5. Take pictures
I know how much girls love to take pictures when they're out drinking. Back when Facebook used to be cool and allowed you the ability to stalk people's pictures, you'd always come across 3 girls pissing in a toilet or in the shower or even worse, in the sink. Those days are gone and thank goodness. I don't know how many pictures I've seen of girls taking pisses. What's the point? Of course I'd like to see you bottomless, but not while you're secreting urine from your hole. Staring at such pictures will probably cause cataracts or ocular cancer or something along those lines. I'm done taking pictures for you.
4. Work out
(Sweatshirts went out in '93 bro)
Rumor has it that girls like guys who work out. The bigger the muscles, the wetter the panties. I find that hard to believe considering the amount of girls I've made out with in my life. (8 by age 23? Not too shabby) But it's now something I'm not doing anymore. Sometimes I would go for a run and lift the 3 lbs. dumbells that my mom has, but I won't touch 'em again. They say the way to a girl's heart is to buy her Tiffany's, agree on everything, and the ability to throw her against the wall, of course in a completely consenual way. By not working out, I save myself the probability of acquiring bicep/tricep/shoulder cancer. 2 for 2.
3. Clean
I don't mean that kind of cleaning, you know the kind that women are especially good at. I mean the kind of cleaning that I do. Do you know what I did with my toothpaste, shampoo, soap, and shaving cream once I heard about the oral cancer? Yep, you guessed it. It went right in the trash. Girls love it when guys take care of themselves and make themselves presentable. I won't subject myself to it anymore. Nope. I used to trim my beard, wash my body, clean my hair, brush my teeth, but I can't see myself doing any of those things anymore. Not with the risk of hair cancer, skin cancer, or gum cancer. Way too risky. Sorry girls, the juice ain't worth the squeeze.
2. Watch tv
This one hurts me a lot. Like a whole lot. I really like watching tv. It's probably my greatest pastime. But the next time I get a girlfriend, I mean if, I will not cuddle in bed and watch television with her. Not when I'm forced to watch 'The Bachelorette', 'Desperate Housewives', 'Grey's Anatomy', '90210', and other terrible shows. That guy in the picture is only smiling because deep down he hopes that by wasting 2 hours of his life watching a slut make her decision about who she wants to get fucked by next week, that he will be rewarded with oral sex. Little does he know that oral sex is the devil now. I bet it was a female researcher. My brain and eyes are safe from cancer.
1. Shop
Oh give me a break asshole. Everyone who is looking at this picture knows you're full of shit. You have two bags in your hand and neither look like they're from Victoria's Secret, so we know you aren't having sexy sex tonight. I can't understand why girls love to shop. But I won't partake in it anymore. I never really did anyway. Shopping is my least favorite activity in the whole wide world. I'd almost rather eat a stalk of celery than waste 6 hours of my day watching you shop for things you can't really afford. Going shopping with women probably results in hand cancer, arm cancer, brain cancer, mouth cancer, ear cancer, and heart cancer. There's only so much a man can take before his body gives out on him. This is why I will never go shopping again.
Aren't I great or what? I single-handedly am abandoning all those great things that I used to do for women because I'm terrified of getting all those different kinds of cancer. And now by writing about it, I'm saving all the guys from cancer too. When they make more statues of me you can say you were there when I achieved such a lofty, prestigious honor. Until then, keep women away from. I do because "I am better than you."
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