5 Things You Need To Eat Before Your Overweight Body Quits On You

Relax your boner, quit seizuring, and listen up. I know what you're thinking. I'm a man amongst men. I've conquered things that only few can dream about. I have the appetite of a 3-year-old girl. Yep, that's right. I choose my choice of foods very carefully. I like pizza and chicken and that about covers it. Sure things can get pretty terrible at the dinner table every night. But do you see me complaining? Nope, because you don't live with me. But in all seriousness, I like really just a handful of things and I wanted to provide some hope for people who like even fewer than me. If I like the shit I'm about to mention, you need to heed my advice and trust that I'll lead you to the Promised Land. Buckle up, idiots.

5. Plain pizza with pepperoncini's

I wanted to start off rather simple, because isn't it the simple things in life that make you the happiest? Like watching your neighbor when he's, I mean, she's in the shower, looking up a girl's dress/skirt when she's in a stairwell, or lying in bed with the person you love the most and watching shitty movies. Well, at least that's how it is for me. Watch this quick video.

So pizza with pepperoncini's you say? Absolutely. Pizza consists of some of the best stuff in the world. Bread, cheese, and marinara sauce. I personally like to add a little kick to it so I tell the assholes in the kitchen to toss some pepperoncini's on top. They aren't too hot for an avid spicy food eater like myself or any other human with a penis. However, some girls might have some trouble putting it down, because they are girls after all. Very basic, very simple. If you can't master cooking this, you better be hot as fuck.

4. Blueberry glazed donut

If I only had the option of eating one more dessert/slash breakfast item for the rest of my life I would have no hesitation in saying the blueberry glazed donut after careful consideration over waffles with ice cream. It's fried dough, blueberries, and sugar. Plus, you could be like one of those liberal assholes who goes on and on about antioxidants and healthy life food or shit like that. Just give me the fried dough and sugar and I'll be on my way. Take the time out of your worthless life to try this magnificent treat. Believe me, it's the best.

3. Cucumbers with lemon juice and red pepper flakes

My Jewish roommate in college loved watching the Food Network. He also liked to cook using his favorite ingredients: bacon, butter, bacon butter, fat, and nutella. It was no small wonder that he could never get a date, but I digress. One day watching one of those shows, one of the chefs made this simple recipe. Dousing some freshly cut cucumbers into a bowl with lemon juice and red pepper flakes. I was hesitant at first, but it literally blew my mind. So three of us sat in the living room with 3 forks and 1 bowl aggressively attacking this novel treat. What did I tell you about the simple things people? Marvelous and elegant.

2. The Sho-Walter

Don't mind the size of the photo. It serves its purpose. As for the Sho-Walter, downtown from where I previously went to college, they had a burger place. This place was called "Jack Brown's." In four years of attendance, I visited this restaurant 2 times. It's quite possible that it's my biggest regret ever in life, but then again I don't regret anything. This sandwich, which consisted of a hamburger patty, bacon, a fried egg, cheese, and get this, a glazed donut instead of a bun, was the second greatest thing to ever enter into my mouth. No small feat as a lot of things have been placed in there. It's photos like these that I'm tagged in on Facebook that put me into a manic depression. No burger can ever compare to this. Ever.

1. Salami and pastrami on rye/white/wheat bread featuring pickles

I couldn't afford pastrami in college because I was unemployed my whole life. So I made an audible. I took salami and pickles and made a sandwich out of it. Disgusting? Guess again shit-brain. This sandwich was introduced to me by my father. Well, he used to wrap turkey, salami, or cheese around a pickle and eat as some sort of snack. I elaborated on it and put it on some bread. Then when I went to go visit my liberal friends from school in New York City, we ventured into Katz's Deli and boom, salami and pastrami on rye with a side a pickles. Oh Mr. Katz, you slay me! Before you die, you have to try this ensemble of food. It will melt your brains because it is so good. Trust me, I've never lied ever before.

I hope all you assholes reading this right now are in work and that your mouth is salivating because it's almost lunch time. I hope you forgot your lunch. I hope you starve for the rest of the day. But in all honesty, you need to eat everything I just mentioned. Preferably in one sitting. Then I can consider you half the man that I am and I won't be so inclined to tell you that, "I am better than you."

Burger King's Food Is About As Good As The Baltimore Orioles

Out of all the fast-food restaurants where you can improve your physique and eat like a champion, Burger King rates last on every level. For one, what kind of quality product are you getting when they advertise every 30 seconds for a buy one get one free Original Chicken Sandwich? Excuse me Burger King, but are you claiming to have the original chicken sandwich? Your fine dining establishment is the first in the history of the world to offer a chicken sandwich? Isn't the name of your bullshit restaurant Burger King? But you have the original chicken sandwich? Mind-boggling.

Do you know what kind of people typically eat at Burger King? Uneducated ones who are probably liberal and hope to get Mad Cow Disease. For the longest time I didn't eat beef because of that MCD scare at Burger King in the late 90s. Ruined it for me. But since I've grown up now, I dominate beef just like I dominate life. But I don't dominate the beef at Burger King because nothing there is worthwhile. The fries, the value menu, the toys in their kids meal. None of it compels me to go there.

At least if you want good tasting French fries you know to go to McDonald's. Or chicken Mcnuggets or a Mcchicken or a Mcdouble. The options are truly endless at such a premiere fast-food joint. Wendy's has the almighty #6. If you don't know what that is then you are truly not a fast-food aficionado and need to step your game up before you continue reading my blog. But now even Wendy's has a solid dollar menu. We used to eat like kings at college. And not Burger Kings either. I have no reason to ever go there because they don't have anything that stands out.

And what the fuck kind of commercials were they showing on television not that long ago? A scary ass king looking guy that was clearly based on the most disgusting pedophile ever. That was not the best marketing option that Burger King ever laid out. Those commercials genuinely scared me because I thought some sicko in a Burger King getup was going to attack me and my perfect body while going to throw the garbage in the dump. These are the kinds of things you have to be aware of when people are envious of your insanely superb figure.

So aside from the fact that they have nothing great to get there, they have pedophiles running around on their commercials. And now their latest downfall? Like the Orioles in drafting shitty college kids and high school players, and the occasional signing of a washed-up veteran, Burger King has just added a stuffed jalapeno and cheddar burger to their menu. Bad decisions ruin franchises. Stop trying to copy KFC by creating a sandwich that is so saturated in fat and can kill you in one bite. The advantage to KFC is that the DoubleDown tasted good. This cheddar-jalapeno concoction of shit will not. Give up Burger King no one likes you.

Like a wise man once told me, "Jealousy takes mannnnnnnnyyyyy forms". Unfortunately for Burger King no one is jealous of their mediocre sandwiches and dumb ass commercials. The important lesson you take from this today is that despite what Burger King tells you, they do not have the Original Chicken Sandwich, because they were founded strictly for their propensity to sell burgers. If you are an idiot and you like eating shit, by all means go to Burger King because in due time you will end up with Mad Cow and I'll be the one to say I told you so. I on the other hand will never go there again simply because, "I am better than you."