If You're Fat, You're Disgusting. Don't Be Fat And Disgusting

Let me paint the picture. Sitting in the living room on a Friday night, around 10:15pm. To your right, your mom. In front of you, the television. What's on? Say Yes to the Dress or #SYTTD. Why am I watching this on a Friday night instead of drinking at a bar? Easy. I have no friends or money. But something occurred during this episode that infuriated me. There was a disgustingly obese women crying about how the store didn't have any dresses that fit her or ones that showed too much of her tits. I then made a comment, aloud. "What a fat disgusting slob." My mother's retort was what incensed me. "Not everyone can be a skinny mini." That is categorically untrue.

I used to work in two separate offices that were located higher than the first floor. They both, coincidentally, were on the 5th floor. At this point in time, I stopped working out and gave up on doing any and all physical activities. I ate like shit, I drank a lot, and I smoked cigarettes. But, I walked up the steps to my workplace on the 5th floor every day. It was the least I could do. I bring this up because nothing angered me more than individuals, fat or skinny, that would take that elevator on the 5th level down ONE floor. ONE. Walking down stairs is not nearly as physically daunting as going up stairs. But these lazy pieces of shit couldn't manage to go down ONE floor. This is why America is obese.

Back to why everyone CAN be a skinny mini. I hate the bullshit argument that some people are pre-disposed to a "fat gene" that causes them to be obese. Or that it takes a lot of effort for them to lose weight. I don't buy it. But let's say that it is true, is it okay for us to ridicule them for being lazy then? I love fried chicken. I think it's one of the greatest things in the whole world. But instead of eating a 12pc mixed bucket from Popeyes, maybe I'll eat 3. Instead of drinking a 2 liter bottle of Coke, or obese people's favorite (Diet Coke), drink water. Like 8 cups a day. And have the fat's heard of something called exercise? Anyone can do it.

"But I work 9-5 and when I get home I'm too tired". Well maybe being single, sleeping alone, and weighing 250lbs is a wake up call. "But I can't afford to go to the gym. It's very expensive." The last time I checked, running was free. It's one of the few great exercises that costs literally nothing. You can do it anywhere in the world. You can run in the cold. You can run in the heat. You can't run on ice. I suppose you could, but you're going to have a bad time. Too fat to start off running? Jog. Too fat to jog? Walk. Too fat to walk? Stop eating. It's unbecoming and off-putting to see fat people because it's the one thing they can control.

I can understand if you're ugly. It's really expensive to get plastic surgery. Face wash can be expensive. Proactiv is for adolescent assholes and desperate celebrities. So if you're ugly, well sorry there isn't much hope for you. But being fat? It's 100% preventable, curable, treatable. All you need is a little bit of motivation.  Maybe get a treadmill. Put a picture of Ryan Gosling in front of you like a carrot on a string. Chase him. Chase something. But don't tell me there isn't anything you can do about being fat and obese and disgusting. At my fattest peak, I weighed 190lbs. Not crazy big, but I weighed 155lbs for roughly 7 years. I stopped eating fast food. I stopped drinking soda. I started by running 1 mile a day 5 days a week. Added a 1/2 mile every week until I got to 8 miles. I ate mixed nuts instead of potato chips. I ate grilled chicken instead of fried. I ate a salad and fruit instead of starburst and skittles. I'm down to 160lbs. Fuck off, fat.

Now I don't condone shaming fat people to their face. In this day and age of hypersensitivity and political correctness (thanks Obama) to anything and everything and people killing themselves as an escape, I prefer the passive aggressive route. Write a couple of paragraphs about how fat people disgust you. How they make excuses as to why they're fat. How, of all things, being skinny is something ANYONE can achieve. Are some people more inclined to be skinny based on their genetics? Absolutely. But, again, ANYONE can get skinny. Not by getting lapband surgery. Not by getting gastric bypass surgery. Not by drinking 2 liters of Diet Coke a day. By eating right and exercising. Especially because exercise is free. Walking, running, jogging, crunches, squats, push-ups, sit-ups, lunges. All free. So stop being fat and obese and disgusting. Start getting fit and healthy and skinny. ANYONE can be a skinny mini. And don't forget, I am better than you.

The Easiest Way To Lose Weight Is To Have Never Gotten Fat To Begin With

I'm tired of looking at people who are fat. I understand that being fat has its perks, like it not hurting when you fall on your ass/cottage cheese, or knowing that whatever you wear, you'll probably look terrible regardless. It just pains me so much because if everyone had a natural physique like mine, the world would be a better place. I've seen people of all shapes and sizes and the ones who are most repulsive are those who are obese. Obesity is a disease in which you can't stop eating because you have no self-value and very little care in your appearance. I am here to help.

I recently read a study that linked childhood obesity with an insufficient amount of sleep. If you are laughing, stop, because that's apparently real. Yes children are fucking fatso's because they aren't getting enough sleep. Let's disregard all the fucking happy meals they're eating and the 12 cans of soda they drink a day, as well as the time video games consume their souls. I swear to God researchers are the dumbest motherfuckers around. To even make a statement like that is borderline retarded. Excuses are like assholes, everybody has one and they all stink. But I have a solution or five.

Like the title says the easiest way to lose weight is to never put it on in the first place. But since none of us are perfect (besides me) I did a little research. One of the first ways you can prevent yourself from becoming fat or to stop being fat is bulimia. I understand throwing up is not an ideal situation for everyone, but optimal for losing excess weight. If you don't want the acid to burn your esophogus there is always solution number two, anorexia. Stopping yourself from eating is a great way to cut down on ghastly weight gains. And lastly, we have laxatives. This way you can poop out all those unwanted Big Mac's. However, I should note that this measure is only for the males because, as we all know, girls don't poop.

We shouldn't be celebrating those who are obese. "The Biggest Loser" is an example as to why our country is looked upon like a big joke. We are putting fat fucking losers on television and then paying them to lose weight. PAYING people to lose weight. Gone are the days of looking good for yourself. If it doesn't amount to a paycheck, than it isn't worth our time? Right? How nieve and despicable we truly are. And I blame that liberal Obama who's in the White House for this. If we had jobs we wouldn't resort to getting fat so that we can earn a paycheck.

No, there is no such thing as an obese gene. Yes, these people can help it. We all go through rough times and to blame your mortifying weight gain on your problems is foolish and unacceptable. If you don't have a good metabolism, eat three meals a day. Work out. Run. Jog. Stop eating. Stop drinking. Obesity is very easy to overcome. I joked about it before, but seriously, it doesn't take much to lose weight. Stop blaming a lack of sleep on childhood obesity. Start taking responsibility for your poor actions. Life is too short to dance with fat chicks. Keep that in mind to the four girls reading this, because I will only dance with you if you are indeed skinny. I am and that already means "I am better than you."

Nice Guys Finish Last, Even In The Bedroom

I learned a lot of things this weekend. Being nice, when it involves dating and relationships is the wrong route to go. For some reason, females tend to have a problem with guys who treat them well. Why exactly? I don't have an official answer, but one that I conjured up with the enormous brain I carry around all day long. Girls enjoy the challenge of breaking down a guy with "mysterious" qualities. He needs to have an edge, something that separates him from everyone else. If he's a dickhead, surely there is a reason as to why. But what dumbass girls don't understand is, there is NO reason, except to get in your pants.

Women, girls, or cooks/cleaners, whatever it is you refer to them as, like two types of guys. 1) A guy who treats them like shit and is a complete asshole and 2) A guy with a lot of experience, especially in the bedroom. The reason they like assholes is because they see it as a way to try and figure out why he is an asshole and try to change him. The reason they like guys with a shit ton of experience is rather obvious. Because they know what the fuck they're doing. And if you can find a guy that has both qualities, well in the world of female thinking, they just hit the fucking jackpot.

Every so many years I hear people at accredited universities and colleges run tests and do experiments and conduct research and claim that women on the average are smarter than men. I would like to meet every one of these pieces of shit and kick them all in the throat. Not only do girls have zero intelligence, they are all fucking lunatics. Every single one of them is crazy in some aspect. For Christ's sake they don't even know what they want in a man. Yeah I know, someone with money, who is tall, well-educated, handsome, and a piece of shit who treats them like the neighborhood stray. Get your heads out of your asses and open your fucking minds, you supposed smart-asses.

I have a sister. She recently met a guy who is too nice. Yes, too nice. Never in my life have I considered that to be a negative quality. But when I was told by the four other girls in the room that being too nice is a problem, I nearly had a seizure. Being with a guy who is too nice is too predictable. He always does the right thing, and good God-Almighty that is 100% unacceptable. All of them are so wrapped up in finding something that doesn't exist. Like dinosaurs. If someone opens the door for you, and pays for dinner, and walks you home, they clearly have good moral values. But if they don't return your texts, or go Dutch on dinner, and then bang you and never speak to you again, they are suddenly intriguing. Being a cook/cleaner must be the worst thing ever.

So this weekend taught me so many things. Never treat a girl with respect, because they will not find any interest in you. Make sure you bang as many things as you can because the better you are at it, the better they will like you. And never, ever let them finish first. Having sex is like running in a race. The faster you finish, the better off you are. But if you are a nice guy you will always finish last. In terms of relationships, life, and sex, it is better to always finish first. Because assholes finish first and when I do finally have sexual intercourse I will win because not only am I better than her, but "I am better than you."