If I Was Invisible I Would Just Watch You In Your Room. Relax Clay

If I had a dollar for every time I've had a conversation about what superpower I would want if I could have any, I would have enough money to fill up a tank of gas. Throughout my supreme life, whether it be at the Boys & Girls Club, grammar school, high school, college, at home, with friends, or even with strangers at bars, I've talked about superpowers. Why? Because superpowers are pretty fuckin' cool. You get to do shit that nobody else could. Imagine being able to fly anywhere you want, without the courtesy of a private jet. Or steal all the money in the Federal Reserve. That would be so cool. So today, I've taken the liberty of jotting down some superpowers that would be neat to have and rank them in my order of preference.

5.) Super strength - I don't necessarily see this as a superpower. I went to high school with some pretty buff kids who could kick the shit out of me without even really trying. And that goes for a lot of other guys and girls that I know. There's only so much you can actually do with being really strong, so I think I'll have to pass up on this one. All that super strength can get you is a job at the circus throwing cars or bending metal or some stupid shit like that. Next.

4.) Underwater breathing - This should be higher, but I really like what's ahead. It has always been my dream to see what the bottom of the ocean looks like. Unfortunately, that is never going to happen ever. Even if I could breathe underwater, I'd only be able to go so far. Then my body would explode from all the intense pressures. Plus, I wouldn't be able to make it very far without some sort of octopus or shark eating me. Next.

3.) Mind-reading - Bam! How fuckin' cool would this be? You would technically be the smartest person in the world. You would know the answer to every question that somebody asks you, unless of course they don't know the answer. That would suck. But still, telling people what they want to hear is easily the gift that keeps on giving. You would be insatiable to women and know what your doing sexually all the time. That's what I learned from "What Women Want". Great film. Next.

2.) Flying - This was hard for me to rank second. Everything about being able to fly would be badass. You could go anywhere in the world any time you want. Mt. Everest? Be there in 3 minutes. Vietnamese jungles? There in a jiffy. Plus, you can fly up to the clouds and see if angels actually play harps on them. I'm still pretty convinced they do. And you never have to worry about perverts at the airport touching your penis and asshole ever again. That reason alone is fabulous. But not enough. Next.

1.) Invisibility - You know you want to be invisible when Clay Aiken sings a song about it and how he wants to watch you in your room. No one at the time seemed to care that those were the creepiest lyrics ever written. Ever. Now he's on Broadway in Rent! or some shit, irrelevant to society. However, being invisible would be really cool. You could go into famous celebrities houses and look at them naked, steal money from banks, or do anything that you ever really wanted to do. I was inspired after seeing Hollow Man. How Kevin Bacon didn't win a Best Actor Oscar for that performance still blows my mind. Without a doubt, the greatest love story ever told. Being invisible would be incredible. It would definitely be much cooler than beating people up, or swimming, or flying. Winner!

So as you can see, I put a lot of thought into this. I spent countless hours and too many breaths arguing with people on why my list was better than theirs. I would love to hear what kinds of superpowers you would like. Write some comments. Send me some texts. Message me on Facebook. Tweet at me. Call me on the phone. Pick me up from my house. Send me a letter in the mail. Send me a letter in the electronic mail. Write on my wall. Chat me on Facebook. Just so I know that, "I am better than you."

Wine, Pretzels, Friends And The Nobel Prize

Today I had a very long, lengthy conversation with a friend. We talked for nearly 2 hours. But we didn't talk about anything relevant to our lives. Okay maybe a little bit relevant, but not particularly. And aren't these the kinds of conversations that determine what a true friendship is? How many people can you honestly think of that you talked to steadily for a long time without many meaningful words being spoken? These people you come across in life are few and far between. So when you do find them, you should probably keep them around because they seem to be good people. And that's what I plan on doing.

I never drink wine. I have never gotten intoxicated from drinking wine. But I have drank wine. Red wine and white wine. Something about it offends me. It's typically bitter and sweet. But not bittersweet. I'm sure 99% of those reading this have tasted wine before. Maybe you are Italian and drink it on your Sunday lunch/dinner. Maybe you went to France and drank some exquisite wines like the pompous asshole you are. Or you went to Napa Valley and guzzled down some fermented grapes. Either way, wine tastes like shit. Unless of course it involves a Tour de Franzia. A classic case of binge drinking. Finish the box of win before your opponent to win!

Pretzels are a delicious snack. I can eat pretzels all day every day until my molars are filled with its remnants. I like salty pretzels, Goldfish pretzels, SuperPretzels, and chocolate-covered pretzels. M&M's Pretzels and that's all. Honey Wheat pretzels are disgusting and a travesty bestowed upon the American public. If you like Honey Wheat flavored pretzels, I no longer like you. And what's the deal with Butter Snaps? I really like butter. On bread, popcorn, or my hair, you name it I like it. But on packaged pretzels? No way Jose. Lather some up and dump it on a SuperPretzel and I'm all for it. But please don't ruin my cold pretzel with fake-flavored butter.

I really miss my friends. Sometimes I tell them I hate them and that I don't miss them because I don't want them to see how weak I am. The hardest part of college isn't leaving behind the academics and the stress and the assholes on campus who are smarter than you. The hardest part of college is missing coming home to your friends laying in bed playing Tetris or watching Tourette's Guy videos on YouTube. Wishing that somebody was around to talk to and hang out with or maybe even watch the Food Channel with. Saddle up and play Gears of War for a solid hour or two. You don't get any of that when you live at home. And it sucks. That's why I miss my friends. But don't tell them I said so.

How do I go about being nominated for a Nobel Prize? I know they have categories for Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Peace and most importantly Literature. Can someone who knows some laureates get them to nominate me for this accredited literature I produce on a daily basis? Is it too much to ask? Did you know that people who win the Nobel Prize receive a gold medal and a million dollars or so? Chances are if you're winning a Nobel Prize, money is not an issue for you. They should donate to the Human Fund or something. That's what I'm not going to do when you all help me achieve that goal.

See how easy it is to get wrapped up in all the hodgepodge? Don't you feel that much closer to me now than you did 3 minutes ago? I tend to have that effect on people. I've been told on numerous occasions that when people read the blog, they can hear my voice through the words. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I guess it evokes some kind of emotion in you. To my amigo (Spanish for "friend") that talked to me for 2 hours, who I was a piece of shit to at times, thanks for still being my friend. I appreciate your loyalty and ingenuinity. I feel like I'm growing up. Not enough to stop me from saying, "I am better than you."

Golden Globes Should Only Refer To Tits, Not Dumbass Awards Shows

Unless you live under a rock, or you're like me and don't give a shit, the Golden Globes took place last night from Los Angeles or something. But obviously some people care because it got 17 million viewers last night. Strange really. I could never understand why people took the time to watch this kind of stuff, but I suppose you could ask that about anything that somebody does. But an awards show? Really? The whole concept seems so boring and you end up watching people that are skinnier and better looking than you for 4 or 5 hours. Because you obviously need to watch the pre-pre show, followed by the pre-show, and then the actual show itself. Don't forget the after-show. L-A-M-E as shit.

If I wanted to look at an old, decrepid, and weathered face I'd spend my time at a retirement home. Joan Rivers and her repugnant daughter Melissa are easily the two most attrocious villains that I could ever draw up. It's almost as if they try to be as ugly and obnoxious as possible. Why can't these television stations find interesting, well-articulated, and good-looking people to do the interviews? Someone like me. Someone who won't pass up the chance to ask cool questions. Like to Mrs. Decker, "How many people did you sleep with before you met Andy Roddick?" Or to Natalie Portman, "Why don't you use protection, idiot?"

There should be more to life than celebrating people who already have it better than us in each and every way. By us, I mean you. They get to have sexy time with whomever they please at any given moment. They eat at all the finest dining establishments. They get paid millions and millions of dollars to play a character. It is the optimal lifestyle. People stalk you and take pictures of your every move. So I want to know what degenerate thought it was a good idea to give these people awards? It isn't enough that you people celebrate them every day? You want to give them more time to be in the limelight? It just doesn't seem to add up.

When I finally get a full-time job and become a somebody, I want to receive statues and shit at least once a year because I will be the best at what I do. I want to hold a goddamn gala celebrating all the wonderful things I did for the year. Because this is how we aggrandize these asshole celebrities every year. One of you should come to my local Wendy's at this time next year with a plaque that says 'Best Custodial Technician' and present it to me. Sounds ridiculous right? Yes, except that I want someone to give me that award. Let's stop giving people awards for doing their extremely well-paying jobs.

And to cap it all off, they party afterwards like they just lost their virginity. When I lose my virginity, I will definitely do like these famous assholes do and crush liquor and drugs. You see all these pictures on celebrity gossip sites and on t.v. and in tabloids and it looks like the greatest party I have ever been to, times 10. And that's only because I don't have any friends nor have I ever been invited to one. But I can tell that this is finally my year. 2011. Time for hope and change. Thanks Obama.

The moral of the story is the only thing good about these damn awards shows are that the women try to dress as slutty and sexy as humanly possible. They wear their Gucci, and Prada, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, and all the guys get to look at them and think what it would be like to be with them. Inside of them. Because people, emotions are the foundation of any healthy relationship. You want to be inside your partner and your partner to be inside of you. Ask Russell Brand about it. The next time somebody says Golden Globes to me, I hope they are referring to breasts because those are the best kinds of globes. If you don't agree, it doesn't matter because "I am better than you."

42 Year-Old's Shouldn't Have Children And Neither Should You

Word has come out that star of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski, 42 is preggers with her first child. Helllllloooooooooo. Well what the fuck have you been waiting for? You're 42 and just having your first child right now? And I know there isn't anything wrong with her eggs or vagina or whatever it is women use to get pregnant (I don't know I've never seen one). Because celebrities have a knack for getting the best shit around.

Look at Magic Johnson. That guy's had AIDS or is HIV positive since before some of you were born. Don't tell me that guy doesn't have some super secret high ass potency shit that's keeping him alive. I know he's one of the best basketball players of all-time, but he needs an "assist" from drugs. (Get it because he's like in the top 5 in assists in NBA History. You're supposed to laugh.)

So since celebrities can do some cool ass shit with their money, why couldn't this goofball shoot out a baby earlier in life? I know she was on that shitty ass television program 'Ally McBeal' and that probably setback any penis that was considering going near her hoo-ha, but that was like 14 years ago. Get over it and have a fucking child already. Next thing you know she's gonna pop out a kid with like three heads and six arms. I'm just glad I'm not that kid's daddy.

That reminds me of an argument I had with some college roommates. As we suffered through another shit episode of that "sitcom" 30 Rock, we discussed who we would rather fornicate with. Jane Krakowski or Tina Fey. Since my opinion is the only one that matters I chose Tina Fey. She's funny, smart, an excellent writer (like me), and wears glasses. That's like every guy who has ever watched porn's dream. Believe me. I know.

I think we ended up split as to who was hotter or sexier or whatever. But now, it's clear that Tina Fey is the correct choice. As if there was any doubt about it. Which leads me to the point of this very credible blog posting. Nobody reading this should consider having a child. And no, not because you're only 19-24 years of age. Or however old you perverts are. But because we shouldn't be polluting the Earth with more crap.

Don't you read the newspapers or Iamaliberal.org? Our country is hurting because of this so called "global warming". Yeah global warming. Go talk to Al "Dipshit" Gore about the global warming I am experiencing right now. Two feet of snow on Christmas weekend and another six inches or so today. And this global warming is causing the colder temperatures? What kind of chickenshit bullshit do you people believe?

So aside from being ugly, stupid, ignorant, and gullible you should refrain from having children because in all likelihood, they won't end up anywhere near as good as me. And I have one sole reason for that, because "I am better than you."

Mega Millions, More Like Mega Horseshit

If you were one of say, I dunno, a lot of people to have played the lottery last night, it appears you lost. The final jackpot came out to $380 million, the second largest jackpot in the history of these here United States of America. It also turns out that we have two winners. Some dipshit from Idaho and another rascal from Washington. What the hell is an Idaho anyway? Is that some sort of Indian name? Excuse me. Native American name. Who lives in Idaho? What kinds of things do they do there?

I bet the guy who won it (I don't think they're allowed to have girls live there) name's Jeb or Willy or something dumb. I can see it now, reading his press release with the other dipshit liberal winner, "Oh golly I dern been playin' da lottery for 2o-suttin odd years now. I can't believe I done won it. Aww heck I'm gonna buy me a dandy potato farm." Way to go Idaho. Instead of letting a person from a real state win the lottery, you had to oblige and sell tickets there.

And what kind of dumbass numbers were drawn? Holy shit, I feel like I can't avoid that fucking 'Lost' show. I'm embarrassed I ever laid eyes on that worthless piece of shit program. But enough about that. All day yesterday I saw articles published on accredited websites, such as Yahoo! (and that's the only place I get my news from). But out of all the one articles I read it posed the question, what would you do with $355 million dollars?

Let me think. Since I'm going to have that much money in due time, I don't have to dream about it. However, for the average person, like you, it serves as a great question. Most of you will probably answer with a house, a vacation house, clothes, and fucking stupid 3d televisions. Unfortunately, you are leaving out the most important things. Like a lifetime supply of McDonald's, llamas, fountains spewing Sir Francis Drake, and gold statues depicting me.

As I grow older and become more and more wise, especially more than you, it's plain to see that winning the lottery is a false dream for people of my caliber, or even you. Those who are privileged to win the lottery must be from states that end in vowels. Like Idaho or Virginia, or Alabama or Louisiana, Mississippi and Georgia, the Carolinas, and even Florida. It's no small wonder to me that all the hick states in this absolutely wonderful country seem to end in vowels. There are others too, but you already knew that. And I chose to ignore Washington because they are all hippies and depressed because it rains 300 days a year.

In conclusion, don't play the lottery unless a) you are an uneducated hick, b) you enjoy losing, or c) you need me to reiterate to you that I didn't play because "I am better than you."