The Top 5 Reasons You Should Consider These Plastic Surgeries

I'm pretty confident that when you look in the mirror all you see is garbage. Being insecure is really popular nowadays and seemingly the cool thing to do. The percentage of people going under the knife has increased ten-fold in the last 15 years. I just made up that statistic, but it sounds so good that I'm sticking with it. And due to increased technology, the number of things you can fix on your despicable bodies is nearly endless. Since I care about all of you so much, I took time out of my busy schedule to compile the top 5 reasons you should consider these plastic surgeries, in order of importance. You can thank me later.

5. Suction-assisted lipectomy (liposuction) - I only put this at number 5 because I think being fat is great. I know I wrote about how obese people are disgusting and shouldn't have the right to vote and so on and so forth, but they need some love too. My father once told me, "The fatter they are, the more love to give." I'm not quite sure if that was to be taken literally, but based on the size of my stepmother, I suppose it was. Still if you aren't comfortable in your rags, and since summer is coming up, liposuction works wonders for the body. It eliminates fat from the abdominal region and fools people into thinking you're attractive. All in all, a solid choice.

(Before After)

4. Lip enhancement - This should be considered for women only. When I was in 7th grade, one of my classmates got DSL. It's an acronym for Direct Satellite Link and it was the new wave of broadband internet service. I think at the time I was still living in the Stone Age without any sort of computer, nevermind dial-up. Regardless, DSL has come to mean so much more in my later years of living. DSL stands for, "Dick Sucking Lips" and from what I hear, the bigger, the better. So if a girl can increase her value in the dating market by boasting the size of her lips, go for it. Look what it did for Nicole Kidman.

(Can you say, Clown College?)

3. Labiaplasty - Again. Women only. But this time because men don't have labia, or labii, whatever the plural is, at least any that I know. And the best candidates for this surgery are porn stars, really really slutty girls, and new moms who recently ejected their children from there. The fortunate thing about this is only people you bang out will know whether you need this or not. It isn't visible to the naked eye unless you have x-ray vision or something cool like that. Also, nobody is going to be a dick and tell you to your face that your labia need reconstruction. So us guys talk about it behind your back. Just make sure your puss-puss doesn't look like minced roast beef. I can't show a photo because it's inappropriate, something I definitely am not.

2. Mammoplasty (Breast augmentation) (Tit job) - This is easily the most identifiable of all the plastic surgeries. Men seem to notice immediately when a girl gets her boobies done. Especially if she goes from an A cup to a C or D. And it's funny because cup size and school grades are the complete opposite. A's in school are good. A's in tits are bad. Vice versa with D's. But there's a huge risk in filling those mammory glands with saline or silicone. What if your new boobs look like basketballs really far apart from one another? What if the nipples aren't proportional to the rest of the boob? What if you lose sensitivity to the nipple? All this must be taken into consideration before 98% of America considers you more attractive. I still like em normal, but that's just a correct opinion.

(Hello bad boob job)

1. Rhinoplasty (Nose job) - I don't think there's much of an argument here. Nose jobs are about as common as breathing. And getting one can actually be socially accepted by using the excuse of a deviated septum. I'm pretty confident that 100% of celebs and ordinary folk who play the deviated septum card don't even know what it is. Yet, we all take it for fact. But just like titty jobs, the nose job is easily identifiable considering people's faces are always visible. Plus, who wants to kiss somebody when you have to worry about getting smacked around by their giant nose? Not this guy. No way Jose. So do us all a favor and fix that schnoz because it's making me naseous.

(Vast improvement)

Voila! I just saved you so much time in researching all the flaws you need to get fixed. I don't know where you are going to come up with the money to fix said problems, but don't look to me for it. I just provided the advice. Now you can all be attractive and can thank me for it. I don't need any work, though because already, "I am better than you."