How To Score On The First Date. And I Don't Mean A Basketball.

When I scour the interweb for all of my tidbits of information, I molest StumbleUpon. For those living in the Stone Age, it's an add-on for your web browser that allows you the ability to input all of your interests into a filter that searches the world wide web to match them. There's a list of probably 200 different things you can choose. So I picked whatever matched my lifestyle and read up on things that interest me. Well, I stumbled upon a website that talked about how to ensure getting laid on the first date. I think the article was written by a virgin because everything he said was inaccurate. I hold the keys to the ignition of how to get laid on a first date.

It all starts with your clothing. Girls love guys that know how to dress themselves. She won't want to filate you if all of your clothes are from Wal-Mart, Kmart, or Kohl's. She wants to see you wearing jeans that cost $148. She wants to see dress shirts that were made in the Philippines. And most importantly, she wants to see your shoes. Believe it or not, it's a real deal-breaker as to what kind of shoes you are wearing. They should probably be new, like Nike or Nike because if you wear anything else you're an idiot. And they should also match your outfit, kind of.

Now that you are going to impress her with your fashion sense, you can fuck around. Most first dates occur at fancy shmancy restaurants. Don't. Take her ass to McDonald's. Or Wendy's. Or a really shitty pizza place. They say your first meal should be hands free, but people who believe that also believe in global warming. Why are you going to risk spending a great deal of money on a girl who might not even put out? By going to a low-end, white trash establishment, you can gauge her interest and see whether or not she's a cool gal. I want to be with a girl who can wolf down a Big Mac. Not a girl that eats a salad and buttered bread for her meal. That's what would happen at that ritsy, expensive restaurant.

But we have one problem with going to McDonald's or Wendy's. They don't serve alcohol. If I ever win the lottery, or end up successful, I am going to make a personal pledge to both restaurants to include alcohol on their menu. I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy my date if I'm washing down my meal with a Root Beer? The secret ingredient to getting laid on a first date is about to be unveiled. Ready?......................Wine. Wine always leads to sex on a first date. There is some sort of component in it, maybe alcohol, that makes girls horny. And it's usually white wine. Get her fucked up on that shit, and there's no doubt you're going to Penetration City.

Well then, what's the next move? You've made your mark by showing off your ability to dress. You've tackled the big bill of the first date by splurging on McDonald's. How do we get to plan C and get to drinking the vino? Are there any parks nearby? Where 14-year-olds hang out? If yes, you need to get your ass there. Post up in your car, open the bottle of Oak Leaf, and start playing pass the bottle. You can also set the mood by playing some John Mayer to moisten her underwear. After several gulps of the wine, she will be more inclined to open up about her life, and eventually open her legs. Success!

This is the tricky part. You need to find a way to bring her back to your parents house, or hopefully she is better than you and lives in an apartment of her own. Tell her you want to take things slowly and it's better if we don't do anything tonight. Now she thinks you're a good guy. Wrong. Get her in a bed and lay down with her. Tell her you just want to make sure she falls asleep alright. Start playing with her hair. She'll start assaulting your mouth with hers. Now her underwear have been removed. You slip on a condom, but only if you're a sailor, and enter Penetration City. Finish up and leave. Never call her again. Brag to your friends about the slut you just had sex with and high five everyone involved. Take a shower. Lather, rinse, repeat. And that's how you have sex on a first date. It works, but probably not for you because "I am better than you."

Tattoos Are More Popular Than Microwaves In The 70s

Finally I have returned to my forum to express my thoughts. After another unsettling few days, I will unleash more of my correct opinions. I was lying (laying?), I still don't know when to use either one, in bed watching television on Saturday afternoon collecting my thoughts because I had nothing else to do. So I let my mind wander and found myself gazing at the screen and noticing something startling. It was the St. John's-Villanova basketball game and every asshole on the court had tattoos. All 10 of them. I decided to do a little bit of research and the results were disheartening. Tattoos are cool now.

I looked at some photos from the 80s involving the Lakers and the Celtics. None of them pictured had any tats. Zero. When I looked at a picture from last season's NBA Finals, only 4 of the 10 starters had tats, but 6 of the key bench players did as well. So not my best example, but the point is tattoos are huge in not only basketball, but athletics in general. Basketball is also the most noticeable because they wear tank tops. But you can also see how prevalent they are in football, too. Even some clowns who play baseball have them. Look at Eric Hinske's back tattoo.

That is without a doubt the worst tattoo in the history of the world. I don't care what his reasoning is, it looks awful. For the rest of his life, that mural will be on his back. I've taken shits that have looked better than this travesty. But it's not only athletics where tattoos are creeping into. Mainstream musicians are getting into the act. Google 'John Mayer Sleeve'. Appalled? I certainly am. Sure it looks cool as shit, but to see that mess on that sweetheart's arm is just upsetting. You can only get tats if you're in a shitty metal band that no one listens to or if you're a cover band trying to pay this month's rent.

But wait, it goes even further. Megan Fox is a walking pile of ink. She has a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her forearm and verses in script on her ribs/back. I can understand if guys want to pollute their bodies with permanent ink because for the most part we're fucking idiots and don't know good ideas from bad ones. But a beautiful female? No one wants to look at that shit while penetration is occurring. It would probably get me thinking about how many guys splooged all over the targets. And that my friend is a thought that should not occur during sexual intercourse. Especially with someone like Meg.

And of course, their are those of us who get tattoos because they mean something special to us. Reminiscing about a lost loved one, whether it be a family member, a friend, or maybe even a pet. Completely understandable. If it is small and has significant value, I'm all for it. But way too often tattoos are seen as the cool thing to do. In 10 years, you will be looking back at what you did to your body and regret it immediately. For those pieces of shit, haha asshole. Once seen as taboo has now become mainstream and cool. So I will ride off into the sunset with my Dick Vitale tattoo on my ass, chanting along the way, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://youbeenblinded.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/eric-hinske-tattoo.jpg

Jennifer Aniston Needs To Shut The Fuck Up

I know this is a little bit old, but it's been jarring my ass. Jennifer Aniston is an ungrateful wench and she should be excluded from anything Hollywood related from now until the end of time. I believe it was last week that the old has-been was quoted as saying that she thought the "Rachel" (her hairdo from the show 'Friends') was ugly and made her look stupid. Not only did that ugly, stupid hairdo make her a national icon for the remainder of the show's history, but it vaulted her into superstardom. Her response is that it was ugly. Good one Jennifer. Now go fall off a cliff because you aren't doing anyone any good anymore.

I can't believe that people in Hollywood continue to cast her in movies. Every movie she's in bombs at the box office. Nobody cares about her. She's not even that attractive. Maybe in 1995 she was, but 2011 Jennifer is disgusting. Old, mangled and dried up looking face. No wonder she can't seem to keep anyone around. I know John Mayer isn't the best-looking person in the world, but he certainly soils girls' panties around these here United States. Why? Because he's a lyrical genius and puts a lot of raw emotion into his songs. Something Jennifer can't seem to do with the characters she plays in movies.

Her latest fiasco opens today/tomorrow depending on when you're reading this. It's called, "Just Go With It". And this movie stars another washed-up has-been in Adam Sandler. At one point in time, this guy was my favorite actor in Hollywood. "Billy Madison" is one of the greatest comedies ever written. And don't forget about "Happy Gilmore". Another gem. But holy shit, his movies started to go downhill with that travesty of a film "Little Nicky". Nothing has been anywhere near good since then. So he's attempting to make another run at Box Office Gold with this delightful romantic-comedy that opens on Valentine's Day Weekend. Great idea Adam.

Like I wrote in my previous post, "You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?" Brooklyn Decker is a part of this film. And the people marketing and advertising this movie are doing a great thing by showing some promos of her in a tight, yellow bathing suit. Because now I'm considering going to see this shitpile of a movie, just so I can stare at her. Creepy? Sure. But what do you want from me? (Brandon) Any movie that focuses primarily on a skinny, blonde-haired chick has got my attention. And that says alot because I still haven't forgotten about that skank Jennifer Aniston and her partner in crime, Mr. Hanukkah.

So, the moral of the story is you shouldn't complain about how great you have it now because you think you're above everyone else. And how being an ungrateful bitch will only leave you with loneliness. That's why John Mayer and Brad Pitt left her ass. Now what does she have? Besides a shitty movie that she probably got paid $10 million for. The answer is nothing. Material things only get you so far Jennifer and soon, someday soon, you will realize that and regret it. As for me, I decided I won't see the film. Sorry Brooklyn, but seeing that moose look-alike is too much for me just because "I am better than you."