(Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', uh)
I previously mentioned my making out with baby seals in my 'Beer Goggles' piece. However, I don't mark that or any other ill-conceived make-outs in college because they made for funny stories. All my friends know them and mock me for them on a somewhat consistent basis. Also because I keep bringing them up. I can say I have 3 real regrets in my entire life. Things that I would change if I could go back in time right now and fix them. Just 3. And now I will put them in the order of smallest-to-biggest regrets. Brace yourselves.
3. I was somewhat popular in high school. I was voted class clown and people knew me as the funny kid who never got ass. That was 5 years ago. But there was one particular moment of my lack of ass-getting that I never seemed to let slip away. I can recall distinctly that it was my sophomore year of high school. I had just finished track practice and was on my way back to the boys locker room via the gym. A girl approached me. But she wasn't just any girl. She was a smart, pretty girl. One of the prettiest girls in my grade. I should mention that at this point in time I had yet to makeout with a girl. (Or guy for you jokesters out there) She told me that she was willing to "help me out" with my problem. That was it. Nice and simple. But guess what? You know where this is going. I didn't take the offer. I still don't have a reason.
2. I brought this up earlier also in another blog post. My sophomore year of college was a swell time. No RA's. Beer whenever we could get someone to buy it for us with a fake I.D. The works. Life was pretty sweet. But it didn't start out so sweet. I was helping to move-in a former neighbor from freshman year. I was talking to her mom. She told me to take care of her and make sure nothing happens to her. I told her mom that, "No. I don't care about her. I'm just going to let her walk home alone and get raped." Her mom didn't like me much after that and heck, who could blame her. Rape is no joking matter. I guess the hint of sarcasm in my voice wasn't enough to soften the blow of telling her I didn't care if her daughter got raped. Yep, that's me.
1. I was in Kmart with my mom. She told me I could pick out one toy that I wanted. Any toy. At this point in time I was a huge geek for Inspector Gadget. It's a brilliant cartoon with some zany moments. He always fucked up. Hilarity ensued. They just so happened to have some Inspector Gadget toys. A field day for me! But which one do I pick? If you know the cartoon you should be aware that Dr. Claw never showed his face. Not once. Not ever. He was available at Kmart. It even said on the package, "See Dr. Claw's face revealed!" But not that day. I didn't choose Dr. Claw. Guess who I chose? Guess? (drum roll)............................Penny and the stupid fucking dog. It was so memorable that I can't even remember the fucking dog's name. And I literally remember everything. Everything. I chose wrong.
(The package that haunts my dreams)
There you have it. My personal regrets. I choose to not have any regrets in life because it's way too short to dwell on the shit you've done. Fuck it. It felt right at the time, didn't it? You regret it because of the outcome that came out later. But if you didn't choose "wrongly" than you would never know. It felt right at the time. Live by that and you won't give a shit about any of the rest of the dumb things you do from now until forever. Sponsored by me because, "I am better than you."
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