5. Alanis Morissette - "You Oughta Know"
Did you ever watch "Full House?" Do you remember Uncle Joey? Did you know that he took Alanis Morissette's virginity? The entire "Jagged Little Pill" album, or at least most of it, was written about Joey Gladstone. You know who I blame? Canada. You just can't trust those people with their affinity for hockey and healthcare. You end up with Joey banging Alanis and the result is an incredible record. Imagine what kind of music "The Jonas Brothers" would be making if a guy popped their cherries. I can't even imagine. "And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" Emotional.
4. Hanson - "MMMBop"
In all honesty, I hate this fucking song. But I lived in Hanson Hall in college and well, it just wouldn't feel right if I didn't include them. I look at Hanson as a new age Bee Gees, but ridiculously less talented and far less popular. Plus, what the fuck is up with their hair? Maybe I'm just jealous, 'cause this shit is stopping growing on me. But they legitimately look like girls. And sound like it, too. If you've never actually listened to the lyrics of this song, I suggest you do so now. It made it to Number 4 for a reason.
3. Britney Spears - "...Baby One More Time"
If you're a boy and this video doesn't make your weeny tingle, you got some problems. How on Earth is this song only Number 3? Aside from the fact that she sounds like she's constipated, the choreography is all wrong. And she didn't even do all those backflips. That's a major penalty in my book. But my biggest complaint is that she might be the only female I've ever seen that I don't think looks better in the school girl outfit. I'd much rather take her with her sports bra and breakaway pants. Say what you will, but you know I'm right.
2. Backstreet Boys - "I Want It That Way"
"Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh." What song starts better than that? No song, that's what. They say you're either a BSB 4 Lif or a stupid *NSYNC'er. I chose the former because who doesn't like a boy band that consists of a balding 30-year-old, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a rodent, and the Jolly Green Giant? Idiots, that's who. BSB revolutionized the airwaves for a solid 4 years. Carson Daly should be giving them thanks every morning and every night for making him a star. MTV should change their name to "BSB" for making the network relevant again. This song wasn't their best one, but it's the most recognized of all of them.
According to at least one expert, this song is not only the best of the 90s, but the best ever. That expert is me and I proudly present to you, Number 1.
1. Third Eye Blind - "Semi-Charmed Life"
Name a better song. I dare you. It doesn't exist. When you hear the opening to the song, do you "Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo?" I know I do, not because I bathe in its splendor, but because it's so God damn catchy. This song is one of those that will be listened to at all junctures of time. Stephen Jenkins is a genius and only he can create a song about being addicted to drugs and make it seemingly cool. Everyone knows the song, whether they like it or not. If they don't, well I just don't ever want to speak with them again. It is hands down, the best song of the 90s.
Don't agree with my selections? Fuck off. You're just jealous that you didn't think of concocting a list first. Be sure to harrass me with snubs and disagreements so I can blatantly ignore you because "I am better than you."
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