Woes Of The Wingman. How Going Out Without One Is Deadly

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New Studies Suggest 1 in 38 Children May Have Autism. That Scares The Shit Out Of Me

If you're hoping for some comedy, there probably isn't going to be much today. I read an article today about how a Yale study has recently discovered that 1 in 38 children have some type of autism spectrum disorder. (http://www.care2.com/causes/health-policy/blog/new-study-reveals-a-shocking-1-in-38-children-may-have-autism/) The CDC (Center for Disease Control) recently had the numbers at 1 in 100. That's more than double the previous results. As unlucky and unfortunate as I consider myself to be sometimes, I've always held my health in the highest regard. I'm someone who rarely gets sick, minus the common cold every year or so. But other than that, no distinguishable health concerns. I can breathe, walk, run, smile, hear, and think with absolutely no trouble. Having a child with autistic-like tendencies scares the shit out of me.

I suppose the biggest concern I have is that there seems to be nowhere to point the finger. Nobody knows what seems to be causing the "sickness". Is it the absurd amount of innoculations we are required to receive? Can it be all the foods we ingest containing high fructose corn syrup and God only knows what else? Is it old sperm? Is it something our parents were introduced to in their youth? I don't have any of the answers to the questions I just asked. But could it be that we are also overdiagnosing it, much like we do with A.D.D.? Again, I'm not a doctor.

But this also poses a moral dilemma for me. If you knew right now that having a child within the next 5 years would cause it to be autistic, would you? Is that something you think you might be able to handle? Because I'm not quite sure I could. I've never had a child, so I don't know the feelings that come with it. It seems like most parents love their children regardless of what their health or mental issues are. Both my mom and my sister work extensively on a day-to-day basis with children who suffer from autism, and I've seen it first hand. Imagine the terrible two's and multiply it by 10. Every day is seemingly a struggle.

This article I read also made it a point to suggest that autism is not only prevalent in the United States, mainly New Jersey and California, but also all around the globe. The problem with diagnosing it around the world is that the doctors don't necessarily know what they are diagnosing. It's all foreign to them (no pun intended) and are just learning now how to assess it. Autism is almost like an epidemic that can span the entire globe and change the future forever. Although there are highly functioning autistics, the majority need constant watching and support. A very scary thought indeed.

And to think that autism has been around for a good length of time. Ever heard of "Rain Man"? It seems to be a popular reference amongst people I communicate with. The general idea is that the man (Dustin Hoffman) has an incredible mind, but lacks severely in social skills. He goes to Vegas and counts cards and cleans up at the blackjack tables, but needs his brother (Tom Cruise) to string him along. And that movie was made in the 80s. So have we broadened our definition as to what autism is, or is it becoming more of a hazard as the years pass?

It's important not to confuse autism with mental retardation. The two are nothing alike and it's a shame that so many people associate it as such. Many autistics are very intelligent, but like I mentioned before, suffer in the social aspect of life. If you want to learn more about autism and how it's affecting a large chunk of not only America, but the world, log on to http://www.autismspeaks.org/ and look up some information. Also, is it wrong of me to want to have a healthy child? Or is that just what all people hope for? Either way, I hope you learned something new today. "I am better than you."

Apple Was Named The World's Most Valuable Brand. Time To Move Out Of Liberal Earth

It's a really good thing I believe in extraterrestrial life because I think it's about time that I get the hell off of this planet. Today it was announced at the "I Could Give Two Shits Less About Liberals" press conference that Apple has become the world's most valuable brand. It surpassed the likes of Google, IBM, McDonald's, and Microsoft. Well, bravo Mr. Steve Jobs. You finally set out and accomplished your lifelong goal of turning conservative America into a haven for pompous liberals. You are, essentially, the living version of "The Brain".

(The similarities are uncanny)

It all started for me way back in high school. iPods became the cool, new trendy gadget to own and if you didn't own an iPod mini, you didn't have any friends. So instead of being my own unique person, I followed the trail set before me and got an iPod mini for Christmas. It was silver and a mighty piece of shit. Not only did the battery last for no longer than 45 minutes, it was only 4 gb. For those of you reading who don't know anything about technology, that's miniscule. It got me about 1,000 songs to listen to. Big whoopty do.

(Great color scheme)

Then I made it to college and my very Jewish and liberal friend owned a MacBook Pro. As if the standard issue Dell or HP wasn't good enough, he went out of his way to purchase a Macbook. Who do you think you are? Better than all your suitemates with your fancy, silver gloss laptop and remote control? As if laying in bed under the covers in 95 degree heat playing Tetris wasn't enough of a reason for us to hate you, you had to do it with an Apple product. The tide was beginning to turn for me on the Apple company in general. But wait, it gets worse.

I don't know if you've heard of it, but something called an iPhone? It's like an iPod, but it can surf the interweb and play music and according to the commercial, blow you. I've personally seen it rob the lives of two people close to me. It's like they put some sort of hypnotizing agent in the screen that prevents you from turning away. Anytime something is mentioned that you don't know it becomes, "Wait, let me look it up." I don't need to know at that exact moment of time because I'll forget about it in about 15 seconds. I also don't want to see your face when we're on the phone. There's a reason I'm talking to you on the PHONE. It's so I can hear your voice.

And last, but not least, my favorite Apple invention. The iPad. Too bad the iPad couldn't be used as a vehicle for girls to put in their underwear to soak up their period goop. Sorry I'm not sorry for being so vile and disgusting. That's how I feel about the product. It's a large iPhone that doesn't make phone calls. It's a flat MacBook that doesn't have a keyboard. What purpose does the iPad serve besides making you look like a pompous asshole? I know you don't have a reason. So why buy it? Sotomayor.

I guess I'm just tired of seeing Apple included in everything pertaining to the world. And I guess the writers of South Park feel the same because they mocked the Apple culture in their latest season premiere. I'm also upset that conservative America is becoming overrun by a bunch of hippie, tree-hugging liberal assholes. Apple is probably the biggest supporter of Obama and unless you want to see that guy in office again for 4 years, keep buying Apple products. I've officially quit because "I am better than you."