Yes, Aliens Exist But Dinosaurs Do Not. For Serious.

I've educated you readers once with my proof that dinosaurs do not exist. I ranted about the stupidity of religion and how God is a made-up figure used to boast sales of the greatest fictional story of all-time, The Bible. And now, I give you the pleasure of reading "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 3. (Working title) There is such thing as extraterrestrial life on Earth, and I have mounted proof. From the crash in Roswell in 1947, to Area 51, to former basketball player Sam Cassell, aliens surely exist in some capacity. Scoooooooooot.

When an object crash landed in Roswell in 1947, it was reported that a "flying disc" was seen at the landing site. The military came in and the next day, it was reported that one of their surveillance balloons that was sent up in the sky to take pictures crashed down to earth. The story was immediately dropped. Then about 30 years later, some physicist said that all that shit was a cover-up and it was indeed a UFO that landed there. And then The National Enquirer, a super credible news source, reported alien autopsies took place. A television program was aired between 1999-2002 called Roswell and if it's on t.v. than it most certainly is real. Not convinced yet are we? I'll spew more facts.

Area 51 is a well-known military research facility that tests experimental aircraft and weapons. They are purported to have tested some of the crash materials found at Roswell. Some even say that those who work there have flown some of the UFOs they have gathered over the years. Roswell is in New Mexico. Area 51 is in Nevada, a very close neighbor to the former Mexican owned land. Some of the tests they have been linked to include, weather control, aliens, time travel, and teleportation. Everyone who watched Lost knows that time travel is real, because that show was based on true events. And the Harry Potter series contributed to the realism of teleportation. Lastly, Area 51 was a badass video game that included aliens and such. Pretty good convincer, aren't I? I know.

I talked about basketball yesterday and how all these players have tattoos nowadays. Well, there is one basketball player that doesn't have any tats, but he does possess something that no other NBA player does. And that is a big alien head. See below.

Text me when you read this if you don't actually believe he is an alien. I don't expect any texts to come in in the next 24 hours. That is the ideal shape of a head that belongs to an alien. It's probably a size 12 and bald as one can be. And look at that excuse for a mouth. He probably swallows baby calves and humans whole. An alien by all accounts.

Three of the most credible and outstanding arguments to support the existence of alien life, right here in black and white. And I am not talking about immigrants in the Home of the Brave. Actual extraterrestrial life that exists in the Milky Way Galaxy and beyond. And my proof is a television show that was on the WB for 3 seasons, an arcade-style video game that was the fuckin' shit, and a retired basketball player. If not for me, you would continue to walk through life without the knowledge of aliens. Watch The X Files if you should find yourself doubting me and my impossible to disprove opinions/facts. You can't because, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://www.carolinawatercooler.com/cassell.jpg

The Word Epic As An Adjective Needs To Fucking Stop

I'm really tired of hearing about how everything is fucking epic. I took an epic shit today. I ate an epic bowl of cereal for breakfast. That is an epic watch you're wearing. Holy flying fuck shit. Stop saying epic. You sound like a moron. You probably don't even know what epic means. Epic: the most overused word ever, next to fail. For even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." Everything is epic now. Epic car. Epic haircut. Epic movie. Epic album. Epic shut the fuck up" (urbandictionary.com) Yeah that sounds about right.

But in all honesty this is what epic is defined as, "extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope". So to say that you did anything epic it sure as hell better be beyond the usual or ordinary. Way too often do I hear dickheads describe shit as epic. Epic fail is beyond my least favorite. What the fuck is an epic fail? I'd rather drink an entire gallon of drain-o and pour vinegar into my eyes than to listen to some asshole say that phrase again. Unfortunately for me, I live in a society where stupid pieces of shit go running around saying, "OMG did you see that old man slip and fall on that black ice? What an epic fail. LOL" These are people who need to be donkey kicked in the throat and/or groinal region.

All this venting got me thinking about some more things that bother me. "Epic Movie" was probably the biggest pile of horseshit movie ever written, directed, and acted. The same idiots who made the same spoofs about dating, the Spartans, disasters, and the Twilight saga bullshit. And what really makes me sick is that this "Epic Movie" was number one in the box office the weekend it came out. How fucking miserable are we as Americans that we are going to see God-awful movies? As if there is nothing better to spend money on? I'm stingy with my money because I don't have a lot of it, but jesus christ if I had an infinite amount of money I still wouldn't go anywhere near that travesty.

Nintendo came out with a video game on the Wii console right before Christmas. Do you have any inkling as to what the name of that game was? Probably not, because you are too cool for video games. Excuse me you pompous asshole. But the name of the game was "Epic Mickey". The premise of the game was to go around to different places and paint shit. The dickwads at Disney thought it would be cool to create a game that required you to walk around and paint incoherent splotches of paint on castle walls and Bluto. Well fuck me. That sounds like a fantastic idea. Good thing I bought six copies to wipe my ass with. And it didn't feel good.

The soon to be Gears of War trilogy is produced by Epic Games. Do I need to tell you that I will no longer play said game? Even in good causes like E.P.I.C. (Every Person Influences Children) the meaning is lost because it has a stupid fucking name. I don't even care what they're trying to accomplish because I have a gut feeling that it isn't epic. Am I taking this out of proportion? Yes, but you would only think that if you are an idiot. The word epic has officially been destroyed and it should not be used ever again. This blog however is on its way to epic heights because of you the assholes who still read it for some reason. But I'm pretty sure it's because "I am better than you."

The Easiest Way To Lose Weight Is To Have Never Gotten Fat To Begin With

I'm tired of looking at people who are fat. I understand that being fat has its perks, like it not hurting when you fall on your ass/cottage cheese, or knowing that whatever you wear, you'll probably look terrible regardless. It just pains me so much because if everyone had a natural physique like mine, the world would be a better place. I've seen people of all shapes and sizes and the ones who are most repulsive are those who are obese. Obesity is a disease in which you can't stop eating because you have no self-value and very little care in your appearance. I am here to help.

I recently read a study that linked childhood obesity with an insufficient amount of sleep. If you are laughing, stop, because that's apparently real. Yes children are fucking fatso's because they aren't getting enough sleep. Let's disregard all the fucking happy meals they're eating and the 12 cans of soda they drink a day, as well as the time video games consume their souls. I swear to God researchers are the dumbest motherfuckers around. To even make a statement like that is borderline retarded. Excuses are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink. But I have a solution or five.

Like the title says the easiest way to lose weight is to never put it on in the first place. But since none of us are perfect (besides me) I did a little research. One of the first ways you can prevent yourself from becoming fat or to stop being fat is bulimia. I understand throwing up is not an ideal situation for everyone, but optimal for losing excess weight. If you don't want the acid to burn your esophogus there is always solution number two, anorexia. Stopping yourself from eating is a great way to cut down on ghastly weight gains. And lastly, we have laxatives. This way you can poop out all those unwanted Big Mac's. However, I should note that this measure is only for the males because, as we all know, girls don't poop.

We shouldn't be celebrating those who are obese. "The Biggest Loser" is an example as to why our country is looked upon like a big joke. We are putting fat fucking losers on television and then paying them to lose weight. PAYING people to lose weight. Gone are the days of looking good for yourself. If it doesn't amount to a paycheck, than it isn't worth our time? Right? How nieve and despicable we truly are. And I blame that liberal Obama who's in the White House for this. If we had jobs we wouldn't resort to getting fat so that we can earn a paycheck.

No, there is no such thing as an obese gene. Yes, these people can help it. We all go through rough times and to blame your mortifying weight gain on your problems is foolish and unacceptable. If you don't have a good metabolism, eat three meals a day. Work out. Run. Jog. Stop eating. Stop drinking. Obesity is very easy to overcome. I joked about it before, but seriously, it doesn't take much to lose weight. Stop blaming a lack of sleep on childhood obesity. Start taking responsibility for your poor actions. Life is too short to dance with fat chicks. Keep that in mind to the four girls reading this, because I will only dance with you if you are indeed skinny. I am and that already means "I am better than you."