Yoga Is Harder Than Saying Goodbye To Friends And Former Lovers

Life is filled with lots of comings and goings. I came into the world Tuesday, April 13 1988. It was at 10:34am that the doctor cut my mom's stomach open and yanked me out to wreak havoc on the world. I've always had this idea that I'm something special. I have this innate ability to connect to people via my words. I  command a room when I call for it. Regardless of topic, people will tend to stop what they're doing and listen to me. I'll be inappropriate. I'll be emotional. I'll be humorous. Sometimes it's all rolled into one. Most times. With that being said, I've come to understand I have to keep meeting more and more people. Why? Because people need to know who I am.

Recently, I've had those closest to me, I believe they are called friends (sometimes best friends), depart. It started with one leaving for Dubai. It continued with one leaving for San Diego. And now, in the next week or so, it will continue with 3 more leaving for Nashville. So what is my next move? This person who's clamored all his life for attention, for friends, for people. What do I do to impart my gift? My guess is nothing because I've seemed to learn that people, all people, are selfish by nature. They will do whatever it is they set their sights on and maybe it's time for me to do the same. Not take it so damn personally that people have different ideas of how to live life.

This all ties in to the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Saying goodbye is never easy, and yeah I know it's not goodbye, it's see you later. But not really. And that's not the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But yoga is. What? Yoga. Whoever started that shit is some sort of maniac. I thought for the longest time that yoga was the total coming out of the closet technique. And then I saw that viral video of the paratrooper who had walking sticks and was like 400 lbs. because he couldn't walk or work out. And he lost a shit ton of weight and was running. I was like holy shit! that's incredible. I'll dominate yoga.

Wrong. So so wrong. Never in my wildest dreams did I think stretching would be hard as shit, but it is. Downward-facing dog, the warrior, runner's pose, child's pose. All of them are ridiculously tough and my body ached 10 minutes into the workout. And then you continue watching others do it because you don't want to feel bad about yourself, but the truth of the matter is I felt worse. People touching down the ground with their palms, squating on dicks, and other phenomenal feats that words can't describe adequately. The worst part about it is that I was sore the next day. From 10 minutes of stretching. It wasn't bad enough that a lot of the women in the class were laughing at my bulge, or should I say, lack thereof, but I couldn't even keep up with them in my incredibly tight compression shorts. Detrimental to my ridiculously large ego.

Yoga and saying goodbye. Two totally different concepts on the spectrum of hard things. Heck, they probably aren't even on the same spectrum they're so damn different. But in so many ways they are the same. Both leave you feeling depleted because you can't do either of them. Yet, there you stand trying to tell your friend or your instructor, "This isn't what I want. I don't want to want to give up." Just like in a game of poker, sometimes it's best to fold. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether that be a friend moving away or a yoga instructor telling you you're not good enough. It builds character and ultimately makes you stronger. Another stop in the game of life. Or so I hope.

Ultimately I've realized that I'm not doing anywhere near enough coming and everyone else is doing way too much going. But so is life. In my own bizarre, twisted way I've come to accept the fact that I'm happiest when I'm not happy. Because what is happiness really? Watching the sun rise in the back of a truck at 6:00am passing around a bottle of Sir Francis Drake? Splitting a pizza with someone you've come to care about a whole lot and realizing the true definition of love? Or watching The O.C. and eating a bag of popcorn with about 20 starburst and 100 skittles on the side? I don't know. Those days and those times pass much like everything else. Sometimes I feel like a modern-day Holden Caulfield. And that's what makes me know that "I am better than you."

Things That Girls Like That Are Stupid

Have you ever slept in a girl's bed? Whether she was with you or you crept in? I'm more familiar with the latter situation, but did you happen to notice something about her bed? The absurd amount of pillows that were located on it. Two pillows for actually sleeping on. Two for decoration. And maybe another two that they call 'throw' pillows. Well guess what? I'm going to throw them at your face because they are fucking stupid, like girls. Do you think your bed looks that much better because it contains six different pillows? Are you all of a sudden a Martha Stewart of bedroom decor? Probably not. So I've decided to enforce my superiority over the female race by reviewing most things that girls like that are stupid. Like their faces.

(comfortable, no?)

"Let's go out to get dinner", says some whiny, annoying girlfriend. "Where would you like to go?", says myself. "Mmmmm. Sushi!". Fuck you. Why do girls like sushi so much? They won't perform oral sex because it's gross, but they'll shove raw fish down their mouth. Well here's to hoping that you get mercury poisoning.  To go further along with that thought, they all seem to like Panera Bread too. Of course I love spending my hard-earned money on you, especially when it's for an $8 four-inch sandwich. As long as it makes you happy, right? Plus it's already pre-made, so it's not like your getting fresh food. Just girl's logic I tell you...

This one is one of my favorites. Babies. Girls love little babies. I can't tell you how many times my newsfeed has been polluted with pictures of cute, wittle babies the last year or so. "Look at my 3-year-old niece, isn't she so precious?" or "My coworker's child is so beautiful. She's the cutest thing I've ever seen!!" If that happens to be the case, why won't you let me have sex with you without a condom? If you like babies so much and think they're so cute, let's make one. So the response you get is, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't want one of those things. It'll ruin the rest of my life." Why yes, yes it will. So you find babies to be cute and wonderful, but when it comes to being your own, they're despicable?  Good logic girls. Well done.

There's about a 99% chance that Instagram is one of the worst app inventions ever. Here we are using our cellular telephones to take pictures of things that we eat, duck faces, a close-up of your acne-covered face, and your bikini body that can stand to lose 5-10 pounds. I'm not quite sure I've ever seen a picture on Instagram that I thought a 4-year-old blind child couldn't take. They're blurry pictures with shades of grey in the background. Please make note of my reference to Shades of Grey, a book that women love despite the fact that it is degrading and immoral. A guy tying up women for his sexual escapades, getting them close to climax and stopping. Lather, rinse, repeat. Why are you subjecting yourselves to that? If I ever did that to you in real life, you'd murder me, so why read it in a book while your panties are saturated? Skanks.

Pinterest is pretty much the equivalent to Instagram. Let me "pin" my interests and then post about it all over Facebook. I promise you I could give 2 fucks less as to what you are pinning. That shit is stupid. I also love the fashion tips Pinterest provides. For some odd reason, all girls seem to think that they are fashionistas and could wear anything they want and guys will compliment them on it. Here's the thing. I read on the internet a couple of times the past few months that if girls dressed for guys, they wouldn't wear anything at all. Girls dress to impress other girls and then talk shit about them behind their backs. It's totally true and not one female acquaintance of mine can deny it. In my good conscience, the less clothing you're wearing, the closer I am to conquering you. Facts.

(thank you Pinterest!)

So to sum things up, girls love making their beds with elegant sheets and comforters and designer pillows, just to take it all off when the go to sleep. They love eating sushi because it's much more wholesome than swallowing a load. They love babies, so long as they're not theirs to keep. They love taking shitty photographs and claim they are artistic. They love showcasing their fashion-side and go outside wearing stupid fucking rainboots and bright yellow pants. In every regard, men are better than women. They like better things. They are smarter. Have bigger brains. And lastly, they eat real food. So not only are men better than women, but "I am better than you."

Wiz Khalifa Is As Talented As A Piece Of Shit

"Uh, black stripe, yellow paint

them niggas scared of it, but them ho's ain't

soon as I hit the club look at them ho's face

hit the pedal once, make the floor shake"

So this is a line from 'Black and Yellow.' A song most notably released late in the year 2010. The artist you ask? His name is Wiz Khalifa. Like the wizard of being a piece of shit musician/lyricist/human. I actually read on Wikipedia that he took the khalifa name from an Arabic word meaning "successor". I can assure you that he successfully allowed me to lose all faith in America and others that are a part of my generation. His music fucking blows. I would rather become a hermit with leprosy, a paralyzed diabetic, and a degenerate white trash with AIDS than to listen to any other piece of music that comes out of this guy's mouth. I'm only getting started.

Wiz apparently stands for "wisdom." He was given that name as a child as well because he was good at everything. Everything except for making decent music it seems. I don't know what kind of cocky, inconsiderate dickhead thinks that they are good at everything as a child. Are you even sure what wisdom means? Let me define it for you, you fuckass. Wisdom  - "knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action;sagacity, discernment, or insight." What in God's name do you think you know that is right or just at the age of fucking 10? How to wipe your ass? Why you shouldn't tell on your siblings? Because I personally didn't learn that until I was roughly 17. You are the least wise person in the history of the planet.

I would rather be a miserable, lonely, poor fucking asshole than to go around, parading the US "singing" that song and any other shitty song you've made from when you became the wise successor to now.  I don't even think this is a matter of opinion. It's just a blatant fact. I found it to be entirely too humorous that your musical inspiration as a child came from, wait for it, Jimi Hendrix, Camp Lo, The Notorious B.I.G., and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony. Now I'll admit. I have no idea who the fuck Camp Lo is, but I for sure can tell you who the other 3 are. And you got your inspiration from them? Jimi is probably seizuring in his casket and B.I.G. probably had a fucking stroke or 3. What a goddamn joke.

I could probably think of 3 things associated with the Wiz that are worse than you, but I wouldn't go around mentioning it to people. 1) The Wiz - the black remake of the 'Wizard of Oz', probably the most classical movie ever made in American cinema. But you're no worse than the remake that featured an all-black cast and that child-fucker Michael Jackson, who God bless the world that he's dead. Right idea. Terrible execution in the movie. 2) The Washington Wizards - the epitome of a terrible franchise with dumb ass fans living in the DMV area that think they are so close to being good. I don't think the Wizards/Bullets have been good since 1977. So you got those guys beat out too. 3) The Wiz - but Mike, didn't you already mention The Wiz? Why, yes. Yes, I did. But now I'm talking about the electronics store that featured Derek Jeter and a slogan that said "Nobody beats the Wiz". Except everyone did because they went bankrupt relatively quickly. So fuck the Wiz. 

(several careers lined up at Blockbuster)

And let me just celebrate him for his uncanny ability to reference marijuana in 99% of his outings. Bravo! Who the fuck are you? You sound like a typical 14-year-old high schooler that thinks they're so cool because they smoke pot. You're not fucking cool. It's not that cool to smoke pot. And I think you're a huge pussy because you reference it so much. So what? You smoke pot. Do you want some kind of medal or medallion for your efforts? People have been trying to legalize that shit for a long time now, so don't think you've come up with some incredible idea. Rolling blunts and smoking onstage. How bold of you! I mean, just to think if only something like that happened where people gathered and did drugs for long periods. You could call it something like, I dunno, Woodstock. Great ideas keep unfolding for you!

(mystifying artwork!)

Thank you America and my fellow generational members as you keep promoting this fucking loser of a musician to greater and greater heights. It's because of your non-stop attitude and devotion to becoming more and more uneducated, that people like Wiz Khalifa continue to reap the rewards of being a talentless hack, who can do no more than say black and yellow 100 times in a 3:30 span. I applaud each and every one of you who purchased or illegally downloaded Rolling Papers. You've done the right thing. As for me, I shall continue my reign of superioity. A little expression I like to use that goes something like, "I am better than you."

Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."