The Top 10 Worst Baby Names In The History Of The World (Part 1)

I have to hand it to Mariah Carey. All this time I thought she was just an old, fat piece of shit with seemingly nothing to live for. She married a loser former cast member of "All That" in Nick Cannon, and her music career was virtually nonexistant. I think her last year of good music came in 1994 when she released "Daydream", a modern marvel of wonderful music. But it turns out that just a couple of days ago, she had twins! A boy and girl. Guess what their names were. Moroccan Scott Cannon (boy) and Monroe Cannon (girl). The reasoning? Well it makes a whole lot of sense. Moroccan because that's the decor of their luxurious New York City apartment. Monroe because Mariah was inspired by Marilyn Monroe her whole life. I'm so happy for the Cannons that I decided to dedicate this blog post to them because of the shitty names they gave their children. So here we go, the top 10 worst baby names in the history of the world.

(Are you sure that's twins? Looks like Octomom II)

10. Coco Riley (Courteney Cox + David Arquette)

We'll start it off real slow. Coco isn't the worst name I've ever heard for a child. Heck, when I was just a kid I had a stuffed teddy bear named Cocoa and he was like a brother to me. But then again, that was a stuffed teddy bear and this is a human being. At least she has the distinction of being able to say my mom was on one of the funniest sitcoms of all-time and my dad is pretty much a loser. Let's be realistic though, what family doesn't have that exact same scenario, a loser father? Here's to hoping that little Coco turns out to be just as good looking as her mom was in her prime.

9. Apple (Chris Martin + Gwyneth Paltrow)

Is it wrong for me to say that's an ugly fucking child? Not only is her name stupid, but she looks like some sort of genetic freak. Like her eyes are 30 feet apart from each other. Disgusting. Anyway, her dad is the lead singer of the gayest band in the entire universe, Coldplay, and her mom is the most overrated actress in the United States. She's never done a good movie, minus "Shallow Hal" (it teaches a valuable lesson: beauty is not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. Some real horseshit.) What sort of concoction did they make? I wouldn't be surprised if in 25 years I turned on CNN to see Apple Martin terrorizing the streets of London. She might be the second coming of Godzilla.

8. Harlow Winter Kate, Sparrow (Nicole Richie + Joel Madden)

Alright, minus the stupid fucking hairdo on what appears to be a boy, we are making progress. What is a Harlow anyway? They might as well have named her Harlot because in about 15 years, she's going to be running up and down the streets of Hollywood blowing anybody she can for a line of coke. And then Sparrow is going to swoop in (see what I did there?) and rescue her. This is all wishful thinking, but when you come from parents who have had drug problems (Richie) and stupid fucking tattoos (Madden) these are the consequences. How did she end up with that reject from Good Charlotte anyway? It certainly wasn't because she liked his music. "Lifestyles of the rich and the famousssssssss."

7. Story Elias (Jenna + Bodhi Elfman)

I used to find Jenna Elfman attractive. She had this quirky-something about her that I found cute. Plus, Dharma and Greg was a genuine success for the few short years it was on. Now Greg is rocking shit on Criminal Minds. However, Jenna thought it would be a good idea to convert to Scientology while naming her child Story Elias. Story? Let me tell you a story, Jenna. Once upon a time, there was a pretty attractive young actress who was on a funny sitcom. Then she married a bozo named Bodhi and converted to scientology. Next came marriage and the impending pregnancy. The result was a baby boy named Story. The End.

6. Bronx Mowgli (Ashlee Simpson + Pete Wentz)

Now we're making some real progress. Bronx Mowgli. Somebody obviously likes the shittiest borough in New York City and the worst Disney cartoon ever created (The Jungle Book). What the fuck are you two idiots thinking? Bronx? Manhattan, Harlem, Queens, or Brooklyn would all have been better choices for a child's name. At least they would be associated with success. Minus the Queens because that's where the Mets play. But come on. And Mowgli? Why not Pinocchio you shitty excuses for humans. The only reason Ashlee is famous is because her cow of a sister could sing and used to be sexy as hell. Pete Wentz is famous because people part of this new generation must all be deaf. Fall Out Boy could be considered the worst band ever. Ever. "Thanks For The Memories" or not.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2. "I am better than you."