Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 1)

Since nobody gave a shit about what songs I decided were the best songs for the summer '11, I thought I'd give it another go on the summer movies. Now, I'm already late on two must-see films that made their way into theatres this summer, Tyler Perry's: Madea's Big Happy Family and Something Borrowed. But the summer season hasn't truly hit full stride. That's why I made it a point to tell you about the 10 movies you should go see this summer season because they are going to be the best $35 you can spend.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides

This shitty movie stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Depp is another one of the most overrated people in all of Hollywood. He over-acts. He's a smug piece of shit. And he only does movies that involve Tim Burton in some aspect. I'm actually pretty sure they're butt pirates together. (See what I did there) Depp gave guys who were unsure about their sexual orientation the idea that wearing mascara or eyeliner or some other make-up is okay. It's not okay. In fact, it's the opposite of okay. It's not okay. I must say though, I do respect the work Depp did in Edward Scissorhands. It is a decent movie. But let's cut it out with all these pirate movies, Johnny.

9. X-Men: First Class

Perhaps this movie will be like its predecessor and be a first class piece of shit. Or maybe I'm wrong and it will be a decent film. Either way, I think they need to relax on the X-Men movies. Again, another franchise with its fourth installment coming out this summer. Too much of the same and you're left with a sour taste in your mouth. Plus, I didn't see Rebecca Romijn in the trailer and that immediately curbs my interest. As long as there are other attractive women in this movie, I might be compelled to go. Otherwise, I'll watch old episodes of the fucking awesome cartoon on my laptop. That cartoon was the best.

8. The Smurfs

I have a pretend interest in this movie because I practically lived with a smurf for 4 years. His name was Brian. He went around skateboarding and surfing like a typical liberal. Then came the photographs and the artwork and records of The John Butler Trio. If only he had painted his entire body blue, he would have made the ultimate smurf. I only kid. Brian is a great kid who provided me the opportunity to write a blog because I knew he had one and I knew mine would be much more elite. Again I only kid. Sorta. But speaking of Smurfs, the animation looks neat and Katy Perry's voice is in it. If I could go with a girl and hold hands, I would.

7. Cars 2

I can never doubt Pixar. They never make bad movies. Some of my favorite movies, animated or not, are Pixar movies. Does that question my sexuality? No. Should it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay. Monsters, Inc. is the single greatest animated film of all-time. Toy Story isn't far behind. But my feelings are mixed on this one. The president of Pixar made a vow that they wouldn't make a sequel unless they felt they had a story that was as original or better than the first. The problem with this movie is that one of the voices, Paul Newman, died last year. And I know a voice doesn't make a movie, but Paul Newman was a legend. He even has a brand of popcorn and salad dressing. Nothing spells success like ranch dressing. Nothing.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

What kind of American and patriot would I be if I didn't include this movie. This idiot Chris Evans is Captain America and looks like a 'roid monkey in the movie. The major major problem I have with the film is the location of it. Captain America. Guess where it was filmed? It was filmed in South Wales, England. Is there nowhere in America majestic enough to have the film shot? I mean, come on. I might actually boycott this movie because they didn't even film it here. That's just beyond ridiculous. The other reason is because it's probably going to be a shitty movie with way too much action and not enough character development. But with the caliber of movies coming out this summer beyond sub-par, this appears to be the sixth best of the bunch. Cool.

Join me tomorrow when I reveal the top 5 movies that you will need to see this summer. Or else. "I am better than you."

The Fountain Of Youth Was Discovered By Ponce de Leon. Didn't You Know That?

My Catholic grammar school should have spent a longer time teaching me about the Fountain of Youth, but I can see why they didn't now. Ponce de Leon was the greatest explorer of all time because he founded something better than America. Sorry Columbus. The last time I checked, the United States of America wasn't keeping me any younger, just slightly more stressed for being unemployed. Are you ready for this? Here it comes, "It's not just an opinion, rather a statement of fact because I said it" Volume 4: The Existence of the Fountain of Youth.

(Obviously I wouldn't show you the real location)

It's taken me nearly two months since my last volume, but I thought I'd conjure up something that is truly remarkable and definitely real. Juan Ponce de Leon was the first governor of Puerto Rico; I bet you didn't know that. Puerto Rico is responsible for so many great things such as Bacardi, Captain Morgan (the rum, not the human), Bernie Williams, and preventing itself from becoming the 51st state in the Union. But had they not allowed themselves to be conquered by such an incredible explorer, we may have never found the Fountain of Youth, again.

So after de Leon got tired of running shit in Rich Port, he decided to take his travels northwest. It was in 1513 when he landed in Florida that history was once again revolutionized. He had found the Fountain of Youth. But the common misconception is that he was the first to find it. In fact, Moses had founded it first thousands of years earlier. The actual Fountain had gotten buried when he parted the Red Sea, and then set it back in place. How else do you think Moses lived until he was 800? What? Moses didn't actual exist? How little you know my friend.

(Celebrating his 783rd birthday. Happy birthday Moses!)

Florida is known around the world to be the territory that houses the Fountain of Youth. That's why old people go there when they're ready to "retire". It's not a mystery as to why your grandparents never seem to die in Florida. It's not the temperature, nor is it the cool palm trees keeping them alive. They sip on that youth drink that's brought to all the retirement homes in the entire state. And that old fogey Johnny Depp found it necessary to make another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie to highlight his adventure in finding it. If anything, that movie is going to make the Fountain of Youth less credible. Thanks Johnny.

Nowadays people find it necessary to market any of their "fake" anti-aging products with some sort of tagline about secret serums found only from the Fountain of Youth. The guardians of the Fountain of Youth would never allow these losers to take anything from the prestigious water. So when you stop in at your local Rite-Aid to pick up ping pong balls for a nifty weekend of beer pong, don't let those anti-aging creams grab hold of your attention. They don't really work. Science has proven it.

(Bullshit lies)

Ah yes. So have I done my part in convincing you that the Fountain of Youth really does exist? I've given irrefutable evidence as to its existence. First we have Moses, then Ponce de Leon (the greatest explorer ever), grandparents in Florida retirement homes that just won't die, and fake anti-aging creams because they don't have any ingredients from the real Fountain of Youth. If you continue reading my blog on a Monday-Friday basis from now until you turn 63, I might, I just might give you the coordinates to the Holy Grail. Until then, keep wishing you had the courage to say to me, "I am better than you."