There's A Lot Of Snow In New Jersey And Charlie Sheen's Nose. I'm Also Running A Half-Marathon!

A follow up to a blog I posted a little while back about Charlie Sheen. Well it seems that last night he bought a suitcase full of coke and proceeded to snort about a brick of it. His body then went into some sort of crazy shock and now he's in the hospital for a probable overdose. And you thought I was kidding when I said that he was a maverick. This man clearly does not want to be alive anymore because all he's doing is blowing lines and fucking prostitutes/porn stars. Like a stud. A life that surely went awry somewhere.

Because he must be near shitting the bed, all of his close family was there with him at the hospital today, reportedly. Even Denise Richards, his sexy ass ex-wife came to see him. Why? I don't know but that's gotta be some serious ass shit. This should be a lesson to anyone who plans on becoming famous. Be careful with your cocaine use because it'll make you extremely fun and the life of the party. And that's a negative? But enough about that guy already. Let's talk about a different kind of snow. Like the one that falls from the sky every winter.

The shithole state of New Jersey is now experiencing the most snowfall in a month on record. We got something like 4 feet in just January alone! I can't fucking stand it. I go outside once a week, twice at most. And all I see is brown-colored snow everywhere. There is legitimately nowhere to put it anymore. Did I mention how ugly it is? Snow used to be cool when you were a kid because you get to play in it and build forts and pee in it. But now as an adult, it brings nothing but grief. Watching my mom shovel out her car today for an hour and a half was disheartening.

All the snow brings is muscle pain and fatigue. Shoveling and shoveling and more shoveling. I felt so bad for her, but what was I supposed to do? Well I'll tell you what I did. I lay under my comfy ass comforter and drank some hot chocolate. It was very warm and inviting. When my mom came back in, I asked her to prepare me something for lunch. I guess the more I talk about it, the more I like what the snow brings. In fact, I hope it snows for the remainder of the season. That way I can continue to pamper myself and reap the rewards of others.

Anywho. I was productive a little bit today, however. My sister signed us up for a half-marathon in May. It's going to be the first time I run somewhat seriously in five years. Five fucking years. And what should make all of you sick and jealous is that I'm still in elite shape. I'm probably even faster than a cheetah. I wouldn't bet against me. Training starts in March since I can't run in all this snow. Perhaps my mom can shovel my block's entire sidewalk. That would be beneficial. Regardless, if anyone is interested, and I know that noone is, I expect some signs that cheer me on at the finish line. Something like "You're fast as fuck", "Beat that cripple!", or "You ARE better than me". Because you can't write, "I am better than you."

Charlie Sheen Is A Maverick And Nicolas Cage Is The Shittiest Actor Ever

Every once in a while someone comes along that redefines life as we know it. A maverick, a maven. Somebody you would consider calling Primetime. I had the privilege of appointing all of these nicknames to myself over the course of my life. But another man deserves some credit too. If you don't know who I'm talking about then just read the title dummy. Charlie Sheen has crossed boundaries that put him in the legendary record books. No one will do the things Charlie Sheen does and be considered cool for the next 20 years. Let us embrace him.

After doing a shit-ton of movies that nobody saw because they were pretty fucking awful, Charlie disappeared into the abyss for a couple of years. He returned in 2002 or so with the not-so-funny sitcom "Two and a Half Men." Every episode of that show has been the same since it premiered all those years ago. But this here is a celebration of a class act and genuinely nice guy.

Last year he entered rehab for a sex addiction and probably a drug addiction too. Then a couple of months ago he threatened a porn star while high on coke and locked her in the bathroom. And just this past weekend he had an orgy with 3 more pornstars. If this guy does any cooler shit, he might be allowed to be spoken in the same sentence as me. Oh shit. Regardless, Charlie Sheen is getting by on his knack for coke and having sex with whores. The ideal life.

Which leads me to his polar opposite. Nicolas Cage. He can be identified as the worst actor of all-time. If you don't believe me watch Ghost Rider for 4 minutes. And what's most sad about that last statement is that Ghost rider isn't even the worst movie he's done in the past 5 years. Have you ever heard of "Knowing"? Or what about "The Wicker Man"? If you ever have some free time, take a look at his IMDB page and let me know what you think about this clowndick. Whereas Charlie Sheen gets away with shitty acting by fornicating with lots of women and doing cool drugs, Nic Cage does not get away with it because he's stupid.

Name one good movie of Nicolas Cage's that you've seen in the past 10 years. I bet you can't do it. Because in all honesty he has never done a good film. Not one. Not ever. 'Con Air' was lame as shit. 'Gone In 60 Seconds' was a remake and it was still shit. 'The Rock' was a wrestler in the late 90s. No good has ever come from anything Nic Cage has been associated with. 'Face-Off'? Holy fucking shit I almost had a seizure after watching that whack production. I will never watch another Nic Cage movie ever again.

So when our children have conversations when we get older, or should I say my children because none of you will get married or have kids because you are too ugly and stupid, they will ask me "Daddy, who did you like as an actor when you were a little shit?" (and he'll curse too because I won't raise a pussy). I'll tell little whatever his name is, "I liked Charlie Sheen because he got to fuck a lot of people when he was in his prime. But I didn't like Nicolas Cage because 'The Wicker Man' was the worst spent 2 hours of my life. Even worse than waiting for your birth." And then we'll take a shot of pomegranate Burnett's and sing a song that goes something like this, "I am better than you."