I Started Working, I Moved To Virginia, My Leg Is Going To Fall Off. I'm Going To Try Blogging Again

It's been a little more than 3 weeks since my last blog post and these are my sins. Just kidding. We all know I don't believe in that hocus pocus, hodge-podge, religious bullshit. My goodness it feels great to start writing again. I'm sorry to all my devoted readers who would spend countless hours reading up on the things that piss me off. Or to the other reader who just wants something to waste their time. But I promise to write more on schedule than usual, it's just that I was structuring my life for the past few weeks to see what would be expected of me. It turns out that I don't have to give up writing politically incorrect blog posts, but I wouldn't have anyway. So onto my current life.

I started working on August 1. It's a decent sized company with mostly all dudes. And no that's not what I prefer. But sometimes you've got to roll with the punches. As for a typical day...I wake up every morning at 7:10. I proceed to bathe myself to get myself invigorated. I eat breakfast at roughly 7:30-7:35. I get to work at 7:50. And then I cold call people from 8-12, when I go out for lunch. I get back at 1 and cold call from 1-5:30. I get home around 6 and lay in bed and watch television until I go to sleep at 11. That's my life in a nut shell. I wake up to work and then get home and go to sleep. Cool.

Many times throughout the course of my life, people have said to me, "If you find a job that you love doing, you'll never work a day in your life." Fuck you asshole. You can love what you're doing, but it's still work. What kind of idiot do you have to be? And don't tell me not to take things so literally. That's the only way to take things. I'm a man. I don't beat around the bush. I don't play games. I speak my mind and that's all. Take it or leave it. But aside from that I love my job. I know cold calling seems like it's the worst thing to do in the history of the world, but the environment I work in is incredible. Everybody is incredibly nice. The atmosphere is very relaxed, despite the fact that people are cranking out phone calls all day. I couldn't fit in a more reasonable place.

Enough with work. So I moved to Virginia. I found a room for rent on Craigslist, looked at it, loved it, and moved in. One roommate is clean, one is straight-up German, and the other is Chinese. I pretty much live with the United Nations. Unfortunately, the German and Chinese guys are moving out and soon I'll have new roommates. And you never know what kind of freaks are going to come marching through that door. So I'm making it a point to see them first. They need to like sports, girls, beer, and potpourri. If they don't meet all of those criteria, I'm afraid I'm going to have to say "No." Liberals.

This past weekend I went to a cabin in West Virginia. I had a reunion with a whole bunch of people that I hadn't seen since graduation. It was a really great time. It consisted of a pig roast and gallons and gallons of beer. From the moment I got there to the moment I left, somebody was drinking. If that isn't dedication to a good time, I don't know what is. The first three weeks here have left my salivating anticipating the next weekend because I don't know what's going to happen. And before I forget. I got bit by a spider on Saturday. It was the most itchy experience of my entire life. Today, Tuesday, it has turned a nice shade of purple. I'm not one to care about anything, but good lordie I needed to get this shit checked out.

I go to an urgent care center and the doctor takes a look at my leg. He tells me there's nothing to be concerned with, for now, because the bite is only superficial. If it busts open, then it's time for panic mode. That's when infection can make its way in and my leg can get severed. Thanks, doc. I wasn't at all nervous or skeptical before you had told me that and I definitely have no reason to now. Idiot. So here's to hoping that I have my leg next week or the week after or however long it takes for the poison to travel. This will be my payback for being perfect.

I saw my old roomie who joined the Peace Corps in Ethiopia. He's doing well. I miss him. I saw Brian, Melissa, Jonny, Russ, Parker, and more this weekend, too. You don't know how much you truly miss something until it's gone. And that holds true to everything in life. Take this blog for instance. When all of you goobers came clicking around for it and saw that I hadn't updated for what seemed like eternity, you probably thought I retired it. Wrong. I'll never retire it until I turn 25 or something. Because I still have way toooooo many reasons to tell you that "I am better than you."

If I Were To Get A Prince Albert, Would You Still Like Me?

Hello friends and welcome to April! All 150 of the friends I had on Facebook were probably relieved after seeing that I decided to write my final post. Little did they know, because they don't read my shit, it was an April Fools' joke. The blog continues and it continues strongly today. Since most people are superficial, including myself because why wouldn't I be, I decided that I want to change my outward appearance. Not just any outward appearance. My hidden outward appearance. The magical place that only special or really willing people want to enter. (Or anyone who lived with me in college and had friends over) My male reproductive organ, silly. But here's how I want to do it.

Have you ever heard of a Prince Albert piercing? It consists of getting a ring through the bottom of the head of the penis to the nearby hole at the top. I would post a picture, but I don't know who reads this shit and I don't want to get in trouble for posting pictures of weiners with rings coming out of them. Also, I don't really like weiners. I'm more of a vagina kind of person. But anywho, this would be the ultimate piercing. No one would know about it, except those that venture to that special place. I'm pretty sure I should get this done.

On the other hand, I think piercings in general are stupid. I got my ears pierced when I was a freshman in college because I always had wanted to. Sometimes I get made fun of, but it comes with the territory. Since that happened, I have been a ladies magnet. I've kissed more than 7 girls in 4 years. Astounding numbers, really. But the concept of earrings kinda pisses me off. Like what purpose do they serve? Especially on girls. I don't like all those crazy, new ones that they all seem to want to get. Like the tragus, or the industrial, or the inner ear one on top by the cartilage. I do not like any of them.

(T is the tragus. R is the other dumb one. What a freak!)

But we also have nipple piercings. My dumbass roommate in college thought it would be a good idea to get his nipple pierced a week before we graduated. And he thought nobody would say anything to his father? The world's most dangerous/scary man? Of course we would say something. Pops didn't care, though so that was a major letdown. So, is getting your nipple/s pierced the right move? Well, if you have really sensitive nips, it might be in your best interest to shy away from them. Who knows whether or not you'll lose that sensitivity and that could make sexy time boring time. I highly disapprove of the nipple clamp.

Belly button rings are pretty sweet if you have a flat stomach and wear bare-midriff shirts. Or if you live in a sunny city like San Diego where you can constantly parade around in a bikini. But, the belly button ring looks like poopy when it involves a whale. Nobody wants to see your stomach, let alone a piece of metal that is jutting out of your blowhole. They should pass. Almost the same reasoning for a vag piercing as I cited with nipples. You don't want to ruin the area by not being able to enjoy penetration city. It could on the flipside, however, make it a home run every time. Is the juice worth squeeze? For sure not.

Since I have wasted more of your life that you will never get back, I'd like to reiterate that piercings are stupid. They don't belong on everyone and you will end up being mocked by someone like me on a blog that 9 people read. I still want to get the Prince Albert though because I think it will boost my superiority and I would have a new reason to flash my junk all over the place. Or my unit could be ruined forever. A risk worth taking in my opinion. Just because "I am better than you."

What If I Told You There Was Nothing Worse Than Hearing About Potential?

Throughout my time conquering life and becoming the greatest human to ever be conceived, I've been told a lot of things about myself. People have told me that I should be a lawyer because I have a tendency to get into arguments with people. Or a doctor because my memory is of an elite status. Or a comedian because sometimes my jokes are of the highest caliber. When realistically, I'm not Jewish, so I can't get into law. I don't have enough money to afford medical school and I probably couldn't handle all the studying. And let's be really honest. I'm not that funny. But what do all these things have in common? I could potentially have done all of them.

Potential is the most overused, overstated word in the entire English vocabulary. Everybody has the potential to do anything they want. And our stupid parents encourage such thinking by saying, "Go ahead hunny, you can be the best model in the whole world!" Your daughter has moles on her face and is about 100 lbs. overweight. She can not and will not be a model. Do not lie to her face and tell her that she is going to be a model. All our dumb parents do is give us false hope that we can do anything we set our mind to.

And these dumb ass celebrities and professional athletes who are supposed to be role models embedding into our brains that if you dream it you can achieve it. Please stop with this mumbo-jumbo bullshit. I'm at an age in my life where I realize my friends and acquaintances can do some things, but not anything. I am an exception to this because I am fully capable of all things. Like making you come back on a daily basis to continue reading this bullshit. But seriously, take a look at yourself and ask if you are doing what you intended to do in your life. Probably not.

The worst part about all of it is the phrase 'what if'. What if I was four inches taller and 50 lbs. heavier? What if Obama wasn't President? What if the Mets finally won the World Series? What if, what if , what if. But I'm not that tall or heavy. Obama is the President. The Mets will never win the World Series again. Stop living your life based on the phrase what if. It doesn't mean anything. Potential and what if go hand-in-hand because they are both bullshit. Stop being such a huge pussy and just do it. (Nike)

What if I asked that pretty girl out? She would have said no because your wearing sneakers from K-Mart and there are boogers on your WWF t-shirt. What if can relate to almost anything and everything. Yet it never seems to change, no matter the context. And stop saying that the glass is half-full. The glass is half-empty. Why the fuck would you ever say my glass is half-full of water or apple juice or some other cool drink. When you have half a tank of gas are you closer to being empty or full? Logic would tell you it's the same distance either way, but we all know it's closer to empty. So cut the crap and see things for what they really are.

I'm not a pessimist. I only see the truth in things. Like my vocabulary and grammar are in the upper echelon. And maybe I'm a little bit cynical because I know what I know better than somebody else can tell me. That's why we always choose to make our own mistakes because we want to see the outcome for ourselves. It's a mistrust of those who we do know and those that we don't. With no expectations, you could never be disappointed. However your expectations for this blog should be high because you and I both know the same thing. "I am better than you."

Burger King's Food Is About As Good As The Baltimore Orioles

Out of all the fast-food restaurants where you can improve your physique and eat like a champion, Burger King rates last on every level. For one, what kind of quality product are you getting when they advertise every 30 seconds for a buy one get one free Original Chicken Sandwich? Excuse me Burger King, but are you claiming to have the original chicken sandwich? Your fine dining establishment is the first in the history of the world to offer a chicken sandwich? Isn't the name of your bullshit restaurant Burger King? But you have the original chicken sandwich? Mind-boggling.

Do you know what kind of people typically eat at Burger King? Uneducated ones who are probably liberal and hope to get Mad Cow Disease. For the longest time I didn't eat beef because of that MCD scare at Burger King in the late 90s. Ruined it for me. But since I've grown up now, I dominate beef just like I dominate life. But I don't dominate the beef at Burger King because nothing there is worthwhile. The fries, the value menu, the toys in their kids meal. None of it compels me to go there.

At least if you want good tasting French fries you know to go to McDonald's. Or chicken Mcnuggets or a Mcchicken or a Mcdouble. The options are truly endless at such a premiere fast-food joint. Wendy's has the almighty #6. If you don't know what that is then you are truly not a fast-food aficionado and need to step your game up before you continue reading my blog. But now even Wendy's has a solid dollar menu. We used to eat like kings at college. And not Burger Kings either. I have no reason to ever go there because they don't have anything that stands out.

And what the fuck kind of commercials were they showing on television not that long ago? A scary ass king looking guy that was clearly based on the most disgusting pedophile ever. That was not the best marketing option that Burger King ever laid out. Those commercials genuinely scared me because I thought some sicko in a Burger King getup was going to attack me and my perfect body while going to throw the garbage in the dump. These are the kinds of things you have to be aware of when people are envious of your insanely superb figure.

So aside from the fact that they have nothing great to get there, they have pedophiles running around on their commercials. And now their latest downfall? Like the Orioles in drafting shitty college kids and high school players, and the occasional signing of a washed-up veteran, Burger King has just added a stuffed jalapeno and cheddar burger to their menu. Bad decisions ruin franchises. Stop trying to copy KFC by creating a sandwich that is so saturated in fat and can kill you in one bite. The advantage to KFC is that the DoubleDown tasted good. This cheddar-jalapeno concoction of shit will not. Give up Burger King no one likes you.

Like a wise man once told me, "Jealousy takes mannnnnnnnyyyyy forms". Unfortunately for Burger King no one is jealous of their mediocre sandwiches and dumb ass commercials. The important lesson you take from this today is that despite what Burger King tells you, they do not have the Original Chicken Sandwich, because they were founded strictly for their propensity to sell burgers. If you are an idiot and you like eating shit, by all means go to Burger King because in due time you will end up with Mad Cow and I'll be the one to say I told you so. I on the other hand will never go there again simply because, "I am better than you."

42 Year-Old's Shouldn't Have Children And Neither Should You

Word has come out that star of 30 Rock, Jane Krakowski, 42 is preggers with her first child. Helllllloooooooooo. Well what the fuck have you been waiting for? You're 42 and just having your first child right now? And I know there isn't anything wrong with her eggs or vagina or whatever it is women use to get pregnant (I don't know I've never seen one). Because celebrities have a knack for getting the best shit around.

Look at Magic Johnson. That guy's had AIDS or is HIV positive since before some of you were born. Don't tell me that guy doesn't have some super secret high ass potency shit that's keeping him alive. I know he's one of the best basketball players of all-time, but he needs an "assist" from drugs. (Get it because he's like in the top 5 in assists in NBA History. You're supposed to laugh.)

So since celebrities can do some cool ass shit with their money, why couldn't this goofball shoot out a baby earlier in life? I know she was on that shitty ass television program 'Ally McBeal' and that probably setback any penis that was considering going near her hoo-ha, but that was like 14 years ago. Get over it and have a fucking child already. Next thing you know she's gonna pop out a kid with like three heads and six arms. I'm just glad I'm not that kid's daddy.

That reminds me of an argument I had with some college roommates. As we suffered through another shit episode of that "sitcom" 30 Rock, we discussed who we would rather fornicate with. Jane Krakowski or Tina Fey. Since my opinion is the only one that matters I chose Tina Fey. She's funny, smart, an excellent writer (like me), and wears glasses. That's like every guy who has ever watched porn's dream. Believe me. I know.

I think we ended up split as to who was hotter or sexier or whatever. But now, it's clear that Tina Fey is the correct choice. As if there was any doubt about it. Which leads me to the point of this very credible blog posting. Nobody reading this should consider having a child. And no, not because you're only 19-24 years of age. Or however old you perverts are. But because we shouldn't be polluting the Earth with more crap.

Don't you read the newspapers or Iamaliberal.org? Our country is hurting because of this so called "global warming". Yeah global warming. Go talk to Al "Dipshit" Gore about the global warming I am experiencing right now. Two feet of snow on Christmas weekend and another six inches or so today. And this global warming is causing the colder temperatures? What kind of chickenshit bullshit do you people believe?

So aside from being ugly, stupid, ignorant, and gullible you should refrain from having children because in all likelihood, they won't end up anywhere near as good as me. And I have one sole reason for that, because "I am better than you."