First of all, for the casual dating sites, I almost suggest not even bothering trying. Every profile I've ever come across, studied, stalked pictures of, are all the same. Girls will routinely post the following: "looking for my partner in crime" "I loveeeeeeeeee to travel and am looking for someone to travel with me (aka pay for my airfare/hotel/shopping)" "looking for a good reason to finally delete this" "I'm a foodie, and I love to eat" "I have an average body" "Just ask". Now this isn't every profile I've ever come across, but I'd say it's a solid 95%. And I must not forget about "not looking to play games. I want something real" What the fuck does that even mean?
I don't what playing games mean. Are we talking about Connect Four or Trouble? Maybe Monopoly, are those the games you're talking about? I never understood it and at this point, I'm too afraid to even ask. I also don't know why females need someone to commit crimes with them. For how much they worry about what I do for a living and how much money I make, they sure seem intent on sending me to jail. Partner in crime? What, do you want to go rob a bank? Maybe break-in to some houses? Sorry lady. I'm not participating with you. Additionally, average body/curvy also means fat. But I guess if you write that you're fat, skinny, handsome guys like myself will have zero interest in creating conversation or offspring with you.
This leads me to the semi-serious dating sites. I joined EHarmony under the influence of alcohol and my sister's nudging. Let me start by saying it was the worst $180 I ever spent. I don't know what possessed me into thinking spending money on a dating site was a good idea. I could just go to the bar and pick up a hog with a great personality for free. But since I'm a virgin, I hold myself to unrealistic, high standards. I just hope that if someone is reading this and they are on the fence about joining a site like that, don't. I had checked every day, obviously because I paid for it just to see nothing changing. There were girls on there who hadn't been on the site for over 30 days (because they didn't show any further than that). You could send messages to every girl you "match" with and never get a response back. For girls who are incredibly desperate, they sure as shit don't act like it on these sites.
I didn't have much success with Tinder because I didn't send funny puns that led to 5 more texts and then a drop off the face of the Earth. I didn't have pictures of myself with my shirt off in the mirror or pretending to lift heavy weights in the gym. I'm just a normal fucking guy who was casually trying to meet cute females. No luck. Tinder is lame as fuck. And really, Netflix and chill? That shit works? How long does my dick need to be in order to pull that off? Zero one-night stands using the aforementioned dating sites.
So I tried my hand at Grindr. I heard lots of great things about it. People tend to meet a lot of people on there and the hookups seem to be in huge droves. So I log in and all I see is guys. I'm scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. No girls. Just guys. And they all appear to be gay. I know because one of them messaged me asking to suck my weiner. I was flattered, but I'm looking for some bush. Grindr DEFINITELY is not for the straights. JDate is mostly for Jewish people, and Farmers Only is surprisingly only for farmers. So that's some prejudiced bullshit right there.
6 dating websites. 0 successes. I've realized I have to just get setup with someone from work. A friend of a friend. My cousin. Wait for one of my sister's friends to get divorced and they're on the rebound. That's the only real hope I seem to have. It's either that or going to the bar, getting drunk, and hoping that the girls enjoy my calling them Obama or Sotomayor. So far, that's been strike-out city for me. If you happen to know anyone who is desperate, shy, got a big fat booty, likes jigsaw puzzles, and cuddling, be sure to send her to my blog or Twitter. All's I'llend up telling her is "I am better than you."
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