How To Lose A Girl In 3 Dates Or Less

I have an unnatural and uncanny ability to give the worst first impressions in the history of the world. I don't know if it's because I say stupid things, do stupid things, or a combination of the two. I once told a girl's mother, who I was friends with, that I didn't care if her daughter got raped. While I said it in a very clear, sarcastic tone, it still was not the right thing to say. Let me "try" to explain the situation. I was helping this person move in and I was having a nice conversation with her mother. She told me "You better take care of my daughter and make sure that nothing happens to her." I then went on to say, "No, I'm going to let her walk home by herself and I don't care if she gets raped." Ouch. It's never funny to joke about rape and I made it a point to refrain from doing so from that point forward. Kind-of.

So where does this leave us? Considering I make the worst first impressions, I recently came across a man who has made an even worse first or second or even third impression. Whereas I went the rape route, he went on the "I have zero self-confidence route". There is about a 0% chance he is reading this, but if he ever comes across this blog one day, I hope I can make a difference in his life. My guide on how NOT to lose a girl in 3 dates or less.

1.) Never ask her if she's interested in you - For this particular doofus, he had been on a date with this girl at least 3 or 4 times. They had gone to an ice rink, a restaurant, and maybe even a bar just to have a couple of drinks. Well, one night he walked her back to her apartment and asked her if she was interested in him. "No, I am not interested in you. Not even a little. I guess the first 3 dates weren't enough for you to realize that I keep giving you another chance." Don't ask stupid ass questions.

2.) Can I give you a kiss? - Why do people find this a necessary question to ask? What if I say no? Now it's going to be really awkward, even more so than when you asked for a kiss. Easily one of the worst questions to ask anyone at any given time. If I don't want to kiss you, I will turn my face to avoid the lips. Or I will grab you by the shoulders and tell you goodnight. Or I will just say no and let you drown in self-defeat. Possibly more awkward than asking if she's interested in you, but that's on your own discretion. (I was also speaking as if I was a girl. I'm not into guys.)

3.) Avoid the wine bar - Sure wine bars are a great place to try some fascinating flavors of fermented grapes. But, how old are we? I don't think it's socially acceptable to go on a date to a wine bar until at least she has gone through menstration or I need a blue diamond pill to get it up. So, where does that leave us in terms of age? 29? Seriously, a wine bar? That is the extreme definition of lame. And what else are you going to do, swirl the wine in your glass and smell it? Drink it with your pinky in the air, as opposed to its usual place - your asshole. Next, you'll be showing off your ship-in-the-bottle collection in your den. Grow down, asshole.

I can't think of any more boring ass shit you can turn a girl away with. So I'll leave it at three. A most holy number. And just remember first, second, and third impressions are everything. If she's willing to give you another chance and then another one, don't make her feel like a dumb-dumb by regretting it. And don't tell girls mom's that you don't care if their daughter gets raped. I can't reiterate it enough. It's not funny, even if you tried really hard to make sure they knew you were being sarcastic even if you had just met them 5 minutes earlier. Sorry BF. We all have our regrets, but that doesn't mean that I forgot that, "I am better than you."