Home-Schoolers: The Very Best Steps In How To Lose Your Virginity

It's no secret that being home-schooled is a prerequisite for being a virgin. That is, unless you live in the South and have sex with your mom, dad, sister, and/or brother (Yuck!). But people do it and life goes on. Since I'm feeling very generous today, I decided to make a list as to the ways that you can lose your virginity after being dosed with some home-schooling. All you have to do is follow these important steps to getting that much closer to the panty drop.

1.) Learn to play an instrument. Since you will be stuck at home anyway, you might as well spend some of that time learning how to play an instrument. The best choice would be a harp. Harps are pretty fuckin' cool instruments and they were supposedly played by angels and shit. Imagine the feedback you will get from a girl or guy if you tell them you can play "Careless Whisper" by George Michael on the harp. Immediate drippage. But if you can't get a harp, go with a guitar. Some girls seem to like them too. (e.g. John Mayer, Jack Johnson)

2.) Play a sport. Girls love a guy that is athletic. They want to mooch off of him and take all the money he earns playing his respective sport. My choice? Bowling. A great fucking activity. It's cheap as shit to play, it requires a ball, you can get drunk playing it, and you can wear your shirt at a nightclub. Everthing I just mentioned is fantastic. Plus, after she realizes that you were home-schooled and wants your eventual marriage to end, she won't get any money because bowling is the only sport where you lose money playing it.

3.) Get drunk. This is by far the most common, and easiest way to lose your virginity. But chances are that since you were home-schooled you don't know how to hold a conversation. That's where getting drunk comes in. Everything seems to come naturally when you get hammered. You start talking about the time you saw your mom watching porno during your recess, or the the time you gave your 13-year-old brother a bubble bath after arts & crafts. She will be amused because she will think you are joking. But you won't understand because you'll already be so drunk. So remember, being drunk means being not a virgin.

4.) Tell a joke, or several. I brought up in step 3 how she will think you are joking and probably have sex with you. Bingo! Jokes are girl's ultimate downfall. If you can make her laugh, you can make her orgasm. The best way to make her laugh is to tell her a funny joke, like, "I'm really sad. My dick just died. I was wondering if I could bury it in your ass." She will think that is absolutely hysterical and proceed to provide 10 minutes of oral sexy time. After which, you can have normal sex with her and lose your virginity once and for all.

5.) Treat her like shit. If none of the aforementioned steps have worked, you are doing something wrong. In any case, you can resort to treating her like shit. Approach her and tell her something mean-spirited, but not so mean that she will kill herself or even worse, cry. Something like, "Hey, I thought Cougar Night was on Wednesdays." She will immediately feel old and worthless and her self-esteem will drop to the floor, hopefully right next to where her underwear will land. All you have to do is keep up the insults with some nice things thrown in to land her in your twin-sized bed in the basement.

It's that simple. Now I personally have never had sex nor have I been home-schooled, but I would imagine that such things will work based on the television shows I watch on my twin-sized bed in the basement...And never forget to tell her that, "I am better than you."