Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

I Started Working, I Moved To Virginia, My Leg Is Going To Fall Off. I'm Going To Try Blogging Again

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since my last blog post and these are my sins. Just kidding. We all know I don't believe in that hocus pocus, hodge-podge, religious bullshit. My goodness it feels great to start writing again. I'm sorry to all my devoted readers who would spend countless hours reading up on the things that piss me off. Or to the other reader who just wants something to waste their time. But I promise to write more on schedule than usual, it's just that I was structuring my life for the past few weeks to see what would be expected of me. It turns out that I don't have to give up writing politically incorrect blog posts, but I wouldn't have anyway. So onto my current life.

I started working on August 1. It's a decent sized company with mostly all dudes. And no that's not what I prefer. But sometimes you've got to roll with the punches. As for a typical day...I wake up every morning at 7:10. I proceed to bathe myself to get myself invigorated. I eat breakfast at roughly 7:30-7:35. I get to work at 7:50. And then I cold call people from 8-12, when I go out for lunch. I get back at 1 and cold call from 1-5:30. I get home around 6 and lay in bed and watch television until I go to sleep at 11. That's my life in a nut shell. I wake up to work and then get home and go to sleep. Cool.

Many times throughout the course of my life, people have said to me, "If you find a job that you love doing, you'll never work a day in your life." Fuck you asshole. You can love what you're doing, but it's still work. What kind of idiot do you have to be? And don't tell me not to take things so literally. That's the only way to take things. I'm a man. I don't beat around the bush. I don't play games. I speak my mind and that's all. Take it or leave it. But aside from that I love my job. I know cold calling seems like it's the worst thing to do in the history of the world, but the environment I work in is incredible. Everybody is incredibly nice. The atmosphere is very relaxed, despite the fact that people are cranking out phone calls all day. I couldn't fit in a more reasonable place.

Enough with work. So I moved to Virginia. I found a room for rent on Craigslist, looked at it, loved it, and moved in. One roommate is clean, one is straight-up German, and the other is Chinese. I pretty much live with the United Nations. Unfortunately, the German and Chinese guys are moving out and soon I'll have new roommates. And you never know what kind of freaks are going to come marching through that door. So I'm making it a point to see them first. They need to like sports, girls, beer, and potpourri. If they don't meet all of those criteria, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say "No." Liberals.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in West Virginia. I had a reunion with a whole bunch of people that I hadn't seen since graduation. It was a really great time. It consisted of a pig roast and gallons and gallons of beer. From the moment I got there to the moment I left, somebody was drinking. If that isn't dedication to a good time, I don't know what is. The first three weeks here have left my salivating anticipating the next weekend because I don't know what's going to happen. And before I forget. I got bit by a spider on Saturday. It was the most itchy experience of my entire life. Today, Tuesday, it has turned a nice shade of purple. I'm not one to care about anything, but good lordie I needed to get this shit checked out.

I go to an urgent care center and the doctor takes a look at my leg. He tells me there's nothing to be concerned with, for now, because the bite is only superficial. If it busts open, then it's time for panic mode. That's when infection can make its way in and my leg can get severed. Thanks, doc. I wasn't at all nervous or skeptical before you had told me that and I definitely have no reason to now. Idiot. So here's to hoping that I have my leg next week or the week after or however long it takes for the poison to travel. This will be my payback for being perfect.

I saw my old roomie who joined the Peace Corps in Ethiopia. He's doing well. I miss him. I saw Brian, Melissa, Jonny, Russ, Parker, and more this weekend, too. You don't know how much you truly miss something until it's gone. And that holds true to everything in life. Take this blog for instance. When all of you goobers came clicking around for it and saw that I hadn't updated for what seemed like eternity, you probably thought I retired it. Wrong. I'll never retire it until I turn 25 or something. Because I still have way toooooo many reasons to tell you that "I am better than you."

I Fucking Hate Hipsters

Who decided that it was okay to be a hipster? From the dumb plaid shirts, to the 1970s porn star moustaches, to the skinny girl jeans, to the big fake black-horned rim glasses, finally to cases and cases of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Everything that hipsters do is dumb. Essentially, they are the previous generation's kids who shopped at Hot Topic. Remember what kind of losers shopped at Hot Topic? They sold Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Pink Floyd trucker hats, and coffin backpacks. And these derelicts would go in, buy some spikes as their earrings, hair coloring for their mohawk, and other dumb graphic t-shirts. And they would go to school dressed like fucking idiots and call themselves goths. Then they would get made fun of and explain to the rest of us that they were expressing their individuality and people didn't "understand" them.

Here's what I understand. People don't like you because you suck. You suck big dick. You think you're shopping at Hot Topic to showcase your individuality, but what those idiots failed to realize was that they were actually conforming to the same ideology. Nothing about them was unique. I can see the same thing happening now across the populated parts of the country. Kids showing up to school, claiming they are artsy and how they have such a passion for music and doing liberal things like going to foreign countries and farming for them. Hey dick clowns, find something original to do.

Ever heard of the Peace Corps? You know what they do, right? They go to impoverished countries and utilize the resources in order to make that particular city more viable for the future generations. Going to do some farming work is NOT original, nor does it seem like a lot or any fun. And as far as I'm concerned, we have a lot of farms in America. A whole bunch. Why don't you work on those farms so we can eliminate the pesticides that farmers need to use to make the quota for all the product they have to move? All of our food can become organic and maybe obesity will drop because we won't be eating chemicals. You hipsters are liberals, aren't you? My idea should sound fucking brilliant.

I also never quite understood why it's such a big deal to like things that only you know about. Like the band, Vampire Weekend or some 80s synthesizing band. They've been around for a long time now, but since they've hit the mainstream a bit and "sold-out", they've fallen out of favor with the pussy-boy hipster crowd. I thought people liked things because they actually liked them? Who gives a flying fuck if everyone else likes it too? That should never change your feelings on something if it's completely unwarranted. That's clearly why people don't like hipsters. They've created this image that they are above and beyond everything and everyone else. Go fuck yourselves loser assholes.

And don't get me started with the drug use. As if these dickheads invented marijuana or wild mushrooms. "Let's smoke some pot." No Bill. "Let's do shrooms instead." Dope. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dope? Dope? That word was cool in the 80s. It isn't cool anymore. Stop trying to bring it back. These are also the same virgins that love watching Donnie Darko and trying to unravel all of its deep mysteries. That movie fucking sucks. Jake Gyllenhaal is a terrible fucking actor. Time travel is not real. Neither are talking rabbits named Frank. Stop analyzing that shitty movie and accept it for what it is: Shitty. You fucking pieces of shit are no better than anyone or anything because once again you conformed to society by not conforming. Your taste in things is awful as are your cutoff jorts (jean shorts). Grow up and be yourself for once. I've always been myself because "I am better than you."

People Who Buy Art Are Impressionable Assholes

There is one thing that I will admit that I am not good at. Overall I consider myself to be very well-rounded as I have an understanding of pretty much everything. I always say "I'm good at everything. I'm not great at anything." Maybe not the best mindset to have, but whatever. I can't draw. I couldn't draw if you paid me all the money in the world. I have difficulty drawing shapes. I don't know how to draw humans or even animals. When my family gets together over the holidays we always play Pictionary. No one wants to be paired with me because I can't draw for shit. Some of my work is actually on display in the living room because it's that poor. But who's to say what a good artist is? Frankly, I think they all suck.

I've only been to museums on class trips. They would take us to the fake dinosaur displays, the planetarium (my favorite), the gift shop, and last but not least, the art gallery. What the fuck is an elementary school-aged kid going to do in an art gallery? The teachers and chaperones would ask, "What do you think of this piece?" I think it's a piece of shit. It looks like the artist took a paint brush and splashed some fucking color onto a canvas. He or she clearly didn't pass kindergarten because they are way out of the lines. Then the teachers would give me a funny look.

But it wasn't just me that hated the art gallery. All the other kids in my class hated it too, except of course those slimy liberals. They would be enamored by the prestigious art work and applaud it for its creativity. But of course they were just impressionable assholes. I could tell them that that pile of dogshit sitting in the lawn in front of my house was art and they would probably pull out their camera and start snapping photos. And I say that jokingly, but one time I saw some dogshit and told them it was art and they started taking pictures of it. Idiots.

And now those same kids who were so intrigued by art in 4th grade are the same kinds of people who go to auctions and try to buy worthless pieces of paint. Think about it. Picasso is a well-known artist. He painted mutated versions of people on canvas and sold it to people. They bought it for cheap because it looked like shit. Then 20 years later, all of a sudden, his artwork was the greatest thing since sliced bread. People dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars on art. The reasoning was "the world wasn't ready for it yet." They weren't ready because it looked like this:

Can somebody please explain to me how this is art? As I mentioned before I can't draw. And it seems pretty clear to me that Picasso can't either. If you give me a paintbrush and a blindfold, I can either match this drawing or better it.

Art is interpreted by the person observing it. I can say that by using mundane and darker colors around the face, he was going for a general sadness. The bright colors at top signify that this person wants to be thinking positively, but the expression on their face says otherwise. Now prove me wrong. Tell me that my interpretation of the art piece above is wrong. You can't do it because there is no right or wrong answer. So would I be willing to spend $50,000 on acquiring this piece of shit? The answer is no because people who buy art are impressionable assholes. They have nothing better to waste their money on and are therefore stupid.

Whether it's the Medieval, Renaissance, Neoclassicism, Romanticism, Modern, or Contemporary I don't give a shit. Art is stupid. I respect people who can draw and that it's their creativity coming out and blah blah blah. But art is fucking lame and so are the people who like it. Don't tell me anything about art unless you're a museum curator. Otherwise, I will look at you like you're some piece of liberal shit who's just trying to fit in with the general public. Unless you're idea of art is Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler, than I'm all in. But nobody looks at pornography magazines anymore. Thank you interweb. All conservatives can join me today in saying "I am better than you."

How To Look Great And Feel Great This Summer

Since I'm pretty much a fashion connoisseur and dress to perfection with my assortment of Hollister polos that I've been wearing for the past 9 years of my life, I want to share what I know with the world. Sometimes it's not what you're wearing on the outside. Sometimes people genuinely care about what you have to offer from the inside. Haha. Just kidding. Nobody believes that bullshit. Summer is a time in which sneakers, polos, jorts, long-sleeved dressy shirts and wife-beaters (sleeveless white undershirts) are prevalent. But since everybody is going to be wearing that shit to the bars or clubs or wherever you waste your time, I want to help everyone out by highlighting some different ensembles you should wear.

Plain white shirt - Nothing says I'm sophisticated and willing to party like a plain white t-shirt. It helps you breathe easy, can be scribbled on with relative ease, and you can always claim somebody spilled something on you when you're really sweaty from being out of shape. They come 3-in-a-pack and are generally cheap. Plus, they are unisex. No that doesn't mean they only have sex with one person. It means that it could be worn by both sexes, you know like boys and girls. I think it would be a huge hit at your local bar.

Old NBA jerseys - This is just a no-brainer. It's sleeveless, shows off your muscular biceps and triceps, great colors, and never ages. The older the jersey, the better off you are. Girls will want to talk to you because they will think you are athletic. Guys will want to be you because you look so fucking good. The only setback is that girls don't know dick about sports for the most part, and most guys do. That leaves you sitting in the back of the bar talking to some homely loser, meanwhile the slutty girls are hanging out in the front of the bar flirting with the bartender in hopes they will get free drinks or free sex. But if you can use the jersey to your advantage, you can easily score with this thing on. (No pun intended)

Cargo shorts - People say that cargo shorts are so out of fashion, but how can they be? Look at all the different great features they have: two normally placed pockets, two side pockets, and two back pockets. That immediately gives me a place to put my phone, wallet, keys, gum, and two other items of my choosing. Like for instance, my contact solution and case so that when that sexy girl approaches me, I can spit my game and stay the night at her place. And I'll conveniently have my contact shit with me all thanks to the side pockets. Do you want to give me any disadvantages to having that many pockets? I didn't think so.

Spandex shorts - Yeah I know. Biking is the single-most homosexual activity you can call a sport. Maybe that and bowling. But imagine the possibilities of wearing these in public. First of all, it compacts your genitals so tightly that it probably shrinks it to infinitesimal sizes. That is a good thing because she will immediately think to herself, "Wow. He has a small wiener." So you take her back to your place, whip it out, and voila! It's actually 2 inches and not the 1 inch she thought. Now she's impressed. Second of all, they are incredibly comfortable. You wouldn't think so the way things are forced in like sardines, but believe me. They are. Third of all, it shows off your great figure. For me personally, it accentuates my ass. Bonus time.

Rainbows - I have to thank my wonderful Jewish roommate for this find. These are called Rainbow flip-flops and their primary purpose is to be the most comfortable flip-flop you've ever worn. I bought myself a pair and not only do I look great, I feel great. And I know it pretty much means that you are a liberal, but that's a price you just have to be willing to pay. Plus it gives your feet the ability to breathe easily, therefore curbing the smell of them. I recommend going out to your local mall and buying a pair at the "Journeyz" or however they spell their name. It'll set you back around $50, but that shouldn't be enough to give up your feet's comfort.

I think if you go to any bar wearing any mashup of the clothes I just presented to you, you will go home lucky that evening. It seems almost like a physical impossibility for any of these to fail. Now that you know how to dress this summer, give me a call and we can go to the bar together, hold hands, and have a grand old time. Maybe if I like you enough, I won't even have to tell you that "I am better than you."