Yes, Aliens Exist But Dinosaurs Do Not. For Serious.

I've educated you readers once with my proof that dinosaurs do not exist. I ranted about the stupidity of religion and how God is a made-up figure used to boast sales of the greatest fictional story of all-time, The Bible. And now, I give you the pleasure of reading "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 3. (Working title) There is such thing as extraterrestrial life on Earth, and I have mounted proof. From the crash in Roswell in 1947, to Area 51, to former basketball player Sam Cassell, aliens surely exist in some capacity. Scoooooooooot.

When an object crash landed in Roswell in 1947, it was reported that a "flying disc" was seen at the landing site. The military came in and the next day, it was reported that one of their surveillance balloons that was sent up in the sky to take pictures crashed down to earth. The story was immediately dropped. Then about 30 years later, some physicist said that all that shit was a cover-up and it was indeed a UFO that landed there. And then The National Enquirer, a super credible news source, reported alien autopsies took place. A television program was aired between 1999-2002 called Roswell and if it's on t.v. than it most certainly is real. Not convinced yet are we? I'll spew more facts.

Area 51 is a well-known military research facility that tests experimental aircraft and weapons. They are purported to have tested some of the crash materials found at Roswell. Some even say that those who work there have flown some of the UFOs they have gathered over the years. Roswell is in New Mexico. Area 51 is in Nevada, a very close neighbor to the former Mexican owned land. Some of the tests they have been linked to include, weather control, aliens, time travel, and teleportation. Everyone who watched Lost knows that time travel is real, because that show was based on true events. And the Harry Potter series contributed to the realism of teleportation. Lastly, Area 51 was a badass video game that included aliens and such. Pretty good convincer, aren't I? I know.

I talked about basketball yesterday and how all these players have tattoos nowadays. Well, there is one basketball player that doesn't have any tats, but he does possess something that no other NBA player does. And that is a big alien head. See below.

Text me when you read this if you don't actually believe he is an alien. I don't expect any texts to come in in the next 24 hours. That is the ideal shape of a head that belongs to an alien. It's probably a size 12 and bald as one can be. And look at that excuse for a mouth. He probably swallows baby calves and humans whole. An alien by all accounts.

Three of the most credible and outstanding arguments to support the existence of alien life, right here in black and white. And I am not talking about immigrants in the Home of the Brave. Actual extraterrestrial life that exists in the Milky Way Galaxy and beyond. And my proof is a television show that was on the WB for 3 seasons, an arcade-style video game that was the fuckin' shit, and a retired basketball player. If not for me, you would continue to walk through life without the knowledge of aliens. Watch The X Files if you should find yourself doubting me and my impossible to disprove opinions/facts. You can't because, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://www.carolinawatercooler.com/cassell.jpg

Tattoos Are More Popular Than Microwaves In The 70s

Finally I have returned to my forum to express my thoughts. After another unsettling few days, I will unleash more of my correct opinions. I was lying (laying?), I still don't know when to use either one, in bed watching television on Saturday afternoon collecting my thoughts because I had nothing else to do. So I let my mind wander and found myself gazing at the screen and noticing something startling. It was the St. John's-Villanova basketball game and every asshole on the court had tattoos. All 10 of them. I decided to do a little bit of research and the results were disheartening. Tattoos are cool now.

I looked at some photos from the 80s involving the Lakers and the Celtics. None of them pictured had any tats. Zero. When I looked at a picture from last season's NBA Finals, only 4 of the 10 starters had tats, but 6 of the key bench players did as well. So not my best example, but the point is tattoos are huge in not only basketball, but athletics in general. Basketball is also the most noticeable because they wear tank tops. But you can also see how prevalent they are in football, too. Even some clowns who play baseball have them. Look at Eric Hinske's back tattoo.

That is without a doubt the worst tattoo in the history of the world. I don't care what his reasoning is, it looks awful. For the rest of his life, that mural will be on his back. I've taken shits that have looked better than this travesty. But it's not only athletics where tattoos are creeping into. Mainstream musicians are getting into the act. Google 'John Mayer Sleeve'. Appalled? I certainly am. Sure it looks cool as shit, but to see that mess on that sweetheart's arm is just upsetting. You can only get tats if you're in a shitty metal band that no one listens to or if you're a cover band trying to pay this month's rent.

But wait, it goes even further. Megan Fox is a walking pile of ink. She has a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm and verses in script on her ribs/back. I can understand if guys want to pollute their bodies with permanent ink because for the most part we're fucking idiots and don't know good ideas from bad ones. But a beautiful female? No one wants to look at that shit while penetration is occurring. It would probably get me thinking about how many guys splooged all over the targets. And that my friend is a thought that should not occur during sexual intercourse. Especially with someone like Meg.

And of course, their are those of us who get tattoos because they mean something special to us. Reminiscing about a lost loved one, whether it be a family member, a friend, or maybe even a pet. Completely understandable. If it is small and has significant value, I'm all for it. But way too often tattoos are seen as the cool thing to do. In 10 years, you will be looking back at what you did to your body and regret it immediately. For those pieces of shit, haha asshole. Once seen as taboo has now become mainstream and cool. So I will ride off into the sunset with my Dick Vitale tattoo on my ass, chanting along the way, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://youbeenblinded.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/eric-hinske-tattoo.jpg

Breast Implants Are Pretty Great, Except When They Look Like Shit

In America, we like to think of everything as "Bigger means better." That includes fast-food restaurants offering a Super size, the Sunday New York Times, and most importantly breast size. Everybody knows that guys like a girl with a huge cup size. Because what's not to like about playing with some large fun bags. And more recently than not, girls have been using a cheating method to enhancing their breasts. They're getting implants. Silicone and saline. And the bigger, the better, right? Wrong. Fake tits are not my favorite thing in the world and they shouldn't be your favorite thing either.

I only know of one person in the entire universe who has implants. And I mean, personally. We went to high school together and talked on a somewhat frequent basis. But not so long ago, my former dear friend decided to improve her look by getting some big ass titties. The problem being, these titties do not look good. I haven't seen what they look like in their present form nor did I see them in their past form. But from pictures that I've seen, they look atrocious. Almost brick-like. And from all the boobies I've seen in my day, I don't think they should look like that. With or without clothes on. It's a huge risk getting boobies that might look really terrible, like big tennis balls or a gap you could dive in between. This is setback number 1.

Breast implants also tend to have some sort of connection to breast cancer. That's no laughing matter. If you are willing to undergo an augmentation with that risk associated, well I don't know what to say. That's pretty ballsy on your part. This is setback number 2. Now I've never touched a fake tit and I'm pretty sure I've never seen one in person. But I can't imagine they feel like the real thing. Correct? Even if you get those saline ones, it's still got to be somewhat hard, plus it leaves a nasty looking scar. They might just end up feeling like a bag of sand. Or something relatively close to it. This is setback number 3.

One of the most fearful reasons I would have in getting bigger boobs would be the risk of losing sensitivity to the nipple. What if that is your hotspot? And then you get your surgery and you lose almost all sensation in the area? You're pretty much fucked. Was the juice worth the squeeze? I would have to say no, but then again what the hell do I know? I'm just an unemployed jackass sitting behind my computer typing this worthless shit. As if anybody cares about my opinion on such things. This is setback number 4.

The most logical and acceptable reason for getting your boobs done is so that maybe you can feel more feminine or even more confident. But I don't see how having your boobs done would make you feel any more like a woman. I'm a guy and I know that you still have boobs, whether it be an A, B, or C cup. Any size and I'm pretty sure they are still there. But if going up a cup size or two is the push you need to make you feel better, by all means go for it. But please realize, guys like boobs no matter how big they are. Believe me, I know. My friends used to tell me about them all the time. I just got to say that you should be thinking about what you think of those titties, not what somebody else might think about them. Duh. So bigger doesn't necessarily mean better, at least when it comes to boobs. And you should listen to what I say because, "I am better than you."

Ready? OK! C-H-E-E-R-L-E-A-D-I-N-G Is Not A Sport

I'm not an athlete, but I'd consider myself to be somewhat athletic. I played baseball for 12 years and basketball for about 6. I never could play football because my mom told me I was too small. Every year I heard a different excuse. Put on 10 lbs. Grow 6 inches. Stop wearing your sister's Ruby Red Slippers (The Wizard of Oz). And I obliged with each and every one of those demands, except for the last one. But still, no football. I guess you can say I've gotten over it. But I'll never get over people who say that cheerleading is a sport. Because it isn't.

There are many reasons as to why I feel this way. Cheerleading doesn't involve a ball, you only get hurt because the fatty who threw you in the air probably dropped you, and doing cartwheels is something you can excel at from about the age of 4. So I've taken the liberty of criticizing this, as well as other "sports" that people claim to have played in high school and/or college. And just because you got a varsity jacket does not exclude you from this list. There were people in my high school who had Varsity Choir jackets, and clearly, singing is not a sport. I do not expect any disagreement there.

For many years, I've gotten into arguments with people as to whether or not cheerleading is a sport. They claim the risks involved in it and how difficult it is to perform certain stunts. But the truth of the matter is that cheerleading does not involve any kind of natural or physical ability. I'm pretty sure that anybody can take up cheerleading at any point in time and be just as good and successful as everyone else. The only competition you have is if you're prettier than the other girls. And sometimes that's not even a requirement. I've seen some pretty disgusting, overweight cheerleaders in my day.

Some other "sports" that don't fit the bill include, but are not limited to: swimming, dancing, diving, equestrian, skiing, track and field, snowboarding, pretty much anything winter, and bowling. Although bowling does involve a ball, it is quite possibly the furthest thing from a sport. And don't complain to me about the difficulties of snowboarding and how it's so hard and the spins and flips in the air are cool. I don't give a shit. If you want to waste your parents hard-earned money on a piece of shit board and do flips and twirls in the air, be my guest. But please, don't make a mockery of people who actually are athletic and do things much more respectable.

I ran track in high school. I would consider myself a little better than average. I was fast, but I wasn't blowing by or blowing anyone. But never did I consider what I was doing to be a sport. It's more like an activity that takes a really long time to become decent at. I don't know how many hours I spent in my life running. And to what end? Once you stop running for a while, it's gone. All that hard work and time and energy spent for absolutely no reason. Same goes for every other activity I listed above. Same shit. It takes all this time out of you, but then it just vanishes once you realize what you're doing is fucking stupid.

Some college friends of mine were swimmers and God bless them because they were all great kids. But I still will not classify swimming as a sport. It involves moving your arms and legs in a really fast motion. And sure they were in elite shape and made people who use workout videos look like little virgins, but it's still not a sport. Same goes to the liberals who played Ultimate Frisbee on the Quad. You people are not athletes. You're just a bunch of tree-hugging Obama-loving assholes. When you become a parent one day, only purchase your child a varsity jacket if they played a real sport because you're going to end up with people like me telling your kids that, "I am better than you."

What Does It Take To Get Into The Softcore Porn Industry?

I thought long and hard about this question after reading up on Camille Grammer, the ex-wife of comedian?/actor Kelsey Grammer. She was once a starlet of the softcore porn game and I was always fascinated by it since my youth. Those were the days when Cinemax After Hours was the thing to watch. But with the interweb getting extremely fast in the past couple of years and porn sites growing at an exponential rate, I worry that softcore porn is losing its luster. That's why I have the all important question of "How do I get involved in the softcore porn business?"

I would imagine that I would need to think of a new name. One that gives me character, but doesn't reveal too much about me. Something like, Papa Dong (Papa John's). This way my fanbase will know how I view myself, a papa or father or overall authoritative figure, and Dong because I have one. I'm also not quite sure if softcore porn stars even use names. I guess they don't really need them because they don't do much for the 30 minute short film. But since this is something I'm very interested in doing, I will give myself a name to show my commitment.

One of the main attractions of softcore porn is the lack of acting talent needed. In a genuine hardcore pornography film, the actors have to recite lines, regardless of the fact that they usually go like, "Fuck me because I'm naughty." Or even, "I have a very big weiner." You don't see a lot of lines being issued in softcore movies. They usually just show the two of them in a bedroom whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. And then all of a sudden they are disrobing. Something I have much experience doing.

My favorite part of the softcore genre is the simulation of sex they perform. He makes faces like he is lifting the heaviest weight in the world. She sighs like she's suffering from an asthma attack. And the very best part is they aren't even doing anything! In a perfect world, this is how sex would go all the time. You wouldn't have to worry about erectile dysfunction (getting it up), finishing early (nice guys finish last), and most importantly she is instantly satisfied (doesn't happen in real life). The more I talk about it, the more this needs to happen.

Do you go on auditions? Do you need to be muscular? I only have a problem with one of these questions. I don't want to have to meet some strangers to be cast into a short film. Because I'm obviously muscular enough to take part in such activities. In short, this is easily one of the best ideas I have ever had, frankly because I would excel at it. If anybody knows how to get into the industry I would be eternally grateful. And if anybody has any suggestions on names I could go with, if you don't like Papa Dong, that would also be appreciated. I just have to make sure I don't tell my co-star that, "I am better than you."

How To Lose A Girl In 3 Dates Or Less

I have an unnatural and uncanny ability to give the worst first impressions in the history of the world. I don't know if it's because I say stupid things, do stupid things, or a combination of the two. I once told a girl's mother, who I was friends with, that I didn't care if her daughter got raped. While I said it in a very clear, sarcastic tone, it still was not the right thing to say. Let me "try" to explain the situation. I was helping this person move in and I was having a nice conversation with her mother. She told me "You better take care of my daughter and make sure that nothing happens to her." I then went on to say, "No, I'm going to let her walk home by herself and I don't care if she gets raped." Ouch. It's never funny to joke about rape and I made it a point to refrain from doing so from that point forward. Kind-of.

So where does this leave us? Considering I make the worst first impressions, I recently came across a man who has made an even worse first or second or even third impression. Whereas I went the rape route, he went on the "I have zero self-confidence route". There is about a 0% chance he is reading this, but if he ever comes across this blog one day, I hope I can make a difference in his life. My guide on how NOT to lose a girl in 3 dates or less.

1.) Never ask her if she's interested in you - For this particular doofus, he had been on a date with this girl at least 3 or 4 times. They had gone to an ice rink, a restaurant, and maybe even a bar just to have a couple of drinks. Well, one night he walked her back to her apartment and asked her if she was interested in him. "No, I am not interested in you. Not even a little. I guess the first 3 dates weren't enough for you to realize that I keep giving you another chance." Don't ask stupid ass questions.

2.) Can I give you a kiss? - Why do people find this a necessary question to ask? What if I say no? Now it's going to be really awkward, even more so than when you asked for a kiss. Easily one of the worst questions to ask anyone at any given time. If I don't want to kiss you, I will turn my face to avoid the lips. Or I will grab you by the shoulders and tell you goodnight. Or I will just say no and let you drown in self-defeat. Possibly more awkward than asking if she's interested in you, but that's on your own discretion. (I was also speaking as if I was a girl. I'm not into guys.)

3.) Avoid the wine bar - Sure wine bars are a great place to try some fascinating flavors of fermented grapes. But, how old are we? I don't think it's socially acceptable to go on a date to a wine bar until at least she has gone through menstration or I need a blue diamond pill to get it up. So, where does that leave us in terms of age? 29? Seriously, a wine bar? That is the extreme definition of lame. And what else are you going to do, swirl the wine in your glass and smell it? Drink it with your pinky in the air, as opposed to its usual place - your asshole. Next, you'll be showing off your ship-in-the-bottle collection in your den. Grow down, asshole.

I can't think of any more boring ass shit you can turn a girl away with. So I'll leave it at three. A most holy number. And just remember first, second, and third impressions are everything. If she's willing to give you another chance and then another one, don't make her feel like a dumb-dumb by regretting it. And don't tell girls mom's that you don't care if their daughter gets raped. I can't reiterate it enough. It's not funny, even if you tried really hard to make sure they knew you were being sarcastic even if you had just met them 5 minutes earlier. Sorry BF. We all have our regrets, but that doesn't mean that I forgot that, "I am better than you."

How Facebook Is Ruining Relationships

My sister doesn't know about the disadvantages Facebook poses for people around my age. It just started to hit stride as she was graduating college. So I had the pleasure of seeing firsthand what Facebook does to crumble relationships. And I'm not just talking about sexual ones, but friendships too. So being the kind-hearted human that I am, I have proposed a list of things to be aware of in this techno-savvy era we are currently living in. Here is how to prevent Facebook from ruining your relationships.

1.) Attack of the ex's - Mostly everybody has an ex. You date, it flops, you move on. However, in today's age these ex's just don't go away. Just because they aren't around physically doesn't mean they aren't around totally. Facebook has a feature that allows you to post comments under pictures, wall posts, and status updates. I can imagine the rage that would ensue after having seen an ex post something unflattering on your current interest's wall/picture/status. My advice? Fuck em. We all have ex's, it's best to not let theirs get in the way of what you currently are working on.

2.) Poking and messaging - These first two items are very similar and are both directly related to jealousy. You happen to look at your hook-up's Home page and notice that she's been poked by some toolbag. An invitation to some flirty behavior. You can't help but ask yourself what this dick is thinking? Or you go even further and start looking through their message inbox and see some things you wish you hadn't. Well, Facebook is just like a cell phone. Don't go snooping through the txt messages because you might read something you don't want to. It's better to trust who you're with and leave the snooping for Sherlock Holmes.

3.) Pictures - The ultimate best and worst part of Facebook. When it was first introduced, pictures were the best and easiest way to stalk somebody. You can see essentially their whole life since they created their Facebook. Nowadays, you have the option of making your pictures private which has its positives and negatives. One is that you don't have to see what they looked like with braces and acne. But you also don't get to see if so and so actually went to their friend Kimmy's house like they said they were. They could have been at a frat party getting trains run on them. You never know with people. Just don't look at the pictures.

4.) Status updates - I mentioned it before, but now I want to go in-depth. You are supposed to go drinking at a friend's house. You have made all the plans, it's just a matter of physically doing it. John calls you back when you're a minute away. Claims to have been grounded. When in reality, John just made plans to go to dinner with his girlfriend Phoebe. This is why you should never update your status. Whereas I would have believed you about being grounded, I now know that you are on a dinner date with your whore-ish girlfriend. If you don't want somebody to know where you are, don't update your status. Plain and simple.

5.) Unfriending - The biggest culprit of them all. You haven't spoken with this person for a year or so. You go through your "friends" and decide it's time to eliminate them. All of a sudden the person you deleted is trying to be your friend again. They get overly upset that you would end your friendship with them. You know as well as I know that this person is a piece of shit and your friendship doesn't really mean anything. And really? We've come to a point where being friends on a social networking site means something? Fuck that. Get rid of everyone on your Facebook who you don't talk to because what's the difference really.

I know I was supposed to help prevent ruining the relationships, but as you can see unfriending is something that just needs to happen. In fact, it might be helping you out in the long run because you'll be able to say that you did it first and make them look like the pussy. Just don't be a creeper and follow my simple steps to ensure that Facebook doesn't ruin your relationships anymore. However, I can break the rules because "I am better than you."

February 17, 2008

If you don't want to read an emotional post, I suggest you stop reading now. February 17, 2008 was a Sunday. Not just any Sunday though. It was the day I got myself my first girlfriend. I had met her a couple days prior to Halloween and we had been talking a little bit since our return from winter break. This girl was one of the prettiest I had seen since I had been in college. Tall, slender, long brown hair, great smile. And she was dressed like Peter Pan. My friends and I called her that for a long time after. From the first time I saw her, I thought she was beautiful. But I didn't have the courage to approach so my friend went up to her and said, "My friend is a bitch. Dance with him." The rest as they say is history.

The remainder of the school year played out pretty nicely. I had this new girlfriend and she would sleep over on the weekends and we'd hang out on Tuesdays and Thursdays after my last class. Things were going really well and I really liked her. So the school year ended and summer came along. I still didn't have a car at this point, so seeing each other was going to be a little difficult. I ended up going to see her two or three times that summer, but only when her dad wasn't home. It made for an exciting day or two. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and getting up and walking out of Chili's. The waiter at Applebee's calling me Champion. Towards the end of it, she came to meet my friends at my best friend's beach house. All of my friends seemed to really like her and that made me pretty happy. One of the last few nights we were there, I took her to the beach and told her that my dad taught me two things in life. 1.) Never bet on your favorite team. 2.) Never tell somebody you love them unless you mean it. I then went on to tell her I loved her.

My junior year came around and our relationship was at an all-time high. We saw each other every day and really enjoyed one another's company. This was a transitional period in my college life because I had just moved in with two strangers and my best friend at school. Looking back, I really left him hanging there to dry. Two strangers and I pretty much spent all my time with the girlfriend. Shocking that he's still my friend today. Anywho, college wasn't so good to the girlfriend and thoughts of transferring had occurred. Since I really liked this girl I wanted her to be happy so I encouraged her to rush a sorority. She got in, did her thing, and all seemed to be well in the world.

And then in January, something bad happened. An accident. A mistake. A slip-up. She had made-out with another guy from some pussy ass frat. I had been cheated on. Easily the worst I had ever felt. You feel like you put all this trust in a person, and just like that it can vanish. I did my best to stop talking to her, but I didn't really want to. I cared about her too much to let something like that get in the way of my feelings. Plus, I knew she felt terrible about it because she was the one who told me it happened. I never would have known. So I took that as a sign that she was truly sorry and proceeded on with the relationship a couple of weeks later.

Once again things were going really well. I think she was trying to earn my trust back, but it was still a little bit hard for me. Sometimes she went out of her way to try and make me happy, something I guess I felt I was entitled to because of what had happened. Regardless, I felt we were back to being happy. One night we split a pizza from Papa John's and I knew I had something really special. Sunday nights we watched Desperate Housewives, seriously. We ended up staying together for Maymester, a five week crash course that my school offered. Hands down the best time I had ever had with her. We watched The O.C., some lame movies, ate popcorn, skittles, starburst, milkshakes, and made Boboli pizzas. We even found time to watch The Bachelorette. And one time we got really drunk playing Candy Land. Not the manliest things to do by any stretch of the imagination, but I was happy to be with her and happy things were going well.

Senior year was here and my time in college was almost up. This was going to be a tough year for me for many reasons. I pretty much had all my core classes for my major to take. The girlfriend was going to Spain to study abroad Spring semester, and I was leaving the place that made me the happiest I had ever been. I knew going into it that things might get a little bumpy. We alternated sleepovers every night and she usually stayed by me on the weekends. Some nights we stayed in and just hung out, other nights we would go get drunk. We even woke up one night to look at the meteor shower, but never made the actual effort to get out of bed. Fall semester was over and that dreaded time was coming around. We hung out a couple of times before she left and it was pretty sad for me. I imagine for her too.

My last semester of college was probably the best time for her to go and do that. It gave me the time to hang out with my friends and gave her the opportunity to learn a little bit more about herself. We would skype and send emails to each other and it made the long distance a lot more doable, at least for me. The semester flew by and before you know it, she was back. I was happy to be able to hug and kiss her again just like I used to every day before she went away. But things felt a little bit weird once she got back. Maybe all the time made it a bit awkward. Whatever it was, it didn't "feel" the same.

The summer came, we saw each other one time. Uh oh. Something isn't right. We went from this almost unbreakable kind of bond, to an almost forgettable relationship. I wasn't even talking to her on a daily basis. Some texts and a goodnight and that was about all. We had made plans to get together that summer on a little vacation with just the two of us. We ended up going to Wildwood because it was convenient for the both of us. We stayed for 3 nights and once again enjoyed each other's company. Coloring and Poley. But it was time for her to go back to school. But this time without me.

I visited her move in weekend and made it a "surprise". However, my idea of a surprise was to hang out with my best friend from school because he was going to Turkey for almost a year and well I figured I'd be seeing more of her than him in that time frame. A mistake on my part. I should have told her I was coming and that I intended to hang out with him. My mistake. Things got progressively worse as we weren't seeing much of each other. Not since she left for Spain at least. She came to see me in October for a weekend and that was also a fantastic time. We played miniature golf and went into New York City and went to Central Park and sat on this huge rock. All the things that made us realize why we were together in the first place.

I surprised her again the following weekend, but this time I stayed with her the whole time. It was pretty great seeing her two weekends in a row, considering I hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks. So the weekend came and went and I ended up seeing her one more time about a month later. This was probably the downfall of our relationship. I wasn't happy. She wasn't happy. It seemed like we had just fallen apart. Maybe it was the lack of time together. Maybe it was a lack of interest. I don't know, but all I know is it wasn't a good time. After I had left, we continued talking for a couple of weeks and then it was over. She wasn't happy anymore. She couldn't handle the long distance. The relationship had reached its end.

I didn't quite know if things were really over or maybe if it was just a little break. But I didn't talk to her for a couple of days and then after about a week we talked again. Nothing was really resolved and so we continued talking here and there. Until in January the decision was made to just end things. Because we seemed to want different things, and the amount of times we were seeing each other wasn't sufficient. As of this posting, I haven't spoken with her in about 5 weeks. So let me just say it, because I'm pretty sure she might be reading this.

I don't hate you. I never have. I never will. I hated the situation we were in and I hate that you quit on us. I knew being long distance wasn't going to be easy, but knowing that I had you when I needed you was alright with me. I'm sorry you felt I was needy, because in fact at times I did need you and you were there, but not now. If you think this is easy on me, you're dead wrong. I thought breaking up was going to be the hardest part, but it's getting over you that I'm having trouble with. I lost my best friend. And for my sake, I know talking to you as my friend is just going to make things worse. I still can't eat a Boboli, or listen to a certain John Mayer song, or even the time with Pop-Rocks. All these memories flood me about all the great times I had with you, but never the negative ones. Because I don't think there were any. I'm sorry we couldn't make things work. I truly am. I wish I could do something to change it. But I can't. I want to wish you the best of luck and success in the Dominican Republic and I hope you find what it is that you're looking for. Today would have been three years. Instead today is just February 17, 2011.

I, Robot Was Right. Robots/Computers Are Going To Take Over The World

When I was in college, my roommates and I watched Jeopardy! on a very consistent basis. Monday-Thursday and sometimes even on Friday, depending on whether or not we were drunk. We did this for 4 years. So no, I was not the coolest kid on campus, but I was pretty damn close. I bring this up because as of February 14, Jeopardy! has been showing us a very unique 3-day challenge. Two of the greatest champions on the show's history were set to take part against the computer, Watson, in a match of wits and intelligence. Right off the bat, if I were to take on Google, I would get destroyed. So essentially, what would be different about this?

Well, the people at IBM had to make this supercomputer akin to human language, so that it could decipher the questions and give a reasonable response. The problem is computers seem to know every fucking answer to every question ever asked. It was unsettling to watch a computer dominate two human beings. Almost as if Watson pulled down both contestant's pants and started raping them without the KY Jelly. It's just not fair. Whereas humans need like, a second or two to think, a computer immediately buzzes in because it doesn't have to think. Really, the contestants had no chance from the beginning.

And yes, I know the competition isn't over until tomorrow, but do you really think a human is going to take down that giant? I believe not. And couldn't a more modern company be responsible for the creation of the computer? All those liberal assholes who have Apples, why couldn't they create this mega-brain computer? Huh, Mr. Steve Jobs? You make all these cool ass gadgets like the iPhone, and the iPad, and iPods but when it comes to making a computer that is smarter than humans, you're nowhere in sight. How can that be? Really? IBM?

So Will Smith was on to something when he agreed to tackle the film adaptation of the story I, Robot. Robots or computers, whatever you wish to call them, start to have their own ideas of what is right and wrong. And then they kill humans and try to take over the world. I think that's what IBM is trying to do right now. They want to create computers that are smarter than humans so that the computers (IBM) can take over the world.

I don't know about you, but I sure as hell don't want to be around when computers and robots are telling me what to do. It's going to be a sad time for the U.S. of A. and the rest of the world and it's all because we wanted to see if a computer could beat humans in a game of Jeopardy! How selfish we are. So come 2030 or whenever the planet is going to be overtaken by robots, I'll be the one to tell you I told you so. And it's all because "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://hamaraforums.com/uploads/post-6518-1185559882.jpg

Workout Videos Are Good For Muscles, Not For Getting Girls Excited

Most of the male population in the United States finds it necessary to have a work-out regimen. I however, am not one of those men. Simply put, I don't really care if you find my 12'' biceps unattractive or feminine. I am comfortable within my body. Realistically, would you rather I look like I do now or grow muscle from a workout I saw from videos I bought from the television? If you are a shallow piece of shit, you probably said option 2. But if you were any self-respecting human, you will take me for what I am. P90X is fucking stupid as are all workout videos.

If you do a lot of sitting around watching television, chances are you've seen infomercials for a product called P90X. What it is is a workout that you do daily and jot down your results in a nifty notebook. After how many ever days, you're supposed to see improvement or your money back, yada yada yada. I don't give a flying fuck if it makes you look like the David Statue.

Or even Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1978 (see above). You still have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm getting ripped using a workout video. Do I have any self-respect?" No. No you do not.

If you are courting a girl and really feel like she might be something special, your best bet is to NOT tell her that you just got done doing a P90X workout. The reason being she will laugh at you and consider you a total dweeb. Plus workout videos are the personification of miserable. But let's say she doesn't know you are using said product. Is that okay? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Why do you need to go into specifics as to what kind of workout you are doing? You don't. As far as she is concerned, just tell her you got back from the gym. In all honesty, she probably won't even be able to tell the difference. It's just the principle of telling somebody that you use a workout video.

Harsh? Of course. But somebody has to teach people how to behave appropriately in a social setting. And luckily for you, you have me. The ultimate gentleman and baron of socially acceptable behavior. You never, ever, tell the person you are courting what it is you are actually doing, if it could be embarrassing. You don't tell a date that you're trimming the hedges before you pick them up, do you? Of course not, because that would be creepy and just flat-out weird. Same goes for working out. You went to the gym. You weren't in your living room doing Pilates with your roommate, or doing crunches on the giant medicine ball thing, or even doing P90X. It's that simple.

The point is, honesty is not the best policy. It is almost always better to lie in every situation. "Honey, does this make me look fat?" No. "Is there anything stuck in my teeth?" Yes. "Have you ever used P90X?" No way, Jose. This is a valuable lesson to learn in life. Because one day you are going to be in this exact scenario and you are going to have a choice. Taking the easy way out and being honest or being a real person and lying. Choose lying. I have never used nor will I ever use P90X because I'm already assured that, "I am better than you."

P.S. This is one of my favorite videos ever...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi6oPP40hrI

***Photo courtesy of http://www.muscle-build.com/arnold-schwarzenegger.html

February 14: Singles Awareness Day

Once upon a time St. Valentine shot some arrows at some people and then they fell in love. That's the accurate history of February 14. St. Valentine's Day. For those of us who are not in committed relationships, February 14 is the worst day of the year. You get to look at people who are happy to be with each other, and make kisses, and eat exquisite dinners, and have tons of sex. All things that sound pretty good right about now. But what do those who are single do on this fine holiday? Commiserate and console each other, that's what. So for those who are single just like me, I've compiled a list of things you could do so you don't lie in bed all day crying and wishing you were in love.

1.) Go see a movie. Have any friends who are single? Family members? Go see a movie. Nothing says I'm single like a good old-fashioned film. You're best bet is something that isn't too lovey-dovey because you'll end up wanting to kill yourself. Stick to some sort of action movie or comedy to let those feelings of self-loathing subside. My pick would be Justin Bieber: Never Say Never because you definitely won't be thinking about anything sexual.

2.) Get really drunk. Any time I get really down or upset about something, I sit in my room alone and take shots of Captain Morgan. Because when you get drunk, all of your problems seem to be alleviated. Getting drunk is also relatively cheap, cheaper than going to the movie theatre. And instead of crying yourself to sleep, you can just pass out which is also pretty great. You just have to make sure you don't txt an ex-lover because things could get emotional.

3.) Have your dinner delivered. My mom, my sister, and myself are all single at the present time and nothing says family unity like delivered dinner. We'll probably get Chinese food and complain about all the times we've had our hearts broken. At least my mom and my sister might, I'll probably be enamored with what the fortune cookie says. And then after dinner, have some drinks and just enjoy each other's company. Just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you don't have anyone who cares about you. Keep it positive.

4.) Buy yourself some presents. I'm unemployed, so I can't, per se. But what about you? I know that usually the best time of the year is Christmas. Why? Because you get some presents. Valentine's Day should be the same for single people. Nothing says happiness like buying yourself shit you can't really afford. But it's better than wallowing all day and thinking about the times you had with somebody special. What is that really going to do for you? Probably just make you more upset. Materialism always feels better.

5.) Find a fling on craiglist. If you're a really sensitive bastard, love-making might be the route to go. Check on websites like craigslist.com or other escort services that can hook you up. That way you can make love, cry about it to them afterward, and then go on living your normal life. But for those 3 minutes, you'll forget about being a miserable piece of shit and that's what we're trying to accomplish, right? For some, it's the intimacy that they long for, not the feelings of love. This option is strictly for those individuals.

There you have it. A survival guide on how to make February 14 the best day it can be. If none of these options sound good to you, fuck off and make your own damn survival guide. As for me, I will check off options 1-4. I would never bang somebody from craigslist. That's just weird. Give me a call tomorrow if you're single and we can wish each other a happy Singles Awareness Day. I might be single, but still, "I am better than you."

Jennifer Aniston Needs To Shut The Fuck Up

I know this is a little bit old, but it's been jarring my ass. Jennifer Aniston is an ungrateful wench and she should be excluded from anything Hollywood related from now until the end of time. I believe it was last week that the old has-been was quoted as saying that she thought the "Rachel" (her hairdo from the show 'Friends') was ugly and made her look stupid. Not only did that ugly, stupid hairdo make her a national icon for the remainder of the show's history, but it vaulted her into superstardom. Her response is that it was ugly. Good one Jennifer. Now go fall off a cliff because you aren't doing anyone any good anymore.

I can't believe that people in Hollywood continue to cast her in movies. Every movie she's in bombs at the box office. Nobody cares about her. She's not even that attractive. Maybe in 1995 she was, but 2011 Jennifer is disgusting. Old, mangled and dried up looking face. No wonder she can't seem to keep anyone around. I know John Mayer isn't the best-looking person in the world, but he certainly soils girls' panties around these here United States. Why? Because he's a lyrical genius and puts a lot of raw emotion into his songs. Something Jennifer can't seem to do with the characters she plays in movies.

Her latest fiasco opens today/tomorrow depending on when you're reading this. It's called, "Just Go With It". And this movie stars another washed-up has-been in Adam Sandler. At one point in time, this guy was my favorite actor in Hollywood. "Billy Madison" is one of the greatest comedies ever written. And don't forget about "Happy Gilmore". Another gem. But holy shit, his movies started to go downhill with that travesty of a film "Little Nicky". Nothing has been anywhere near good since then. So he's attempting to make another run at Box Office Gold with this delightful romantic-comedy that opens on Valentine's Day Weekend. Great idea Adam.

Like I wrote in my previous post, "You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?" Brooklyn Decker is a part of this film. And the people marketing and advertising this movie are doing a great thing by showing some promos of her in a tight, yellow bathing suit. Because now I'm considering going to see this shitpile of a movie, just so I can stare at her. Creepy? Sure. But what do you want from me? (Brandon) Any movie that focuses primarily on a skinny, blonde-haired chick has got my attention. And that says alot because I still haven't forgotten about that skank Jennifer Aniston and her partner in crime, Mr. Hanukkah.

So, the moral of the story is you shouldn't complain about how great you have it now because you think you're above everyone else. And how being an ungrateful bitch will only leave you with loneliness. That's why John Mayer and Brad Pitt left her ass. Now what does she have? Besides a shitty movie that she probably got paid $10 million for. The answer is nothing. Material things only get you so far Jennifer and soon, someday soon, you will realize that and regret it. As for me, I decided I won't see the film. Sorry Brooklyn, but seeing that moose look-alike is too much for me just because "I am better than you."

One Last Mystery Solved: Scooby Doo And The Gang

What could I possibly be talking about? The mystery in and of itself regarding Scooby Doo. Surely these kids aren't going around solving mystery after mystery for no reward. Or are they? It was brought to my attention in high school that there was more to the cartoon Scooby Doo than met the eye. My english teacher went on a rant one day telling us about how he and his roommates in college hypothesized about the drug-laden undertones of one of the most popular kids' television shows of all-time. I took it upon myself to do a little research and come to my own conclusion.

Shaggy - Shaggy was the stoner hippie of the group. He was seemingly always rambling on, making incoherent sentences all while searching for some food. And I'm pretty sure that one of the drawbacks of getting high is an ungodly craving for any and all foods. So why was it that Shaggy was always looking for food? Because he had the munchies. Duh. That's why there was always a cloud of smoke that escaped from the Mystery Machine. They were all getting baked those sons-a-bitches.

Fred - Fred was the stud of the crew. Despite the fact that he dressed rather effeminately with that scarf thing, he was clearly the brawn of the group. And he always ventured off with Daphne. They definitately went to go bone because they never found any clues. Fred was the man because he was getting solid action.

Daphne - As previously mentioned, Daphne was the whore of the group. She would go off with Fred and then get off. She was always dressing so nicely and had a rather pristine look upon her. She looked as if she was wealthy and above all the rest of them. I bet she was a real stuck-up bitch and was only used by the rest of them to pay for the Mystery Machine to get boned and high in.

Velma - The absolute worst character of any show in history. "Somebody help. I've lost my glasses. I can't see." As she touches a cactus, "Scooby. Is that you? You feel really sharp." Yeah Velma. The dog you've seen everyday for the past 12 years has suddenly because as sharp as a cactus. Well done. You can figure out a nearly impossible mystery, but you don't know what the texture of a dog feels like. Typical woman with her head up her ass. Nice bowl-cut by the way.

Scooby - The legendary dog. I don't really have anything to say about a dog that can't speak, but he sure was hungry all the time. Looks like Shaggy wasn't the only one smoking pot. And what the fuck were in those Scooby Snacks anyway? It's as if it was crack. Lame ass.

The general consensus from my teacher was that Shaggy and Scooby were the only two real characters in the show. Because Shaggy got so high, he hallucinated all the mystery solving and friends he thought he had. Also why he talked to a dog. Not like he was going to talk back, unless it was Scrappy of course. That also explains why Shaggy was always hungry. He had to feed the weed. Those munchies were too much to handle.

Considering the timeframe of the show, the 1960s, it doesn't seem impossible that there would be drug-related undertones. But honestly, I can't see Shaggy imagining all of it. They probably were all just getting high together and Shaggy was the only one who couldn't control his urges. Much like Fred and Daphne humping like wild dogs. So next time you catch an episode of Scooby Doo remember what I taught you, because "I am better than you."

Home-Schoolers: The Very Best Steps In How To Lose Your Virginity

It's no secret that being home-schooled is a prerequisite for being a virgin. That is, unless you live in the South and have sex with your mom, dad, sister, and/or brother (Yuck!). But people do it and life goes on. Since I'm feeling very generous today, I decided to make a list as to the ways that you can lose your virginity after being dosed with some home-schooling. All you have to do is follow these important steps to getting that much closer to the panty drop.

1.) Learn to play an instrument. Since you will be stuck at home anyway, you might as well spend some of that time learning how to play an instrument. The best choice would be a harp. Harps are pretty fuckin' cool instruments and they were supposedly played by angels and shit. Imagine the feedback you will get from a girl or guy if you tell them you can play "Careless Whisper" by George Michael on the harp. Immediate drippage. But if you can't get a harp, go with a guitar. Some girls seem to like them too. (e.g. John Mayer, Jack Johnson)

2.) Play a sport. Girls love a guy that is athletic. They want to mooch off of him and take all the money he earns playing his respective sport. My choice? Bowling. A great fucking activity. It's cheap as shit to play, it requires a ball, you can get drunk playing it, and you can wear your shirt at a nightclub. Everthing I just mentioned is fantastic. Plus, after she realizes that you were home-schooled and wants your eventual marriage to end, she won't get any money because bowling is the only sport where you lose money playing it.

3.) Get drunk. This is by far the most common, and easiest way to lose your virginity. But chances are that since you were home-schooled you don't know how to hold a conversation. That's where getting drunk comes in. Everything seems to come naturally when you get hammered. You start talking about the time you saw your mom watching porno during your recess, or the the time you gave your 13-year-old brother a bubble bath after arts & crafts. She will be amused because she will think you are joking. But you won't understand because you'll already be so drunk. So remember, being drunk means being not a virgin.

4.) Tell a joke, or several. I brought up in step 3 how she will think you are joking and probably have sex with you. Bingo! Jokes are girl's ultimate downfall. If you can make her laugh, you can make her orgasm. The best way to make her laugh is to tell her a funny joke, like, "I'm really sad. My dick just died. I was wondering if I could bury it in your ass." She will think that is absolutely hysterical and proceed to provide 10 minutes of oral sexy time. After which, you can have normal sex with her and lose your virginity once and for all.

5.) Treat her like shit. If none of the aforementioned steps have worked, you are doing something wrong. In any case, you can resort to treating her like shit. Approach her and tell her something mean-spirited, but not so mean that she will kill herself or even worse, cry. Something like, "Hey, I thought Cougar Night was on Wednesdays." She will immediately feel old and worthless and her self-esteem will drop to the floor, hopefully right next to where her underwear will land. All you have to do is keep up the insults with some nice things thrown in to land her in your twin-sized bed in the basement.

It's that simple. Now I personally have never had sex nor have I been home-schooled, but I would imagine that such things will work based on the television shows I watch on my twin-sized bed in the basement...And never forget to tell her that, "I am better than you."

I Won The Spelling Bee In Eighth Grade; I'm Destined For Greatness

The greatest athletes and entertainers knew from a very distinct point in life that they were going to be great. Quarterbacks often go back to a pee-wee league game in which they threw for 500 yards. Actors after they were the lead in 'Annie' in high school. But my moment of truth occurred in 2002. It was a crisp, cool afternoon in February. The atmosphere seemed to revolve around me for the first time. I knew going into this day, that I was going to dominate my fellow classmates for the umpteenth time. The rest as you might say is history.

Growing up, I used to watch the Scripps National Spelling Bee on ESPN because they clearly only show masculine, sports-related programming. Spelling bees are THE definition of sports. It takes a sharp mind and impeccable demeanor to capture the greatest prize in the game. Despite the fact that I didn't compete in the National Bee, I came pretty close by winning the school bee. Let me paint a picture for you.

My class contained 12 students, including myself. Two of them were girls, and I'm pretty sure three of them were immigrants. I immediately have five people eliminated from the competition. It didn't make matters much better that my teacher had no idea how to run the competition either. Regardless, the odds were in my favor. So one by one we took our turn spelling words. There goes one immigrant, one girl, another immigrant, and then another. My prediction was coming to fruition by the second. Call me Nostradamus. My greatest challenge to victory was my cockiness. But is it really being cocky when you know you're that good? That isn't hypothetical. Is it?

Naturally, I won the Spelling Bee. And do you know what word I won with? Mind you this is eighth grade, not third. Brace yourself. Ready?......Icicle. I won the school spelling bee by correctly spelling I-C-I-C-L-E. Now, I know I'm a pretty smart guy. As far as I can tell however, it was not because of the Catholic school education I was receiving. I think I was just supplied with a big fucking brain and an absurdly impressive memory. Eighth grade spelling bee and I won by spelling icicle. How do you think the other kids in that class fared? The ones who weren't so bright? I don't know because I don't speak to any of them. For the three of them who might be reading this, I obviously am not talking about you. But that shouldn't matter because I still won.

2002 marked the beginning of a destiny. A fate that would see me begin to make my mark on the world. I conquered New Jersey. I fucked Virginia right in the butt, without KY Jelly. The possibilites are endless. That February afternoon marked the beginning of a dynasty that will never be taken over. That is until I supply the world with some of my offspring. Frankenstein Scooter and James Skeeter. Those names are trademarked for my next of kin, don't even think about naming your stupid kids such eloquent identifiers. Because all that will do is prove my greatness and as the saying goes, "I am better than you."

You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?

The second most difficult question to answer in the history of the world. The first being what happens after we die. But this. This is almost impossible to answer. If you asked me back in January of 1997, my reply would be Sporty Spice. If you asked again in June of '97 my reply would be Neve Campbell. Yeah, I know, God-awful taste in women in my youth. But I started to pick up steam in December of '97 when I became intrigued with Jennifer Love Hewitt (a celebrity that to this day, I still want to see naked). My point? Our tastes in celebrities change very frequently.

I've had this discussion with friends, roommates, family members. Just kidding...And the answer always changes. Imagine we're back in 1999. Britney Spears has just released 'Baby One More Time'. Is she at the top of your list? She was on mine. But then let's jump to the future. When she cut off all of her hair. Is she still tops on your list? Doubtful. That is why this is a very serious question that mustn't be taken lightly. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. So I thought of a reliable and practical formula to take into account.

The formula goes as follows: is she hot? would you regret it in five years? Bingo, bango, bongo. Simple. Five years is too long on girls. They typically become obese, moody, and crazy within a short time frame. Celebrities are just the same. So in choosing one that you are going to nail, you have to see who has looked good for a long time. Look at Betty White. She's looks fantastic for being a stegosaurus (a made-up animal, remember?). But you get the point, right? Did I drift off-topic? Anyway let's round up my top five in no particular order.

1. Minka Kelly. She has become the apple of my eye. A very terrible actress who is surely getting by on her looks alone. Plus, Derek Jeter gets to own that anytime he wants. Heartbreaking. But I'm pretty sure if she met me, she'd be willing to dump his ass for this Polish Hammer.

2. Selena Gomez. She has all the makings of being wonderful in every way possible. Have you ever seen 'Wizards of Waverly Place'? Easily the best thing Disney has had on their channel since 'Lizzie McGuire'. (Ex. Hillary Duff - as if someone threw a bowling ball at her face)

3. Rachel McAdams. In essence, the best part of 'Wedding Crashers'. She is sexy, brunette, and sexy. I have watched that movie just so I could look at her. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Yes, don't be fuckin' mean guys.

4. Brooklyn Decker. Wah Wah Wee Wah. Playing tennis is for nerds unless your name is Andy Roddick and you are married to the best model ever. She looks stunning in that upcoming shitty Adam Sandler movie, but I'd consider dabbling just to look at her occasionally.

5. Olivia Wilde. One time in my life I was forced to watch the entire series of 'The O.C.'. Season 2 featured a hot lesbian, played by Ms. Wilde. It was easily the best moment in the history of the series, and the reason I sat through 2 hours of that shit movie 'Alpha Dog'.

And my winner is.........................Minka Kelly. I'm in love with her. She looks like the best thing that's ever happened to my eyes, and for that I am thankful. Will I regret this decision in five years? Probably, but it feels right right now.

Feel free to comment on your Number 1 because I need more evidence to support that, "I am better than you."

If You Believe In God, You Probably Believe In Unicorns Too

The United States of America was colonized because of the freedom of religion it provided. At a time when the King of England wasn't putting up with anybody's shit, the pilgrims left England and came to America to practice their own religion. An important history lesson for all you out there who don't know dick. But why exactly is it that Americans still feel the need to practice religion based on our 1st Amendment rights? Beats me. But I think I can venture an educated guess. Because people have nothing to rely on but hope. They hope one day they will go to heaven and everything will be great. News flash! When you die, you're going six feet under.

I was raised in a Catholic family. Church on Sundays, school on the weekdays. My mom is a devoted religious person with firm beliefs. None of which I agree with. Could it be because Catholicism ruined my life at an early age? Probably. But I'd like to think of it as me using my brain and making my own decisions. I was taught at a very early age about the good and bad of our actions. Being good got you rewarded with something, being bad resulted in punishment. But why is that way?

Some suggest religion is used as a moral compass to help us to make better decisions. I think that's horseshit. If you need to read a fucking book, in this case The Bible (the greatest and most popular fiction of all-time), then I feel sorry for you. Your parents have the sole responsibility of teaching you what is right and what is wrong. Where did they learn? From their parents and their parents and so on and so on. So you might ask me, where is it that people learned what is right and wrong? If you have any semblance of a heart, you will know what is right and what is wrong. When I steal, I know it's wrong. When I lie, I know it's wrong. I'm pretty sure if I killed someone I would know that it's wrong. Because it provides guilt.

I'm pretty sure that one day a father was telling his child a story and instead of using a ghost or a monster, he made up the devil. Way to go asshole. Tell your kid that if they are bad, then they will burn in hell for the rest of eternity. I also heard some whackjob in high school tell me that Hell could be described as sitting in a white nothingness for the rest of time with nothing to do. A torture. Fuck you. Who the fuck told you that dumbass story? Talib Kweli said it best when he wrote "I learned that heaven and hell exist right here on earth."

Think about it. Some days are really shitty. Bad things happen, like a friend or family member passing away, or even a pet. Those days should be considered your hell. Why? Because you feel like shit. Don't tell me there is something worse than that because I'll call you a fucking liar. And of course we have our really good days, like finding out your girlfriend isn't pregnant, or you just won the lottery. Boom. Heaven. Disprove me. You can't because God and religion is all made up so somebody could make an extra dollar. Pay the church to forgive my sins? Fantastic. Kill people who aren't Catholic? Spanish Inquisition. A superb way to toss around some extra cash.

All that money that your family throws away to the Church, Temple, or wherever you give praise. Good chance that's a boatload of money. And why only pray when you're down on your shit? Pray all the time if you're that sincere about it. But please. Don't shovel that shit down my throat because I don't want to hear about it. Religion is a crock of shit and is the sole reason as to why war exists. Everyone wants to prove that what they believe in is better than what somebody else believes in. Cut the shit and get over it. And please don't pray for me if you find this blog offensive because I don't want your made up help. I already know that "I am better than you."