How To Make This Memorial Day Weekend Fun, Fun, Fun

It's that time again. The unofficial kickoff to the summer. Back when I was in high school we would go down to the shore, rent a hotel/motel for the weekend, kick back, and drink some beer. Lots and lots of beer. Of course, I don't condone such behavior because I was a wayyyy mature 17-year-old. Now it seems as I get a little bit older, it's losing its luster. I'm no longer sleeping in a bed with 4 other people passed out drunk. Nor am I vomiting on those 4 people. Instead I go to friends' houses and sit and relax and barbecue and calmly drink beers. It's amazing what can happen in 6 years time. So I've taken the liberty to concoct all the ways that you can still have fun this weekend.

1.) Stop updating what you're doing on Facebook - I don't know how many updates I've seen for the past week or two about people proclaiming their excitement for this impending weekend. I don't give a fuck that your are going to Bethany Beach, Dewey Beach, OBX (Outer Bankxxx), Miami, Las Vegas, or wherever the fuck else you bothered me with. Facebook is a social medium thats intended use is so I can stalk your pictures. Or your previous boyfriends. I don't need to see the constant updates about how excited you are. Fuck you.

2.) Stop updating what you're doing on Twitter - Same deal. But this time it bothers me more. Stop ranting about how much packing you have to do. As far as I'm concerned, MDW is a 4-day weekend, tops. How much shit are you fucking packing? Do you plan on moving to the beach? If so, I could give two shits less. I like going on Twitter to see people make fun of some random person they don't know. Or for some philosophical shit. Not your play-by-play as to how the traffic is, where you are going, who's going with you. None of it. If I'm not involved, I don't fucking care. So leave Twitter alone. Please.

(So really the first two were for my sake, and I'm pretty much the only one who matters, so...)

3.) Avoid your parents at all costs - Unless your parents are fun as shit, which I doubt, exclude them from all of your plans. Actually, I think you should go the extra mile to ensure that you are somewhere that they won't be. I don't want to have family time, I don't want to sit and eat Chilean Sea Bass from the grill and drink wine coolers, I don't want to eat your organic, nitrates-free hot dogs, and I don't want to listen about your problems. I would prefer to be with my friends, making everyone feel awkward as I describe the parts of the male genitalia, and get hammer-drunk. These are things I can't do if mommy and daddy are around. The same reasons probably apply to you.

4.) Bring condoms - They say that the most pregnancies occur each year on Memorial Day Weekend. People are so excited for the summer that they are willing to have sex with anything that has a pulse and two legs. That's good news for me because I am ready, willing, and able. Plus, they are probably really slutty and will let you do anything you want to them. In that Kanye West/Katy Perry "E.T." song when he raps "And then Imma probe you" he has to be referring the butthole right? Every alien abduction case I ever read about includes an anal probing, not a vaginal or oral one. Well to get back on point, I think most of the girls will be up for probing this weekend as well. So add "lubrication" to your list that includes condoms.

5.) Just get hammer drunk - Even if you get stuck with your parents, everything is better when you're hammer drunk. It's even better when you're with friends. Anything can happen when everyone is smashed. Games of "Kings" in which people are getting naked, girls going to pee in laundry rooms because they are that out of it, pissing yourself, sleeping on a trampoline. All these things are possible and likely if you black out with your friends and have a group sleepover. Group sleepovers are underrated and that's usually when the most fun occurs. So it would be in your best interest to sleep with all of your friends and hope for the best. That's why we went to college, duh.

This MDW I will be alone in my room playing Dungeons & Dragons being bitter that everyone is having so much fun and having sex and being drunk and updating their Twitter and Facebook about how much fun they are having. But it will all be thanks to me that you are having that much fun. All because you read my blog and got some ideas. Ideas that only I could think of because "I am better than you."

Teen Pregnancy: Why Wait?

When a man and a woman love each other, they have what is called sex. And from sex, a baby is made. If I can recall correctly, that was what I was taught at around 9 or 10 years old. Probably because I was far advanced for my age and I asked, my mom gave me the courtesy of telling me. So despite the fact that I didn't actually SEE what sex was until I was about 13, I knew the result of it was a baby. Then I learned about condoms and all that other fun stuff. So let's shoot around 13 or 14 for when I knew what sex was and how it could be prevented. Maybe I was a late bloomer, sue me. But what I knew then seems to be a lot more than what teenagers know now. Teen pregnancy seems to be the cool thing to do now. I'm glad I'm not a teen.

I think we can start by placing the blame on Lifetime. Sometime last year they had an original movie premiere titled "The Pregnancy Pact." This movie told the story about a group of friends in some New Hampshire high school or some other liberal New England state, and the pact they made with one another to get pregnant. Ok, so high school wasn't the best 4 years I had of my life. I spent a lot of Friday nights twiddling my thumbs and twiddling other body parts. But never was I so bored that I decided to make a pact with my friends to get pregnant. It's also something I couldn't do because I'm not a sea horse. I can't make babies. I also probably couldn't have sex, but that's besides the point. A pact to get pregnant? Really? How shitty is life over there?

(Nice tagline)

Not to miss out on jumping on the bandwagon, MTV followed it up with a television program called, "Teen Mom" and now "Teen Mom 2". Since MTV only shows good, educational programming (see Jersey Shore and The Real World) they have taken a regional trend and made it a national phenomenon. What this excuse for a show does is encourage girls to get pregnant so that there's a possibility of getting onto t.v. Thankfully MTV pays the girls who are featured on the show, but they still provide the entertainment that's leading to tens of thousands of stupid girls getting pregnant. Good grief!

(Disgusting effects of being pregnant and fat)

The biggest problem I seem to have with it, is how? How are these girls getting pregnant, if it isn't voluntary? I understand that sometimes condoms break. I understand that sometimes condoms don't feel as good. Heck, I even understand if people are allergic to latex. But I also understand that birth control is relatively easy to get a hold of. Even if girls don't want to tell their moms or dads that they are sexually active, they can still make up the excuse that they want to regulate their periods, can't they? Maybe I really don't understand because I'm a boy, but I doubt it seriously.

(It's that easy)

Girls always seem to complain that taking birth control puts on excess weight. Maybe a little bit more love in the love handles or even a little bit bigger titties. I don't see that being a problem with me, so why should it be a problem for them. And really? A little excess weight? Surely you have to be kidding me? Do you know what happens when you get pregnant? You put on an upwards of 25-30 punds. And then after you eject the child out of you, some of that excess weight lingers. Forever. So yes, a little bit of excess weight now instead of a lifetime of weight that you are unable to get off. Don't worry lots of guys find stretch marks attractive.

(Doutzen Kroes, Victoria's Secret model two months after giving birth)

(Image source - infdaily)

I don't want to hear about supermodels and actresses or other famous people that lose the weight in like 20 days after giving birth. They aren't real humans. They must do massive amounts of coke or exercise 20 hours a day until all the fat is gone. So girls, don't let them lead by example because all that'll do for you is leave you depressed and disgusting. Take the extra 7 seconds before bang city putting on a condom to ensure you don't get preggers. Take that little pill to prevent baby Jesus from being created inside of you. Because being pregnant as a teen is probably the last thing you should be worrying about. It's the zits and not getting into college you should be worried about. Worried about people like me who are prettier and smarter but most importantly say, "I am better than you."