February 14: Singles Awareness Day

Once upon a time St. Valentine shot some arrows at some people and then they fell in love. That's the accurate history of February 14. St. Valentine's Day. For those of us who are not in committed relationships, February 14 is the worst day of the year. You get to look at people who are happy to be with each other, and make kisses, and eat exquisite dinners, and have tons of sex. All things that sound pretty good right about now. But what do those who are single do on this fine holiday? Commiserate and console each other, that's what. So for those who are single just like me, I've compiled a list of things you could do so you don't lie in bed all day crying and wishing you were in love.

1.) Go see a movie. Have any friends who are single? Family members? Go see a movie. Nothing says I'm single like a good old-fashioned film. You're best bet is something that isn't too lovey-dovey because you'll end up wanting to kill yourself. Stick to some sort of action movie or comedy to let those feelings of self-loathing subside. My pick would be Justin Bieber: Never Say Never because you definitely won't be thinking about anything sexual.

2.) Get really drunk. Any time I get really down or upset about something, I sit in my room alone and take shots of Captain Morgan. Because when you get drunk, all of your problems seem to be alleviated. Getting drunk is also relatively cheap, cheaper than going to the movie theatre. And instead of crying yourself to sleep, you can just pass out which is also pretty great. You just have to make sure you don't txt an ex-lover because things could get emotional.

3.) Have your dinner delivered. My mom, my sister, and myself are all single at the present time and nothing says family unity like delivered dinner. We'll probably get Chinese food and complain about all the times we've had our hearts broken. At least my mom and my sister might, I'll probably be enamored with what the fortune cookie says. And then after dinner, have some drinks and just enjoy each other's company. Just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you don't have anyone who cares about you. Keep it positive.

4.) Buy yourself some presents. I'm unemployed, so I can't, per se. But what about you? I know that usually the best time of the year is Christmas. Why? Because you get some presents. Valentine's Day should be the same for single people. Nothing says happiness like buying yourself shit you can't really afford. But it's better than wallowing all day and thinking about the times you had with somebody special. What is that really going to do for you? Probably just make you more upset. Materialism always feels better.

5.) Find a fling on craiglist. If you're a really sensitive bastard, love-making might be the route to go. Check on websites like craigslist.com or other escort services that can hook you up. That way you can make love, cry about it to them afterward, and then go on living your normal life. But for those 3 minutes, you'll forget about being a miserable piece of shit and that's what we're trying to accomplish, right? For some, it's the intimacy that they long for, not the feelings of love. This option is strictly for those individuals.

There you have it. A survival guide on how to make February 14 the best day it can be. If none of these options sound good to you, fuck off and make your own damn survival guide. As for me, I will check off options 1-4. I would never bang somebody from craigslist. That's just weird. Give me a call tomorrow if you're single and we can wish each other a happy Singles Awareness Day. I might be single, but still, "I am better than you."