Home-Schoolers: The Very Best Steps In How To Lose Your Virginity

It's no secret that being home-schooled is a prerequisite for being a virgin. That is, unless you live in the South and have sex with your mom, dad, sister, and/or brother (Yuck!). But people do it and life goes on. Since I'm feeling very generous today, I decided to make a list as to the ways that you can lose your virginity after being dosed with some home-schooling. All you have to do is follow these important steps to getting that much closer to the panty drop.

1.) Learn to play an instrument. Since you will be stuck at home anyway, you might as well spend some of that time learning how to play an instrument. The best choice would be a harp. Harps are pretty fuckin' cool instruments and they were supposedly played by angels and shit. Imagine the feedback you will get from a girl or guy if you tell them you can play "Careless Whisper" by George Michael on the harp. Immediate drippage. But if you can't get a harp, go with a guitar. Some girls seem to like them too. (e.g. John Mayer, Jack Johnson)

2.) Play a sport. Girls love a guy that is athletic. They want to mooch off of him and take all the money he earns playing his respective sport. My choice? Bowling. A great fucking activity. It's cheap as shit to play, it requires a ball, you can get drunk playing it, and you can wear your shirt at a nightclub. Everthing I just mentioned is fantastic. Plus, after she realizes that you were home-schooled and wants your eventual marriage to end, she won't get any money because bowling is the only sport where you lose money playing it.

3.) Get drunk. This is by far the most common, and easiest way to lose your virginity. But chances are that since you were home-schooled you don't know how to hold a conversation. That's where getting drunk comes in. Everything seems to come naturally when you get hammered. You start talking about the time you saw your mom watching porno during your recess, or the the time you gave your 13-year-old brother a bubble bath after arts & crafts. She will be amused because she will think you are joking. But you won't understand because you'll already be so drunk. So remember, being drunk means being not a virgin.

4.) Tell a joke, or several. I brought up in step 3 how she will think you are joking and probably have sex with you. Bingo! Jokes are girl's ultimate downfall. If you can make her laugh, you can make her orgasm. The best way to make her laugh is to tell her a funny joke, like, "I'm really sad. My dick just died. I was wondering if I could bury it in your ass." She will think that is absolutely hysterical and proceed to provide 10 minutes of oral sexy time. After which, you can have normal sex with her and lose your virginity once and for all.

5.) Treat her like shit. If none of the aforementioned steps have worked, you are doing something wrong. In any case, you can resort to treating her like shit. Approach her and tell her something mean-spirited, but not so mean that she will kill herself or even worse, cry. Something like, "Hey, I thought Cougar Night was on Wednesdays." She will immediately feel old and worthless and her self-esteem will drop to the floor, hopefully right next to where her underwear will land. All you have to do is keep up the insults with some nice things thrown in to land her in your twin-sized bed in the basement.

It's that simple. Now I personally have never had sex nor have I been home-schooled, but I would imagine that such things will work based on the television shows I watch on my twin-sized bed in the basement...And never forget to tell her that, "I am better than you."

The Word Epic As An Adjective Needs To Fucking Stop

I'm really tired of hearing about how everything is fucking epic. I took an epic shit today. I ate an epic bowl of cereal for breakfast. That is an epic watch you're wearing. Holy flying fuck shit. Stop saying epic. You sound like a moron. You probably don't even know what epic means. Epic: the most overused word ever, next to fail. For even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." Everything is epic now. Epic car. Epic haircut. Epic movie. Epic album. Epic shut the fuck up" (urbandictionary.com) Yeah that sounds about right.

But in all honesty this is what epic is defined as, "extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope". So to say that you did anything epic it sure as hell better be beyond the usual or ordinary. Way too often do I hear dickheads describe shit as epic. Epic fail is beyond my least favorite. What the fuck is an epic fail? I'd rather drink an entire gallon of drain-o and pour vinegar into my eyes than to listen to some asshole say that phrase again. Unfortunately for me, I live in a society where stupid pieces of shit go running around saying, "OMG did you see that old man slip and fall on that black ice? What an epic fail. LOL" These are people who need to be donkey kicked in the throat and/or groinal region.

All this venting got me thinking about some more things that bother me. "Epic Movie" was probably the biggest pile of horseshit movie ever written, directed, and acted. The same idiots who made the same spoofs about dating, the Spartans, disasters, and the Twilight saga bullshit. And what really makes me sick is that this "Epic Movie" was number one in the box office the weekend it came out. How fucking miserable are we as Americans that we are going to see God-awful movies? As if there is nothing better to spend money on? I'm stingy with my money because I don't have a lot of it, but jesus christ if I had an infinite amount of money I still wouldn't go anywhere near that travesty.

Nintendo came out with a video game on the Wii console right before Christmas. Do you have any inkling as to what the name of that game was? Probably not, because you are too cool for video games. Excuse me you pompous asshole. But the name of the game was "Epic Mickey". The premise of the game was to go around to different places and paint shit. The dickwads at Disney thought it would be cool to create a game that required you to walk around and paint incoherent splotches of paint on castle walls and Bluto. Well fuck me. That sounds like a fantastic idea. Good thing I bought six copies to wipe my ass with. And it didn't feel good.

The soon to be Gears of War trilogy is produced by Epic Games. Do I need to tell you that I will no longer play said game? Even in good causes like E.P.I.C. (Every Person Influences Children) the meaning is lost because it has a stupid fucking name. I don't even care what they're trying to accomplish because I have a gut feeling that it isn't epic. Am I taking this out of proportion? Yes, but you would only think that if you are an idiot. The word epic has officially been destroyed and it should not be used ever again. This blog however is on its way to epic heights because of you the assholes who still read it for some reason. But I'm pretty sure it's because "I am better than you."

Nice Guys Finish Last, Even In The Bedroom

I learned a lot of things this weekend. Being nice, when it involves dating and relationships is the wrong route to go. For some reason, females tend to have a problem with guys who treat them well. Why exactly? I don't have an official answer, but one that I conjured up with the enormous brain I carry around all day long. Girls enjoy the challenge of breaking down a guy with "mysterious" qualities. He needs to have an edge, something that separates him from everyone else. If he's a dickhead, surely there is a reason as to why. But what dumbass girls don't understand is, there is NO reason, except to get in your pants.

Women, girls, or cooks/cleaners, whatever it is you refer to them as, like two types of guys. 1) A guy who treats them like shit and is a complete asshole and 2) A guy with a lot of experience, especially in the bedroom. The reason they like assholes is because they see it as a way to try and figure out why he is an asshole and try to change him. The reason they like guys with a shit ton of experience is rather obvious. Because they know what the fuck they're doing. And if you can find a guy that has both qualities, well in the world of female thinking, they just hit the fucking jackpot.

Every so many years I hear people at accredited universities and colleges run tests and do experiments and conduct research and claim that women on the average are smarter than men. I would like to meet every one of these pieces of shit and kick them all in the throat. Not only do girls have zero intelligence, they are all fucking lunatics. Every single one of them is crazy in some aspect. For Christ's sake they don't even know what they want in a man. Yeah I know, someone with money, who is tall, well-educated, handsome, and a piece of shit who treats them like the neighborhood stray. Get your heads out of your asses and open your fucking minds, you supposed smart-asses.

I have a sister. She recently met a guy who is too nice. Yes, too nice. Never in my life have I considered that to be a negative quality. But when I was told by the four other girls in the room that being too nice is a problem, I nearly had a seizure. Being with a guy who is too nice is too predictable. He always does the right thing, and good God-Almighty that is 100% unacceptable. All of them are so wrapped up in finding something that doesn't exist. Like dinosaurs. If someone opens the door for you, and pays for dinner, and walks you home, they clearly have good moral values. But if they don't return your texts, or go Dutch on dinner, and then bang you and never speak to you again, they are suddenly intriguing. Being a cook/cleaner must be the worst thing ever.

So this weekend taught me so many things. Never treat a girl with respect, because they will not find any interest in you. Make sure you bang as many things as you can because the better you are at it, the better they will like you. And never, ever let them finish first. Having sex is like running in a race. The faster you finish, the better off you are. But if you are a nice guy you will always finish last. In terms of relationships, life, and sex, it is better to always finish first. Because assholes finish first and when I do finally have sexual intercourse I will win because not only am I better than her, but "I am better than you."