I Started Working, I Moved To Virginia, My Leg Is Going To Fall Off. I'm Going To Try Blogging Again

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since my last blog post and these are my sins. Just kidding. We all know I don't believe in that hocus pocus, hodge-podge, religious bullshit. My goodness it feels great to start writing again. I'm sorry to all my devoted readers who would spend countless hours reading up on the things that piss me off. Or to the other reader who just wants something to waste their time. But I promise to write more on schedule than usual, it's just that I was structuring my life for the past few weeks to see what would be expected of me. It turns out that I don't have to give up writing politically incorrect blog posts, but I wouldn't have anyway. So onto my current life.

I started working on August 1. It's a decent sized company with mostly all dudes. And no that's not what I prefer. But sometimes you've got to roll with the punches. As for a typical day...I wake up every morning at 7:10. I proceed to bathe myself to get myself invigorated. I eat breakfast at roughly 7:30-7:35. I get to work at 7:50. And then I cold call people from 8-12, when I go out for lunch. I get back at 1 and cold call from 1-5:30. I get home around 6 and lay in bed and watch television until I go to sleep at 11. That's my life in a nut shell. I wake up to work and then get home and go to sleep. Cool.

Many times throughout the course of my life, people have said to me, "If you find a job that you love doing, you'll never work a day in your life." Fuck you asshole. You can love what you're doing, but it's still work. What kind of idiot do you have to be? And don't tell me not to take things so literally. That's the only way to take things. I'm a man. I don't beat around the bush. I don't play games. I speak my mind and that's all. Take it or leave it. But aside from that I love my job. I know cold calling seems like it's the worst thing to do in the history of the world, but the environment I work in is incredible. Everybody is incredibly nice. The atmosphere is very relaxed, despite the fact that people are cranking out phone calls all day. I couldn't fit in a more reasonable place.

Enough with work. So I moved to Virginia. I found a room for rent on Craigslist, looked at it, loved it, and moved in. One roommate is clean, one is straight-up German, and the other is Chinese. I pretty much live with the United Nations. Unfortunately, the German and Chinese guys are moving out and soon I'll have new roommates. And you never know what kind of freaks are going to come marching through that door. So I'm making it a point to see them first. They need to like sports, girls, beer, and potpourri. If they don't meet all of those criteria, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say "No." Liberals.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in West Virginia. I had a reunion with a whole bunch of people that I hadn't seen since graduation. It was a really great time. It consisted of a pig roast and gallons and gallons of beer. From the moment I got there to the moment I left, somebody was drinking. If that isn't dedication to a good time, I don't know what is. The first three weeks here have left my salivating anticipating the next weekend because I don't know what's going to happen. And before I forget. I got bit by a spider on Saturday. It was the most itchy experience of my entire life. Today, Tuesday, it has turned a nice shade of purple. I'm not one to care about anything, but good lordie I needed to get this shit checked out.

I go to an urgent care center and the doctor takes a look at my leg. He tells me there's nothing to be concerned with, for now, because the bite is only superficial. If it busts open, then it's time for panic mode. That's when infection can make its way in and my leg can get severed. Thanks, doc. I wasn't at all nervous or skeptical before you had told me that and I definitely have no reason to now. Idiot. So here's to hoping that I have my leg next week or the week after or however long it takes for the poison to travel. This will be my payback for being perfect.

I saw my old roomie who joined the Peace Corps in Ethiopia. He's doing well. I miss him. I saw Brian, Melissa, Jonny, Russ, Parker, and more this weekend, too. You don't know how much you truly miss something until it's gone. And that holds true to everything in life. Take this blog for instance. When all of you goobers came clicking around for it and saw that I hadn't updated for what seemed like eternity, you probably thought I retired it. Wrong. I'll never retire it until I turn 25 or something. Because I still have way toooooo many reasons to tell you that "I am better than you."

I Fucking Hate Hipsters

Who decided that it was okay to be a hipster? From the dumb plaid shirts, to the 1970s porn star moustaches, to the skinny girl jeans, to the big fake black-horned rim glasses, finally to cases and cases of PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). Everything that hipsters do is dumb. Essentially, they are the previous generation's kids who shopped at Hot Topic. Remember what kind of losers shopped at Hot Topic? They sold Marilyn Manson t-shirts, Pink Floyd trucker hats, and coffin backpacks. And these derelicts would go in, buy some spikes as their earrings, hair coloring for their mohawk, and other dumb graphic t-shirts. And they would go to school dressed like fucking idiots and call themselves goths. Then they would get made fun of and explain to the rest of us that they were expressing their individuality and people didn't "understand" them.

Here's what I understand. People don't like you because you suck. You suck big dick. You think you're shopping at Hot Topic to showcase your individuality, but what those idiots failed to realize was that they were actually conforming to the same ideology. Nothing about them was unique. I can see the same thing happening now across the populated parts of the country. Kids showing up to school, claiming they are artsy and how they have such a passion for music and doing liberal things like going to foreign countries and farming for them. Hey dick clowns, find something original to do.

Ever heard of the Peace Corps? You know what they do, right? They go to impoverished countries and utilize the resources in order to make that particular city more viable for the future generations. Going to do some farming work is NOT original, nor does it seem like a lot or any fun. And as far as I'm concerned, we have a lot of farms in America. A whole bunch. Why don't you work on those farms so we can eliminate the pesticides that farmers need to use to make the quota for all the product they have to move? All of our food can become organic and maybe obesity will drop because we won't be eating chemicals. You hipsters are liberals, aren't you? My idea should sound fucking brilliant.

I also never quite understood why it's such a big deal to like things that only you know about. Like the band, Vampire Weekend or some 80s synthesizing band. They've been around for a long time now, but since they've hit the mainstream a bit and "sold-out", they've fallen out of favor with the pussy-boy hipster crowd. I thought people liked things because they actually liked them? Who gives a flying fuck if everyone else likes it too? That should never change your feelings on something if it's completely unwarranted. That's clearly why people don't like hipsters. They've created this image that they are above and beyond everything and everyone else. Go fuck yourselves loser assholes.

And don't get me started with the drug use. As if these dickheads invented marijuana or wild mushrooms. "Let's smoke some pot." No Bill. "Let's do shrooms instead." Dope. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dope? Dope? That word was cool in the 80s. It isn't cool anymore. Stop trying to bring it back. These are also the same virgins that love watching Donnie Darko and trying to unravel all of its deep mysteries. That movie fucking sucks. Jake Gyllenhaal is a terrible fucking actor. Time travel is not real. Neither are talking rabbits named Frank. Stop analyzing that shitty movie and accept it for what it is: Shitty. You fucking pieces of shit are no better than anyone or anything because once again you conformed to society by not conforming. Your taste in things is awful as are your cutoff jorts (jean shorts). Grow up and be yourself for once. I've always been myself because "I am better than you."

My Final Posting

Well fellow blog readers, I have some terrible news. This post will indeed be my last posting. I started this blog in the beginning of January and made it to April. 56 posts later and here we are. Nothing has changed, nothing is different. I used this blog as a forum to help get over a relationship that was very meaningful to me. One that absorbed nearly 3 years of my life and it ended. Just like that. I was also having some trouble with my living situation and being unemployed got to me physically and mentally. You start to doubt yourself and things that you are capable of and fall into this depression. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't need that to happen, so I took to blogging.

What this did was allow me to write in a forum where I could say anything I wanted. There are no restrictions, no limitations. From my very first post about horrorscopes and how fucking stupid I think they are, to my very last post about the 2011 baseball season. I covered many topics and ranted about things I believe in, don't believe in, and everything in between. The support I have garnered from all of you who had read was truly remarkable and I couldn't be more appreciative. You truly inspired me to keep writing even if you didn't agree with a lot of what I was saying. Here's to you.

Since I don't want to end on an unhappy note I thought I would spend this last posting talking about some of my favorite posts and topics in general. Just most recently, the one-named celebrities was one of my favorites. I think I gave a good account of some of the most popular ones and added some hilarious commentary about why I liked or didn't like them. Plus the pictures were pretty sweet. Sting without a shirt. Prince in the fetal position. Superb. The Disney princesses was also pretty swell. We all thought about "doing them" so why not write about it. Instant classic.

Describing the existence of aliens took me from 6 to midnight. I love watching The X-Files because I'm a huge nerd and that show revolves around paranormal activity and extraterrestrial life. So trying to prove my point in showing how they were real was a personal fave. And how disgusting are people in our country? The post about Skype sex being dangerous gets hits left and right. People in our country are genuinely concerned about whether or not it is safe to do. Of course it is you fucking idiots. What could possibly go wrong besides someone walking in on you? As if they don't touch their private parts. But geez Louise, stop being so God-damned perverted.

It was also really hard for me to open up the way that I did about my relationship. All my friends knew how I was feeling and members of my family saw what I was going through. But to put it in a public forum for the world to see showed a lot of growth on my part and what I think was some of my best writing because it was so emotionally charged. The best is that it was a steady stream of writing. No pauses to collect my thoughts. It just came all naturally. That's why I think that may have been the best post in terms of quality and emotional appeal. Thanks to you February 17.

In closing, I'd like to reiterate my thanks to all of you who read the blog on a consistent basis. I got my inspiration from my former roommate who is doing some really great things in Ethiopia right now and blogging about it. If you don't know what the web address is I will provide it to you right now: waidsworld.wordpress.com. It seriously puts my blog to shame because the quality is so much better and he's a genuinely good, nice person. Again thank you all for the continued support and I hope that we can speak again soon. Until then...

APRIL FOOLS!!

You fucking morons! Did you actually think I was going to stop writing? I haven't even begun to emphasize the thousands of ways "I am better than you."

Fat Tuesday: Jesus, Junk Food, And Jugs All Rolled Into One

Fat Tuesday, also commonly referred to as Mardi Gras, is a Christian holiday that was first celebrated the day prior to Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. For my intelligent, non-Christian/Catholic readers out there, let me explain the concept of Lent. Lent is the 40-day period in which Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice - his life. It is during this time, Christians are supposed to pray and confess their sins in the preparation of Jesus's resurrection. Somewhere along the line, the idea to add a sacrifice of our own was presented and has stuck to this very day. So Fat Tuesday was the day to eat up all your junk food and all other fatty foods for the fasting and praying associated with Lent. Christianity, you slay me.

Growing up in my super conservative, Catholic household, I loathed Fat Tuesday. I was required to give up something that I loved for 40 days. One year was soda. Another year was soda. I was never stupid enough to give up something that I actually really liked. Why the fudge would I? 40 days without video games as a 10-year-old during the school year is like listening to a Barbra Streisand album on repeat. Giving up on ESPN for more than one day was something I could never do. I guess this alleged Jesus was better than me, but why shouldn't he be? His father was supposedly God. He immediately has a distinct and unfair advantage over me.

Yesterday my mom told me that today is Fat Tuesday. Since I haven't been to church in a solid 8 years, I had no idea. And I know for a fact what her intention was in bringing up such a controversial topic. She wants me to give up something for 40 days. Despite all my protests as a youth and my bashing of Catholicism on a bi-weekly basis, I would assume such a comment would not be made. But when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. (Did you see what I did there?) So I thought for 2.3 seconds about sacrificing something. I decided nothing would suffice.

The only reason I actually considered doing something so silly was because I have two close friends doing some wonderful things right now. One is in Ethiopia in the Peace Corps and the other is teaching English in Turkey. I'm pretty sure that I have a shit ton more material things and necessary things than they both do combined. Maybe I can generate some sympathy in what's left in my heart and do something to show my respect for what they are doing. That's when I woke up.

Mardi Gras has become the embodiment of the American Dream. Everyone goes to New Orleans for Spring Break to get excessively drunk and naked. They give you beads for showing your tits for Christ's sake. Our culture turned something that had some sort of discernible meaning into a complete shitshow that involves sluts getting porked on balconies and showing titties for worthless beads. This is why I choose to not sacrifice anything. It has become a mockery. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be in New Orleans right now doing the above-mentioned things, but I have more important things to do. Like blog, for instance. I hope you learned something important today. That "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://officejet.files.wo

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