First Impression Mike Strikes Again!

I have a talent. A real genuine talent that very few others can claim. I have the distinction of making very memorable first impressions. People rarely forget who I am after they meet me, and some would contest that that's a beautiful thing. Those who are contesting have obviously never met "First Impression Mike". You can say that in your life, you only have one chance to make a first impression with somebody. Once they already know you it's too late. Knowing this, I have made the worst first impressions in the history of mankind. Ask my college roommates/friends that have the distinction of calling me First Impression Mike about it. I'm sure they can tell you many unflattering things, not because I make good ones, but in fact the complete opposite.

I never quite made the connection until they started calling me that. I either make a really offensive, non-funny joke, say something completely uncalled for and vulgar, ridicule them for being far more inferior to me, or a combination of all of the above. And my reasoning for such first impressions was because I wanted to test the waters with these people I was just meeting. How would they handle me telling them that they look like a fucking moron? That I don't care what they do for a living, I'm just trying to make bullshit conversation? That I don't care if their daughter gets raped? Or just talking openly about some of my sexual exploits, none of which involve penetration because I'm still waiting for the right girl. (Really, no one is willing to take the card.) This is how I based my pending friendship with them.

But yesterday was different. March 5, 2011 was a unique day in the history of First Impression Mike. For the first time since I can remember, I didn't fuck up. I met someone and I didn't fuck it up. At this stage in my life, being a 22-year-old single male with great looks and a great personality, when I go out I should be approaching girls and trying to get into their pants. But instead, I started talking to a guy about my life. (No, I'm not for the gays) Nice guy who was learning the very basic ins-and-outs of a very wonderful human, me. Next thing you know, my work situation comes up. Since I'm unemployed I begin to explain how I hate my life. He shoots back at me with a business card and tells me to send him my resume so he could, in turn, send it to some people he knows. Things are looking up.

Now before you get creeped out, he wasn't just some rando. He's friends with my sister-ish and she apparently put in the good word prior to our meeting. Was he aware of my true identity? I doubt it seriously. I mean, it's not like we look alike or anything. But regardless, I easily could have fucked up that encounter. All it would take would be for me to say something stupid, like "Who's dick did you suck to get your job?" But I refrained. I used a social filter. Why? Beats me. But I can remember not even thinking such vulgar, asinine comments in my brain. Am I finally growing up? Anything is possibleeee.

So for the first time in a long while, I have something to look forward to. Nothing was promised to me, but the idea that somebody is going to attempt to help me out is a step in the right direction. I'm beginning to think that I should act more appropriately when I first meet people because it might turn out that they like me and might try to help me with different problems I might be having. I went from being the Zagat rated #1 Worst First Impressionist in 2008, to a respectable human that could hold a normal conversation. Blue skies might be flying over my horizon real soon, and for that I must say "I am better than you."

Glasses: A Girl's Best Friend After She Becomes A Consenting Adult

When I was in the third grade, I began having problems with my eyes. I was doing a lot of squinting at the blackboard, even though it's green, and a lot of squinting at the television when I was at home. This resulted in my first appointment at the eye doctor and the eventual prescription of glasses. A new nickname had been born. Four eyes. Yep, even the greatest of them all have been ridiculed at some point in time in their life. Luckily for me, I have not been made fun of once since that disgraceful time period. Indubitably since circa 97, glasses have become much more than a tool to make fun of someone. They have become a sex symbol.

I don't like reading books. Since my inception in 1988, I have read a grand total of approximately 30 books. That might be a generous number, or I might have low-balled it a little bit. Either way, reading is not for me. So fortunately I have you readers to thank because without you, these would just be words on a page. But I digress. Have you ever watched a porno movie? Maybe a clip on a popular pornographic website? I know all the males reading this have. And probably some of the perverted girls too. I know girls like porn. All guys know it. And nothing is as great as looking at a sexy librarian.

What makes the librarian sexy, you ask? Is it her short skirt and long hair? Is it her size 36 DD breasts? Or is it the fact that she is wearing glasses? The answer shouldn't surprise you because I know for a fact that it's her glasses. Girls who wear glasses that are above the age of 18 generate a level of sexiness that can only be found in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Glasses provide the female figure with a sense of innocence and naivety. Sure, she might be cute without them, but those glasses put her in another level. Truer words have never been spoken.

When I was in college I met a lot of great girls who were smart and liked to party. Conveniently, most of them had shitty eyesight. Which means I had the privilege of creepily staring at them while they "studied" with their glasses on. And I would bet my lifesavings of $150.43 that they were harassed in grammar school. Now those same assholes who picked on them and mutilated their self-esteem are regretting it now big time. All of a sudden these girls who were so vile and repugnant and looked like Harriet the Spy, are getting hit on at an exponential rate. They seemingly went from a 4 to a solid 8 and 1/2. I fell in love with all of them at some point in time because they all looked so ferocious and delightful. So now you girls know.

What makes a slutty doctor look good? What about a slutty librarian? Or even a slutty teacher? There's a theme that I'm trying to get you to pick up on. Did you get it? Glasses, you silly fucks. They all look remarkable in glasses. If you are in the luxury of your own home/apartment/cubicle go ahead and google "girls with glasses" and mystify yourself with the results. Every chick looks great in glasses. Remember one of my first posts about Jane Krakowski and Tina Fey? Why do people find her attractive (Fey)? Her humor or her glasses? Checkmate. So in the near future when you have boys as children, remind them not to tease girls with glasses because they will turn out to look hot as shit. I did but, "I am better than you."

P.S. See what I mean

***Photo courtesy of http://xaxor.com/images/9856325

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UVA, News Anchors, And Random Food For Thought

Today I feel lazy so what I'm going to do is post a story that one of my readers sent me. I will keep their identity private. Please be advised there is some pretty foul language in here. All the more reason to get a good laugh out of it. Enjoy.

Feb 2008
I was sitting outside Market One today eating my usual, only meal of the day, which consists of something along the lines of a Snickers bar and a couple of laxatives enjoying yet another shitty day in Harrisonburg. As always, I was checking out girls and rating them on my 1-10 scale and finding humor in their shortcomings. A couple fatties, some pretty hot ones. Then you start thinking about what kind of panties they have on, if they give good head and how beat up their vag is. I can always visualize a girl’s pussy just by looking at her. I have an innate ability to distinguish between a clop of shredded roast beef with guacamole sauce on it from a perfect little taco made by the crafty hands of a Spic. Suddenly, some stupid bitch with a video camera and a tripod walked up to me and interrupted. I was already fucking pissed at life, having to endure the fags of UVA the entire day before.
“Hey, my name is some stupid slut! I am from blah blah blah stupid liberal news station. I am looking to interview insightful students on campus about the NIU shootings.”
“Good luck with that,” I said because I was more interested in the visual of her naked that was in my head.
“What do you think about it?”
“Sucks for them,” still not listening or caring about a damn thing she had to say because she looked stupid.
“What do you think about gun control? Should people have the right to have concealed weapons on a college campus?”
At this point I am left to ponder some things: Why the fuck is she talking to me? Do I look like I care about anyone or anything other than myself? Is her vagina really as saggy and pwned as I think?
“Not psychos like him.” I continued to eat some laxatives. It is a healthy alternative to bulimia. She knows this so she is jealous. I just like the taste.
“Ummmm, could you elaborate? I would like to film you on camera so we can get an idea of what students on campus think,” said the stupid cunt.
“Well, I’m not trying to get shot by some loser who has no friends. Don’t be mad at me for your shortcomings. You shouldn’t watch too much Star Trek as a kid.” As I said it, she began writing my brilliant testimony down onto a notepad, but then she stopped. I’m assuming it was somewhere between loser and Star Trek that she wasn’t too happy about.
“Uhhh, can you be a little more insightful?”
“No.”
She walked away and interviewed some ugly girls next to me wearing their letters for some stupid ass band fraternity.