Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 2)

Oh. Hello. You've ventured back to see what the top 5 movies of this summer are going to be. How exciting.

5. The Green Lantern

I had a boner just thinking about including my man crush on this summer movie list. I don't think anybody could say no to Ryan Reynolds. No man. No woman. He is the ultimate catch. The fact that Scarlett Johansson divorced him to be with Sean Penn, blows my mind. Probably the best looking guy of all time, dumped for the 52-year-old man with kids near his new girlfriend's age. Disgusting. I don't know what it is about girls and their obsessions with older men. Repugnant, vile creatures you are. But this is the 3rd major superhero movie that comes out this summer. I'm not sure exactly when it comes out, but I've got a gut feeling that it will be the best of the bunch. Thor is lame and #6 Captain America is a traitor. I love you Ryan.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

So I've read no more than 30 books in my entire life. Some people think that's classless, but those people are assholes. Why would I read when I can watch something instead, like a television adaptation or movie? But I did manage to read all 7 Harry Potter books because I was a virgin until I turned 19. Just kidding. I still am. However, these books were quick reads and very compelling with its wizardy and shenanigans. Too bad they were from England because America's schools would have been much cooler. And J.K. Rowling should have added sex to the books because at age 18 we all know that's what kids are doing anyway, at least the cool/normal ones. Make the book a little bit realistic. I also don't understand why Hollywood deemed it necessary to cut the final book into 2 separate films. I suppose to make more money, but it doesn't make much other sense. Still, I might feel compelled to see this one just to see Harry die. Oops, spoiler.

3. Super 8

You have to excuse me for this one. I know it goes against everything I stand for: being a conservative, an American, cool, and proud. But once upon a time I fell in love with this television program called Lost. It was the most character-driven show I had ever seen and immediately made a connection with all of them. That was in 2005. That show ended in 2010 after 6 seasons. If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day I decided to start watching the show and not do it. J.J. Abrams single-handedly took away 6 years from my life, all while I was yearning to understand the finality of the show. I will never forgive him. He also fucked up by making that shitty attempt of an American Godzilla, called Cloverfield. What a waste of $10.50 that was. But this time he teamed up with Steven Spielberg (E.T., every other fucking good movie from 1983-2008) to make another sci-fi/drama. I want to give this one a chance because of Spielberg's name, but believe me, I won't be surprised if this is one of the worst movies of our generation. Kids making movies and then seeing monsters doesn't exactly spell great, but what am I busy?

2. Cowboys & Aliens

This one's got a nifty concept. An old-school Western with a new age science fiction. Daniel Craig (James Bond), Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones, Han Solo), and Olivia Wilde (The O.C.) star and Jon Favreau directs, thus making this somewhat magical. It's a story about a new guy coming into town to bang his old girl while the new boyfriend watches, or something like that. And then aliens come and they fight together to kill them. Probably the most predictable outcome imaginable, but Favreau typically does good things. (See Iron Man, Pete in Friends). I'm just glad that it's not another fucking remake or sequel because that's all Hollywood seems to come up with nowadays. I read earlier today that Fox is rebooting The Flintstones. Is nothing sacred anymore? What are people going to do next? Remake Billy Madison with Justin Long? I'd kill myself. Let the classics go, man.

If you didn't figure out Number 1 by now, you're an idiot.

1. The Hangover Part II

I am now officially being hypocritical of my last comment. When I saw The Hangover, I marked it as an instant classic. It was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen. Right behind Billy Madison, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Wedding Crashers. Those are the three best comedies to ever have been made, and there's no arguing it. So why did they find it necessary to make a sequel to this movie? From all the trailers I've seen, it looks almost exactly like the first one. And I mean exact. In this case it might not be the worst thing because the first one was very very funny. But I don't want to see the same exact movie again, this time in Thailand. I feel like I'm going to be disappointed. But regardless, I have a penis and I have to see it. It's like a rule or something. And for that reason, this is this summer's top movie to go see.

My top 5 selections were a little too liberal for my liking, but I'm just going with what Hollywood gave me. If I had it my way, I'd be picking more movies like Good Will Hunting and The Color Purple (jk, jk), but I'm just a nobody. And you're just an asshole reading my blog. Now let me clear my throat as I announce, "I am better than you."

You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?

The second most difficult question to answer in the history of the world. The first being what happens after we die. But this. This is almost impossible to answer. If you asked me back in January of 1997, my reply would be Sporty Spice. If you asked again in June of '97 my reply would be Neve Campbell. Yeah, I know, God-awful taste in women in my youth. But I started to pick up steam in December of '97 when I became intrigued with Jennifer Love Hewitt (a celebrity that to this day, I still want to see naked). My point? Our tastes in celebrities change very frequently.

I've had this discussion with friends, roommates, family members. Just kidding...And the answer always changes. Imagine we're back in 1999. Britney Spears has just released 'Baby One More Time'. Is she at the top of your list? She was on mine. But then let's jump to the future. When she cut off all of her hair. Is she still tops on your list? Doubtful. That is why this is a very serious question that mustn't be taken lightly. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. So I thought of a reliable and practical formula to take into account.

The formula goes as follows: is she hot? would you regret it in five years? Bingo, bango, bongo. Simple. Five years is too long on girls. They typically become obese, moody, and crazy within a short time frame. Celebrities are just the same. So in choosing one that you are going to nail, you have to see who has looked good for a long time. Look at Betty White. She's looks fantastic for being a stegosaurus (a made-up animal, remember?). But you get the point, right? Did I drift off-topic? Anyway let's round up my top five in no particular order.

1. Minka Kelly. She has become the apple of my eye. A very terrible actress who is surely getting by on her looks alone. Plus, Derek Jeter gets to own that anytime he wants. Heartbreaking. But I'm pretty sure if she met me, she'd be willing to dump his ass for this Polish Hammer.

2. Selena Gomez. She has all the makings of being wonderful in every way possible. Have you ever seen 'Wizards of Waverly Place'? Easily the best thing Disney has had on their channel since 'Lizzie McGuire'. (Ex. Hillary Duff - as if someone threw a bowling ball at her face)

3. Rachel McAdams. In essence, the best part of 'Wedding Crashers'. She is sexy, brunette, and sexy. I have watched that movie just so I could look at her. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Yes, don't be fuckin' mean guys.

4. Brooklyn Decker. Wah Wah Wee Wah. Playing tennis is for nerds unless your name is Andy Roddick and you are married to the best model ever. She looks stunning in that upcoming shitty Adam Sandler movie, but I'd consider dabbling just to look at her occasionally.

5. Olivia Wilde. One time in my life I was forced to watch the entire series of 'The O.C.'. Season 2 featured a hot lesbian, played by Ms. Wilde. It was easily the best moment in the history of the series, and the reason I sat through 2 hours of that shit movie 'Alpha Dog'.

And my winner is.........................Minka Kelly. I'm in love with her. She looks like the best thing that's ever happened to my eyes, and for that I am thankful. Will I regret this decision in five years? Probably, but it feels right right now.

Feel free to comment on your Number 1 because I need more evidence to support that, "I am better than you."