My Catholic grammar school should have spent a longer time teaching me about the Fountain of Youth, but I can see why they didn't now. Ponce de Leon was the greatest explorer of all time because he founded something better than America. Sorry Columbus. The last time I checked, the United States of America wasn't keeping me any younger, just slightly more stressed for being unemployed. Are you ready for this? Here it comes, "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 4: The Existence of the Fountain of Youth.
(Obviously I wouldn't show you the real location)
It's taken me nearly two months since my last volume, but I thought I'd conjure up something that is truly remarkable and definitely real. Juan Ponce de Leon was the first governor of Puerto Rico; I bet you didn't know that. Puerto Rico is responsible for so many great things such as Bacardi, Captain Morgan (the rum, not the human), Bernie Williams, and preventing itself from becoming the 51st state in the Union. But had they not allowed themselves to be conquered by such an incredible explorer, we may have never found the Fountain of Youth, again.
So after de Leon got tired of running shit in Rich Port, he decided to take his travels northwest. It was in 1513 when he landed in Florida that history was once again revolutionized. He had found the Fountain of Youth. But the common misconception is that he was the first to find it. In fact, Moses had founded it first thousands of years earlier. The actual Fountain had gotten buried when he parted the Red Sea, and then set it back in place. How else do you think Moses lived until he was 800? What? Moses didn't actual exist? How little you know my friend.
(Celebrating his 783rd birthday. Happy birthday Moses!)
Florida is known around the world to be the territory that houses the Fountain of Youth. That's why old people go there when they're ready to "retire". It's not a mystery as to why your grandparents never seem to die in Florida. It's not the temperature, nor is it the cool palm trees keeping them alive. They sip on that youth drink that's brought to all the retirement homes in the entire state. And that old fogey Johnny Depp found it necessary to make another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie to highlight his adventure in finding it. If anything, that movie is going to make the Fountain of Youth less credible. Thanks Johnny.
Nowadays people find it necessary to market any of their "fake" anti-aging products with some sort of tagline about secret serums found only from the Fountain of Youth. The guardians of the Fountain of Youth would never allow these losers to take anything from the prestigious water. So when you stop in at your local Rite-Aid to pick up ping pong balls for a nifty weekend of beer pong, don't let those anti-aging creams grab hold of your attention. They don't really work. Science has proven it.
(Bullshit lies)
Ah yes. So have I done my part in convincing you that the Fountain of Youth really does exist? I've given irrefutable evidence as to its existence. First we have Moses, then Ponce de Leon (the greatest explorer ever), grandparents in Florida retirement homes that just won't die, and fake anti-aging creams because they don't have any ingredients from the real Fountain of Youth. If you continue reading my blog on a Monday-Friday basis from now until you turn 63, I might, I just might give you the coordinates to the Holy Grail. Until then, keep wishing you had the courage to say to me, "I am better than you."
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