Mega Millions, More Like Mega Horseshit

If you were one of say, I dunno, a lot of people to have played the lottery last night, it appears you lost. The final jackpot came out to $380 million, the second largest jackpot in the history of these here United States of America. It also turns out that we have two winners. Some dipshit from Idaho and another rascal from Washington. What the hell is an Idaho anyway? Is that some sort of Indian name? Excuse me. Native American name. Who lives in Idaho? What kinds of things do they do there?

I bet the guy who won it (I don't think they're allowed to have girls live there) name's Jeb or Willy or something dumb. I can see it now, reading his press release with the other dipshit liberal winner, "Oh golly I dern been playin' da lottery for 2o-suttin odd years now. I can't believe I done won it. Aww heck I'm gonna buy me a dandy potato farm." Way to go Idaho. Instead of letting a person from a real state win the lottery, you had to oblige and sell tickets there.

And what kind of dumbass numbers were drawn? Holy shit, I feel like I can't avoid that fucking 'Lost' show. I'm embarrassed I ever laid eyes on that worthless piece of shit program. But enough about that. All day yesterday I saw articles published on accredited websites, such as Yahoo! (and that's the only place I get my news from). But out of all the one articles I read it posed the question, what would you do with $355 million dollars?

Let me think. Since I'm going to have that much money in due time, I don't have to dream about it. However, for the average person, like you, it serves as a great question. Most of you will probably answer with a house, a vacation house, clothes, and fucking stupid 3d televisions. Unfortunately, you are leaving out the most important things. Like a lifetime supply of McDonald's, llamas, fountains spewing Sir Francis Drake, and gold statues depicting me.

As I grow older and become more and more wise, especially more than you, it's plain to see that winning the lottery is a false dream for people of my caliber, or even you. Those who are privileged to win the lottery must be from states that end in vowels. Like Idaho or Virginia, or Alabama or Louisiana, Mississippi and Georgia, the Carolinas, and even Florida. It's no small wonder to me that all the hick states in this absolutely wonderful country seem to end in vowels. There are others too, but you already knew that. And I chose to ignore Washington because they are all hippies and depressed because it rains 300 days a year.

In conclusion, don't play the lottery unless a) you are an uneducated hick, b) you enjoy losing, or c) you need me to reiterate to you that I didn't play because "I am better than you."