The Royal Wedding And Other Things That I Give Two Shits Less About

As of this writing, the most important pop culture spectacular has yet to occur. But since you read these exciting publications when you should be working, it will have already taken place. I'm talking about the Royal Wedding. You know, the one with William and Kate. The prince and the commoner. I went to Wal-Mart today to get my passport photo taken and while I was waiting around for it, I ventured to the books/magazines section. And what do I see staring right back at me? A magazine dedicated to the extraordinary life of Kate Middleton. Jesus fucking Christ. I could give two shits less.

I don't give a shit about what people think about me. I'm pretty sure if you have ever come into contact with me, you understand that. I say whatever is on my mind and with no qualms whatsoever. If you don't like what I have to say. Fuck you. If you don't like me because I'm too vulgar. Fuck you. If you think I'm too offensive. Fuck you. You get the idea. I've come to realize after 23 years of existence that you're going to come across people who don't like you no matter what you do. You can cater to them, be friendly, give them the shirt off your back, and they still won't like you. So fuck them.

I don't give a shit about what you have to say on your Facebook status. Every afternoon when I wake up, I turn my computer on, read up on espn.com, and then I click Facebook. People who narrate their entire lives on Facebook are the devil. Nobody gives a shit about what you have to say. I don't care that you just had the runs because you ate an old Greek salad. I don't care if you're going to the hospital to get some bloodwork done. I don't care if you quote actresses that have been dead for 50 years. I don't care. Stop interfering with my newsfeed and pissing me off simultaneously.

I don't give a shit about whether or not Obama was born in the United States. Yes, it says in the Constitution that every president needs to be a natural born citizen. What the fuck does that mean anyway? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the president of our country needing to have been born here, but at the present time don't we have more important issues to be thinking about? Like how our unemployment rate is hovering around 9%? How that goofball in office promised to pull our troops out of Afghanistan/Iraq, yet we still have all of them there? Let's stop making a big deal about his birth certificate and concentrate on how to improve our country.

I don't give a shit about cats. In fact, I hate them. I'm allergic to them. I think they're ugly. I think their tongues with the texture of sandpaper is fucking retarded. Who needs to self-cleanse themselves? Jump in the fucking tub in your house, stupid cat. You'd think they'd try to clean themselves properly instead of licking themselves. What a stupid fucking breed of animal. Anybody who likes cats more than dogs deserves to be homeless. (Cough Anna cough. It's okay you can stay living in your apartment)

There are a lot of other things that I don't give a shit about, but I think you've gotten the point by now. The Royal Wedding is just another publicity stunt to divert our attention away from the actual relevant problems we have in the world. And yes, maybe it's grandiose for all the girls who grew up wishing they could be a princess and are envious of Kate Middleton because she gets to live that dream in the next couple of hours. But Kate Middleton is a lot more attractive than any of you will ever be and that's why she's marrying the prince of England. So go back to running on the treadmill trying to lose those last 3 lbs. to make you a size 12 instead of a 14. Go back to eating the Big Macs and French Fries that make you hard to look at in the first place. But don't think for one second that I don't hate you. Because I do. And it's only because "I am better than you."

Naked Gym. What A Novel Idea

You have to hand it to Spain. Not only are they an exclusive member of P.I.G.S. (Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain) and depleting the European Union, they may or may not have initiated the worst idea in the history of ideas. (http://www.metro.co.uk/news/861754-gym-offers-naked-exercise-sessions) One of their gyms, Easy Gym, is offering its members the opportunity to exercise naked. Now, it isn't a nude-only club as you have the option of keeping them on or taking them off. The president of the gym said his only motivation for marketing the gym in such a way was to help generate interest and to recoup most of the money he lost due to the recession over there. He thinks people aren't going to the gym because of the recession. Wrong!

Now I can't say for sure what it's like over in Spain, but I know that in the good ole U.S. of A. people don't go to the gym not because of the lack of money, but mostly because we are all lazy pieces of shit. It isn't a coincidence that we have the highest obesity rate in the world. So maybe people aren't going to the gym because they actually don't have the extra money. But your bright idea, Merche Laseca, is to offer your members the option of exercising naked? Is that some sort of sick joke?

What kind of people go to the gym? I know of three. 1) People with low self-esteem who are trying to make themselves feel better on the outside by compensating for the worthlessness they feel on the inside. 2) People who are genuinely trying to improve their look because everything seems to go their way anyway. 3) People who are fat and disgusting and are actually trying to lose weight because they are fat and disgusting. And group number 3 probably makes up a large chunk of the gym population. So now the naked gym doesn't seem like such a good idea, does it? Right again.

(Weak piece of shit)

And how embarrassing would it be if you go to the gym at a real location, say Los Angeles, and there's a hot chick with huge implants and a small frame. You get to the butterfly machine, but she's already taken the spot. Next thing you know, you're in the corner of the gym hiding your erection because you can't stop looking at the girl compressing her big fake boobs together. Now what? Is a gym the ideal place to be wandering around with a boner? Do you know how many guys are at the gym, especially the roided out douchebags? This has tragedy written all over it. I could never go to the gym naked, just because that would happen the one time I go.

(I know the black one is Gemini)

The owner also made it a point to make up some story about how the ancient Greeks used to perform in the nude during the Olympics. Didn't they use to feed you to the lions if you came in 4th place? Yeah, just what I'd like. To be running from a lion in the buff so he could rip apart my man area and eat it like the sick son of a bitch that he/she is. The athletes definitely did not participate naked in the Olympics. I don't care what fake drawings and illustrations have been made. I don't believe it. Not for one second. I would assuredly make fun of my opponent for that angel hair pasta that he called a penis. Gold medal for me.

(I told you they weren't nude)

The whole reasoning behind the naked Olympics was so that women couldn't participate. And they wonder why I yell at them to continue cooking and cleaning? It's always been that way. During fake Jesus' time, to the Olympics, and now to the present day. Women have always had a role and it was to serve man. These aren't my beliefs, just what I witness on a day-to-day basis. Don't shoot the messenger. But this article did at least one thing for me. It made me realize how much smarter and better America is than everywhere else. Because people in Spain think of nude gyms. Sorry Spain, I hate to break it to you, but "I am better than you."

The Fountain Of Youth Was Discovered By Ponce de Leon. Didn't You Know That?

My Catholic grammar school should have spent a longer time teaching me about the Fountain of Youth, but I can see why they didn't now. Ponce de Leon was the greatest explorer of all time because he founded something better than America. Sorry Columbus. The last time I checked, the United States of America wasn't keeping me any younger, just slightly more stressed for being unemployed. Are you ready for this? Here it comes, "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 4: The Existence of the Fountain of Youth.

(Obviously I wouldn't show you the real location)

It's taken me nearly two months since my last volume, but I thought I'd conjure up something that is truly remarkable and definitely real. Juan Ponce de Leon was the first governor of Puerto Rico; I bet you didn't know that. Puerto Rico is responsible for so many great things such as Bacardi, Captain Morgan (the rum, not the human), Bernie Williams, and preventing itself from becoming the 51st state in the Union. But had they not allowed themselves to be conquered by such an incredible explorer, we may have never found the Fountain of Youth, again.

So after de Leon got tired of running shit in Rich Port, he decided to take his travels northwest. It was in 1513 when he landed in Florida that history was once again revolutionized. He had found the Fountain of Youth. But the common misconception is that he was the first to find it. In fact, Moses had founded it first thousands of years earlier. The actual Fountain had gotten buried when he parted the Red Sea, and then set it back in place. How else do you think Moses lived until he was 800? What? Moses didn't actual exist? How little you know my friend.

(Celebrating his 783rd birthday. Happy birthday Moses!)

Florida is known around the world to be the territory that houses the Fountain of Youth. That's why old people go there when they're ready to "retire". It's not a mystery as to why your grandparents never seem to die in Florida. It's not the temperature, nor is it the cool palm trees keeping them alive. They sip on that youth drink that's brought to all the retirement homes in the entire state. And that old fogey Johnny Depp found it necessary to make another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie to highlight his adventure in finding it. If anything, that movie is going to make the Fountain of Youth less credible. Thanks Johnny.

Nowadays people find it necessary to market any of their "fake" anti-aging products with some sort of tagline about secret serums found only from the Fountain of Youth. The guardians of the Fountain of Youth would never allow these losers to take anything from the prestigious water. So when you stop in at your local Rite-Aid to pick up ping pong balls for a nifty weekend of beer pong, don't let those anti-aging creams grab hold of your attention. They don't really work. Science has proven it.

(Bullshit lies)

Ah yes. So have I done my part in convincing you that the Fountain of Youth really does exist? I've given irrefutable evidence as to its existence. First we have Moses, then Ponce de Leon (the greatest explorer ever), grandparents in Florida retirement homes that just won't die, and fake anti-aging creams because they don't have any ingredients from the real Fountain of Youth. If you continue reading my blog on a Monday-Friday basis from now until you turn 63, I might, I just might give you the coordinates to the Holy Grail. Until then, keep wishing you had the courage to say to me, "I am better than you."