5 Things You Need To Eat Before Your Overweight Body Quits On You

Relax your boner, quit seizuring, and listen up. I know what you're thinking. I'm a man amongst men. I've conquered things that only few can dream about. I have the appetite of a 3-year-old girl. Yep, that's right. I choose my choice of foods very carefully. I like pizza and chicken and that about covers it. Sure things can get pretty terrible at the dinner table every night. But do you see me complaining? Nope, because you don't live with me. But in all seriousness, I like really just a handful of things and I wanted to provide some hope for people who like even fewer than me. If I like the shit I'm about to mention, you need to heed my advice and trust that I'll lead you to the Promised Land. Buckle up, idiots.

5. Plain pizza with pepperoncini's

I wanted to start off rather simple, because isn't it the simple things in life that make you the happiest? Like watching your neighbor when he's, I mean, she's in the shower, looking up a girl's dress/skirt when she's in a stairwell, or lying in bed with the person you love the most and watching shitty movies. Well, at least that's how it is for me. Watch this quick video.

So pizza with pepperoncini's you say? Absolutely. Pizza consists of some of the best stuff in the world. Bread, cheese, and marinara sauce. I personally like to add a little kick to it so I tell the assholes in the kitchen to toss some pepperoncini's on top. They aren't too hot for an avid spicy food eater like myself or any other human with a penis. However, some girls might have some trouble putting it down, because they are girls after all. Very basic, very simple. If you can't master cooking this, you better be hot as fuck.

4. Blueberry glazed donut

If I only had the option of eating one more dessert/slash breakfast item for the rest of my life I would have no hesitation in saying the blueberry glazed donut after careful consideration over waffles with ice cream. It's fried dough, blueberries, and sugar. Plus, you could be like one of those liberal assholes who goes on and on about antioxidants and healthy life food or shit like that. Just give me the fried dough and sugar and I'll be on my way. Take the time out of your worthless life to try this magnificent treat. Believe me, it's the best.

3. Cucumbers with lemon juice and red pepper flakes

My Jewish roommate in college loved watching the Food Network. He also liked to cook using his favorite ingredients: bacon, butter, bacon butter, fat, and nutella. It was no small wonder that he could never get a date, but I digress. One day watching one of those shows, one of the chefs made this simple recipe. Dousing some freshly cut cucumbers into a bowl with lemon juice and red pepper flakes. I was hesitant at first, but it literally blew my mind. So three of us sat in the living room with 3 forks and 1 bowl aggressively attacking this novel treat. What did I tell you about the simple things people? Marvelous and elegant.

2. The Sho-Walter

Don't mind the size of the photo. It serves its purpose. As for the Sho-Walter, downtown from where I previously went to college, they had a burger place. This place was called "Jack Brown's." In four years of attendance, I visited this restaurant 2 times. It's quite possible that it's my biggest regret ever in life, but then again I don't regret anything. This sandwich, which consisted of a hamburger patty, bacon, a fried egg, cheese, and get this, a glazed donut instead of a bun, was the second greatest thing to ever enter into my mouth. No small feat as a lot of things have been placed in there. It's photos like these that I'm tagged in on Facebook that put me into a manic depression. No burger can ever compare to this. Ever.

1. Salami and pastrami on rye/white/wheat bread featuring pickles

I couldn't afford pastrami in college because I was unemployed my whole life. So I made an audible. I took salami and pickles and made a sandwich out of it. Disgusting? Guess again shit-brain. This sandwich was introduced to me by my father. Well, he used to wrap turkey, salami, or cheese around a pickle and eat as some sort of snack. I elaborated on it and put it on some bread. Then when I went to go visit my liberal friends from school in New York City, we ventured into Katz's Deli and boom, salami and pastrami on rye with a side a pickles. Oh Mr. Katz, you slay me! Before you die, you have to try this ensemble of food. It will melt your brains because it is so good. Trust me, I've never lied ever before.

I hope all you assholes reading this right now are in work and that your mouth is salivating because it's almost lunch time. I hope you forgot your lunch. I hope you starve for the rest of the day. But in all honesty, you need to eat everything I just mentioned. Preferably in one sitting. Then I can consider you half the man that I am and I won't be so inclined to tell you that, "I am better than you."

Are You Done Being A Pompous Asshole Yet? No One Likes You

Spending a weekend with friends can do a whole bunch for you. It allows you the opportunity to get drunk, smoke weed, have sex, or other typical things that 23-year-olds do. Unfortunately, there's always a stickler that ruins everyone's fun. Or maybe a few. At times like these, you do your best to ignore the "sour apple" and surge ahead for what should be an unforgettable weekend. And this weekend, I had just that. An unforgettable one. But this time for all the wrong reasons. Let me divulge shit that has bothered me for the past 48 hours.

I have two pretty good friends, at least I think we're good friends, who like to take pictures. One of them is pretty much a professional at this point, doing some freelance work. And she's pretty fucking good. I'm not saying it because she's a friend, but because I actually think she's good at what she does. And I know for a fact that she will make a career out of it because she has a passion for it. She'll make it not only because her work is pretty great, she'll make it because she wants to. Bad. As for my other friend, he isn't a professional, nor do his pictures show that he is. But he likes taking pictures and who am I to knock him for it. (Even though we did) If it weren't for either of them, maybe more of my senior year would have been forgotten by now.

Here are their links respectively:

http://www.carlyarnwineblog.com/

http://thekarmapaymentplan.wordpress.com/category/photography/

And this leads me to one of my problems. Mr. Stickler, just because you bought a camera for $575 on eBay doesn't make you a photographer. No one cares about the price or your lens. Do not judge my friend's photography on the notion that it's hard to be good at it. Some people have a knack for art and can succeed doing it. She's already had several jobs that paid her for her work. She is in fact better than you. Accept it.

I also don't give a flying fuck about how much money you make at work, how much you spend on rent each month, how many girls or guys you've slept with, what kinds of drugs you've used, what it costs at bars each night, and many more. I do not care. Let me reiterate. I do not care. And don't get mad when someone we know makes more money than you out of college. It happens. It's called hard work and intelligence. Jealousy does in fact take many forms.

(Sick bro!)

Studying abroad is a privilege. Having the money to go on vacation is also one. I was the product of divorced parents with very little extra income that could be spent on family vacations. I was happy with the way I was raised. I didn't need the luxury of going to Hong Kong, Columbia, or the Dominican Republic for happiness. Of course I'd love to have the option, but I didn't, and as of right now I still don't. So no, you are not better than me for having seen parts of the world that I haven't. I don't need to be reminded of my financial shortcomings. So shut your mouth.

And yes, I have put on some weight. I don't need to be told that I'm growing a double chin. I'm 5'11'' and I weigh 170 lbs. By no means whatsoever am I overweight. I don't have insecurities that I need to point out to people to make myself feel better. I feel great the way I am. I don't need to work out and get muscles and/or have the world's straightest teeth to feel good about myself. I dated a beautiful girl for nearly 3 years that didn't have a problem with my looks, so why should you? You fucking prick.

Don't try to one-up everything that I said or anyone else said, because frankly no one gives a shit about what you think. It was a privilege for you to have even been invited this weekend, don't let your big head forget that. And please don't tell me that if I really wanted a full-time job, I would have one by now. You don't seem to understand the severity of the unemployment rate. I'm busting my ass trying to find work. I don't find it entertaining or enjoyable sitting at home all day hoping to get that phone call from one of the 15 companies I just sent my resume to. I know eventually things will work in my favor because they always do. This time I mean it when I say "I am better than you."

Teen Pregnancy: Why Wait?

When a man and a woman love each other, they have what is called sex. And from sex, a baby is made. If I can recall correctly, that was what I was taught at around 9 or 10 years old. Probably because I was far advanced for my age and I asked, my mom gave me the courtesy of telling me. So despite the fact that I didn't actually SEE what sex was until I was about 13, I knew the result of it was a baby. Then I learned about condoms and all that other fun stuff. So let's shoot around 13 or 14 for when I knew what sex was and how it could be prevented. Maybe I was a late bloomer, sue me. But what I knew then seems to be a lot more than what teenagers know now. Teen pregnancy seems to be the cool thing to do now. I'm glad I'm not a teen.

I think we can start by placing the blame on Lifetime. Sometime last year they had an original movie premiere titled "The Pregnancy Pact." This movie told the story about a group of friends in some New Hampshire high school or some other liberal New England state, and the pact they made with one another to get pregnant. Ok, so high school wasn't the best 4 years I had of my life. I spent a lot of Friday nights twiddling my thumbs and twiddling other body parts. But never was I so bored that I decided to make a pact with my friends to get pregnant. It's also something I couldn't do because I'm not a sea horse. I can't make babies. I also probably couldn't have sex, but that's besides the point. A pact to get pregnant? Really? How shitty is life over there?

(Nice tagline)

Not to miss out on jumping on the bandwagon, MTV followed it up with a television program called, "Teen Mom" and now "Teen Mom 2". Since MTV only shows good, educational programming (see Jersey Shore and The Real World) they have taken a regional trend and made it a national phenomenon. What this excuse for a show does is encourage girls to get pregnant so that there's a possibility of getting onto t.v. Thankfully MTV pays the girls who are featured on the show, but they still provide the entertainment that's leading to tens of thousands of stupid girls getting pregnant. Good grief!

(Disgusting effects of being pregnant and fat)

The biggest problem I seem to have with it, is how? How are these girls getting pregnant, if it isn't voluntary? I understand that sometimes condoms break. I understand that sometimes condoms don't feel as good. Heck, I even understand if people are allergic to latex. But I also understand that birth control is relatively easy to get a hold of. Even if girls don't want to tell their moms or dads that they are sexually active, they can still make up the excuse that they want to regulate their periods, can't they? Maybe I really don't understand because I'm a boy, but I doubt it seriously.

(It's that easy)

Girls always seem to complain that taking birth control puts on excess weight. Maybe a little bit more love in the love handles or even a little bit bigger titties. I don't see that being a problem with me, so why should it be a problem for them. And really? A little excess weight? Surely you have to be kidding me? Do you know what happens when you get pregnant? You put on an upwards of 25-30 punds. And then after you eject the child out of you, some of that excess weight lingers. Forever. So yes, a little bit of excess weight now instead of a lifetime of weight that you are unable to get off. Don't worry lots of guys find stretch marks attractive.

(Doutzen Kroes, Victoria's Secret model two months after giving birth)

(Image source - infdaily)

I don't want to hear about supermodels and actresses or other famous people that lose the weight in like 20 days after giving birth. They aren't real humans. They must do massive amounts of coke or exercise 20 hours a day until all the fat is gone. So girls, don't let them lead by example because all that'll do for you is leave you depressed and disgusting. Take the extra 7 seconds before bang city putting on a condom to ensure you don't get preggers. Take that little pill to prevent baby Jesus from being created inside of you. Because being pregnant as a teen is probably the last thing you should be worrying about. It's the zits and not getting into college you should be worried about. Worried about people like me who are prettier and smarter but most importantly say, "I am better than you."

Workout Videos Are Good For Muscles, Not For Getting Girls Excited

Most of the male population in the United States finds it necessary to have a work-out regimen. I however, am not one of those men. Simply put, I don't really care if you find my 12'' biceps unattractive or feminine. I am comfortable within my body. Realistically, would you rather I look like I do now or grow muscle from a workout I saw from videos I bought from the television? If you are a shallow piece of shit, you probably said option 2. But if you were any self-respecting human, you will take me for what I am. P90X is fucking stupid as are all workout videos.

If you do a lot of sitting around watching television, chances are you've seen infomercials for a product called P90X. What it is is a workout that you do daily and jot down your results in a nifty notebook. After how many ever days, you're supposed to see improvement or your money back, yada yada yada. I don't give a flying fuck if it makes you look like the David Statue.

Or even Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1978 (see above). You still have to look at yourself in the mirror and say, "I'm getting ripped using a workout video. Do I have any self-respect?" No. No you do not.

If you are courting a girl and really feel like she might be something special, your best bet is to NOT tell her that you just got done doing a P90X workout. The reason being she will laugh at you and consider you a total dweeb. Plus workout videos are the personification of miserable. But let's say she doesn't know you are using said product. Is that okay? Abso-fuckin-lutely. Why do you need to go into specifics as to what kind of workout you are doing? You don't. As far as she is concerned, just tell her you got back from the gym. In all honesty, she probably won't even be able to tell the difference. It's just the principle of telling somebody that you use a workout video.

Harsh? Of course. But somebody has to teach people how to behave appropriately in a social setting. And luckily for you, you have me. The ultimate gentleman and baron of socially acceptable behavior. You never, ever, tell the person you are courting what it is you are actually doing, if it could be embarrassing. You don't tell a date that you're trimming the hedges before you pick them up, do you? Of course not, because that would be creepy and just flat-out weird. Same goes for working out. You went to the gym. You weren't in your living room doing Pilates with your roommate, or doing crunches on the giant medicine ball thing, or even doing P90X. It's that simple.

The point is, honesty is not the best policy. It is almost always better to lie in every situation. "Honey, does this make me look fat?" No. "Is there anything stuck in my teeth?" Yes. "Have you ever used P90X?" No way, Jose. This is a valuable lesson to learn in life. Because one day you are going to be in this exact scenario and you are going to have a choice. Taking the easy way out and being honest or being a real person and lying. Choose lying. I have never used nor will I ever use P90X because I'm already assured that, "I am better than you."

P.S. This is one of my favorite videos ever...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qi6oPP40hrI

***Photo courtesy of http://www.muscle-build.com/arnold-schwarzenegger.html

The Easiest Way To Lose Weight Is To Have Never Gotten Fat To Begin With

I'm tired of looking at people who are fat. I understand that being fat has its perks, like it not hurting when you fall on your ass/cottage cheese, or knowing that whatever you wear, you'll probably look terrible regardless. It just pains me so much because if everyone had a natural physique like mine, the world would be a better place. I've seen people of all shapes and sizes and the ones who are most repulsive are those who are obese. Obesity is a disease in which you can't stop eating because you have no self-value and very little care in your appearance. I am here to help.

I recently read a study that linked childhood obesity with an insufficient amount of sleep. If you are laughing, stop, because that's apparently real. Yes children are fucking fatso's because they aren't getting enough sleep. Let's disregard all the fucking happy meals they're eating and the 12 cans of soda they drink a day, as well as the time video games consume their souls. I swear to God researchers are the dumbest motherfuckers around. To even make a statement like that is borderline retarded. Excuses are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink. But I have a solution or five.

Like the title says the easiest way to lose weight is to never put it on in the first place. But since none of us are perfect (besides me) I did a little research. One of the first ways you can prevent yourself from becoming fat or to stop being fat is bulimia. I understand throwing up is not an ideal situation for everyone, but optimal for losing excess weight. If you don't want the acid to burn your esophogus there is always solution number two, anorexia. Stopping yourself from eating is a great way to cut down on ghastly weight gains. And lastly, we have laxatives. This way you can poop out all those unwanted Big Mac's. However, I should note that this measure is only for the males because, as we all know, girls don't poop.

We shouldn't be celebrating those who are obese. "The Biggest Loser" is an example as to why our country is looked upon like a big joke. We are putting fat fucking losers on television and then paying them to lose weight. PAYING people to lose weight. Gone are the days of looking good for yourself. If it doesn't amount to a paycheck, than it isn't worth our time? Right? How nieve and despicable we truly are. And I blame that liberal Obama who's in the White House for this. If we had jobs we wouldn't resort to getting fat so that we can earn a paycheck.

No, there is no such thing as an obese gene. Yes, these people can help it. We all go through rough times and to blame your mortifying weight gain on your problems is foolish and unacceptable. If you don't have a good metabolism, eat three meals a day. Work out. Run. Jog. Stop eating. Stop drinking. Obesity is very easy to overcome. I joked about it before, but seriously, it doesn't take much to lose weight. Stop blaming a lack of sleep on childhood obesity. Start taking responsibility for your poor actions. Life is too short to dance with fat chicks. Keep that in mind to the four girls reading this, because I will only dance with you if you are indeed skinny. I am and that already means "I am better than you."

I Was Friends With A Lot Of Shitty Humans In College

College. A time of growing up. Finding out who you really are deep down, past the flabby stomach and the clogged arteries. In some ways, college was wonderful. Actually, in all ways, college was wonderful. The person who says that high school is the best four years of your life clearly never made it to college. College, for me, allowed me the opportunity to meet some of the best and worst people in all of the universe. All of my friends that I made are shitheads. But the biggest shithead of them all will always be me. They brought out the best and only the best in me. Here is my thanks to you you pieces of shit.

Throughout freshman year, I met a shit ton of people. Maybe because it was new. Maybe because people were dying to befriend me. I still don't know till this day. But I can never get over the people I shared a bathroom with for my first year of college. My roommate loved school. A really nice kid, but he loved school. Nothing wrong with that, but I wish he had partied more. The Asians next door. They managed to randomly place 3 Asians in the same room, right next to me. They liked smoking pot. Not your typical Asian. But they also liked playing video games. Zingggggg! There's the stereotype I was looking for! The swimmers. They swam and liked to party. Great guys, couldn't have been any nicer.

The other side of the bathroom had us a very liberal Jew. A very New Jersey New Jerseyan. Two New Yawkers. A Philly boy. And a hick. I had to have one, I mean I went to school in Virginia they were bound to show up eventually. All of us got along real well. We partied. We drank frequently. We ate together. We shit together. Easily the best year of my life. Nothing can compare, nothing will compare. Ever. For the rest of my life.

Then we had the girls on the second floor. The loud party animal. Her roommate, who was the sweetest nicest girl ever. The girl who had hair from the 80s. Her rocker, death-metal roomie. Another Jersey girl and her smart Jewish roommate. Great group of gals who I surely miss getting hammered with. And then we had the third floor girls. Way too much detail so I'll simply say they were good to us. All in all our dorm was made up of the greatest people one could ask for. A unit that stuck together through thick and thin and got drunk every week.

Sophomore year saw a time for expansion. For the first time in our lives we lived on "our own". No RA's, no parents, no guardians. Just us to govern ourselves. From indoor soccer and volleyball, to keggers and wallball, the memories will be forever endless. The girls next door who threw their own parties and smoked cigarettes with us. You were wonderful. To the asshole who lived a couple of units away who watched the Fox Soccer Channel, even when nobody was home, I miss it. And HBO movies that were too awful to express. It was the first time I got to watch 'The Wicker Man'. And boy was it terrible. The three of you know who you are and I loved every minute living with you guys.

Junior year gave everything a new meaning. To my roommate who loves Batman and terrible television, wouldn't have wanted to watch with anybody else. You know what show I'm referencing. And my other new roommate who wants to achieve world peace. You are a crazy liberal, but I couldn't respect what you're doing any more, despite the fact that I hate everyone and everything that isn't associated with me. You two provided a school year that saw the arrival of new friends and new people for me to hate. And for that, fuck you two idiots.

Senior year was the icing on the cake. Friends girlfriends, trivia nights, neighbors, and a big bear. I can't even begin to describe the shit that happened that last year of college. From the intense snowstorm, to the definition of the Night Whalers. Memories will flood my brain for the rest of my existence. Surely all you dumb idiots have made my life better and I forever will be thankful. Devil sticks, wiffleball bats, 1161 B-Ball. The best times I could have ever asked for. Now that I sit at home in my room and type this I get disappointed in all of the things I didn't do. College is only around for 4 years. Make all of them count. Just because they made me better doesn't mean I can't say that "I am better than you."

UVA, News Anchors, And Random Food For Thought

Today I feel lazy so what I'm going to do is post a story that one of my readers sent me. I will keep their identity private. Please be advised there is some pretty foul language in here. All the more reason to get a good laugh out of it. Enjoy.

Feb 2008
I was sitting outside Market One today eating my usual, only meal of the day, which consists of something along the lines of a Snickers bar and a couple of laxatives enjoying yet another shitty day in Harrisonburg. As always, I was checking out girls and rating them on my 1-10 scale and finding humor in their shortcomings. A couple fatties, some pretty hot ones. Then you start thinking about what kind of panties they have on, if they give good head and how beat up their vag is. I can always visualize a girl’s pussy just by looking at her. I have an innate ability to distinguish between a clop of shredded roast beef with guacamole sauce on it from a perfect little taco made by the crafty hands of a Spic. Suddenly, some stupid bitch with a video camera and a tripod walked up to me and interrupted. I was already fucking pissed at life, having to endure the fags of UVA the entire day before.
“Hey, my name is some stupid slut! I am from blah blah blah stupid liberal news station. I am looking to interview insightful students on campus about the NIU shootings.”
“Good luck with that,” I said because I was more interested in the visual of her naked that was in my head.
“What do you think about it?”
“Sucks for them,” still not listening or caring about a damn thing she had to say because she looked stupid.
“What do you think about gun control? Should people have the right to have concealed weapons on a college campus?”
At this point I am left to ponder some things: Why the fuck is she talking to me? Do I look like I care about anyone or anything other than myself? Is her vagina really as saggy and pwned as I think?
“Not psychos like him.” I continued to eat some laxatives. It is a healthy alternative to bulimia. She knows this so she is jealous. I just like the taste.
“Ummmm, could you elaborate? I would like to film you on camera so we can get an idea of what students on campus think,” said the stupid cunt.
“Well, I’m not trying to get shot by some loser who has no friends. Don’t be mad at me for your shortcomings. You shouldn’t watch too much Star Trek as a kid.” As I said it, she began writing my brilliant testimony down onto a notepad, but then she stopped. I’m assuming it was somewhere between loser and Star Trek that she wasn’t too happy about.
“Uhhh, can you be a little more insightful?”
“No.”
She walked away and interviewed some ugly girls next to me wearing their letters for some stupid ass band fraternity.

Summer Camp Is For Liberals And Assholes

Yeah yeah, I know it's the wrong season. Fuck you. Today we're going to talk about summer camp. If you had the unfortunate privilege of going to a summer camp when you were younger, I feel sorry for you. Growing up, I went to a private school that graduated 12 in my 8th grade class. We had one attractive girl and the rest were all Polaks. Out of 10 boys, myself included, five looked like a fried kielbasa. In many ways that school ruined my life.

One way in which it didn't ruin my life was that all the kids in my class were all losers and definitely didn't have the ability to go to summer camp because they were too stupid. So I never felt out of place amongst them because even from an early age, I was clearly more superior. It wasn't until I got to high school and even college that the premise of summer camp was brought up.

I went to another private school for high school and most of the kids there were either wealthy as shit or complete fuckups. All the wealthy ones did drugs and slept around, like most high school students. I saved myself until college because I wanted to be the end-all to everything great. I was.

College rolls around and now real conversations take place. None of this backstabbing dramatic hee-haw bullshit. Real conversations about summer camp. I had a Jewish roommate for 3-4 years. He went to Jewish camp. I think they call it 'Yom Kippur' Day Camp or something else really Jewish. Right then and there I knew going to summer camp was liberal.

What can you possibly do at summer camp that is soooo cool? Sleep on extra small twin beds with a fat kid who pisses the bed? Or play in the woods and get lyme disease? Have a picnic with kids who can't tie their own shoelaces? Swimming in a lake infested with leeches? None of these things sound remotely cool. When I was a kid I played video games and watched 'American Gladiators', easily the greatest show of all-time.

And when I wasn't crushing Nintendo 64 I went outside and played sports like a real man. Sometimes I even played Manhunt. I bet if you played manhunt at a dumb summer camp you would get lost in the woods and eaten by a huge black bear. Not my idea of fun. Plus, living in the comfort of my own home I got to eat cool ass shit. Not that pubic infested black bean casserole bullshit or sloppy joe with rat blood.

So don't tell me 'Yom Kippur' Day Camp helped shape your identity and made you more social with people. All it did was lead you to make poor decisions, like voting for Obama. Summer camp is officially the reason why he is in office. Because look at me. I didn't go to summer camp and I turned out just fine, wouldn't you agree? The next time you consider talking about summer camp to me remember that I didn't go because "I am better than you."

New Year's Resolutions

December 31. A time to embrace change. A time to look ahead. A new beginning. Each year we celebrate as a nation, as a world for the upcoming year. Did you ever wonder why we do? Think about it. What is so compelling about a new year?

A good friend of mine had a mini tweet rant about people complaining about the past year. How it was so terrible and they needed change. And 2011 better bring that change. But I'm pretty sure I hear that shit all the time. Year after year after year. Why do you need to wait until after December 31 to start having a good year? To make a change? You don't. Your year will suck regardless because you are a loser with zero admirable qualities.

New Year's Resolutions are my absolute favorite. "This year I'm going to go on a diet and lose 20 lbs. and I'll start to feel better about myself!" Hey tubby, why didn't you think about that in the first place? Why did your fat ass have to wait until the new year to get the encouragement to lose weight? I see all these commercials on t.v. for Jenny Craig and Planet Fitness and Bally's. Put this money down and it's only this much per month. These motherfuckers know that fat ass Suzy is going to go to their gym for a maximum of three days and her pathetic soul will go right back to laying on her couch eating potato chips and pie because deep down she's a lazy piece of shit.

Maybe I'm cynical because I don't think anyone ever holds on to these vows they make. But why should they? They don't during the course of the year, so what's so different about January 1? Nothing. You're fat because you don't exercise. Ever. You won't make friends because you're asocial and ugly. You won't make money because you never have before because you're a moron and unemployed.

Things don't change with the coming of a new year. They come with a full-effort to make a change. Just ask Obama about change. America sure feels the same to me as it did two years ago, Mr. President. But these are things out of my control. For being the most pat-riotic American, I didn't vote in 2008.

I don't pretend to set false resolutions for myself during the new year. I set them as I think of them. It's called being a leader and intelligent. So for 2011, think about what it is you truly can change and are willing to change, but most importantly remember, "I am better than you."