Veganism: The Key To Living A Happy And Healthy Lifestyle

It's been nearly 6 months since I last wrote a post and I figure now is as good a time as ever to write another one. Lots and lots of thoughts have been circulating in my brain during this timeframe, but none worth putting into writing. That is until today. They say that when you're going through a lot, it's best to write it down. It's easier to write than say out loud or some bullshit like that. Well, I want to do my part. I want to help those who might be going through some shit right now as well. I dedicate this post to something that currently is the key to helping me live a happy and healthy lifestyle. Strap on your strap-ons because shit's about to get fucked.

Veganism. If you can recall any of my rants last year, mostly all of them had to do with being a liberal to some degree. Voting for Obama under several different aliases, going to summer camp, buying Apple products, etc. Unfortunately for me, things have changed. I purchased an iPhone because I can afford it. I worked at a summer camp for the second consecutive year (who would let me around children?). I'm still not voting for Obama. But something new has been instilled in me. Becoming a vegan.

It's changed my life. It's great not eating any animals. Fish, poultry, beef. They're all terrible for you, but more importantly, it's cruel to animals. But I want to take it one step further. Let's not eat anything that's ever been alive. That includes vegetables, fruits, other shit that grows in the ground, you name it. I don't want to be cruel or vicious to anything that's ever been alive. I've thought of a great name for this new idealogy. We can call it...RETARDATION. Fuck you. I'll eat what I want, when I want it. Being a vegan is pretty much being a virgin, except worse.

I just read some bullshit article about some has-been actress named Anjelica Huston crying about the upcoming CareerBuilder.com Super Bowl commercial. The commercial features infant monkeys that are fully trained doing menial tasks in the workplace. It's supposed to be funny because there are humans in the ad too and they get frustrated working with these monkeys (dumbasses). So the point of the commercial is to use careerbuilder to find a different job where you can work with people who are smarter than monkeys. Makes sense, right?

I thought so, but what about this buffoon? No, that isn't a picture of one of the monkeys. That's Anjelica Huston. She's been in about zero good movies and looks menacing. I wouldn't have sex with her if you gave me $30. She went on this whole rant about the working conditions on the set of this commercial. Ripping these infant monkeys away from their mothers in captivity just so we can use them to film a "funny" television commercial. It's cruel and inhumane and no one is laughing about it. A quote from Ms. Huston, “Innovative companies use animatronics or computer-generated imagery. … These chimpanzees are set to endure a lifetime of abuse for your 30-second spot—a point that no thinking person will find funny in the least.” It isn't innovative is they all do it, is it now Anjelica?

She's like an unpaid spokeswoman for PETA. The same people who do things like this:

I mean I can respect people who choose to go the vegetarian route, heck even being a vegan. But don't shove it down my fucking throat and give off the impression that you're better than me or some shit. Because that shit won't fly. Not here. Not anywhere. Maybe I like my mink coat and my tiger carpet. But it's my prerogative (Britney Spears insert). As you can see, not much has changed with me and by not much I mean nothing at all. I plan on continuing to write because for some odd reason, I've gotten more viewers to look at the blog when I wasn't writing than when I was. My only guess? "I am better than you."

March Madness Is Turning Out To Include More Than Just College Basketball

In what could be considered the second National Sports holiday of the year, first being the Super Bowl, the NCAA Tournament officially started today. In all we have 16 games that are played on both Thursday and Friday and then reduced in half hereinafter. For me, this is personally my favorite day of the year. I always get that false hope of getting a perfect bracket and winning shit tons of money. But since I have a pretty tight grasp on all things sports, my bracket always gets fucked up around 5:00 pm Thursday. But it's the excitement of the games that gets my blood boiling. However, this tournament start date also marked St. Patrick's Day, the alcoholic's holiday. How elegant.

This year March 17 turned out to be incredible in more ones than one. I got to lay in bed all day and watch every single game. I didn't get to drink in the fuckin' awesome 60 degree weather. My amigos from college aren't even in the country anymore. And I kept seeing commercials for Buffalo Wild Wings. It is easily the greatest chain restaurant in the United States with the most delicious wing sauces. It actually pained me to sit and watch these commercials come one after the other. It's almost as if I punished someone and this was my payback. But I didn't. I'm a good person.

(How fuckin' flashy is this? Literally.)

Why do people celebrate St. Patrick's Day? I wrote earlier this month about how I was being a drunkard all day celebrating this joyous holiday, but for what reason? My religious beliefs are null-and-void, my nationality is not Irish (it's worse), and I hate the color green. My friend is kind of lucky that he is colorblind because I think green is one of the colors he can't see. It comes out brown or something. Green is such a stupid color. I don't like anything green. And what's the deal with corned beef and sauerkraut? My mom was pushing that shit all day on me. I didn't become Jewish today, why would I want that stuff? I just don't get it, but like I said, it's just an excuse for Americans to get drunk. That's fine.

To also go along with the theme, the disaster in Japan is getting worse by the day. My uncle is terrified that those nuclear reactors are going to explode, if they haven't already, and has been drinking iodized salt water to counter it. If you are like me and have no idea why he was doing it, the reason is simple. Iodine is a chemical solution that helps prevent radioactive materials from entering into the thyroid gland. If it does enter, it could become cancerous. I think his strategy is a little pre-emptive because we don't even know for sure that those nuclear materials will even make it here. This is where the madness is really occurring.

I read an article today in between games that warned of the dangers of taking potassium iodine, KI, as a preventative measure as opposed to a necessary one. They sell it in pills over-the-counter in the drug stores around the country, but due to the panic, has been sold out since late last week. It makes me nervous because maybe these people know something that I don't know. Or they are overreacting for the time being. Who's to say? Not me. You have to imagine that we aren't going to hear all the truths over the media, but I'd hope they'd tell us if our lives/health was at serious risk. But that's enough about that.

March should be a month that focuses on the upcoming warm-ish weather. The start of baseball and college basketball at it's finest. I'm sure when the time comes around, I'll be writing about Opening Day 2011. But what I hate most about March is the onslaught of allergies that attack me. I wish my mom wasn't such a dweeb and had an impenetrable immune system? that would prevent my body from feeling like shit for a week or two. Sore throats are the worst, but trying to go to sleep with a clogged nose isn't very thrilling either. And then you wake up with a dry mouth because you're breathing through it like an asshole. Atrocious. So I actually kind of hate March for that reason. I'm sorry I wasn't funny today. Or any other day for that matter. I can't help that "I'm better than you."

St. Patrick's Day Has Come Early. Why America Drinks For No Reason

March 17 is a "national" holiday. I say "national" because people still have work on it, but it's considered to be something that everyone celebrates in some regard. It is on this day that we all become Irish. Looking back at what I was taught growing up, St. Patrick's Day was a day to celebrate an Irishmen who lifted the boundaries on the Catholic teaching and became an icon of sorts. So we celebrate in America because we are all Catholic? No, I'm mistaken. We celebrate it because we are all Irish. Nope, that doesn't sound right either. The real reason we celebrate it is because Americans are alcoholics and find it necessary to get hammered for no real reason.

Think about it. There appears to be one day in every month that we find a reason to get fucked up. In January, we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day, February has the Super Bowl, March has St. Patty's, April has my birthday, May has Cinco de Mayo (Mexican Independence), June has Flag Day, July has Independence Day, August has the end of summer day somewhere in there, September has Labor Day, October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving, and December has Christmas or Hanukkah. There you have it. A run-down of all the reasons we find to drink as a country. Why?

Alcoholism. Mitch Hedburg once said, "Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having." But let's be honest with ourselves. Deep down we are all a little bit alcoholics. Who's to say that a glass of wine or 2 with dinner is wrong? Or watching Legends of the Hidden Temple and having a drink every time Kirk Fogg touches a kid. It's okay to have a drinking problem, as long as you don't drive or beat the shit out of your partner, Chris Brown. Life presents some very difficult challenges and stresses, and sometimes the only way to alleviate it is with a drink. But you shouldn't get carried away.

Beerfest is a film that celebrates the kookiness and spontaneity of drinking. Games and chugging contests. What isn't fun about drinking? Nothing. Everything is fun. You get to make excuses for making out with ugly people or doing worse things. You get to throw up and/or dry-heave for a solid 5-10 minute ab workout. Heck, you can even find a reason to sleep-in the whole next day. Of course we find days to drink. Everything about it is great. Everything that is but the almighty hangover. How some freakshows never end up with one is beyond me, but maybe, just maybe one day, I'll figure out the mystery to end the hangover. It's more important than world hunger, in my opinion.

This weekend is going to be a real special one for me. I'm going to see some friends from college for the first time since I left their beautiful faces in May. Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine that it was that long ago. But time flies when you're unemployed and living at home. So I would like to take this time to thank Mr. St. Patrick for finding three-leaf-clovers and keeping the tradition of Catholicism alive and prevalent. Because without you Patty, us Americans would have to find another reason to get tanked. But I won't need another reason to tell you, "I am better than you."

***Photo courtesy of http://unrealitymag.com/wpcon

tent/uploads/2009/05/beerfest_das_boot.jpg

Gisele Bundchen Has The Face Of A Horse. A Really Ugly Horse

Of all the fantastic models and angels that I get to see from watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show or stealing my mom's catalog that she gets in the mail, one angel in particular has struck me as disgusting. Some of you will know her better as Tom Brady's wife. The others will know her as the former face of Victoria's Secret. The horse in question is none other than Gisele Bundchen. Considering that I have impeccable taste in women, I decided that I will critique Mrs. Brady for the horse that she is.

Before you are outraged by such claims, why don't you google her. Look at her pictures and tell me that she doesn't look like a horse. Call me on the telephone or text me or comment or whatever you do to communicate with someone and tell me she doesn't look like a horse. That way I won't have to speak to you ever again because I know that you have a thing for horses. Aside from the stunning physique she inhibits, her face is a massacre. If I had to rate that massacre I would say it would be more violent than the Boston Massacre or the one with the farmers that I can't remember the name.

She legitimately has zero sex appeal and if she approached me at a bar and I had no idea who it (because she's an animal) was, I would scoff and make her buy me a drink. Because I'm a gentlemen for not neighing. Her face is so long and horrendous that I would consider her on par with Sarah Jessica Parker. Easily the ugliest celebrity in the history of the world. And boy oh boy is that saying a lot. I've never been more appalled by an angel in my whole life. I don't know whose weiner she put in her mouth to get that gig but it must have been the head honcho.

What upsets me most about Gisele is not that she was making $35-40 million a year, modeling or whatever it is that horses do, but the fact that she married Tom Brady. Tom Brady was America's Sweetheart circa 02 when the Patriots made that miraculous run in the playoffs and upended the Rams in the Super Bowl. He could have gotten with anyone and everyone in the A-list celebrity circuit and he settled on Gisele Bundchen all those years later? You've got to be kidding me.

I also don't know what it is with people I associate with either. I seem to be in the minority on my feelings towards this wombat, but that is because nobody has eyes that spot perfection like me. Sometimes I can look at myself in the mirror for hours on end because it truly is a reflection of perfection. God was clearly having a really good day when He created me because I've never seen anything else quite like it. I narrowly missed winning the award for Best Looking Male in 2010 by People Magazine. It's not small wonder that I sometimes see people staring at me as I walk confidently down the street or through the bars of some neighboring cities.

Regardless, if you find Gisele Bundchen attractive you need to get some medication for your affinity towards finding animals attractive, especially that of the horse. Because frankly she's disgusting and I'm glad Alessandra has taken the ball and run with it. Victoria's Secret made the best decision in their company's history when they let that washed-up Mr. Ed leave the runway and start a family with the quarterback of the Patriots. However it would have been in the best interest of Tom to pick a better model to settle down with. Doofus.

So next time you flip through your channels and you come across a Victoria's Secret commercial think of how lucky you are that you don't have to watch that mule flaunt her long, heinous face on the television anymore. Or when you sort through your mom's mail looking for the newest VS catalog and it isn't there, it's because I came and took it first, simply because "I am better than you."