10. Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides
This shitty movie stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Depp is another one of the most overrated people in all of Hollywood. He over-acts. He's a smug piece of shit. And he only does movies that involve Tim Burton in some aspect. I'm actually pretty sure they're butt pirates together. (See what I did there) Depp gave guys who were unsure about their sexual orientation the idea that wearing mascara or eyeliner or some other make-up is okay. It's not okay. In fact, it's the opposite of okay. It's not okay. I must say though, I do respect the work Depp did in Edward Scissorhands. It is a decent movie. But let's cut it out with all these pirate movies, Johnny.
9. X-Men: First Class
Perhaps this movie will be like its predecessor and be a first class piece of shit. Or maybe I'm wrong and it will be a decent film. Either way, I think they need to relax on the X-Men movies. Again, another franchise with its fourth installment coming out this summer. Too much of the same and you're left with a sour taste in your mouth. Plus, I didn't see Rebecca Romijn in the trailer and that immediately curbs my interest. As long as there are other attractive women in this movie, I might be compelled to go. Otherwise, I'll watch old episodes of the fucking awesome cartoon on my laptop. That cartoon was the best.
8. The Smurfs
I have a pretend interest in this movie because I practically lived with a smurf for 4 years. His name was Brian. He went around skateboarding and surfing like a typical liberal. Then came the photographs and the artwork and records of The John Butler Trio. If only he had painted his entire body blue, he would have made the ultimate smurf. I only kid. Brian is a great kid who provided me the opportunity to write a blog because I knew he had one and I knew mine would be much more elite. Again I only kid. Sorta. But speaking of Smurfs, the animation looks neat and Katy Perry's voice is in it. If I could go with a girl and hold hands, I would.
7. Cars 2
I can never doubt Pixar. They never make bad movies. Some of my favorite movies, animated or not, are Pixar movies. Does that question my sexuality? No. Should it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay. Monsters, Inc. is the single greatest animated film of all-time. Toy Story isn't far behind. But my feelings are mixed on this one. The president of Pixar made a vow that they wouldn't make a sequel unless they felt they had a story that was as original or better than the first. The problem with this movie is that one of the voices, Paul Newman, died last year. And I know a voice doesn't make a movie, but Paul Newman was a legend. He even has a brand of popcorn and salad dressing. Nothing spells success like ranch dressing. Nothing.
6. Captain America: The First Avenger
What kind of American and patriot would I be if I didn't include this movie. This idiot Chris Evans is Captain America and looks like a 'roid monkey in the movie. The major major problem I have with the film is the location of it. Captain America. Guess where it was filmed? It was filmed in South Wales, England. Is there nowhere in America majestic enough to have the film shot? I mean, come on. I might actually boycott this movie because they didn't even film it here. That's just beyond ridiculous. The other reason is because it's probably going to be a shitty movie with way too much action and not enough character development. But with the caliber of movies coming out this summer beyond sub-par, this appears to be the sixth best of the bunch. Cool.
Join me tomorrow when I reveal the top 5 movies that you will need to see this summer. Or else. "I am better than you."
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