Songs Of Summer '11

I look forward to every summer, not because I go on vacation (because I can't afford it), but because musicians typically come out with their best stuff. And there's always that one song during the summer that brings back strong memories no matter when you hear it. So, much like Hollywood boasts about all of its hit movies, the music world does much of the same. So I give you the pleasure of the best 11 songs you will probably hear on repeat this summer, unless a new single comes out within the next 2 weeks that blows shit out of the water. So here it is, the top 11 songs for Summer '11 that will make your penis erect and your kitty drip.

I'll call 11-6 Honorable Mention because the top 5 songs are the ones that people really care about. Also because I believe that these songs already blew their respective loads.

11. S & M - Rihanna

This song came out wayyyy too long ago to even be considered for a nomination for song of the summer. I shouldn't even include it as an honorable mention, but I still find Rihanna to be uber-attractive and that's good enough reason for me. And if she actually means what she's singing about, that's just an added bonus. Whips and chains? Sign me up, my Barbadian Beauty. Just color your hair back to a normal color and let it grow out like a respectable human.

10. Blow - Ke$ha

I hate Ke$ha. I know she's ugly as fuck, I know she's overweight, and I know she can't sing for shit. She does however have songs that are catchy as fuck and typically require minimal thought as to what her lyrics mean. I do, however, have a problem with her naming the song "Blow". My mind immediately races toward my penis being placed in a mouth or cocaine. Unfortunately for me, this song does neither of those things. That's what 10th place means.

9. Down On Me - Jeremih feat. 50 Cent

"Shorty you a dime, why you lookin' lonely?" That is one of the lyrics of this song and I think I've got the answer for it. It's because she hasn't met you yet, Jeremih. And I know your parents probably gave you that name from birth, but since you are over the age of 18, can you go to court and spell it correctly please? You're missing an A and that typically bothers me. A lot. Plus 50 Cent hasn't been relevant since 2002-2003 when he released his first studio album. He isn't a major selling point anymore.

8. Till The World Ends - Britney Spears

I made a mistake back in January when I said that Britney Spears lost it. That was at a point in time when she had just released "Hold It Against Me" which has about a 100% chance of being her worst song ever produced. I thought she had lost it. She was no longer the smokeshow that wore Catholic school uniforms anymore. Just a typical mom who's vagina had taken a mighty beating after escorting two kids out of it. But this song tickles my testes. It sounds good. I can watch other people dance to it. All the things that make it a great song for summer. The problem? She released it wayyyyyyyyy too soon to last another 3 months. The result of that terrible first single.

7. Just Can't Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas

They have never made a bad song. Never. Not once. But the summer songs this year are so much catchier than this one. It doesn't have that retro Black Eyed Peas sound to it. It's still wonderful nonetheless, but not summer good. The only thing I really really like about this song comes near the end of it once the music changes. A man's voice comes on and it sounds like he says "Socha", but since will.I.am doesn't know me, I don't think that was the intention. They probably say something super lame like "switchup." A vast improvement over the previous "I've had the time of my life and I owe it all to you" mashup.

6. The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco

Oh man. This one can surprise me and take control of the summer. It's release was a little premature, but it's got that poppy/rap flow to it. I respect Lupe Fiasco and I think he's a pretty talented rapper. He's not as good as Mos Def, who will be guest starring on Dexter this season which is incredible, but still good. He came to my college to perform during my freshman year, but at that point in time all he had on his resume was "Kick, Push" and that song sucked dick. But I'd go consider seeing him now.

These next 5 songs will take control of the summer so be prepared to hear them on the radio until August/September.

5. All Of The Lights - Kanye West feat. Rihanna

Kanye West takes the cake for being the most self-absorbed piece of shit celebrity on the planet right now. He's very egotistical and is well-aware, which makes it even worse. But he does have tremendous talent in producing hit after hit after hit. This song, when played in a bar, has the potential to make babies. It came out a little while ago, but it definitely has the longevity factor going for it. It's a song comprised of Kanye and Rihanna. Two of the bigger pop stars around right now. I'd be hella surprised to not hear this song every weekend I go out. Which will be around 4-6 times.

4. On The Floor - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull

I'm quite surprised that American Idol revitalized Jennifer Lopez's career the way that it did. Everyone knows she is famous because she has the world's roundest ass. And I'm okay with that by all means. Her best film is a toss-up between Anaconda and Selena. From there, J-Lo was born and ruined Total Request Live for me for several years. Her surplus of terrible songs was near a dozen before she fell off the face of the Earth for 5 years. Than she puts out this marvelous hit of a song and, Voila! Jennifer Lopez is back with a song that I can listen to on repeat and not have the urge to grab the nearest butcher's knife and send it straight through my chest. Well done Jennifer. Well done.

3. E.T. - Katy Perry feat. Kanye West

I could probably list 15 things I'd rather do than watch this music video. Actually, that goes for any music video. But especially this one. Katy Perry has the best boobs in the business. That goes a long way in getting me to like her music. Her voice is mediocre at best. She's beat to shit without any makeup on. All she really has are those cans on her chest, and that's a real shame for her because once she hits 35 and they start drooping, she's done. But this song is just starting to catch on fire, and that's great. She has a stuttering problem during the chorus, she's interested in having sex with aliens, and shows no signs of being a racist. All the makings of a stellar human. Plus, Kanye is involved in the song which makes it marketable to all sorts of people.

2. Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

I hate these guys, especially the asshole in the middle in the above video still. His hair looks Caribbean, his jeans would be too tight on a 2 year old girl, his glasses are for style and not his inability to see, and he has no fashion-sense. But, this song is pretty remarkable. With booming speakers and half-dressed girls, it's a sure-fire way to a glorious boner. I'm also unaware of what the LMFAO stands for. I hope it's not "Laughing My Fucking Ass Off." That would be an utter disgrace to the music America produces. Just sayin'. Keep your ears peeled because this song is explosive.

Numbaaaaaaaaaaa 1.

1. Give Me Everything - Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo

This song is definitely definitely definitely the summer song of 2011. There's no doubt in my mind whatsoever. It has a solid beat that people can and will dance to. It's got a catchy chorus that condones getting drunk and making mistakes, my favorite motto. Ne-Yo is still alive, according to this recording. And he pronounces tonight like "tonoyt" on several occasions throughout the song which I seem to enjoy for some reason. The rapping is terrible, the girl singing is unnecessary, but it still reeks of everything that represents summer. Drinking and dancing. I've already heard it several times just this past weekend and it isn't even Memorial Day Weekend yet. Expect to hear this song so many times this summer because it is officially THE number one song for the summer of 2011.

I did it again. I've compiled a list that highlights the best 11 songs you're going to hear this summer and I did it without having to tell you "I am better than you."