The Royal Wedding And Other Things That I Give Two Shits Less About

As of this writing, the most important pop culture spectacular has yet to occur. But since you read these exciting publications when you should be working, it will have already taken place. I'm talking about the Royal Wedding. You know, the one with William and Kate. The prince and the commoner. I went to Wal-Mart today to get my passport photo taken and while I was waiting around for it, I ventured to the books/magazines section. And what do I see staring right back at me? A magazine dedicated to the extraordinary life of Kate Middleton. Jesus fucking Christ. I could give two shits less.

I don't give a shit about what people think about me. I'm pretty sure if you have ever come into contact with me, you understand that. I say whatever is on my mind and with no qualms whatsoever. If you don't like what I have to say. Fuck you. If you don't like me because I'm too vulgar. Fuck you. If you think I'm too offensive. Fuck you. You get the idea. I've come to realize after 23 years of existence that you're going to come across people who don't like you no matter what you do. You can cater to them, be friendly, give them the shirt off your back, and they still won't like you. So fuck them.

I don't give a shit about what you have to say on your Facebook status. Every afternoon when I wake up, I turn my computer on, read up on espn.com, and then I click Facebook. People who narrate their entire lives on Facebook are the devil. Nobody gives a shit about what you have to say. I don't care that you just had the runs because you ate an old Greek salad. I don't care if you're going to the hospital to get some bloodwork done. I don't care if you quote actresses that have been dead for 50 years. I don't care. Stop interfering with my newsfeed and pissing me off simultaneously.

I don't give a shit about whether or not Obama was born in the United States. Yes, it says in the Constitution that every president needs to be a natural born citizen. What the fuck does that mean anyway? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the president of our country needing to have been born here, but at the present time don't we have more important issues to be thinking about? Like how our unemployment rate is hovering around 9%? How that goofball in office promised to pull our troops out of Afghanistan/Iraq, yet we still have all of them there? Let's stop making a big deal about his birth certificate and concentrate on how to improve our country.

I don't give a shit about cats. In fact, I hate them. I'm allergic to them. I think they're ugly. I think their tongues with the texture of sandpaper is fucking retarded. Who needs to self-cleanse themselves? Jump in the fucking tub in your house, stupid cat. You'd think they'd try to clean themselves properly instead of licking themselves. What a stupid fucking breed of animal. Anybody who likes cats more than dogs deserves to be homeless. (Cough Anna cough. It's okay you can stay living in your apartment)

There are a lot of other things that I don't give a shit about, but I think you've gotten the point by now. The Royal Wedding is just another publicity stunt to divert our attention away from the actual relevant problems we have in the world. And yes, maybe it's grandiose for all the girls who grew up wishing they could be a princess and are envious of Kate Middleton because she gets to live that dream in the next couple of hours. But Kate Middleton is a lot more attractive than any of you will ever be and that's why she's marrying the prince of England. So go back to running on the treadmill trying to lose those last 3 lbs. to make you a size 12 instead of a 14. Go back to eating the Big Macs and French Fries that make you hard to look at in the first place. But don't think for one second that I don't hate you. Because I do. And it's only because "I am better than you."