Jennifer Aniston Needs To Shut The Fuck Up

I know this is a little bit old, but it's been jarring my ass. Jennifer Aniston is an ungrateful wench and she should be excluded from anything Hollywood related from now until the end of time. I believe it was last week that the old has-been was quoted as saying that she thought the "Rachel" (her hairdo from the show 'Friends') was ugly and made her look stupid. Not only did that ugly, stupid hairdo make her a national icon for the remainder of the show's history, but it vaulted her into superstardom. Her response is that it was ugly. Good one Jennifer. Now go fall off a cliff because you aren't doing anyone any good anymore.

I can't believe that people in Hollywood continue to cast her in movies. Every movie she's in bombs at the box office. Nobody cares about her. She's not even that attractive. Maybe in 1995 she was, but 2011 Jennifer is disgusting. Old, mangled and dried up looking face. No wonder she can't seem to keep anyone around. I know John Mayer isn't the best-looking person in the world, but he certainly soils girls' panties around these here United States. Why? Because he's a lyrical genius and puts a lot of raw emotion into his songs. Something Jennifer can't seem to do with the characters she plays in movies.

Her latest fiasco opens today/tomorrow depending on when you're reading this. It's called, "Just Go With It". And this movie stars another washed-up has-been in Adam Sandler. At one point in time, this guy was my favorite actor in Hollywood. "Billy Madison" is one of the greatest comedies ever written. And don't forget about "Happy Gilmore". Another gem. But holy shit, his movies started to go downhill with that travesty of a film "Little Nicky". Nothing has been anywhere near good since then. So he's attempting to make another run at Box Office Gold with this delightful romantic-comedy that opens on Valentine's Day Weekend. Great idea Adam.

Like I wrote in my previous post, "You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?" Brooklyn Decker is a part of this film. And the people marketing and advertising this movie are doing a great thing by showing some promos of her in a tight, yellow bathing suit. Because now I'm considering going to see this shitpile of a movie, just so I can stare at her. Creepy? Sure. But what do you want from me? (Brandon) Any movie that focuses primarily on a skinny, blonde-haired chick has got my attention. And that says alot because I still haven't forgotten about that skank Jennifer Aniston and her partner in crime, Mr. Hanukkah.

So, the moral of the story is you shouldn't complain about how great you have it now because you think you're above everyone else. And how being an ungrateful bitch will only leave you with loneliness. That's why John Mayer and Brad Pitt left her ass. Now what does she have? Besides a shitty movie that she probably got paid $10 million for. The answer is nothing. Material things only get you so far Jennifer and soon, someday soon, you will realize that and regret it. As for me, I decided I won't see the film. Sorry Brooklyn, but seeing that moose look-alike is too much for me just because "I am better than you."

You Can Only Bang One Celebrity. Who Is It?

The second most difficult question to answer in the history of the world. The first being what happens after we die. But this. This is almost impossible to answer. If you asked me back in January of 1997, my reply would be Sporty Spice. If you asked again in June of '97 my reply would be Neve Campbell. Yeah, I know, God-awful taste in women in my youth. But I started to pick up steam in December of '97 when I became intrigued with Jennifer Love Hewitt (a celebrity that to this day, I still want to see naked). My point? Our tastes in celebrities change very frequently.

I've had this discussion with friends, roommates, family members. Just kidding...And the answer always changes. Imagine we're back in 1999. Britney Spears has just released 'Baby One More Time'. Is she at the top of your list? She was on mine. But then let's jump to the future. When she cut off all of her hair. Is she still tops on your list? Doubtful. That is why this is a very serious question that mustn't be taken lightly. You could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. So I thought of a reliable and practical formula to take into account.

The formula goes as follows: is she hot? would you regret it in five years? Bingo, bango, bongo. Simple. Five years is too long on girls. They typically become obese, moody, and crazy within a short time frame. Celebrities are just the same. So in choosing one that you are going to nail, you have to see who has looked good for a long time. Look at Betty White. She's looks fantastic for being a stegosaurus (a made-up animal, remember?). But you get the point, right? Did I drift off-topic? Anyway let's round up my top five in no particular order.

1. Minka Kelly. She has become the apple of my eye. A very terrible actress who is surely getting by on her looks alone. Plus, Derek Jeter gets to own that anytime he wants. Heartbreaking. But I'm pretty sure if she met me, she'd be willing to dump his ass for this Polish Hammer.

2. Selena Gomez. She has all the makings of being wonderful in every way possible. Have you ever seen 'Wizards of Waverly Place'? Easily the best thing Disney has had on their channel since 'Lizzie McGuire'. (Ex. Hillary Duff - as if someone threw a bowling ball at her face)

3. Rachel McAdams. In essence, the best part of 'Wedding Crashers'. She is sexy, brunette, and sexy. I have watched that movie just so I could look at her. Pathetic? Yes. Do I care? Yes, don't be fuckin' mean guys.

4. Brooklyn Decker. Wah Wah Wee Wah. Playing tennis is for nerds unless your name is Andy Roddick and you are married to the best model ever. She looks stunning in that upcoming shitty Adam Sandler movie, but I'd consider dabbling just to look at her occasionally.

5. Olivia Wilde. One time in my life I was forced to watch the entire series of 'The O.C.'. Season 2 featured a hot lesbian, played by Ms. Wilde. It was easily the best moment in the history of the series, and the reason I sat through 2 hours of that shit movie 'Alpha Dog'.

And my winner is.........................Minka Kelly. I'm in love with her. She looks like the best thing that's ever happened to my eyes, and for that I am thankful. Will I regret this decision in five years? Probably, but it feels right right now.

Feel free to comment on your Number 1 because I need more evidence to support that, "I am better than you."

Golden Globes Should Only Refer To Tits, Not Dumbass Awards Shows

Unless you live under a rock, or you're like me and don't give a shit, the Golden Globes took place last night from Los Angeles or something. But obviously some people care because it got 17 million viewers last night. Strange really. I could never understand why people took the time to watch this kind of stuff, but I suppose you could ask that about anything that somebody does. But an awards show? Really? The whole concept seems so boring and you end up watching people that are skinnier and better looking than you for 4 or 5 hours. Because you obviously need to watch the pre-pre show, followed by the pre-show, and then the actual show itself. Don't forget the after-show. L-A-M-E as shit.

If I wanted to look at an old, decrepid, and weathered face I'd spend my time at a retirement home. Joan Rivers and her repugnant daughter Melissa are easily the two most attrocious villains that I could ever draw up. It's almost as if they try to be as ugly and obnoxious as possible. Why can't these television stations find interesting, well-articulated, and good-looking people to do the interviews? Someone like me. Someone who won't pass up the chance to ask cool questions. Like to Mrs. Decker, "How many people did you sleep with before you met Andy Roddick?" Or to Natalie Portman, "Why don't you use protection, idiot?"

There should be more to life than celebrating people who already have it better than us in each and every way. By us, I mean you. They get to have sexy time with whomever they please at any given moment. They eat at all the finest dining establishments. They get paid millions and millions of dollars to play a character. It is the optimal lifestyle. People stalk you and take pictures of your every move. So I want to know what degenerate thought it was a good idea to give these people awards? It isn't enough that you people celebrate them every day? You want to give them more time to be in the limelight? It just doesn't seem to add up.

When I finally get a full-time job and become a somebody, I want to receive statues and shit at least once a year because I will be the best at what I do. I want to hold a goddamn gala celebrating all the wonderful things I did for the year. Because this is how we aggrandize these asshole celebrities every year. One of you should come to my local Wendy's at this time next year with a plaque that says 'Best Custodial Technician' and present it to me. Sounds ridiculous right? Yes, except that I want someone to give me that award. Let's stop giving people awards for doing their extremely well-paying jobs.

And to cap it all off, they party afterwards like they just lost their virginity. When I lose my virginity, I will definitely do like these famous assholes do and crush liquor and drugs. You see all these pictures on celebrity gossip sites and on t.v. and in tabloids and it looks like the greatest party I have ever been to, times 10. And that's only because I don't have any friends nor have I ever been invited to one. But I can tell that this is finally my year. 2011. Time for hope and change. Thanks Obama.

The moral of the story is the only thing good about these damn awards shows are that the women try to dress as slutty and sexy as humanly possible. They wear their Gucci, and Prada, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, and all the guys get to look at them and think what it would be like to be with them. Inside of them. Because people, emotions are the foundation of any healthy relationship. You want to be inside your partner and your partner to be inside of you. Ask Russell Brand about it. The next time somebody says Golden Globes to me, I hope they are referring to breasts because those are the best kinds of globes. If you don't agree, it doesn't matter because "I am better than you."