Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

I Fucking Hate Hipsters

Who decided that it was okay to be a hipster? From the dumb plaid shirts, to the 1970s porn star moustaches, to the skinny girl jeans, to the big fake black-horned rim glasses, finally to cases and cases of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Everything that hipsters do is dumb. Essentially, they are the previous generation's kids who shopped at Hot Topic. Remember what kind of losers shopped at Hot Topic? They sold Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Pink Floyd trucker hats, and coffin backpacks. And these derelicts would go in, buy some spikes as their earrings, hair coloring for their mohawk, and other dumb graphic t-shirts. And they would go to school dressed like fucking idiots and call themselves goths. Then they would get made fun of and explain to the rest of us that they were expressing their individuality and people didn't "understand" them.

Here's what I understand. People don't like you because you suck. You suck big dick. You think you're shopping at Hot Topic to showcase your individuality, but what those idiots failed to realize was that they were actually conforming to the same ideology. Nothing about them was unique. I can see the same thing happening now across the populated parts of the country. Kids showing up to school, claiming they are artsy and how they have such a passion for music and doing liberal things like going to foreign countries and farming for them. Hey dick clowns, find something original to do.

Ever heard of the Peace Corps? You know what they do, right? They go to impoverished countries and utilize the resources in order to make that particular city more viable for the future generations. Going to do some farming work is NOT original, nor does it seem like a lot or any fun. And as far as I'm concerned, we have a lot of farms in America. A whole bunch. Why don't you work on those farms so we can eliminate the pesticides that farmers need to use to make the quota for all the product they have to move? All of our food can become organic and maybe obesity will drop because we won't be eating chemicals. You hipsters are liberals, aren't you? My idea should sound fucking brilliant.

I also never quite understood why it's such a big deal to like things that only you know about. Like the band, Vampire Weekend or some 80s synthesizing band. They've been around for a long time now, but since they've hit the mainstream a bit and "sold-out", they've fallen out of favor with the pussy-boy hipster crowd. I thought people liked things because they actually liked them? Who gives a flying fuck if everyone else likes it too? That should never change your feelings on something if it's completely unwarranted. That's clearly why people don't like hipsters. They've created this image that they are above and beyond everything and everyone else. Go fuck yourselves loser assholes.

And don't get me started with the drug use. As if these dickheads invented marijuana or wild mushrooms. "Let's smoke some pot." No Bill. "Let's do shrooms instead." Dope. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dope? Dope? That word was cool in the 80s. It isn't cool anymore. Stop trying to bring it back. These are also the same virgins that love watching Donnie Darko and trying to unravel all of its deep mysteries. That movie fucking sucks. Jake Gyllenhaal is a terrible fucking actor. Time travel is not real. Neither are talking rabbits named Frank. Stop analyzing that shitty movie and accept it for what it is: Shitty. You fucking pieces of shit are no better than anyone or anything because once again you conformed to society by not conforming. Your taste in things is awful as are your cutoff jorts (jean shorts). Grow up and be yourself for once. I've always been myself because "I am better than you."

Woes Of The Wingman. How Going Out Without One Is Deadly

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Auctioning Off Your Daughter's Virginity, And Other Things That Make You A Shitty Parent

I don't know if you remember the story from a couple of years ago about some college-aged girl who was way short on money. She thought it would be a good idea to put her virginity up for sale on the popular website eBay. Her reasoning was she would be getting the money she needed for college, and the perverted man would be getting his lifelong dream of having sex with a virgin. Well, eBay didn't look at it from her point of view, so they declined her auction. So she established her own personal website and gave it up to the highest bidder. I have several problems with this transaction. 1) I want to see pictures that prove you are a virgin. Can you even do it? 2) Who's to say you won't turn this around on me and scream 'rape'? I wonder how much the winning bid cost...

(22-year-old virgin. Yeah. Okay)

Fast forward to today's world. A 52-year-old mother in Salt Lake City, Utah, started the bidding at $10,000 for her 13-year-old daughter's virginity. First of all, I thought Mormons were to abstain from sex in any capacity. (Oral, vaginal, anal) Not only did she put her up for auction, but she took her to Victoria's Secret and had her display her goodies in bras and thongs to one prospective buyer. So second of all, why would they have a Victoria's Secret in a place where sex is not allowed? She was eventually busted after the mom's boyfriend went through her texts and saw what she was doing. Third, it's okay to distrust the person you are in a relationship because look at what he saved.

(http://www.truecrimereport.com/2011/05/felicia_rae_mcclure_offered_to.php)

If that isn't the worst case of parenting, try this story on for size. A mom in Texas got involved in a catfight with another woman and the bag of meth she was carrying around fell to the ground. Since she is such a good parent, her kids were there watching the fight and ate the meth because they thought it was candy. The police have not released what has happened to the children, but my guess is nothing good. I'm a middle-aged man and I know that using Meth is a pretty bad idea. But to give it to children, albeit indirectly. Jesus Christ. I hope that they are all okay because that would be a shitty, cruel way to die.

I also read another story about a woman who had just given birth. The baby daddy wanted nothing to do with the child, as most dad-beat dads, so the mother put the baby in the microwave. I've come across a lot of stupid people in my career as a human, but I never thought I'd hear something like this. I never understood why new moms killed their children. Placing them in dumpsters, garbage cans, toilet bowls, and now microwaves. If you don't feel like you're up for the challenge of being a parent, give the baby up. Bring it to a foster home. Leave it in front of a hospital. At what point in time does it seem like the right thing to do to kill your baby?

(Japan baby drop-off!)

How about that other recent, prominent story about the lady giving botox to her 8-year-daughter because the little girl thought she had wrinkles? I thought the story was too good to be true because noone is dumb enough to pull off a trick like that. Turns out I was right. The mom made up all the whole story to become famous and shit. But wait. Pictures have surfaced of her injecting her daughter's lips with a syringe. So who's lying now? Did this mom actually put botox into her daughter's face, was this a ploy to become famous, or did she try to cover her tracks only because she lost custody of her kid? I read a funny retort in an otherwise really sick story: Once the girl was taken out of custody from her mom, she couldn't show how sad she really was because of all the botox injections. Zing!

So if you're a loser like me and you still live at home, think about how lucky all of us are to have the parents that we do. None of us were prostituted for some extra money, ate meth because we thought it was candy, were put into microwaves (I shouldn't even joke about it), or were injected with botox. For the most part, we've all had it pretty good. I hated when I got wooden spoons broken over me, but I've always been a piece of shit. It comes with the territory. Just promise me that when you finally become a parent, you'll actually treat your kid with respect and be a proper role model. Not all kids can turn out like me, you know, since "I am better than you."