Golden Globes Should Only Refer To Tits, Not Dumbass Awards Shows

Unless you live under a rock, or you're like me and don't give a shit, the Golden Globes took place last night from Los Angeles or something. But obviously some people care because it got 17 million viewers last night. Strange really. I could never understand why people took the time to watch this kind of stuff, but I suppose you could ask that about anything that somebody does. But an awards show? Really? The whole concept seems so boring and you end up watching people that are skinnier and better looking than you for 4 or 5 hours. Because you obviously need to watch the pre-pre show, followed by the pre-show, and then the actual show itself. Don't forget the after-show. L-A-M-E as shit.

If I wanted to look at an old, decrepid, and weathered face I'd spend my time at a retirement home. Joan Rivers and her repugnant daughter Melissa are easily the two most attrocious villains that I could ever draw up. It's almost as if they try to be as ugly and obnoxious as possible. Why can't these television stations find interesting, well-articulated, and good-looking people to do the interviews? Someone like me. Someone who won't pass up the chance to ask cool questions. Like to Mrs. Decker, "How many people did you sleep with before you met Andy Roddick?" Or to Natalie Portman, "Why don't you use protection, idiot?"

There should be more to life than celebrating people who already have it better than us in each and every way. By us, I mean you. They get to have sexy time with whomever they please at any given moment. They eat at all the finest dining establishments. They get paid millions and millions of dollars to play a character. It is the optimal lifestyle. People stalk you and take pictures of your every move. So I want to know what degenerate thought it was a good idea to give these people awards? It isn't enough that you people celebrate them every day? You want to give them more time to be in the limelight? It just doesn't seem to add up.

When I finally get a full-time job and become a somebody, I want to receive statues and shit at least once a year because I will be the best at what I do. I want to hold a goddamn gala celebrating all the wonderful things I did for the year. Because this is how we aggrandize these asshole celebrities every year. One of you should come to my local Wendy's at this time next year with a plaque that says 'Best Custodial Technician' and present it to me. Sounds ridiculous right? Yes, except that I want someone to give me that award. Let's stop giving people awards for doing their extremely well-paying jobs.

And to cap it all off, they party afterwards like they just lost their virginity. When I lose my virginity, I will definitely do like these famous assholes do and crush liquor and drugs. You see all these pictures on celebrity gossip sites and on t.v. and in tabloids and it looks like the greatest party I have ever been to, times 10. And that's only because I don't have any friends nor have I ever been invited to one. But I can tell that this is finally my year. 2011. Time for hope and change. Thanks Obama.

The moral of the story is the only thing good about these damn awards shows are that the women try to dress as slutty and sexy as humanly possible. They wear their Gucci, and Prada, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, and all the guys get to look at them and think what it would be like to be with them. Inside of them. Because people, emotions are the foundation of any healthy relationship. You want to be inside your partner and your partner to be inside of you. Ask Russell Brand about it. The next time somebody says Golden Globes to me, I hope they are referring to breasts because those are the best kinds of globes. If you don't agree, it doesn't matter because "I am better than you."

What If I Told You There Was Nothing Worse Than Hearing About Potential?

Throughout my time conquering life and becoming the greatest human to ever be conceived, I've been told a lot of things about myself. People have told me that I should be a lawyer because I have a tendency to get into arguments with people. Or a doctor because my memory is of an elite status. Or a comedian because sometimes my jokes are of the highest caliber. When realistically, I'm not Jewish, so I can't get into law. I don't have enough money to afford medical school and I probably couldn't handle all the studying. And let's be really honest. I'm not that funny. But what do all these things have in common? I could potentially have done all of them.

Potential is the most overused, overstated word in the entire English vocabulary. Everybody has the potential to do anything they want. And our stupid parents encourage such thinking by saying, "Go ahead hunny, you can be the best model in the whole world!" Your daughter has moles on her face and is about 100 lbs. overweight. She can not and will not be a model. Do not lie to her face and tell her that she is going to be a model. All our dumb parents do is give us false hope that we can do anything we set our mind to.

And these dumb ass celebrities and professional athletes who are supposed to be role models embedding into our brains that if you dream it you can achieve it. Please stop with this mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I'm at an age in my life where I realize my friends and acquaintances can do some things, but not anything. I am an exception to this because I am fully capable of all things. Like making you come back on a daily basis to continue reading this bullshit. But seriously, take a look at yourself and ask if you are doing what you intended to do in your life. Probably not.

The worst part about all of it is the phrase 'what if'. What if I was four inches taller and 50 lbs. heavier? What if Obama wasn't President? What if the Mets finally won the World Series? What if, what if , what if. But I'm not that tall or heavy. Obama is the President. The Mets will never win the World Series again. Stop living your life based on the phrase what if. It doesn't mean anything. Potential and what if go hand-in-hand because they are both bullshit. Stop being such a huge pussy and just do it. (Nike)

What if I asked that pretty girl out? She would have said no because your wearing sneakers from K-Mart and there are boogers on your WWF t-shirt. What if can relate to almost anything and everything. Yet it never seems to change, no matter the context. And stop saying that the glass is half-full. The glass is half-empty. Why the fuck would you ever say my glass is half-full of water or apple juice or some other cool drink. When you have half a tank of gas are you closer to being empty or full? Logic would tell you it's the same distance either way, but we all know it's closer to empty. So cut the crap and see things for what they really are.

I'm not a pessimist. I only see the truth in things. Like my vocabulary and grammar are in the upper echelon. And maybe I'm a little bit cynical because I know what I know better than somebody else can tell me. That's why we always choose to make our own mistakes because we want to see the outcome for ourselves. It's a mistrust of those who we do know and those that we don't. With no expectations, you could never be disappointed. However your expectations for this blog should be high because you and I both know the same thing. "I am better than you."

Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick And Nicolas Cage Is The Shittiest Actor Ever

Every once in a while someone comes along that redefines life as we know it. A maverick, a maven. Somebody you would consider calling Primetime. I had the privilege of appointing all of these nicknames to myself over the course of my life. But another man deserves some credit too. If you don't know who I'm talking about then just read the title dummy. Charlie Sheen has crossed boundaries that put him in the legendary record books. No one will do the things Charlie Sheen does and be considered cool for the next 20 years. Let us embrace him.

After doing a shit-ton of movies that nobody saw because they were pretty fucking awful, Charlie disappeared into the abyss for a couple of years. He returned in 2002 or so with the not-so-funny sitcom "Two and a Half Men." Every episode of that show has been the same since it premiered all those years ago. But this here is a celebration of a class act and genuinely nice guy.

Last year he entered rehab for a sex addiction and probably a drug addiction too. Then a couple of months ago he threatened a porn star while high on coke and locked her in the bathroom. And just this past weekend he had an orgy with 3 more pornstars. If this guy does any cooler shit, he might be allowed to be spoken in the same sentence as me. Oh shit. Regardless, Charlie Sheen is getting by on his knack for coke and having sex with whores. The ideal life.

Which leads me to his polar opposite. Nicolas Cage. He can be identified as the worst actor of all-time. If you don't believe me watch Ghost Rider for 4 minutes. And what's most sad about that last statement is that Ghost rider isn't even the worst movie he's done in the past 5 years. Have you ever heard of "Knowing"? Or what about "The Wicker Man"? If you ever have some free time, take a look at his IMDB page and let me know what you think about this clowndick. Whereas Charlie Sheen gets away with shitty acting by fornicating with lots of women and doing cool drugs, Nic Cage does not get away with it because he's stupid.

Name one good movie of Nicolas Cage's that you've seen in the past 10 years. I bet you can't do it. Because in all honesty he has never done a good film. Not one. Not ever. 'Con Air' was lame as shit. 'Gone In 60 Seconds' was a remake and it was still shit. 'The Rock' was a wrestler in the late 90s. No good has ever come from anything Nic Cage has been associated with. 'Face-Off'? Holy fucking shit I almost had a seizure after watching that whack production. I will never watch another Nic Cage movie ever again.

So when our children have conversations when we get older, or should I say my children because none of you will get married or have kids because you are too ugly and stupid, they will ask me "Daddy, who did you like as an actor when you were a little shit?" (and he'll curse too because I won't raise a pussy). I'll tell little whatever his name is, "I liked Charlie Sheen because he got to fuck a lot of people when he was in his prime. But I didn't like Nicolas Cage because 'The Wicker Man' was the worst spent 2 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for your birth." And then we'll take a shot of pomegranate Burnett's and sing a song that goes something like this, "I am better than you."

42 Year-Old's Shouldn't Have Children And Neither Should You

Word has come out that star of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski, 42 is preggers with her first child. Helllllloooooooooo. Well what the fuck have you been waiting for? You're 42 and just having your first child right now? And I know there isn't anything wrong with her eggs or vagina or whatever it is women use to get pregnant (I don't know I've never seen one). Because celebrities have a knack for getting the best shit around.

Look at Magic Johnson. That guy's had AIDS or is HIV positive since before some of you were born. Don't tell me that guy doesn't have some super secret high ass potency shit that's keeping him alive. I know he's one of the best basketball players of all-time, but he needs an "assist" from drugs. (Get it because he's like in the top 5 in assists in NBA History. You're supposed to laugh.)

So since celebrities can do some cool ass shit with their money, why couldn't this goofball shoot out a baby earlier in life? I know she was on that shitty ass television program 'Ally McBeal' and that probably setback any penis that was considering going near her hoo-ha, but that was like 14 years ago. Get over it and have a fucking child already. Next thing you know she's gonna pop out a kid with like three heads and six arms. I'm just glad I'm not that kid's daddy.

That reminds me of an argument I had with some college roommates. As we suffered through another shit episode of that "sitcom" 30 Rock, we discussed who we would rather fornicate with. Jane Krakowski or Tina Fey. Since my opinion is the only one that matters I chose Tina Fey. She's funny, smart, an excellent writer (like me), and wears glasses. That's like every guy who has ever watched porn's dream. Believe me. I know.

I think we ended up split as to who was hotter or sexier or whatever. But now, it's clear that Tina Fey is the correct choice. As if there was any doubt about it. Which leads me to the point of this very credible blog posting. Nobody reading this should consider having a child. And no, not because you're only 19-24 years of age. Or however old you perverts are. But because we shouldn't be polluting the Earth with more crap.

Don't you read the newspapers or Iamaliberal.org? Our country is hurting because of this so called "global warming". Yeah global warming. Go talk to Al "Dipshit" Gore about the global warming I am experiencing right now. Two feet of snow on Christmas weekend and another six inches or so today. And this global warming is causing the colder temperatures? What kind of chickenshit bullshit do you people believe?

So aside from being ugly, stupid, ignorant, and gullible you should refrain from having children because in all likelihood, they won't end up anywhere near as good as me. And I have one sole reason for that, because "I am better than you."

New Year's Resolutions

December 31. A time to embrace change. A time to look ahead. A new beginning. Each year we celebrate as a nation, as a world for the upcoming year. Did you ever wonder why we do? Think about it. What is so compelling about a new year?

A good friend of mine had a mini tweet rant about people complaining about the past year. How it was so terrible and they needed change. And 2011 better bring that change. But I'm pretty sure I hear that shit all the time. Year after year after year. Why do you need to wait until after December 31 to start having a good year? To make a change? You don't. Your year will suck regardless because you are a loser with zero admirable qualities.

New Year's Resolutions are my absolute favorite. "This year I'm going to go on a diet and lose 20 lbs. and I'll start to feel better about myself!" Hey tubby, why didn't you think about that in the first place? Why did your fat ass have to wait until the new year to get the encouragement to lose weight? I see all these commercials on t.v. for Jenny Craig and Planet Fitness and Bally's. Put this money down and it's only this much per month. These motherfuckers know that fat ass Suzy is going to go to their gym for a maximum of three days and her pathetic soul will go right back to laying on her couch eating potato chips and pie because deep down she's a lazy piece of shit.

Maybe I'm cynical because I don't think anyone ever holds on to these vows they make. But why should they? They don't during the course of the year, so what's so different about January 1? Nothing. You're fat because you don't exercise. Ever. You won't make friends because you're asocial and ugly. You won't make money because you never have before because you're a moron and unemployed.

Things don't change with the coming of a new year. They come with a full-effort to make a change. Just ask Obama about change. America sure feels the same to me as it did two years ago, Mr. President. But these are things out of my control. For being the most pat-riotic American, I didn't vote in 2008.

I don't pretend to set false resolutions for myself during the new year. I set them as I think of them. It's called being a leader and intelligent. So for 2011, think about what it is you truly can change and are willing to change, but most importantly remember, "I am better than you."