New Year's Resolutions

December 31. A time to embrace change. A time to look ahead. A new beginning. Each year we celebrate as a nation, as a world for the upcoming year. Did you ever wonder why we do? Think about it. What is so compelling about a new year?

A good friend of mine had a mini tweet rant about people complaining about the past year. How it was so terrible and they needed change. And 2011 better bring that change. But I'm pretty sure I hear that shit all the time. Year after year after year. Why do you need to wait until after December 31 to start having a good year? To make a change? You don't. Your year will suck regardless because you are a loser with zero admirable qualities.

New Year's Resolutions are my absolute favorite. "This year I'm going to go on a diet and lose 20 lbs. and I'll start to feel better about myself!" Hey tubby, why didn't you think about that in the first place? Why did your fat ass have to wait until the new year to get the encouragement to lose weight? I see all these commercials on t.v. for Jenny Craig and Planet Fitness and Bally's. Put this money down and it's only this much per month. These motherfuckers know that fat ass Suzy is going to go to their gym for a maximum of three days and her pathetic soul will go right back to laying on her couch eating potato chips and pie because deep down she's a lazy piece of shit.

Maybe I'm cynical because I don't think anyone ever holds on to these vows they make. But why should they? They don't during the course of the year, so what's so different about January 1? Nothing. You're fat because you don't exercise. Ever. You won't make friends because you're asocial and ugly. You won't make money because you never have before because you're a moron and unemployed.

Things don't change with the coming of a new year. They come with a full-effort to make a change. Just ask Obama about change. America sure feels the same to me as it did two years ago, Mr. President. But these are things out of my control. For being the most pat-riotic American, I didn't vote in 2008.

I don't pretend to set false resolutions for myself during the new year. I set them as I think of them. It's called being a leader and intelligent. So for 2011, think about what it is you truly can change and are willing to change, but most importantly remember, "I am better than you."