Glasses: A Girl's Best Friend After She Becomes A Consenting Adult

When I was in the third grade, I began having problems with my eyes. I was doing a lot of squinting at the blackboard, even though it's green, and a lot of squinting at the television when I was at home. This resulted in my first appointment at the eye doctor and the eventual prescription of glasses. A new nickname had been born. Four eyes. Yep, even the greatest of them all have been ridiculed at some point in time in their life. Luckily for me, I have not been made fun of once since that disgraceful time period. Indubitably since circa 97, glasses have become much more than a tool to make fun of someone. They have become a sex symbol.

I don't like reading books. Since my inception in 1988, I have read a grand total of approximately 30 books. That might be a generous number, or I might have low-balled it a little bit. Either way, reading is not for me. So fortunately I have you readers to thank because without you, these would just be words on a page. But I digress. Have you ever watched a porno movie? Maybe a clip on a popular pornographic website? I know all the males reading this have. And probably some of the perverted girls too. I know girls like porn. All guys know it. And nothing is as great as looking at a sexy librarian.

What makes the librarian sexy, you ask? Is it her short skirt and long hair? Is it her size 36 DD breasts? Or is it the fact that she is wearing glasses? The answer shouldn't surprise you because I know for a fact that it's her glasses. Girls who wear glasses that are above the age of 18 generate a level of sexiness that can only be found in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Glasses provide the female figure with a sense of innocence and naivety. Sure, she might be cute without them, but those glasses put her in another level. Truer words have never been spoken.

When I was in college I met a lot of great girls who were smart and liked to party. Conveniently, most of them had shitty eyesight. Which means I had the privilege of creepily staring at them while they "studied" with their glasses on. And I would bet my lifesavings of $150.43 that they were harassed in grammar school. Now those same assholes who picked on them and mutilated their self-esteem are regretting it now big time. All of a sudden these girls who were so vile and repugnant and looked like Harriet the Spy, are getting hit on at an exponential rate. They seemingly went from a 4 to a solid 8 and 1/2. I fell in love with all of them at some point in time because they all looked so ferocious and delightful. So now you girls know.

What makes a slutty doctor look good? What about a slutty librarian? Or even a slutty teacher? There's a theme that I'm trying to get you to pick up on. Did you get it? Glasses, you silly fucks. They all look remarkable in glasses. If you are in the luxury of your own home/apartment/cubicle go ahead and google "girls with glasses" and mystify yourself with the results. Every chick looks great in glasses. Remember one of my first posts about Jane Krakowski and Tina Fey? Why do people find her attractive (Fey)? Her humor or her glasses? Checkmate. So in the near future when you have boys as children, remind them not to tease girls with glasses because they will turn out to look hot as shit. I did but, "I am better than you."

P.S. See what I mean

***Photo courtesy of http://xaxor.com/images/9856325

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What Does It Take To Get Into The Softcore Porn Industry?

I thought long and hard about this question after reading up on Camille Grammer, the ex-wife of comedian?/actor Kelsey Grammer. She was once a starlet of the softcore porn game and I was always fascinated by it since my youth. Those were the days when Cinemax After Hours was the thing to watch. But with the interweb getting extremely fast in the past couple of years and porn sites growing at an exponential rate, I worry that softcore porn is losing its luster. That's why I have the all important question of "How do I get involved in the softcore porn business?"

I would imagine that I would need to think of a new name. One that gives me character, but doesn't reveal too much about me. Something like, Papa Dong (Papa John's). This way my fanbase will know how I view myself, a papa or father or overall authoritative figure, and Dong because I have one. I'm also not quite sure if softcore porn stars even use names. I guess they don't really need them because they don't do much for the 30 minute short film. But since this is something I'm very interested in doing, I will give myself a name to show my commitment.

One of the main attractions of softcore porn is the lack of acting talent needed. In a genuine hardcore pornography film, the actors have to recite lines, regardless of the fact that they usually go like, "Fuck me because I'm naughty." Or even, "I have a very big weiner." You don't see a lot of lines being issued in softcore movies. They usually just show the two of them in a bedroom whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears. And then all of a sudden they are disrobing. Something I have much experience doing.

My favorite part of the softcore genre is the simulation of sex they perform. He makes faces like he is lifting the heaviest weight in the world. She sighs like she's suffering from an asthma attack. And the very best part is they aren't even doing anything! In a perfect world, this is how sex would go all the time. You wouldn't have to worry about erectile dysfunction (getting it up), finishing early (nice guys finish last), and most importantly she is instantly satisfied (doesn't happen in real life). The more I talk about it, the more this needs to happen.

Do you go on auditions? Do you need to be muscular? I only have a problem with one of these questions. I don't want to have to meet some strangers to be cast into a short film. Because I'm obviously muscular enough to take part in such activities. In short, this is easily one of the best ideas I have ever had, frankly because I would excel at it. If anybody knows how to get into the industry I would be eternally grateful. And if anybody has any suggestions on names I could go with, if you don't like Papa Dong, that would also be appreciated. I just have to make sure I don't tell my co-star that, "I am better than you."

There's A Lot Of Snow In New Jersey And Charlie Sheen's Nose. I'm Also Running A Half-Marathon!

A follow up to a blog I posted a little while back about Charlie Sheen. Well it seems that last night he bought a suitcase full of coke and proceeded to snort about a brick of it. His body then went into some sort of crazy shock and now he's in the hospital for a probable overdose. And you thought I was kidding when I said that he was a maverick. This man clearly does not want to be alive anymore because all he's doing is blowing lines and fucking prostitutes/porn stars. Like a stud. A life that surely went awry somewhere.

Because he must be near shitting the bed, all of his close family was there with him at the hospital today, reportedly. Even Denise Richards, his sexy ass ex-wife came to see him. Why? I don't know but that's gotta be some serious ass shit. This should be a lesson to anyone who plans on becoming famous. Be careful with your cocaine use because it'll make you extremely fun and the life of the party. And that's a negative? But enough about that guy already. Let's talk about a different kind of snow. Like the one that falls from the sky every winter.

The shithole state of New Jersey is now experiencing the most snowfall in a month on record. We got something like 4 feet in just January alone! I can't fucking stand it. I go outside once a week, twice at most. And all I see is brown-colored snow everywhere. There is legitimately nowhere to put it anymore. Did I mention how ugly it is? Snow used to be cool when you were a kid because you get to play in it and build forts and pee in it. But now as an adult, it brings nothing but grief. Watching my mom shovel out her car today for an hour and a half was disheartening.

All the snow brings is muscle pain and fatigue. Shoveling and shoveling and more shoveling. I felt so bad for her, but what was I supposed to do? Well I'll tell you what I did. I lay under my comfy ass comforter and drank some hot chocolate. It was very warm and inviting. When my mom came back in, I asked her to prepare me something for lunch. I guess the more I talk about it, the more I like what the snow brings. In fact, I hope it snows for the remainder of the season. That way I can continue to pamper myself and reap the rewards of others.

Anywho. I was productive a little bit today, however. My sister signed us up for a half-marathon in May. It's going to be the first time I run somewhat seriously in five years. Five fucking years. And what should make all of you sick and jealous is that I'm still in elite shape. I'm probably even faster than a cheetah. I wouldn't bet against me. Training starts in March since I can't run in all this snow. Perhaps my mom can shovel my block's entire sidewalk. That would be beneficial. Regardless, if anyone is interested, and I know that noone is, I expect some signs that cheer me on at the finish line. Something like "You're fast as fuck", "Beat that cripple!", or "You ARE better than me". Because you can't write, "I am better than you."

Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick And Nicolas Cage Is The Shittiest Actor Ever

Every once in a while someone comes along that redefines life as we know it. A maverick, a maven. Somebody you would consider calling Primetime. I had the privilege of appointing all of these nicknames to myself over the course of my life. But another man deserves some credit too. If you don't know who I'm talking about then just read the title dummy. Charlie Sheen has crossed boundaries that put him in the legendary record books. No one will do the things Charlie Sheen does and be considered cool for the next 20 years. Let us embrace him.

After doing a shit-ton of movies that nobody saw because they were pretty fucking awful, Charlie disappeared into the abyss for a couple of years. He returned in 2002 or so with the not-so-funny sitcom "Two and a Half Men." Every episode of that show has been the same since it premiered all those years ago. But this here is a celebration of a class act and genuinely nice guy.

Last year he entered rehab for a sex addiction and probably a drug addiction too. Then a couple of months ago he threatened a porn star while high on coke and locked her in the bathroom. And just this past weekend he had an orgy with 3 more pornstars. If this guy does any cooler shit, he might be allowed to be spoken in the same sentence as me. Oh shit. Regardless, Charlie Sheen is getting by on his knack for coke and having sex with whores. The ideal life.

Which leads me to his polar opposite. Nicolas Cage. He can be identified as the worst actor of all-time. If you don't believe me watch Ghost Rider for 4 minutes. And what's most sad about that last statement is that Ghost rider isn't even the worst movie he's done in the past 5 years. Have you ever heard of "Knowing"? Or what about "The Wicker Man"? If you ever have some free time, take a look at his IMDB page and let me know what you think about this clowndick. Whereas Charlie Sheen gets away with shitty acting by fornicating with lots of women and doing cool drugs, Nic Cage does not get away with it because he's stupid.

Name one good movie of Nicolas Cage's that you've seen in the past 10 years. I bet you can't do it. Because in all honesty he has never done a good film. Not one. Not ever. 'Con Air' was lame as shit. 'Gone In 60 Seconds' was a remake and it was still shit. 'The Rock' was a wrestler in the late 90s. No good has ever come from anything Nic Cage has been associated with. 'Face-Off'? Holy fucking shit I almost had a seizure after watching that whack production. I will never watch another Nic Cage movie ever again.

So when our children have conversations when we get older, or should I say my children because none of you will get married or have kids because you are too ugly and stupid, they will ask me "Daddy, who did you like as an actor when you were a little shit?" (and he'll curse too because I won't raise a pussy). I'll tell little whatever his name is, "I liked Charlie Sheen because he got to fuck a lot of people when he was in his prime. But I didn't like Nicolas Cage because 'The Wicker Man' was the worst spent 2 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for your birth." And then we'll take a shot of pomegranate Burnett's and sing a song that goes something like this, "I am better than you."