The Word Epic As An Adjective Needs To Fucking Stop

I'm really tired of hearing about how everything is fucking epic. I took an epic shit today. I ate an epic bowl of cereal for breakfast. That is an epic watch you're wearing. Holy flying fuck shit. Stop saying epic. You sound like a moron. You probably don't even know what epic means. Epic: the most overused word ever, next to fail. For even more asshole points, use them together to form "epic fail." Everything is epic now. Epic car. Epic haircut. Epic movie. Epic album. Epic shut the fuck up" (urbandictionary.com) Yeah that sounds about right.

But in all honesty this is what epic is defined as, "extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope". So to say that you did anything epic it sure as hell better be beyond the usual or ordinary. Way too often do I hear dickheads describe shit as epic. Epic fail is beyond my least favorite. What the fuck is an epic fail? I'd rather drink an entire gallon of drain-o and pour vinegar into my eyes than to listen to some asshole say that phrase again. Unfortunately for me, I live in a society where stupid pieces of shit go running around saying, "OMG did you see that old man slip and fall on that black ice? What an epic fail. LOL" These are people who need to be donkey kicked in the throat and/or groinal region.

All this venting got me thinking about some more things that bother me. "Epic Movie" was probably the biggest pile of horseshit movie ever written, directed, and acted. The same idiots who made the same spoofs about dating, the Spartans, disasters, and the Twilight saga bullshit. And what really makes me sick is that this "Epic Movie" was number one in the box office the weekend it came out. How fucking miserable are we as Americans that we are going to see God-awful movies? As if there is nothing better to spend money on? I'm stingy with my money because I don't have a lot of it, but jesus christ if I had an infinite amount of money I still wouldn't go anywhere near that travesty.

Nintendo came out with a video game on the Wii console right before Christmas. Do you have any inkling as to what the name of that game was? Probably not, because you are too cool for video games. Excuse me you pompous asshole. But the name of the game was "Epic Mickey". The premise of the game was to go around to different places and paint shit. The dickwads at Disney thought it would be cool to create a game that required you to walk around and paint incoherent splotches of paint on castle walls and Bluto. Well fuck me. That sounds like a fantastic idea. Good thing I bought six copies to wipe my ass with. And it didn't feel good.

The soon to be Gears of War trilogy is produced by Epic Games. Do I need to tell you that I will no longer play said game? Even in good causes like E.P.I.C. (Every Person Influences Children) the meaning is lost because it has a stupid fucking name. I don't even care what they're trying to accomplish because I have a gut feeling that it isn't epic. Am I taking this out of proportion? Yes, but you would only think that if you are an idiot. The word epic has officially been destroyed and it should not be used ever again. This blog however is on its way to epic heights because of you the assholes who still read it for some reason. But I'm pretty sure it's because "I am better than you."

There's A Lot Of Snow In New Jersey And Charlie Sheen's Nose. I'm Also Running A Half-Marathon!

A follow up to a blog I posted a little while back about Charlie Sheen. Well it seems that last night he bought a suitcase full of coke and proceeded to snort about a brick of it. His body then went into some sort of crazy shock and now he's in the hospital for a probable overdose. And you thought I was kidding when I said that he was a maverick. This man clearly does not want to be alive anymore because all he's doing is blowing lines and fucking prostitutes/porn stars. Like a stud. A life that surely went awry somewhere.

Because he must be near shitting the bed, all of his close family was there with him at the hospital today, reportedly. Even Denise Richards, his sexy ass ex-wife came to see him. Why? I don't know but that's gotta be some serious ass shit. This should be a lesson to anyone who plans on becoming famous. Be careful with your cocaine use because it'll make you extremely fun and the life of the party. And that's a negative? But enough about that guy already. Let's talk about a different kind of snow. Like the one that falls from the sky every winter.

The shithole state of New Jersey is now experiencing the most snowfall in a month on record. We got something like 4 feet in just January alone! I can't fucking stand it. I go outside once a week, twice at most. And all I see is brown-colored snow everywhere. There is legitimately nowhere to put it anymore. Did I mention how ugly it is? Snow used to be cool when you were a kid because you get to play in it and build forts and pee in it. But now as an adult, it brings nothing but grief. Watching my mom shovel out her car today for an hour and a half was disheartening.

All the snow brings is muscle pain and fatigue. Shoveling and shoveling and more shoveling. I felt so bad for her, but what was I supposed to do? Well I'll tell you what I did. I lay under my comfy ass comforter and drank some hot chocolate. It was very warm and inviting. When my mom came back in, I asked her to prepare me something for lunch. I guess the more I talk about it, the more I like what the snow brings. In fact, I hope it snows for the remainder of the season. That way I can continue to pamper myself and reap the rewards of others.

Anywho. I was productive a little bit today, however. My sister signed us up for a half-marathon in May. It's going to be the first time I run somewhat seriously in five years. Five fucking years. And what should make all of you sick and jealous is that I'm still in elite shape. I'm probably even faster than a cheetah. I wouldn't bet against me. Training starts in March since I can't run in all this snow. Perhaps my mom can shovel my block's entire sidewalk. That would be beneficial. Regardless, if anyone is interested, and I know that noone is, I expect some signs that cheer me on at the finish line. Something like "You're fast as fuck", "Beat that cripple!", or "You ARE better than me". Because you can't write, "I am better than you."

Skype Sex Is NOT Safe Sex

Well well well, what do we have here? Some of you know what Skype is. Congratulations. The rest of you who don't, get your head out of your ass. Skype is an application you can download off the interweb and communicate with your friends or lovers or both. It's great because it eases the stresses of long-term relationships, like those who go to Spain, Ethiopia, or Turkey. But what you might not know is how dangerous skype sex actually can be. Put on your rubber because this one is about to get rough.

I know a lot of people who use skype (3 to be exact) and it appears to be here to stay. But to get back to my point. It's dangerous. Think about it. What if you don't have a lock on your door and you get caught masturbating? Not only do you have to defend yourself, but now you have to defend your partner. If parents know what their children are using skype for, I bet they try and time it to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I have never been caught because 1) I don't violate myself like the rest of you goofballs and 2) All the people I skype with are guys and that would not go along with being a heterosexual.

Another thing. All these companies who design these webcams most certainly put in a device that allows them to see you. They have to. If I was manufacturing them I would because it's the right thing to do. So essentially everytime you are being inappropriate over the interweb, someone besides you is enjoying the show. It's pretty much the same thing as sexting because when you get a cool naked picture of somebody, the first thing you do is show all your friends. Again I have never had the pleasure of receiving one of those texts because I've never kissed a girl, let alone seen one naked.

I think as future parents, at least me because I am attractive enough to find someone to mate with, we need to go to the necessary measures to make sure this shit doesn't happen with our kids. We need to start sending out PSA's on the television, radio, and internet to tell parents to teach their kids the dangers of skype sex. It is essentially the same thing as unprotected sex because you aren't using condoms and that should be a crime. One day you're having fun, being naked on the internet, the next you're shooting out children from your labia.

Maybe skype sexing makes long distance relationships easier because you still have the luxury of seeing your person naked. Maybe it stretches the length of them. Either way it should be outlawed in these United States because nothing good can come from it. Soon we will hear that STD's can be transmitted via the interweb. In any case, you should be wearing a condom regardless because safe sex is great sex. All I know is you won't see me having skype sex because I make good decisions. Decisions that allow me to say "I am better than you."

The Easiest Way To Lose Weight Is To Have Never Gotten Fat To Begin With

I'm tired of looking at people who are fat. I understand that being fat has its perks, like it not hurting when you fall on your ass/cottage cheese, or knowing that whatever you wear, you'll probably look terrible regardless. It just pains me so much because if everyone had a natural physique like mine, the world would be a better place. I've seen people of all shapes and sizes and the ones who are most repulsive are those who are obese. Obesity is a disease in which you can't stop eating because you have no self-value and very little care in your appearance. I am here to help.

I recently read a study that linked childhood obesity with an insufficient amount of sleep. If you are laughing, stop, because that's apparently real. Yes children are fucking fatso's because they aren't getting enough sleep. Let's disregard all the fucking happy meals they're eating and the 12 cans of soda they drink a day, as well as the time video games consume their souls. I swear to God researchers are the dumbest motherfuckers around. To even make a statement like that is borderline retarded. Excuses are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink. But I have a solution or five.

Like the title says the easiest way to lose weight is to never put it on in the first place. But since none of us are perfect (besides me) I did a little research. One of the first ways you can prevent yourself from becoming fat or to stop being fat is bulimia. I understand throwing up is not an ideal situation for everyone, but optimal for losing excess weight. If you don't want the acid to burn your esophogus there is always solution number two, anorexia. Stopping yourself from eating is a great way to cut down on ghastly weight gains. And lastly, we have laxatives. This way you can poop out all those unwanted Big Mac's. However, I should note that this measure is only for the males because, as we all know, girls don't poop.

We shouldn't be celebrating those who are obese. "The Biggest Loser" is an example as to why our country is looked upon like a big joke. We are putting fat fucking losers on television and then paying them to lose weight. PAYING people to lose weight. Gone are the days of looking good for yourself. If it doesn't amount to a paycheck, than it isn't worth our time? Right? How nieve and despicable we truly are. And I blame that liberal Obama who's in the White House for this. If we had jobs we wouldn't resort to getting fat so that we can earn a paycheck.

No, there is no such thing as an obese gene. Yes, these people can help it. We all go through rough times and to blame your mortifying weight gain on your problems is foolish and unacceptable. If you don't have a good metabolism, eat three meals a day. Work out. Run. Jog. Stop eating. Stop drinking. Obesity is very easy to overcome. I joked about it before, but seriously, it doesn't take much to lose weight. Stop blaming a lack of sleep on childhood obesity. Start taking responsibility for your poor actions. Life is too short to dance with fat chicks. Keep that in mind to the four girls reading this, because I will only dance with you if you are indeed skinny. I am and that already means "I am better than you."

Nice Guys Finish Last, Even In The Bedroom

I learned a lot of things this weekend. Being nice, when it involves dating and relationships is the wrong route to go. For some reason, females tend to have a problem with guys who treat them well. Why exactly? I don't have an official answer, but one that I conjured up with the enormous brain I carry around all day long. Girls enjoy the challenge of breaking down a guy with "mysterious" qualities. He needs to have an edge, something that separates him from everyone else. If he's a dickhead, surely there is a reason as to why. But what dumbass girls don't understand is, there is NO reason, except to get in your pants.

Women, girls, or cooks/cleaners, whatever it is you refer to them as, like two types of guys. 1) A guy who treats them like shit and is a complete asshole and 2) A guy with a lot of experience, especially in the bedroom. The reason they like assholes is because they see it as a way to try and figure out why he is an asshole and try to change him. The reason they like guys with a shit ton of experience is rather obvious. Because they know what the fuck they're doing. And if you can find a guy that has both qualities, well in the world of female thinking, they just hit the fucking jackpot.

Every so many years I hear people at accredited universities and colleges run tests and do experiments and conduct research and claim that women on the average are smarter than men. I would like to meet every one of these pieces of shit and kick them all in the throat. Not only do girls have zero intelligence, they are all fucking lunatics. Every single one of them is crazy in some aspect. For Christ's sake they don't even know what they want in a man. Yeah I know, someone with money, who is tall, well-educated, handsome, and a piece of shit who treats them like the neighborhood stray. Get your heads out of your asses and open your fucking minds, you supposed smart-asses.

I have a sister. She recently met a guy who is too nice. Yes, too nice. Never in my life have I considered that to be a negative quality. But when I was told by the four other girls in the room that being too nice is a problem, I nearly had a seizure. Being with a guy who is too nice is too predictable. He always does the right thing, and good God-Almighty that is 100% unacceptable. All of them are so wrapped up in finding something that doesn't exist. Like dinosaurs. If someone opens the door for you, and pays for dinner, and walks you home, they clearly have good moral values. But if they don't return your texts, or go Dutch on dinner, and then bang you and never speak to you again, they are suddenly intriguing. Being a cook/cleaner must be the worst thing ever.

So this weekend taught me so many things. Never treat a girl with respect, because they will not find any interest in you. Make sure you bang as many things as you can because the better you are at it, the better they will like you. And never, ever let them finish first. Having sex is like running in a race. The faster you finish, the better off you are. But if you are a nice guy you will always finish last. In terms of relationships, life, and sex, it is better to always finish first. Because assholes finish first and when I do finally have sexual intercourse I will win because not only am I better than her, but "I am better than you."

I Was Friends With A Lot Of Shitty Humans In College

College. A time of growing up. Finding out who you really are deep down, past the flabby stomach and the clogged arteries. In some ways, college was wonderful. Actually, in all ways, college was wonderful. The person who says that high school is the best four years of your life clearly never made it to college. College, for me, allowed me the opportunity to meet some of the best and worst people in all of the universe. All of my friends that I made are shitheads. But the biggest shithead of them all will always be me. They brought out the best and only the best in me. Here is my thanks to you you pieces of shit.

Throughout freshman year, I met a shit ton of people. Maybe because it was new. Maybe because people were dying to befriend me. I still don't know till this day. But I can never get over the people I shared a bathroom with for my first year of college. My roommate loved school. A really nice kid, but he loved school. Nothing wrong with that, but I wish he had partied more. The Asians next door. They managed to randomly place 3 Asians in the same room, right next to me. They liked smoking pot. Not your typical Asian. But they also liked playing video games. Zingggggg! There's the stereotype I was looking for! The swimmers. They swam and liked to party. Great guys, couldn't have been any nicer.

The other side of the bathroom had us a very liberal Jew. A very New Jersey New Jerseyan. Two New Yawkers. A Philly boy. And a hick. I had to have one, I mean I went to school in Virginia they were bound to show up eventually. All of us got along real well. We partied. We drank frequently. We ate together. We shit together. Easily the best year of my life. Nothing can compare, nothing will compare. Ever. For the rest of my life.

Then we had the girls on the second floor. The loud party animal. Her roommate, who was the sweetest nicest girl ever. The girl who had hair from the 80s. Her rocker, death-metal roomie. Another Jersey girl and her smart Jewish roommate. Great group of gals who I surely miss getting hammered with. And then we had the third floor girls. Way too much detail so I'll simply say they were good to us. All in all our dorm was made up of the greatest people one could ask for. A unit that stuck together through thick and thin and got drunk every week.

Sophomore year saw a time for expansion. For the first time in our lives we lived on "our own". No RA's, no parents, no guardians. Just us to govern ourselves. From indoor soccer and volleyball, to keggers and wallball, the memories will be forever endless. The girls next door who threw their own parties and smoked cigarettes with us. You were wonderful. To the asshole who lived a couple of units away who watched the Fox Soccer Channel, even when nobody was home, I miss it. And HBO movies that were too awful to express. It was the first time I got to watch 'The Wicker Man'. And boy was it terrible. The three of you know who you are and I loved every minute living with you guys.

Junior year gave everything a new meaning. To my roommate who loves Batman and terrible television, wouldn't have wanted to watch with anybody else. You know what show I'm referencing. And my other new roommate who wants to achieve world peace. You are a crazy liberal, but I couldn't respect what you're doing any more, despite the fact that I hate everyone and everything that isn't associated with me. You two provided a school year that saw the arrival of new friends and new people for me to hate. And for that, fuck you two idiots.

Senior year was the icing on the cake. Friends girlfriends, trivia nights, neighbors, and a big bear. I can't even begin to describe the shit that happened that last year of college. From the intense snowstorm, to the definition of the Night Whalers. Memories will flood my brain for the rest of my existence. Surely all you dumb idiots have made my life better and I forever will be thankful. Devil sticks, wiffleball bats, 1161 B-Ball. The best times I could have ever asked for. Now that I sit at home in my room and type this I get disappointed in all of the things I didn't do. College is only around for 4 years. Make all of them count. Just because they made me better doesn't mean I can't say that "I am better than you."

UVA, News Anchors, And Random Food For Thought

Today I feel lazy so what I'm going to do is post a story that one of my readers sent me. I will keep their identity private. Please be advised there is some pretty foul language in here. All the more reason to get a good laugh out of it. Enjoy.

Feb 2008
I was sitting outside Market One today eating my usual, only meal of the day, which consists of something along the lines of a Snickers bar and a couple of laxatives enjoying yet another shitty day in Harrisonburg. As always, I was checking out girls and rating them on my 1-10 scale and finding humor in their shortcomings. A couple fatties, some pretty hot ones. Then you start thinking about what kind of panties they have on, if they give good head and how beat up their vag is. I can always visualize a girl’s pussy just by looking at her. I have an innate ability to distinguish between a clop of shredded roast beef with guacamole sauce on it from a perfect little taco made by the crafty hands of a Spic. Suddenly, some stupid bitch with a video camera and a tripod walked up to me and interrupted. I was already fucking pissed at life, having to endure the fags of UVA the entire day before.
“Hey, my name is some stupid slut! I am from blah blah blah stupid liberal news station. I am looking to interview insightful students on campus about the NIU shootings.”
“Good luck with that,” I said because I was more interested in the visual of her naked that was in my head.
“What do you think about it?”
“Sucks for them,” still not listening or caring about a damn thing she had to say because she looked stupid.
“What do you think about gun control? Should people have the right to have concealed weapons on a college campus?”
At this point I am left to ponder some things: Why the fuck is she talking to me? Do I look like I care about anyone or anything other than myself? Is her vagina really as saggy and pwned as I think?
“Not psychos like him.” I continued to eat some laxatives. It is a healthy alternative to bulimia. She knows this so she is jealous. I just like the taste.
“Ummmm, could you elaborate? I would like to film you on camera so we can get an idea of what students on campus think,” said the stupid cunt.
“Well, I’m not trying to get shot by some loser who has no friends. Don’t be mad at me for your shortcomings. You shouldn’t watch too much Star Trek as a kid.” As I said it, she began writing my brilliant testimony down onto a notepad, but then she stopped. I’m assuming it was somewhere between loser and Star Trek that she wasn’t too happy about.
“Uhhh, can you be a little more insightful?”
“No.”
She walked away and interviewed some ugly girls next to me wearing their letters for some stupid ass band fraternity.

Dinosaurs Are NOT Real And I Can Prove It

When I first made this statement off-hand a little while ago, I was looked at like a buffoon. Little did my detractors know that I had proof that dinosaurs never existed. My proof? A brain. From the very beginning of our lives, we learned in school about dinosaurs that used to walk the earth and run shit. They ate plants, each other, or both. But nobody saw any of these dinosaurs because they existed 34,000,000 million years ago or some other bullshit like that. So first you want me to believe that something like 25x the size of an elephant existed? And then you want me to believe that the earth is that old? Now that's some psycho-babble bullshit.

Yes I saw Role Models. Yes I am aware of birds. No don't be a dumbass and think to yourself that they are what's left of the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs never existed. They were made up by people who wanted to travel the world and needed an excuse from the government for funding. I'm almost 100% certain that a liberal was in office when archaelogists became a profession. It is almost as respectable as being a climatologist. Whereas we watch the weathermen/women be wrong in predicting weather three days in the future, we have people who watch patterns over a longer period of time and try to predict it. So they don't know the weather at the end of the week but can tell me what it will be in June? Hot, I'm sure.

Think about it. I live in New Jersey. One of the shittiest states in the Union besides Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Connecticut. Why is it that there are no dinosaur fossils anywhere near the United States? If this whole Pangaea nonsense is in fact true and the entire world was connected together at one point, wouldn't the fossils be spread around evenly? So they typically only find fossils in Canyon-like areas in the Middle East or Africa or Australia. But never in North America? Hmm. That seems a bit off to me. Needless to say, archaelogists have also never found an entire dinosaurs' remains. And don't you dare say because it's 34,000,000 million years old. It's because they never existed.

So what is it that you say those fossils are then? Simple. Just plain animals. They predict based on the fossils they found what the dinosaur would have looked like instead of accepting what that animal they just found actually looked like. Stop believing everything you read. Dinosaurs aren't real. And this doesn't have anything to do with my religious beliefs. In fact, I don't have any. At all. I simply don't believe dinosaurs existed because it seems too improbable. That's why I never saw Jurassic Park. And because I think Jeff Goldblum is the second worst actor of all-time, behind Nicolas Cage. However, you already knew that.

The only good thing about dinosaurs are the films "The Land Before Time". All of them. Great story, great editing, strong script, and superb voices. In all honesty, those movies are more believable than actual dinosaurs. Littlefoot is the most badass character in any animated film ever. You wouldn't want to mess with him because he was on a mission, going for some payback for his momma getting killed. Excellent film that gets my approval. Not an easy feat.

Down the road, when somebody chooses to have sex with you and get pregnant with your first child, make sure you teach that ugly piece of shit that dinosaurs never have existed. It will be in your best interest as well as the future generations if they are taught from an early age not to believe in fake things. Much like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They will turn out living a much better life and you have me to thank for it. Let's applaud me for doing a great service for these United States. All just because "I am better than you."

Celery: Sometimes The Devil Wears Green, Not Prada

As most of my college friends know, I have a problem with celery. This problem stalks, I mean starts with a very unfortunate incident that took place too many years ago. For those of you who don't know the "Celery Story", brace yourselves because it is easily the shittiest and worst of all my terrible stories. Just so you know, I withheld this story from my closest friends until I graduated college. That's four years of amping up a story that has no bearing whatsoever on you at all. Yet, I kept building and building until finally they didn't care about it anymore. And just like that graduation came and the story was told. And no, celery was never stuck up my ass like some had suggested. Here we go.

It was around the year 2000. A new millenium. A time to embrace Y2K. A time to visit my grandmother's house. My grandmother was very close to me, so I never minded going to her house. Plus, she always had Twizzlers. So my mom, sister, and me venture over to her house to hang out on a Saturday afternoon. The typical Saturday involved going out to eat, maybe a little shopping and the eventual storytelling for 15 hours. Those Saturday's were the best. Nothing to worry about. No hangover, no problem.

Since I was always a phenomenal athlete and a registered in-shape guru, I had probably run like 30 miles earlier in the day in about 20 minutes. Which meant that I was really thirsty. Like I had never been before. And my sister was also just as thirsty, oddly. So we ask our grandmother what she had for us. It was either going to be a glass of water (Blah!). People who drink water are clearly the most boring people you will ever meet. Or it was going to be Dr. Brown's Celery Soda. Yes, you read that correctly. Celery Soda. A concoction of celery, carbon, and sugar. And God knows what other shit bottling companies throw in there.

Those who are very close to me know I'm not much of a risk taker. Very conservative thinker with my best intentions in mind. Today was a different day though because I chose to drink the Celery Soda. Writing this down right now is very difficult for me. So I crack open the can and take a sip. Putrid. Vomit-inducing. The taste is the absolute worst thing I have ever put in my mouth. My gut tells me no more, but my brain says finish it. So I chug the remainder of the can, like a dumb ass. The biggest mistake I have ever made in an otherwise perfect life. My sister isn't much of a fan either, but she maintains to keep it together.

I'm miserable for the rest of the day there. No amount of Twizzlers will subdue the shit I just swallowed. In fact, shit may have been a better choice to swallow at that point in time. Regardless, we get home and I brush my teeth and head to sleep. I awake at 2:30 a.m. to produce a healthy amount of vomit into my trash. Puking my guts up like I was beyond blacked out. I go brush my teeth again to reduce the taste of vomit/celery in my mouth, but nothing will do. I go back to sleep. The next morning I wake up and make a pledge to myself to never go near celery again.

Chicken Wings are now ruined if they touch celery. When my mom makes soup, I need to leave because the scent of celery makes me naseous. Celery is officially banned from my life. What also bothers me about celery, is that girls eat it because it's the only food that burns more calories than it contains or some yuppy shit like that. How about just working out, instead of putting that devilish, disgusting product in your mouth? I don't respect people who eat celery or threaten to put it in my mouth, ears, or nostrils when I am sleeping. Let this be a lesson to all of you that I do not tolerate celery or those who eat it. If you are a friend and you want to remain friends, then stop eating it. I won this battle because I always tell celery that, "I am better than you."

Golden Globes Should Only Refer To Tits, Not Dumbass Awards Shows

Unless you live under a rock, or you're like me and don't give a shit, the Golden Globes took place last night from Los Angeles or something. But obviously some people care because it got 17 million viewers last night. Strange really. I could never understand why people took the time to watch this kind of stuff, but I suppose you could ask that about anything that somebody does. But an awards show? Really? The whole concept seems so boring and you end up watching people that are skinnier and better looking than you for 4 or 5 hours. Because you obviously need to watch the pre-pre show, followed by the pre-show, and then the actual show itself. Don't forget the after-show. L-A-M-E as shit.

If I wanted to look at an old, decrepid, and weathered face I'd spend my time at a retirement home. Joan Rivers and her repugnant daughter Melissa are easily the two most attrocious villains that I could ever draw up. It's almost as if they try to be as ugly and obnoxious as possible. Why can't these television stations find interesting, well-articulated, and good-looking people to do the interviews? Someone like me. Someone who won't pass up the chance to ask cool questions. Like to Mrs. Decker, "How many people did you sleep with before you met Andy Roddick?" Or to Natalie Portman, "Why don't you use protection, idiot?"

There should be more to life than celebrating people who already have it better than us in each and every way. By us, I mean you. They get to have sexy time with whomever they please at any given moment. They eat at all the finest dining establishments. They get paid millions and millions of dollars to play a character. It is the optimal lifestyle. People stalk you and take pictures of your every move. So I want to know what degenerate thought it was a good idea to give these people awards? It isn't enough that you people celebrate them every day? You want to give them more time to be in the limelight? It just doesn't seem to add up.

When I finally get a full-time job and become a somebody, I want to receive statues and shit at least once a year because I will be the best at what I do. I want to hold a goddamn gala celebrating all the wonderful things I did for the year. Because this is how we aggrandize these asshole celebrities every year. One of you should come to my local Wendy's at this time next year with a plaque that says 'Best Custodial Technician' and present it to me. Sounds ridiculous right? Yes, except that I want someone to give me that award. Let's stop giving people awards for doing their extremely well-paying jobs.

And to cap it all off, they party afterwards like they just lost their virginity. When I lose my virginity, I will definitely do like these famous assholes do and crush liquor and drugs. You see all these pictures on celebrity gossip sites and on t.v. and in tabloids and it looks like the greatest party I have ever been to, times 10. And that's only because I don't have any friends nor have I ever been invited to one. But I can tell that this is finally my year. 2011. Time for hope and change. Thanks Obama.

The moral of the story is the only thing good about these damn awards shows are that the women try to dress as slutty and sexy as humanly possible. They wear their Gucci, and Prada, and Abercrombie & Fitch clothes, and all the guys get to look at them and think what it would be like to be with them. Inside of them. Because people, emotions are the foundation of any healthy relationship. You want to be inside your partner and your partner to be inside of you. Ask Russell Brand about it. The next time somebody says Golden Globes to me, I hope they are referring to breasts because those are the best kinds of globes. If you don't agree, it doesn't matter because "I am better than you."