5 Things You Need To Eat Before Your Overweight Body Quits On You

Relax your boner, quit seizuring, and listen up. I know what you're thinking. I'm a man amongst men. I've conquered things that only few can dream about. I have the appetite of a 3-year-old girl. Yep, that's right. I choose my choice of foods very carefully. I like pizza and chicken and that about covers it. Sure things can get pretty terrible at the dinner table every night. But do you see me complaining? Nope, because you don't live with me. But in all seriousness, I like really just a handful of things and I wanted to provide some hope for people who like even fewer than me. If I like the shit I'm about to mention, you need to heed my advice and trust that I'll lead you to the Promised Land. Buckle up, idiots.

5. Plain pizza with pepperoncini's

I wanted to start off rather simple, because isn't it the simple things in life that make you the happiest? Like watching your neighbor when he's, I mean, she's in the shower, looking up a girl's dress/skirt when she's in a stairwell, or lying in bed with the person you love the most and watching shitty movies. Well, at least that's how it is for me. Watch this quick video.

So pizza with pepperoncini's you say? Absolutely. Pizza consists of some of the best stuff in the world. Bread, cheese, and marinara sauce. I personally like to add a little kick to it so I tell the assholes in the kitchen to toss some pepperoncini's on top. They aren't too hot for an avid spicy food eater like myself or any other human with a penis. However, some girls might have some trouble putting it down, because they are girls after all. Very basic, very simple. If you can't master cooking this, you better be hot as fuck.

4. Blueberry glazed donut

If I only had the option of eating one more dessert/slash breakfast item for the rest of my life I would have no hesitation in saying the blueberry glazed donut after careful consideration over waffles with ice cream. It's fried dough, blueberries, and sugar. Plus, you could be like one of those liberal assholes who goes on and on about antioxidants and healthy life food or shit like that. Just give me the fried dough and sugar and I'll be on my way. Take the time out of your worthless life to try this magnificent treat. Believe me, it's the best.

3. Cucumbers with lemon juice and red pepper flakes

My Jewish roommate in college loved watching the Food Network. He also liked to cook using his favorite ingredients: bacon, butter, bacon butter, fat, and nutella. It was no small wonder that he could never get a date, but I digress. One day watching one of those shows, one of the chefs made this simple recipe. Dousing some freshly cut cucumbers into a bowl with lemon juice and red pepper flakes. I was hesitant at first, but it literally blew my mind. So three of us sat in the living room with 3 forks and 1 bowl aggressively attacking this novel treat. What did I tell you about the simple things people? Marvelous and elegant.

2. The Sho-Walter

Don't mind the size of the photo. It serves its purpose. As for the Sho-Walter, downtown from where I previously went to college, they had a burger place. This place was called "Jack Brown's." In four years of attendance, I visited this restaurant 2 times. It's quite possible that it's my biggest regret ever in life, but then again I don't regret anything. This sandwich, which consisted of a hamburger patty, bacon, a fried egg, cheese, and get this, a glazed donut instead of a bun, was the second greatest thing to ever enter into my mouth. No small feat as a lot of things have been placed in there. It's photos like these that I'm tagged in on Facebook that put me into a manic depression. No burger can ever compare to this. Ever.

1. Salami and pastrami on rye/white/wheat bread featuring pickles

I couldn't afford pastrami in college because I was unemployed my whole life. So I made an audible. I took salami and pickles and made a sandwich out of it. Disgusting? Guess again shit-brain. This sandwich was introduced to me by my father. Well, he used to wrap turkey, salami, or cheese around a pickle and eat as some sort of snack. I elaborated on it and put it on some bread. Then when I went to go visit my liberal friends from school in New York City, we ventured into Katz's Deli and boom, salami and pastrami on rye with a side a pickles. Oh Mr. Katz, you slay me! Before you die, you have to try this ensemble of food. It will melt your brains because it is so good. Trust me, I've never lied ever before.

I hope all you assholes reading this right now are in work and that your mouth is salivating because it's almost lunch time. I hope you forgot your lunch. I hope you starve for the rest of the day. But in all honesty, you need to eat everything I just mentioned. Preferably in one sitting. Then I can consider you half the man that I am and I won't be so inclined to tell you that, "I am better than you."