Teen Pregnancy: Why Wait?

When a man and a woman love each other, they have what is called sex. And from sex, a baby is made. If I can recall correctly, that was what I was taught at around 9 or 10 years old. Probably because I was far advanced for my age and I asked, my mom gave me the courtesy of telling me. So despite the fact that I didn't actually SEE what sex was until I was about 13, I knew the result of it was a baby. Then I learned about condoms and all that other fun stuff. So let's shoot around 13 or 14 for when I knew what sex was and how it could be prevented. Maybe I was a late bloomer, sue me. But what I knew then seems to be a lot more than what teenagers know now. Teen pregnancy seems to be the cool thing to do now. I'm glad I'm not a teen.

I think we can start by placing the blame on Lifetime. Sometime last year they had an original movie premiere titled "The Pregnancy Pact." This movie told the story about a group of friends in some New Hampshire high school or some other liberal New England state, and the pact they made with one another to get pregnant. Ok, so high school wasn't the best 4 years I had of my life. I spent a lot of Friday nights twiddling my thumbs and twiddling other body parts. But never was I so bored that I decided to make a pact with my friends to get pregnant. It's also something I couldn't do because I'm not a sea horse. I can't make babies. I also probably couldn't have sex, but that's besides the point. A pact to get pregnant? Really? How shitty is life over there?

(Nice tagline)

Not to miss out on jumping on the bandwagon, MTV followed it up with a television program called, "Teen Mom" and now "Teen Mom 2". Since MTV only shows good, educational programming (see Jersey Shore and The Real World) they have taken a regional trend and made it a national phenomenon. What this excuse for a show does is encourage girls to get pregnant so that there's a possibility of getting onto t.v. Thankfully MTV pays the girls who are featured on the show, but they still provide the entertainment that's leading to tens of thousands of stupid girls getting pregnant. Good grief!

(Disgusting effects of being pregnant and fat)

The biggest problem I seem to have with it, is how? How are these girls getting pregnant, if it isn't voluntary? I understand that sometimes condoms break. I understand that sometimes condoms don't feel as good. Heck, I even understand if people are allergic to latex. But I also understand that birth control is relatively easy to get a hold of. Even if girls don't want to tell their moms or dads that they are sexually active, they can still make up the excuse that they want to regulate their periods, can't they? Maybe I really don't understand because I'm a boy, but I doubt it seriously.

(It's that easy)

Girls always seem to complain that taking birth control puts on excess weight. Maybe a little bit more love in the love handles or even a little bit bigger titties. I don't see that being a problem with me, so why should it be a problem for them. And really? A little excess weight? Surely you have to be kidding me? Do you know what happens when you get pregnant? You put on an upwards of 25-30 punds. And then after you eject the child out of you, some of that excess weight lingers. Forever. So yes, a little bit of excess weight now instead of a lifetime of weight that you are unable to get off. Don't worry lots of guys find stretch marks attractive.

(Doutzen Kroes, Victoria's Secret model two months after giving birth)

(Image source - infdaily)

I don't want to hear about supermodels and actresses or other famous people that lose the weight in like 20 days after giving birth. They aren't real humans. They must do massive amounts of coke or exercise 20 hours a day until all the fat is gone. So girls, don't let them lead by example because all that'll do for you is leave you depressed and disgusting. Take the extra 7 seconds before bang city putting on a condom to ensure you don't get preggers. Take that little pill to prevent baby Jesus from being created inside of you. Because being pregnant as a teen is probably the last thing you should be worrying about. It's the zits and not getting into college you should be worried about. Worried about people like me who are prettier and smarter but most importantly say, "I am better than you."

Angelina Jolie Went To Libya. I Hope She Doesn't Come Back

Today I read one of my favorite celebrity gossip sites/blogs much like I do everyday. In this case it was wwtdd.com. One of the featured stories listed today was about Angelina Jolie and how she went to Libya to be some sort of heroine. She talked to a bunch of the rebels or protestors or whatever and helped escort them to their native lands. She also helped arrange ambulances to take those who were hurt to hospitals. Bravo, Angelina. Bravo. You went to a foreign country in order to help those who needed it. Your goal was to educate the masses of the terrors of being in Libya right now. You are such a delight.

(Photo from Reuters)

I'm sick and tired of hearing about this liberal whore going around the world and essentially "saving it". You aren't saving shit, Angelina. All you are doing is being a lame ass "ambassador" for the United States and going to places that we just bombed. Job well done. But what were you really doing there, Angie? Attempting to adopt another child to add to your miserable collection? It's pieces of shit like you who think you are standing up for something right, when in fact you are just looking for the publicity. I don't know you personally so I can't say for sure. But what reason do you really have for going to Libya?

Just about as much of a reason as the U.S. did. The doofus in the White House finds it necessary to be a policeman of the world, much like his predecessor W did. And look where that left us. Our debt is in the trillions and our currency is becoming more and more devalued by the day. Unfortunately due to the travesty in Japan, who backs the dollar, we are looking at more inflation. And it's really sad because just as we should be doing all that we can to help in Japan, we have people in power who think we should be bombing Libya, invading Iraq, and setting up camp in Afghanistan.

And this all goes back to Angelina Jolie. She is the face of what is currently wrong with our country. Instead of doing what is right and helping to get us out of this recession, she's going to other places in the world that also "need help." Well of course they need help. Not everywhere can be America. Heliocentric? No. Patriotic. But what that whore needs to realize is that America isn't in the best shape right now either. Look at our economy. Look at the unemployment rate. What's wrong with our children, Angelina? Do you know how many kids are in foster homes in the United States? Why can't you adopt any of them?

I'm sure foster homes in the U.S. are in much better condition than, say, those in Guatemala. But that doesn't mean she should find it necessary to adopt a kid from there. There's more to being in a foster home than the condition it's in. The kids need parental figures who will treat them with respect. How many kids do you think get adopted here that get abused either physically or sexually by their foster parents? I bet it's a decent amount. Let's take care of our own before we try to go and save everyone else. That's what got us into the financial turmoil in the first place.

I'm not much into politics, but I do love this country. And maybe some of my facts aren't straight but that doesn't take away from what I feel. Our country is mired in such a cesspool of shit that I personally think we need to get squared away before we can try to save everyone else. It's impossible. So these dumbass celebrities like Jolie, Madonna, and Sean Penn should be working their tails off to get some shit done here. In the United States. The home of the free and the brave. Not going to Libya because we're the reason they are in danger right now. Let's mind our own business and fix our country once and for all. You should agree with me because "I am better than you."

My Final Posting

Well fellow blog readers, I have some terrible news. This post will indeed be my last posting. I started this blog in the beginning of January and made it to April. 56 posts later and here we are. Nothing has changed, nothing is different. I used this blog as a forum to help get over a relationship that was very meaningful to me. One that absorbed nearly 3 years of my life and it ended. Just like that. I was also having some trouble with my living situation and being unemployed got to me physically and mentally. You start to doubt yourself and things that you are capable of and fall into this depression. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't need that to happen, so I took to blogging.

What this did was allow me to write in a forum where I could say anything I wanted. There are no restrictions, no limitations. From my very first post about horrorscopes and how fucking stupid I think they are, to my very last post about the 2011 baseball season. I covered many topics and ranted about things I believe in, don't believe in, and everything in between. The support I have garnered from all of you who had read was truly remarkable and I couldn't be more appreciative. You truly inspired me to keep writing even if you didn't agree with a lot of what I was saying. Here's to you.

Since I don't want to end on an unhappy note I thought I would spend this last posting talking about some of my favorite posts and topics in general. Just most recently, the one-named celebrities was one of my favorites. I think I gave a good account of some of the most popular ones and added some hilarious commentary about why I liked or didn't like them. Plus the pictures were pretty sweet. Sting without a shirt. Prince in the fetal position. Superb. The Disney princesses was also pretty swell. We all thought about "doing them" so why not write about it. Instant classic.

Describing the existence of aliens took me from 6 to midnight. I love watching The X-Files because I'm a huge nerd and that show revolves around paranormal activity and extraterrestrial life. So trying to prove my point in showing how they were real was a personal fave. And how disgusting are people in our country? The post about Skype sex being dangerous gets hits left and right. People in our country are genuinely concerned about whether or not it is safe to do. Of course it is you fucking idiots. What could possibly go wrong besides someone walking in on you? As if they don't touch their private parts. But geez Louise, stop being so God-damned perverted.

It was also really hard for me to open up the way that I did about my relationship. All my friends knew how I was feeling and members of my family saw what I was going through. But to put it in a public forum for the world to see showed a lot of growth on my part and what I think was some of my best writing because it was so emotionally charged. The best is that it was a steady stream of writing. No pauses to collect my thoughts. It just came all naturally. That's why I think that may have been the best post in terms of quality and emotional appeal. Thanks to you February 17.

In closing, I'd like to reiterate my thanks to all of you who read the blog on a consistent basis. I got my inspiration from my former roommate who is doing some really great things in Ethiopia right now and blogging about it. If you don't know what the web address is I will provide it to you right now: waidsworld.wordpress.com. It seriously puts my blog to shame because the quality is so much better and he's a genuinely good, nice person. Again thank you all for the continued support and I hope that we can speak again soon. Until then...

APRIL FOOLS!!

You fucking morons! Did you actually think I was going to stop writing? I haven't even begun to emphasize the thousands of ways "I am better than you."

Jennifer Aniston Needs To Shut The Fuck Up

I know this is a little bit old, but it's been jarring my ass. Jennifer Aniston is an ungrateful wench and she should be excluded from anything Hollywood related from now until the end of time. I believe it was last week that the old has-been was quoted as saying that she thought the "Rachel" (her hairdo from the show 'Friends') was ugly and made her look stupid. Not only did that ugly, stupid hairdo make her a national icon for the remainder of the show's history, but it vaulted her into superstardom. Her response is that it was ugly. Good one Jennifer. Now go fall off a cliff because you aren't doing anyone any good anymore.

I can't believe that people in Hollywood continue to cast her in movies. Every movie she's in bombs at the box office. Nobody cares about her. She's not even that attractive. Maybe in 1995 she was, but 2011 Jennifer is disgusting. Old, mangled and dried up looking face. No wonder she can't seem to keep anyone around. I know John Mayer isn't the best-looking person in the world, but he certainly soils girls' panties around these here United States. Why? Because he's a lyrical genius and puts a lot of raw emotion into his songs. Something Jennifer can't seem to do with the characters she plays in movies.

Her latest fiasco opens today/tomorrow depending on when you're reading this. It's called, "Just Go With It". And this movie stars another washed-up has-been in Adam Sandler. At one point in time, this guy was my favorite actor in Hollywood. "Billy Madison" is one of the greatest comedies ever written. And don't forget about "Happy Gilmore". Another gem. But holy shit, his movies started to go downhill with that travesty of a film "Little Nicky". Nothing has been anywhere near good since then. So he's attempting to make another run at Box Office Gold with this delightful romantic-comedy that opens on Valentine's Day Weekend. Great idea Adam.

Like I wrote in my previous post, "You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?" Brooklyn Decker is a part of this film. And the people marketing and advertising this movie are doing a great thing by showing some promos of her in a tight, yellow bathing suit. Because now I'm considering going to see this shitpile of a movie, just so I can stare at her. Creepy? Sure. But what do you want from me? (Brandon) Any movie that focuses primarily on a skinny, blonde-haired chick has got my attention. And that says alot because I still haven't forgotten about that skank Jennifer Aniston and her partner in crime, Mr. Hanukkah.

So, the moral of the story is you shouldn't complain about how great you have it now because you think you're above everyone else. And how being an ungrateful bitch will only leave you with loneliness. That's why John Mayer and Brad Pitt left her ass. Now what does she have? Besides a shitty movie that she probably got paid $10 million for. The answer is nothing. Material things only get you so far Jennifer and soon, someday soon, you will realize that and regret it. As for me, I decided I won't see the film. Sorry Brooklyn, but seeing that moose look-alike is too much for me just because "I am better than you."

You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?

The second most difficult question to answer in the history of the world. The first being what happens after we die. But this. This is almost impossible to answer. If you asked me back in January of 1997, my reply would be Sporty Spice. If you asked again in June of '97 my reply would be Neve Campbell. Yeah, I know, God-awful taste in women in my youth. But I started to pick up steam in December of '97 when I became intrigued with Jennifer Love Hewitt (a celebrity that to this day, I still want to see naked). My point? Our tastes in celebrities change very frequently.

I've had this discussion with friends, roommates, family members. Just kidding...And the answer always changes. Imagine we're back in 1999. Britney Spears has just released 'Baby One More Time'. Is she at the top of your list? She was on mine. But then let's jump to the future. When she cut off all of her hair. Is she still tops on your list? Doubtful. That is why this is a very serious question that mustn't be taken lightly. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. So I thought of a reliable and practical formula to take into account.

The formula goes as follows: is she hot? would you regret it in five years? Bingo, bango, bongo. Simple. Five years is too long on girls. They typically become obese, moody, and crazy within a short time frame. Celebrities are just the same. So in choosing one that you are going to nail, you have to see who has looked good for a long time. Look at Betty White. She's looks fantastic for being a stegosaurus (a made-up animal, remember?). But you get the point, right? Did I drift off-topic? Anyway let's round up my top five in no particular order.

1. Minka Kelly. She has become the apple of my eye. A very terrible actress who is surely getting by on her looks alone. Plus, Derek Jeter gets to own that anytime he wants. Heartbreaking. But I'm pretty sure if she met me, she'd be willing to dump his ass for this Polish Hammer.

2. Selena Gomez. She has all the makings of being wonderful in every way possible. Have you ever seen 'Wizards of Waverly Place'? Easily the best thing Disney has had on their channel since 'Lizzie McGuire'. (Ex. Hillary Duff - as if someone threw a bowling ball at her face)

3. Rachel McAdams. In essence, the best part of 'Wedding Crashers'. She is sexy, brunette, and sexy. I have watched that movie just so I could look at her. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Yes, don't be fuckin' mean guys.

4. Brooklyn Decker. Wah Wah Wee Wah. Playing tennis is for nerds unless your name is Andy Roddick and you are married to the best model ever. She looks stunning in that upcoming shitty Adam Sandler movie, but I'd consider dabbling just to look at her occasionally.

5. Olivia Wilde. One time in my life I was forced to watch the entire series of 'The O.C.'. Season 2 featured a hot lesbian, played by Ms. Wilde. It was easily the best moment in the history of the series, and the reason I sat through 2 hours of that shit movie 'Alpha Dog'.

And my winner is.........................Minka Kelly. I'm in love with her. She looks like the best thing that's ever happened to my eyes, and for that I am thankful. Will I regret this decision in five years? Probably, but it feels right right now.

Feel free to comment on your Number 1 because I need more evidence to support that, "I am better than you."

There's A Lot Of Snow In New Jersey And Charlie Sheen's Nose. I'm Also Running A Half-Marathon!

A follow up to a blog I posted a little while back about Charlie Sheen. Well it seems that last night he bought a suitcase full of coke and proceeded to snort about a brick of it. His body then went into some sort of crazy shock and now he's in the hospital for a probable overdose. And you thought I was kidding when I said that he was a maverick. This man clearly does not want to be alive anymore because all he's doing is blowing lines and fucking prostitutes/porn stars. Like a stud. A life that surely went awry somewhere.

Because he must be near shitting the bed, all of his close family was there with him at the hospital today, reportedly. Even Denise Richards, his sexy ass ex-wife came to see him. Why? I don't know but that's gotta be some serious ass shit. This should be a lesson to anyone who plans on becoming famous. Be careful with your cocaine use because it'll make you extremely fun and the life of the party. And that's a negative? But enough about that guy already. Let's talk about a different kind of snow. Like the one that falls from the sky every winter.

The shithole state of New Jersey is now experiencing the most snowfall in a month on record. We got something like 4 feet in just January alone! I can't fucking stand it. I go outside once a week, twice at most. And all I see is brown-colored snow everywhere. There is legitimately nowhere to put it anymore. Did I mention how ugly it is? Snow used to be cool when you were a kid because you get to play in it and build forts and pee in it. But now as an adult, it brings nothing but grief. Watching my mom shovel out her car today for an hour and a half was disheartening.

All the snow brings is muscle pain and fatigue. Shoveling and shoveling and more shoveling. I felt so bad for her, but what was I supposed to do? Well I'll tell you what I did. I lay under my comfy ass comforter and drank some hot chocolate. It was very warm and inviting. When my mom came back in, I asked her to prepare me something for lunch. I guess the more I talk about it, the more I like what the snow brings. In fact, I hope it snows for the remainder of the season. That way I can continue to pamper myself and reap the rewards of others.

Anywho. I was productive a little bit today, however. My sister signed us up for a half-marathon in May. It's going to be the first time I run somewhat seriously in five years. Five fucking years. And what should make all of you sick and jealous is that I'm still in elite shape. I'm probably even faster than a cheetah. I wouldn't bet against me. Training starts in March since I can't run in all this snow. Perhaps my mom can shovel my block's entire sidewalk. That would be beneficial. Regardless, if anyone is interested, and I know that noone is, I expect some signs that cheer me on at the finish line. Something like "You're fast as fuck", "Beat that cripple!", or "You ARE better than me". Because you can't write, "I am better than you."

Golden Globes Should Only Refer To Tits, Not Dumbass Awards Shows

Unless you live under a rock, or you're like me and don't give a shit, the Golden Globes took place last night from Los Angeles or something. But obviously some people care because it got 17 million viewers last night. Strange really. I could never understand why people took the time to watch this kind of stuff, but I suppose you could ask that about anything that somebody does. But an awards show? Really? The whole concept seems so boring and you end up watching people that are skinnier and better looking than you for 4 or 5 hours. Because you obviously need to watch the pre-pre show, followed by the pre-show, and then the actual show itself. Don't forget the after-show. L-A-M-E as shit.

If I wanted to look at an old, decrepid, and weathered face I'd spend my time at a retirement home. Joan Rivers and her repugnant daughter Melissa are easily the two most attrocious villains that I could ever draw up. It's almost as if they try to be as ugly and obnoxious as possible. Why can't these television stations find interesting, well-articulated, and good-looking people to do the interviews? Someone like me. Someone who won't pass up the chance to ask cool questions. Like to Mrs. Decker, "How many people did you sleep with before you met Andy Roddick?" Or to Natalie Portman, "Why don't you use protection, idiot?"

There should be more to life than celebrating people who already have it better than us in each and every way. By us, I mean you. They get to have sexy time with whomever they please at any given moment. They eat at all the finest dining establishments. They get paid millions and millions of dollars to play a character. It is the optimal lifestyle. People stalk you and take pictures of your every move. So I want to know what degenerate thought it was a good idea to give these people awards? It isn't enough that you people celebrate them every day? You want to give them more time to be in the limelight? It just doesn't seem to add up.

When I finally get a full-time job and become a somebody, I want to receive statues and shit at least once a year because I will be the best at what I do. I want to hold a goddamn gala celebrating all the wonderful things I did for the year. Because this is how we aggrandize these asshole celebrities every year. One of you should come to my local Wendy's at this time next year with a plaque that says 'Best Custodial Technician' and present it to me. Sounds ridiculous right? Yes, except that I want someone to give me that award. Let's stop giving people awards for doing their extremely well-paying jobs.

And to cap it all off, they party afterwards like they just lost their virginity. When I lose my virginity, I will definitely do like these famous assholes do and crush liquor and drugs. You see all these pictures on celebrity gossip sites and on t.v. and in tabloids and it looks like the greatest party I have ever been to, times 10. And that's only because I don't have any friends nor have I ever been invited to one. But I can tell that this is finally my year. 2011. Time for hope and change. Thanks Obama.

The moral of the story is the only thing good about these damn awards shows are that the women try to dress as slutty and sexy as humanly possible. They wear their Gucci, and Prada, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, and all the guys get to look at them and think what it would be like to be with them. Inside of them. Because people, emotions are the foundation of any healthy relationship. You want to be inside your partner and your partner to be inside of you. Ask Russell Brand about it. The next time somebody says Golden Globes to me, I hope they are referring to breasts because those are the best kinds of globes. If you don't agree, it doesn't matter because "I am better than you."

What If I Told You There Was Nothing Worse Than Hearing About Potential?

Throughout my time conquering life and becoming the greatest human to ever be conceived, I've been told a lot of things about myself. People have told me that I should be a lawyer because I have a tendency to get into arguments with people. Or a doctor because my memory is of an elite status. Or a comedian because sometimes my jokes are of the highest caliber. When realistically, I'm not Jewish, so I can't get into law. I don't have enough money to afford medical school and I probably couldn't handle all the studying. And let's be really honest. I'm not that funny. But what do all these things have in common? I could potentially have done all of them.

Potential is the most overused, overstated word in the entire English vocabulary. Everybody has the potential to do anything they want. And our stupid parents encourage such thinking by saying, "Go ahead hunny, you can be the best model in the whole world!" Your daughter has moles on her face and is about 100 lbs. overweight. She can not and will not be a model. Do not lie to her face and tell her that she is going to be a model. All our dumb parents do is give us false hope that we can do anything we set our mind to.

And these dumb ass celebrities and professional athletes who are supposed to be role models embedding into our brains that if you dream it you can achieve it. Please stop with this mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I'm at an age in my life where I realize my friends and acquaintances can do some things, but not anything. I am an exception to this because I am fully capable of all things. Like making you come back on a daily basis to continue reading this bullshit. But seriously, take a look at yourself and ask if you are doing what you intended to do in your life. Probably not.

The worst part about all of it is the phrase 'what if'. What if I was four inches taller and 50 lbs. heavier? What if Obama wasn't President? What if the Mets finally won the World Series? What if, what if , what if. But I'm not that tall or heavy. Obama is the President. The Mets will never win the World Series again. Stop living your life based on the phrase what if. It doesn't mean anything. Potential and what if go hand-in-hand because they are both bullshit. Stop being such a huge pussy and just do it. (Nike)

What if I asked that pretty girl out? She would have said no because your wearing sneakers from K-Mart and there are boogers on your WWF t-shirt. What if can relate to almost anything and everything. Yet it never seems to change, no matter the context. And stop saying that the glass is half-full. The glass is half-empty. Why the fuck would you ever say my glass is half-full of water or apple juice or some other cool drink. When you have half a tank of gas are you closer to being empty or full? Logic would tell you it's the same distance either way, but we all know it's closer to empty. So cut the crap and see things for what they really are.

I'm not a pessimist. I only see the truth in things. Like my vocabulary and grammar are in the upper echelon. And maybe I'm a little bit cynical because I know what I know better than somebody else can tell me. That's why we always choose to make our own mistakes because we want to see the outcome for ourselves. It's a mistrust of those who we do know and those that we don't. With no expectations, you could never be disappointed. However your expectations for this blog should be high because you and I both know the same thing. "I am better than you."

Gisele Bundchen Has The Face Of A Horse. A Really Ugly Horse

Of all the fantastic models and angels that I get to see from watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show or stealing my mom's catalog that she gets in the mail, one angel in particular has struck me as disgusting. Some of you will know her better as Tom Brady's wife. The others will know her as the former face of Victoria's Secret. The horse in question is none other than Gisele Bundchen. Considering that I have impeccable taste in women, I decided that I will critique Mrs. Brady for the horse that she is.

Before you are outraged by such claims, why don't you google her. Look at her pictures and tell me that she doesn't look like a horse. Call me on the telephone or text me or comment or whatever you do to communicate with someone and tell me she doesn't look like a horse. That way I won't have to speak to you ever again because I know that you have a thing for horses. Aside from the stunning physique she inhibits, her face is a massacre. If I had to rate that massacre I would say it would be more violent than the Boston Massacre or the one with the farmers that I can't remember the name.

She legitimately has zero sex appeal and if she approached me at a bar and I had no idea who it (because she's an animal) was, I would scoff and make her buy me a drink. Because I'm a gentlemen for not neighing. Her face is so long and horrendous that I would consider her on par with Sarah Jessica Parker. Easily the ugliest celebrity in the history of the world. And boy oh boy is that saying a lot. I've never been more appalled by an angel in my whole life. I don't know whose weiner she put in her mouth to get that gig but it must have been the head honcho.

What upsets me most about Gisele is not that she was making $35-40 million a year, modeling or whatever it is that horses do, but the fact that she married Tom Brady. Tom Brady was America's Sweetheart circa 02 when the Patriots made that miraculous run in the playoffs and upended the Rams in the Super Bowl. He could have gotten with anyone and everyone in the A-list celebrity circuit and he settled on Gisele Bundchen all those years later? You've got to be kidding me.

I also don't know what it is with people I associate with either. I seem to be in the minority on my feelings towards this wombat, but that is because nobody has eyes that spot perfection like me. Sometimes I can look at myself in the mirror for hours on end because it truly is a reflection of perfection. God was clearly having a really good day when He created me because I've never seen anything else quite like it. I narrowly missed winning the award for Best Looking Male in 2010 by People Magazine. It's not small wonder that I sometimes see people staring at me as I walk confidently down the street or through the bars of some neighboring cities.

Regardless, if you find Gisele Bundchen attractive you need to get some medication for your affinity towards finding animals attractive, especially that of the horse. Because frankly she's disgusting and I'm glad Alessandra has taken the ball and run with it. Victoria's Secret made the best decision in their company's history when they let that washed-up Mr. Ed leave the runway and start a family with the quarterback of the Patriots. However it would have been in the best interest of Tom to pick a better model to settle down with. Doofus.

So next time you flip through your channels and you come across a Victoria's Secret commercial think of how lucky you are that you don't have to watch that mule flaunt her long, heinous face on the television anymore. Or when you sort through your mom's mail looking for the newest VS catalog and it isn't there, it's because I came and took it first, simply because "I am better than you."

42 Year-Old's Shouldn't Have Children And Neither Should You

Word has come out that star of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski, 42 is preggers with her first child. Helllllloooooooooo. Well what the fuck have you been waiting for? You're 42 and just having your first child right now? And I know there isn't anything wrong with her eggs or vagina or whatever it is women use to get pregnant (I don't know I've never seen one). Because celebrities have a knack for getting the best shit around.

Look at Magic Johnson. That guy's had AIDS or is HIV positive since before some of you were born. Don't tell me that guy doesn't have some super secret high ass potency shit that's keeping him alive. I know he's one of the best basketball players of all-time, but he needs an "assist" from drugs. (Get it because he's like in the top 5 in assists in NBA History. You're supposed to laugh.)

So since celebrities can do some cool ass shit with their money, why couldn't this goofball shoot out a baby earlier in life? I know she was on that shitty ass television program 'Ally McBeal' and that probably setback any penis that was considering going near her hoo-ha, but that was like 14 years ago. Get over it and have a fucking child already. Next thing you know she's gonna pop out a kid with like three heads and six arms. I'm just glad I'm not that kid's daddy.

That reminds me of an argument I had with some college roommates. As we suffered through another shit episode of that "sitcom" 30 Rock, we discussed who we would rather fornicate with. Jane Krakowski or Tina Fey. Since my opinion is the only one that matters I chose Tina Fey. She's funny, smart, an excellent writer (like me), and wears glasses. That's like every guy who has ever watched porn's dream. Believe me. I know.

I think we ended up split as to who was hotter or sexier or whatever. But now, it's clear that Tina Fey is the correct choice. As if there was any doubt about it. Which leads me to the point of this very credible blog posting. Nobody reading this should consider having a child. And no, not because you're only 19-24 years of age. Or however old you perverts are. But because we shouldn't be polluting the Earth with more crap.

Don't you read the newspapers or Iamaliberal.org? Our country is hurting because of this so called "global warming". Yeah global warming. Go talk to Al "Dipshit" Gore about the global warming I am experiencing right now. Two feet of snow on Christmas weekend and another six inches or so today. And this global warming is causing the colder temperatures? What kind of chickenshit bullshit do you people believe?

So aside from being ugly, stupid, ignorant, and gullible you should refrain from having children because in all likelihood, they won't end up anywhere near as good as me. And I have one sole reason for that, because "I am better than you."