How To Make This Memorial Day Weekend Fun, Fun, Fun

It's that time again. The unofficial kickoff to the summer. Back when I was in high school we would go down to the shore, rent a hotel/motel for the weekend, kick back, and drink some beer. Lots and lots of beer. Of course, I don't condone such behavior because I was a wayyyy mature 17-year-old. Now it seems as I get a little bit older, it's losing its luster. I'm no longer sleeping in a bed with 4 other people passed out drunk. Nor am I vomiting on those 4 people. Instead I go to friends' houses and sit and relax and barbecue and calmly drink beers. It's amazing what can happen in 6 years time. So I've taken the liberty to concoct all the ways that you can still have fun this weekend.

1.) Stop updating what you're doing on Facebook - I don't know how many updates I've seen for the past week or two about people proclaiming their excitement for this impending weekend. I don't give a fuck that your are going to Bethany Beach, Dewey Beach, OBX (Outer Bankxxx), Miami, Las Vegas, or wherever the fuck else you bothered me with. Facebook is a social medium thats intended use is so I can stalk your pictures. Or your previous boyfriends. I don't need to see the constant updates about how excited you are. Fuck you.

2.) Stop updating what you're doing on Twitter - Same deal. But this time it bothers me more. Stop ranting about how much packing you have to do. As far as I'm concerned, MDW is a 4-day weekend, tops. How much shit are you fucking packing? Do you plan on moving to the beach? If so, I could give two shits less. I like going on Twitter to see people make fun of some random person they don't know. Or for some philosophical shit. Not your play-by-play as to how the traffic is, where you are going, who's going with you. None of it. If I'm not involved, I don't fucking care. So leave Twitter alone. Please.

(So really the first two were for my sake, and I'm pretty much the only one who matters, so...)

3.) Avoid your parents at all costs - Unless your parents are fun as shit, which I doubt, exclude them from all of your plans. Actually, I think you should go the extra mile to ensure that you are somewhere that they won't be. I don't want to have family time, I don't want to sit and eat Chilean Sea Bass from the grill and drink wine coolers, I don't want to eat your organic, nitrates-free hot dogs, and I don't want to listen about your problems. I would prefer to be with my friends, making everyone feel awkward as I describe the parts of the male genitalia, and get hammer-drunk. These are things I can't do if mommy and daddy are around. The same reasons probably apply to you.

4.) Bring condoms - They say that the most pregnancies occur each year on Memorial Day Weekend. People are so excited for the summer that they are willing to have sex with anything that has a pulse and two legs. That's good news for me because I am ready, willing, and able. Plus, they are probably really slutty and will let you do anything you want to them. In that Kanye West/Katy Perry "E.T." song when he raps "And then Imma probe you" he has to be referring the butthole right? Every alien abduction case I ever read about includes an anal probing, not a vaginal or oral one. Well to get back on point, I think most of the girls will be up for probing this weekend as well. So add "lubrication" to your list that includes condoms.

5.) Just get hammer drunk - Even if you get stuck with your parents, everything is better when you're hammer drunk. It's even better when you're with friends. Anything can happen when everyone is smashed. Games of "Kings" in which people are getting naked, girls going to pee in laundry rooms because they are that out of it, pissing yourself, sleeping on a trampoline. All these things are possible and likely if you black out with your friends and have a group sleepover. Group sleepovers are underrated and that's usually when the most fun occurs. So it would be in your best interest to sleep with all of your friends and hope for the best. That's why we went to college, duh.

This MDW I will be alone in my room playing Dungeons & Dragons being bitter that everyone is having so much fun and having sex and being drunk and updating their Twitter and Facebook about how much fun they are having. But it will all be thanks to me that you are having that much fun. All because you read my blog and got some ideas. Ideas that only I could think of because "I am better than you."

Summer Films That You Should See Because I Recommended Them (Part 1)

Since nobody gave a shit about what songs I decided were the best songs for the summer '11, I thought I'd give it another go on the summer movies. Now, I'm already late on two must-see films that made their way into theatres this summer, Tyler Perry's: Madea's Big Happy Family and Something Borrowed. But the summer season hasn't truly hit full stride. That's why I made it a point to tell you about the 10 movies you should go see this summer season because they are going to be the best $35 you can spend.

10. Pirates of the Caribbean : On Stranger Tides

This shitty movie stars Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz. Depp is another one of the most overrated people in all of Hollywood. He over-acts. He's a smug piece of shit. And he only does movies that involve Tim Burton in some aspect. I'm actually pretty sure they're butt pirates together. (See what I did there) Depp gave guys who were unsure about their sexual orientation the idea that wearing mascara or eyeliner or some other make-up is okay. It's not okay. In fact, it's the opposite of okay. It's not okay. I must say though, I do respect the work Depp did in Edward Scissorhands. It is a decent movie. But let's cut it out with all these pirate movies, Johnny.

9. X-Men: First Class

Perhaps this movie will be like its predecessor and be a first class piece of shit. Or maybe I'm wrong and it will be a decent film. Either way, I think they need to relax on the X-Men movies. Again, another franchise with its fourth installment coming out this summer. Too much of the same and you're left with a sour taste in your mouth. Plus, I didn't see Rebecca Romijn in the trailer and that immediately curbs my interest. As long as there are other attractive women in this movie, I might be compelled to go. Otherwise, I'll watch old episodes of the fucking awesome cartoon on my laptop. That cartoon was the best.

8. The Smurfs

I have a pretend interest in this movie because I practically lived with a smurf for 4 years. His name was Brian. He went around skateboarding and surfing like a typical liberal. Then came the photographs and the artwork and records of The John Butler Trio. If only he had painted his entire body blue, he would have made the ultimate smurf. I only kid. Brian is a great kid who provided me the opportunity to write a blog because I knew he had one and I knew mine would be much more elite. Again I only kid. Sorta. But speaking of Smurfs, the animation looks neat and Katy Perry's voice is in it. If I could go with a girl and hold hands, I would.

7. Cars 2

I can never doubt Pixar. They never make bad movies. Some of my favorite movies, animated or not, are Pixar movies. Does that question my sexuality? No. Should it? Yeah, probably. But that's okay. Monsters, Inc. is the single greatest animated film of all-time. Toy Story isn't far behind. But my feelings are mixed on this one. The president of Pixar made a vow that they wouldn't make a sequel unless they felt they had a story that was as original or better than the first. The problem with this movie is that one of the voices, Paul Newman, died last year. And I know a voice doesn't make a movie, but Paul Newman was a legend. He even has a brand of popcorn and salad dressing. Nothing spells success like ranch dressing. Nothing.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

What kind of American and patriot would I be if I didn't include this movie. This idiot Chris Evans is Captain America and looks like a 'roid monkey in the movie. The major major problem I have with the film is the location of it. Captain America. Guess where it was filmed? It was filmed in South Wales, England. Is there nowhere in America majestic enough to have the film shot? I mean, come on. I might actually boycott this movie because they didn't even film it here. That's just beyond ridiculous. The other reason is because it's probably going to be a shitty movie with way too much action and not enough character development. But with the caliber of movies coming out this summer beyond sub-par, this appears to be the sixth best of the bunch. Cool.

Join me tomorrow when I reveal the top 5 movies that you will need to see this summer. Or else. "I am better than you."