Online Dating Sucks And You Shouldn't Do It

Since it's 2015 and people don't live under rocks anymore, chances are if you're a forever alone, like me, you've tried your hand in online dating. There are lots and lots of different online dating sites and apps. There's ones for casual dating, like Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, and Tinder. There's ones for semi-serious dating, like Match, EHarmony, and Zoosk. And lastly, you have the super serious ones, like JDate, Farmers Only, and Grindr. I've tried my hand in almost all of these sites and boy do I have some observations I'd like to share.

First of all, for the casual dating sites, I almost suggest not even bothering trying. Every profile I've ever come across, studied, stalked pictures of, are all the same. Girls will routinely post the following: "looking for my partner in crime" "I loveeeeeeeeee to travel and am looking for someone to travel with me (aka pay for my airfare/hotel/shopping)" "looking for a good reason to finally delete this" "I'm a foodie, and I love to eat" "I have an average body" "Just ask". Now this isn't every profile I've ever come across, but I'd say it's a solid 95%. And I must not forget about "not looking to play games. I want something real" What the fuck does that even mean?

I don't what playing games mean. Are we talking about Connect Four or Trouble? Maybe Monopoly, are those the games you're talking about? I never understood it and at this point, I'm too afraid to even ask. I also don't know why females need someone to commit crimes with them. For how much they worry about what I do for a living and how much money I make, they sure seem intent on sending me to jail. Partner in crime? What, do you want to go rob a bank? Maybe break-in to some houses? Sorry lady. I'm not participating with you. Additionally, average body/curvy also means fat. But I guess if you write that you're fat, skinny, handsome guys like myself will have zero interest in creating conversation or offspring with you.

This leads me to the semi-serious dating sites. I joined EHarmony under the influence of alcohol and my sister's nudging. Let me start by saying it was the worst $180 I ever spent. I don't know what possessed me into thinking spending money on a dating site was a good idea. I could just go to the bar and pick up a hog with a great personality for free. But since I'm a virgin, I hold myself to unrealistic, high standards. I just hope that if someone is reading this and they are on the fence about joining a site like that, don't. I had checked every day, obviously because I paid for it just to see nothing changing. There were girls on there who hadn't been on the site for over 30 days (because they didn't show any further than that). You could send messages to every girl you "match" with and never get a response back. For girls who are incredibly desperate, they sure as shit don't act like it on these sites.

I didn't have much success with Tinder because I didn't send funny puns that led to 5 more texts and then a drop off the face of the Earth. I didn't have pictures of myself with my shirt off in the mirror or pretending to lift heavy weights in the gym. I'm just a normal fucking guy who was casually trying to meet cute females. No luck. Tinder is lame as fuck. And really, Netflix and chill? That shit works? How long does my dick need to be in order to pull that off? Zero one-night stands using the aforementioned dating sites.

So I tried my hand at Grindr. I heard lots of great things about it. People tend to meet a lot of people on there and the hookups seem to be in huge droves. So I log in and all I see is guys. I'm scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. No girls. Just guys. And they all appear to be gay. I know because one of them messaged me asking to suck my weiner. I was flattered, but I'm looking for some bush. Grindr DEFINITELY is not for the straights. JDate is mostly for Jewish people, and Farmers Only is surprisingly only for farmers. So that's some prejudiced bullshit right there.

6 dating websites. 0 successes. I've realized I have to just get setup with someone from work. A friend of a friend. My cousin. Wait for one of my sister's friends to get divorced and they're on the rebound. That's the only real hope I seem to have. It's either that or going to the bar, getting drunk, and hoping that the girls enjoy my calling them Obama or Sotomayor. So far, that's been strike-out city for me. If you happen to know anyone who is desperate, shy, got a big fat booty, likes jigsaw puzzles, and cuddling, be sure to send her to my blog or Twitter. All's I'llend up telling her is "I am better than you."

If You're Fat, You're Disgusting. Don't Be Fat And Disgusting

Let me paint the picture. Sitting in the living room on a Friday night, around 10:15pm. To your right, your mom. In front of you, the television. What's on? Say Yes to the Dress or #SYTTD. Why am I watching this on a Friday night instead of drinking at a bar? Easy. I have no friends or money. But something occurred during this episode that infuriated me. There was a disgustingly obese women crying about how the store didn't have any dresses that fit her or ones that showed too much of her tits. I then made a comment, aloud. "What a fat disgusting slob." My mother's retort was what incensed me. "Not everyone can be a skinny mini." That is categorically untrue.

I used to work in two separate offices that were located higher than the first floor. They both, coincidentally, were on the 5th floor. At this point in time, I stopped working out and gave up on doing any and all physical activities. I ate like shit, I drank a lot, and I smoked cigarettes. But, I walked up the steps to my workplace on the 5th floor every day. It was the least I could do. I bring this up because nothing angered me more than individuals, fat or skinny, that would take that elevator on the 5th level down ONE floor. ONE. Walking down stairs is not nearly as physically daunting as going up stairs. But these lazy pieces of shit couldn't manage to go down ONE floor. This is why America is obese.

Back to why everyone CAN be a skinny mini. I hate the bullshit argument that some people are pre-disposed to a "fat gene" that causes them to be obese. Or that it takes a lot of effort for them to lose weight. I don't buy it. But let's say that it is true, is it okay for us to ridicule them for being lazy then? I love fried chicken. I think it's one of the greatest things in the whole world. But instead of eating a 12pc mixed bucket from Popeyes, maybe I'll eat 3. Instead of drinking a 2 liter bottle of Coke, or obese people's favorite (Diet Coke), drink water. Like 8 cups a day. And have the fat's heard of something called exercise? Anyone can do it.

"But I work 9-5 and when I get home I'm too tired". Well maybe being single, sleeping alone, and weighing 250lbs is a wake up call. "But I can't afford to go to the gym. It's very expensive." The last time I checked, running was free. It's one of the few great exercises that costs literally nothing. You can do it anywhere in the world. You can run in the cold. You can run in the heat. You can't run on ice. I suppose you could, but you're going to have a bad time. Too fat to start off running? Jog. Too fat to jog? Walk. Too fat to walk? Stop eating. It's unbecoming and off-putting to see fat people because it's the one thing they can control.

I can understand if you're ugly. It's really expensive to get plastic surgery. Face wash can be expensive. Proactiv is for adolescent assholes and desperate celebrities. So if you're ugly, well sorry there isn't much hope for you. But being fat? It's 100% preventable, curable, treatable. All you need is a little bit of motivation.  Maybe get a treadmill. Put a picture of Ryan Gosling in front of you like a carrot on a string. Chase him. Chase something. But don't tell me there isn't anything you can do about being fat and obese and disgusting. At my fattest peak, I weighed 190lbs. Not crazy big, but I weighed 155lbs for roughly 7 years. I stopped eating fast food. I stopped drinking soda. I started by running 1 mile a day 5 days a week. Added a 1/2 mile every week until I got to 8 miles. I ate mixed nuts instead of potato chips. I ate grilled chicken instead of fried. I ate a salad and fruit instead of starburst and skittles. I'm down to 160lbs. Fuck off, fat.

Now I don't condone shaming fat people to their face. In this day and age of hypersensitivity and political correctness (thanks Obama) to anything and everything and people killing themselves as an escape, I prefer the passive aggressive route. Write a couple of paragraphs about how fat people disgust you. How they make excuses as to why they're fat. How, of all things, being skinny is something ANYONE can achieve. Are some people more inclined to be skinny based on their genetics? Absolutely. But, again, ANYONE can get skinny. Not by getting lapband surgery. Not by getting gastric bypass surgery. Not by drinking 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. By eating right and exercising. Especially because exercise is free. Walking, running, jogging, crunches, squats, push-ups, sit-ups, lunges. All free. So stop being fat and obese and disgusting. Start getting fit and healthy and skinny. ANYONE can be a skinny mini. And don't forget, I am better than you.

Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

100

I finally made it to 100. I can't even say that it's because of all my readers. Because I'm not getting any compensation for this and I still continue to write whether I have 4 people reading it or 400. But don't get me wrong. The more people reading it, the more I enjoy writing it. Today I want to talk about myself (shocking) in a little more detail. Things you may or may not really know about me.

I started writing the blog because of long-term relationship coming to an end. It was a really difficult time in my life because it meant so much to me. So much that I didn't know what to do with myself. So I started writing. The more I could get my mind off of her, the better for me. 99 posts later and now I'm writing for myself. Because I'm better than that.

A bout 41 readers a day is what I average. It started out around 80, 90, even at times hitting 100 in the day. I'm not quite sure if people got tired of reading my rants or if they just wait for the week to finish and read them all at once. Or they just unfriend me on Facebook because I pollute their newsfeed and stop reading altogether. Assholes.

M y first kiss was at the age of 18. 18 years old before I finally made out with a girl. Jesus Christ that was only 5 years ago. I've come a long way since then. I've been to strip clubs, drank absurd amounts of alcohol, drove to Kansas, got a job, and fell in love. I don't know if I could have dreamed of any of those things happening 5 years ago. But look at me. Continuing on the beat and path trying to excel some more at life.

B utts. And legs. Not so much boobs. What are parts of a female that I enjoy looking at? Ding ding ding ding! I was asked a very important question this weekend. "What do you find attractive on girls?" Well, I've got to be attracted to their face. They have to have a nice, big butt. And they most certainly don't have to be big-chested. Because with a big chest comes a big head and then you have girls thinking they are hot as fuck and could do anything they want. Sorry girls. Boobs are only nice sometimes.

E veryone pisses me off. I used to believe that I liked everyone. That I was a social butterfly. That being around people made me happy. But then I found out that I hate just about everyone. People do stupid shit that annoys me and always will. There are probably 20 people in the entire world that I could be around where I don't want to puncture my eyes and eardrums with a spear. Everyone else can suck it.

T here are way too many supporters of Obama. I can't be ignorant enough to say that George W. Bush was a good president. Because the truth of the matter is he was probably the worst thing that ever happened to our country. I'm a true Patriot. I love living here. If I could choose to live anywhere in the world, it would be the USA. But I don't like that our President spends his time on the radio with Ryan Seacrest and deems it necessary to go on SportsCenter filling out his college bracket every year. Do your job, Nobama.

T hings are finally starting to look up for me. It's been a wild 7 months. From the end of a friendship/relationship, to the passing of my grandmother, to the arrival of my best friend from Turkey, to several interviews to real jobs. Any day now I could have a full-time job and make some money to pay off my loans and get the fuck out of New Jersey. With a little bit of wishful thinking, maybe I can finally be happy.

E xtraterrestrials are real. I wrote a whole piece on how I believe in alien life and that if you don't believe in it, you must be some kind of moron. The universe is almost neverending and to think that we are the only living organisms is just plain stupid. I don't know if they've actually made it to Earth, but who's to say really? I just hope they don't take over the world like they did in The X-Files.

R onnie was the name of the first girl I ever had a crush on. Yep. Ronnie. Of course it was a boy's name. But she was a summer camp counselor at the Boys & Girls Club and she was the prettiest girl in the whole wide world. I was such a sweetheart as a kid too that she probably thought I was adorable. Adorable in the same way that her stuffed animals were adorable. But it didn't matter. I got to talk to her often. It must be where I learned to spit game.

T he most fun I ever had may have been in Kansas. The night started off with 7 of us. It eventually narrowed down to 4. There was lots of drinking, people getting shoved into pools with their clothes on, sitting in the back of a truck passing around a handle of Sir Francis Drake and watching the sunrise. It's weird how you can sometimes pinpoint one night as a really terrific fucking night. I could give you a play-by-play 3 years later.

H ave you ever eaten seafood? A question that I have been asked on more than one occassion. The answer is technically yes. I once had a piece of breaded shrimp in exchange for something. Since I'm not a total piece of shit, I'm not going to say what it was, but it was definitely worth it. I don't like the smell of fish, I don't like the texture of it when I feel it with my fingers, and yes I like to eat the same boring shit day after day. Sue me. I'm a boring guy what can I say.

A nybody who tells you "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is not a good movie, is somebody that you can't trust. Not only is it creeping up on my all-time favorite movie list, but it helps me feel better about myself for about 2 hours. There's just something about watching movies or television shows where the main character is moping around feeling sorry for themselves because they got dumped that tickles my pickle. Maybe I can relate.

N ever have I ever lied about something I wrote about. Ok, that's a lie. But mostly everything I write about in my blog are factual things. Things that I have either encountered in real life or thought about while lounging around being unemployed. Sometimes I lie because it makes the story sound a little bit funnier. At least I think it does. For example, I'm not actually a virgin, but you'd have to be a dummy to think that was any part truthful. Or is it?

Y . A. Tittle was a Hall of Fame quarterback for the Giants, Colts, and 49ers. I know a lot of shit about sports, music, movies, television, and all sorts of other trivia. In fact, I would say it's the only thing I consider myself to be great at. Knowing a shit ton of information about things that will never get me laid or employed. But at least I'm using my brain for something, right?

O nce I feel asleep while driving. I was in the middle lane of a major highway and I woke up in the left lane about 3 feet from the divider. That was probably the scariest moment of my entire life. Going about 55 mph on the highway, only to fall asleep and wake back up right before I would have crushed it. The windows were opened, my face was smacked, and then I made it home. Scary, scary shit.

U nion Station was the last place I was happy. The last two occassions I have been there have been for positive reasons. The first time I said goodbye, I thought it was only a temporary one. Things would have been a lot different for me had I known that would be the last time I'd see you. But no use dwelling on the past and things I can't control. I hope you are reading this. The other time was just this weekend. Seeing all of my friends at the same time and just being genuinely happy. But I know I'll see them again and I can only hope that it will be soon.

Did you learn anything new about me? Did you even care? I appreciate those of you who come everyday to read what I have to say. I even respect those of you who come once a week and catch up on everything. This is my 100th post and I'm happy to strive for another 100. Help make this blog the 167,785th most popular blog on Blogspot. Than for sure I will know that "I am better than you."

No If's, And's, Or But's About It. I'm Not A Racist!

I've been thinking about this for a long time now. Skin color. It's just weird to me. If I were to believe in a higher power, one that created each person in His own image and likeness, why choose so many different colors? Why not make things generic and give everybody the same color? It probably would have prevented the Civil War because slavery wouldn't exist. It would have prevented the Boston Massacre. It would stop the shit that's going on at the Gaza Strip, er, maybe that's about religion. But you almost get the point, right? What's so compelling about race? Nothing that should cause worldwide problems.

My sister is moving into a new apartment a couple of blocks over from her current apartment. Since I'm such a genuine human being, I decided that I would help her move. (Also because she got me dinner and lunch the next day) I have to admit it was a pain in the ass. Carrying boxes of shit that wasn't mine, up and down stairs with my feeble arms. Not my idea of a good time. But I would have to say the part of the day that pissed me off most was an interaction that I saw occur between a Hispanic and Black male. They were apparently friends and the black male got to where the hispanic male was in a reasonably quick time. I know this because the hispanic male said, "Damn nigga. How you get here so fast? Runnin' from the po-po?"

When did it become acceptable for someone of Hispanic race to use a derogatory name for the black race casually in conversation? Stupid hillybilly inbreds called blacks niggers from the days of slavery. It was a derogatory word meant to put down the people they "owned." I don't understand how Hispanics began using it and it becoming acceptable. Hell, I don't like it when blacks call other blacks nigger because it's a word with such powerful, negative connotations. I guess I could never really understand because I'm white, but isn't that a part of history you should try to forget? And I mean that in a vocabulary kind of way, not a historical one.

I hate that people portray America as the only country that has racist inhabitants. As far as I know, people of Spain and Portugal hate Asians. Asians hate blacks. Jews hate Muslims. Muslims hate Jews. And that doesn't even have to do with race. People around the world just hate other people. There's no stopping or controlling it. For whatever reason, some feel inclined to portray their hate. Look at the KKK, for example. Burning crosses on the front lawns of black families. Killing them because of their skin color. It's hard for me to speak for the rest of the world because everything I know is American. But this mentality can't be right.

Nintendo didn't make matters much better when they released their famous game "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!" The game is a personal favorite of mine. It reminds me of everything that was pure and good when I was a kid. But as I look back at the game now, there are many racist/stereotypical/egocentric idealogies. First of all, the top three fighters in the game, Mr. Sandman, Super Macho Man, and Mike Tyson are all from the U.S. Glass Joe is a French pussy, Von Kaiser is a Nazi, Piston Honda is a lame-o Jap, Don Flamenco is a gay Spaniard, King Hippo is an overweight Pacific Islander, Great Tiger is a Muslim magician/snake charmer, Bald Bull is a bald Turk, and Soda Popinski is a Russian with a drinking problem. Pretty much every stereotype we can have about everyone else in the world. And clearly that we are better in every way. Way to drop the ball, America.

So really what I'm trying to get across is the abolishment of racism, stereotypes and ethnic slurs. To sit back and not have to say to someone, "my black friend, my Asian friend, my Hispanic friend" and change it to "my friend." I think Americans are going after Obama and his birth certificate primarily because of his skin color, not because he's filling out brackets on SportsCenter. We all need to just cool our jets, calm the fuck down, and accept that people from all walks of life have different fucking skin color. Let's stop the hate and appreciate. I'm not a racist, but you knew already knew that because "I am better than you."

'Judgment Day' Is On Saturday. I Hope You Plan On Repenting

The big news story going around the US is the prediction of the end of the world come Saturday. Some asshole preacher/deacon/priest/brother from California has proclaimed that the 'Judgment Day' will occur at around 6 P.M. at which time Jesus will descend from the heavens and begin to take the souls of those who truly deserve it. What most people don't understand is that this isn't called 'Judgment Day'. It's actually called the 'Day of Rapture'. The real 'Judgment Day' is set for October 21, 2011. If Jesus doesn't take your soul this weekend, God is going to impose his will and kill you for being a piece of shit. God (no pun intended) I love Christianity.

Thankfully I have a family that uses their noggins more often than not. I'm the only member of my family that doesn't have any Christian beliefs. But even they aren't lame enough to think of this as the end of the world. According to the Bible, not one person on Earth knows when Jesus plans on descending back here. Not even Jesus himself knows, nor does the Holy Spirit. God is the only one who knows when Jesus is coming back. Now, if you believe in the word of the Bible, you should see that no man or woman can predict Jesus' arrival. So why is there a general feeling of panic setting in? Because people are fucking stupid.

This dickcream, Harold Camping, originally predicted Rapture to occur on September 6, 1994. If you live under a rock, you wouldn't know that this prediction is far from being accurate. Instead he claims his math was wrong and went back to the "lab" to find the real date. Since 17 years have passed, he probably assumed most people forgot about his first wrong prediction. But they haven't. That's why the Internet works so well. You can't hide from it. Now he's got people quitting their jobs and selling all of their possessions in hope that Jesus actually comes to them on Saturday. Boy oh boy May 22 is going to be a shitty day for them.

(Yeah, this guy looks like somebody I trust)

The real problem I have with this prediction is that people have been predicting Rapture over the last 150 or so years. There have been wrong predictions of Jesus' arrival in 2000, 1998, 1994, 1988, 1975, 1941, 1925, 1920, 1918, 1915, 1914, and 1844. As we can all attest, each of these predictions have been wrong. So why would this one be correct? It won't be. So let's stop giving this guy unnecessary publicity by believing in his hype. Who does he think he is? That overrated basketball player LeBron James? People will buy into anything.

If we look to the Bible for our answers, we still haven't seen the plague come to fruition. A.I.D.S. isn't good enough for me because it's 100% preventable. SARS and the swine flu came and went like a one night stand. There are no plagues to strike here yet. And no, Obama being voted into office is not a legitimate gripe. He's black, not the devil. The Four Horsemen haven't come yet either. And not Arn Anderson, Ric Flair, Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard (wrestling reference). There are too many inaccuracies in this prediction, just like every other one.

But if in fact the world was coming to a close, would you want to know? I guess it would give you the time to be with the people you love most and to spend the rest of your days with them. But for me personally, I don't think it's something I would ever want to find out. It falsifies the way you live your life because you're living to die not living to live. So when May 22 rolls around and I still haven't met that fake guy Jesus, I will continue to live my life the way it was intended. Care-free, worry-free and ultimately screaming "I am better than you."

Apple Was Named The World's Most Valuable Brand. Time To Move Out Of Liberal Earth

It's a really good thing I believe in extraterrestrial life because I think it's about time that I get the hell off of this planet. Today it was announced at the "I Could Give Two Shits Less About Liberals" press conference that Apple has become the world's most valuable brand. It surpassed the likes of Google, IBM, McDonald's, and Microsoft. Well, bravo Mr. Steve Jobs. You finally set out and accomplished your lifelong goal of turning conservative America into a haven for pompous liberals. You are, essentially, the living version of "The Brain".

(The similarities are uncanny)

It all started for me way back in high school. iPods became the cool, new trendy gadget to own and if you didn't own an iPod mini, you didn't have any friends. So instead of being my own unique person, I followed the trail set before me and got an iPod mini for Christmas. It was silver and a mighty piece of shit. Not only did the battery last for no longer than 45 minutes, it was only 4 gb. For those of you reading who don't know anything about technology, that's miniscule. It got me about 1,000 songs to listen to. Big whoopty do.

(Great color scheme)

Then I made it to college and my very Jewish and liberal friend owned a MacBook Pro. As if the standard issue Dell or HP wasn't good enough, he went out of his way to purchase a Macbook. Who do you think you are? Better than all your suitemates with your fancy, silver gloss laptop and remote control? As if laying in bed under the covers in 95 degree heat playing Tetris wasn't enough of a reason for us to hate you, you had to do it with an Apple product. The tide was beginning to turn for me on the Apple company in general. But wait, it gets worse.

I don't know if you've heard of it, but something called an iPhone? It's like an iPod, but it can surf the interweb and play music and according to the commercial, blow you. I've personally seen it rob the lives of two people close to me. It's like they put some sort of hypnotizing agent in the screen that prevents you from turning away. Anytime something is mentioned that you don't know it becomes, "Wait, let me look it up." I don't need to know at that exact moment of time because I'll forget about it in about 15 seconds. I also don't want to see your face when we're on the phone. There's a reason I'm talking to you on the PHONE. It's so I can hear your voice.

And last, but not least, my favorite Apple invention. The iPad. Too bad the iPad couldn't be used as a vehicle for girls to put in their underwear to soak up their period goop. Sorry I'm not sorry for being so vile and disgusting. That's how I feel about the product. It's a large iPhone that doesn't make phone calls. It's a flat MacBook that doesn't have a keyboard. What purpose does the iPad serve besides making you look like a pompous asshole? I know you don't have a reason. So why buy it? Sotomayor.

I guess I'm just tired of seeing Apple included in everything pertaining to the world. And I guess the writers of South Park feel the same because they mocked the Apple culture in their latest season premiere. I'm also upset that conservative America is becoming overrun by a bunch of hippie, tree-hugging liberal assholes. Apple is probably the biggest supporter of Obama and unless you want to see that guy in office again for 4 years, keep buying Apple products. I've officially quit because "I am better than you."