Your Pubic Hairstyle Says A Lot About You

When I was about 13 years old, I went to a friends house. She was a year older than me and a year wiser. My other guy friend liked her, and I liked her friend. So the four of us sat around the front of her house talking, hanging out like most 13 year-olds do. The topic of pubes came up. Since I'm a disgusting pervert since as long as I can remember, it was probably me who brought it up. After several minutes of talking about it, her dad came out. I thought I was dead meat, but instead he gave me valuable advice that I remember to this day, 10 years later. "At some point in your life, you're going to shave your pubes." Blasphemy. Why would I touch that region of my body? Besides, I only had like two long strands of hair down there. My oh my has 10 years been a long time.

So that got me thinking about all the different pubic hairstyles that are around. Whatever design of hair, or lack thereof, definitely says a lot about you as a person. I'm going to critique each one and offer my correct opinion and the style you should choose.

All natural - This is for people who grew up anytime in the 70s or before. It is commonly referred to as a bush. The reasoning for this is because it looks like a bush. I think it is utterly disgusting and repulsive. People who only trim their bikini lines and leave the rest to nature clearly have low self-esteem issues, are not sexually active, and probably are too poor to afford a 30 cent razor. I don't actually know of any human that does not at least trim their pubic hair, except my former roommate. The amount of laughter that occurred after seeing that pile of pubes was enough to make me shit my pants. Cause that's what happens after you laugh for a long time.

The Landing Strip - I feel as if I'm posting this prematurely because it is the odds-on favorite to win "Best Pubic Hairstyle". The reasoning? It tells me that you are adventurous, you like to fly in airplanes, you can see straight, you might be good at measuring things, and you like to have lots and lots of sex. They say there is a study that shows the amount of sex that women with landing strip pubes has is far greater than that of any other pubic design. And I'm not making this up. It's a classic look that looks great and feels great. It doesn't get in the way of any activities and let's the male know that they are at least 12-years-old. And that right there is great. "Old enough to pee, old enough for me!"

The Brazilian - This is just terrifying. I recently had a conversation with a group of humans about the Brazilian Wax. I knew that it removed all hair from the body, but I didn't know that it was ALL hair. Take me for instance. I am a boy and I have a penis and testicles. If I were to go to a waxing shop or wherever they do that stuff to get a Brazilian, I thought they would only remove my upper pubic region. According to the other humans in the conversation, everything must go. That means they put hot wax on both my penis and testicles. Are you fucking kidding me? Who would ever allow anyone to do that? What if they rip something off? Same applies to you ladies. What if they rip your lady parts off? This is a suicide mission. One that I will never sign up for. Anyone who is willing to sign up for this torture treatment is a psychotic lunatic who loves feeling pain. If you really want to be clean down there, just shave. Don't put hot wax anywhere near there. I could never be with a waxer. Sicko's.

The V - Have you ever seen "Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis"? Well in one of his skits he has Natalie Portman on and he says I know you shaved your head in V for Vendetta, does that mean you shave your V for vagina? Which poses the question, why do girls shave V's into their vaginas? V is easily one of the worst letters in the alphabet. I think almost any other letter would be much cooler. Like M, for instance. It could stand for 'mighty' or 'magnificent' or even 'morally corrupt'. Any of these things would be much much better than just a plain old V. I don't know how many pornography films I have watched where the girl has a V emblazoned on her taco. Girls who use this lack creativity, social skills, and friends. Friends don't let friends shave V's into their vaginas.

Customized - Since Harry Potter became a theme in American pop culture, many girls and guys have taken the liberty to make their pubes look like a lightning bolt. I'm all for trying new things, but lightning bolts are fucking lame. Am I going to get electrocuted if I enter into your magic hole? Will Harry Potter use his expecto patronum spell on me? What are the repercussions? If there aren't any, why even bother? Hearts are also becoming a growing trend. If you have a heart, you clearly aren't in love and are just trying to get fucked. Partners would not allow that shit to go on for very long, and for good reason. We're already in love, as you can tell, because I'm about to enter you. No need to remind me with your pubic selection. And names/initials are becoming a major threat. It's like a stamp of approval for the owner of the property. You know, in case you forget while you are dating. I'd hate to be the guy who's banging your girlfriend all while reading your initials during it. It'll make me feel like a scumbag, you know?

The winner is obviously The Landing Strip as I stated it quite explicitly in the opening sentence. I don't give out second place awards because second place means "first loser". And I'm a winner. So any girls who might be reading this, if you contain a landing strip be sure to let me know as I will be automatically attracted to you that much more. But that's only my opinion. The only opinion that matters because it's never been wrong. Simply because "I am better than you."