One Last Mystery Solved: Scooby Doo And The Gang

What could I possibly be talking about? The mystery in and of itself regarding Scooby Doo. Surely these kids aren't going around solving mystery after mystery for no reward. Or are they? It was brought to my attention in high school that there was more to the cartoon Scooby Doo than met the eye. My english teacher went on a rant one day telling us about how he and his roommates in college hypothesized about the drug-laden undertones of one of the most popular kids' television shows of all-time. I took it upon myself to do a little research and come to my own conclusion.

Shaggy - Shaggy was the stoner hippie of the group. He was seemingly always rambling on, making incoherent sentences all while searching for some food. And I'm pretty sure that one of the drawbacks of getting high is an ungodly craving for any and all foods. So why was it that Shaggy was always looking for food? Because he had the munchies. Duh. That's why there was always a cloud of smoke that escaped from the Mystery Machine. They were all getting baked those sons-a-bitches.

Fred - Fred was the stud of the crew. Despite the fact that he dressed rather effeminately with that scarf thing, he was clearly the brawn of the group. And he always ventured off with Daphne. They definitately went to go bone because they never found any clues. Fred was the man because he was getting solid action.

Daphne - As previously mentioned, Daphne was the whore of the group. She would go off with Fred and then get off. She was always dressing so nicely and had a rather pristine look upon her. She looked as if she was wealthy and above all the rest of them. I bet she was a real stuck-up bitch and was only used by the rest of them to pay for the Mystery Machine to get boned and high in.

Velma - The absolute worst character of any show in history. "Somebody help. I've lost my glasses. I can't see." As she touches a cactus, "Scooby. Is that you? You feel really sharp." Yeah Velma. The dog you've seen everyday for the past 12 years has suddenly because as sharp as a cactus. Well done. You can figure out a nearly impossible mystery, but you don't know what the texture of a dog feels like. Typical woman with her head up her ass. Nice bowl-cut by the way.

Scooby - The legendary dog. I don't really have anything to say about a dog that can't speak, but he sure was hungry all the time. Looks like Shaggy wasn't the only one smoking pot. And what the fuck were in those Scooby Snacks anyway? It's as if it was crack. Lame ass.

The general consensus from my teacher was that Shaggy and Scooby were the only two real characters in the show. Because Shaggy got so high, he hallucinated all the mystery solving and friends he thought he had. Also why he talked to a dog. Not like he was going to talk back, unless it was Scrappy of course. That also explains why Shaggy was always hungry. He had to feed the weed. Those munchies were too much to handle.

Considering the timeframe of the show, the 1960s, it doesn't seem impossible that there would be drug-related undertones. But honestly, I can't see Shaggy imagining all of it. They probably were all just getting high together and Shaggy was the only one who couldn't control his urges. Much like Fred and Daphne humping like wild dogs. So next time you catch an episode of Scooby Doo remember what I taught you, because "I am better than you."