1.13.2011

Burger King's Food Is About As Good As The Baltimore Orioles

Out of all the fast-food restaurants where you can improve your physique and eat like a champion, Burger King rates last on every level. For one, what kind of quality product are you getting when they advertise every 30 seconds for a buy one get one free Original Chicken Sandwich? Excuse me Burger King, but are you claiming to have the original chicken sandwich? Your fine dining establishment is the first in the history of the world to offer a chicken sandwich? Isn't the name of your bullshit restaurant Burger King? But you have the original chicken sandwich? Mind-boggling.

Do you know what kind of people typically eat at Burger King? Uneducated ones who are probably liberal and hope to get Mad Cow Disease. For the longest time I didn't eat beef because of that MCD scare at Burger King in the late 90s. Ruined it for me. But since I've grown up now, I dominate beef just like I dominate life. But I don't dominate the beef at Burger King because nothing there is worthwhile. The fries, the value menu, the toys in their kids meal. None of it compels me to go there.

At least if you want good tasting French fries you know to go to McDonald's. Or chicken Mcnuggets or a Mcchicken or a Mcdouble. The options are truly endless at such a premiere fast-food joint. Wendy's has the almighty #6. If you don't know what that is then you are truly not a fast-food aficionado and need to step your game up before you continue reading my blog. But now even Wendy's has a solid dollar menu. We used to eat like kings at college. And not Burger Kings either. I have no reason to ever go there because they don't have anything that stands out.

And what the fuck kind of commercials were they showing on television not that long ago? A scary ass king looking guy that was clearly based on the most disgusting pedophile ever. That was not the best marketing option that Burger King ever laid out. Those commercials genuinely scared me because I thought some sicko in a Burger King getup was going to attack me and my perfect body while going to throw the garbage in the dump. These are the kinds of things you have to be aware of when people are envious of your insanely superb figure.

So aside from the fact that they have nothing great to get there, they have pedophiles running around on their commercials. And now their latest downfall? Like the Orioles in drafting shitty college kids and high school players, and the occasional signing of a washed-up veteran, Burger King has just added a stuffed jalapeno and cheddar burger to their menu. Bad decisions ruin franchises. Stop trying to copy KFC by creating a sandwich that is so saturated in fat and can kill you in one bite. The advantage to KFC is that the DoubleDown tasted good. This cheddar-jalapeno concoction of shit will not. Give up Burger King no one likes you.

Like a wise man once told me, "Jealousy takes mannnnnnnnyyyyy forms". Unfortunately for Burger King no one is jealous of their mediocre sandwiches and dumb ass commercials. The important lesson you take from this today is that despite what Burger King tells you, they do not have the Original Chicken Sandwich, because they were founded strictly for their propensity to sell burgers. If you are an idiot and you like eating shit, by all means go to Burger King because in due time you will end up with Mad Cow and I'll be the one to say I told you so. I on the other hand will never go there again simply because, "I am better than you."


2 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are wrong, Burger King is clearly superior. You're just jelly, because you are not the king of delicious nutritious foodstuffs of this great country.

    ReplyDelete