(22-year-old virgin. Yeah. Okay)
Fast forward to today's world. A 52-year-old mother in Salt Lake City, Utah, started the bidding at $10,000 for her 13-year-old daughter's virginity. First of all, I thought Mormons were to abstain from sex in any capacity. (Oral, vaginal, anal) Not only did she put her up for auction, but she took her to Victoria's Secret and had her display her goodies in bras and thongs to one prospective buyer. So second of all, why would they have a Victoria's Secret in a place where sex is not allowed? She was eventually busted after the mom's boyfriend went through her texts and saw what she was doing. Third, it's okay to distrust the person you are in a relationship because look at what he saved.
If that isn't the worst case of parenting, try this story on for size. A mom in Texas got involved in a catfight with another woman and the bag of meth she was carrying around fell to the ground. Since she is such a good parent, her kids were there watching the fight and ate the meth because they thought it was candy. The police have not released what has happened to the children, but my guess is nothing good. I'm a middle-aged man and I know that using Meth is a pretty bad idea. But to give it to children, albeit indirectly. Jesus Christ. I hope that they are all okay because that would be a shitty, cruel way to die.
I also read another story about a woman who had just given birth. The baby daddy wanted nothing to do with the child, as most dad-beat dads, so the mother put the baby in the microwave. I've come across a lot of stupid people in my career as a human, but I never thought I'd hear something like this. I never understood why new moms killed their children. Placing them in dumpsters, garbage cans, toilet bowls, and now microwaves. If you don't feel like you're up for the challenge of being a parent, give the baby up. Bring it to a foster home. Leave it in front of a hospital. At what point in time does it seem like the right thing to do to kill your baby?
(Japan baby drop-off!)
How about that other recent, prominent story about the lady giving botox to her 8-year-daughter because the little girl thought she had wrinkles? I thought the story was too good to be true because noone is dumb enough to pull off a trick like that. Turns out I was right. The mom made up all the whole story to become famous and shit. But wait. Pictures have surfaced of her injecting her daughter's lips with a syringe. So who's lying now? Did this mom actually put botox into her daughter's face, was this a ploy to become famous, or did she try to cover her tracks only because she lost custody of her kid? I read a funny retort in an otherwise really sick story: Once the girl was taken out of custody from her mom, she couldn't show how sad she really was because of all the botox injections. Zing!
So if you're a loser like me and you still live at home, think about how lucky all of us are to have the parents that we do. None of us were prostituted for some extra money, ate meth because we thought it was candy, were put into microwaves (I shouldn't even joke about it), or were injected with botox. For the most part, we've all had it pretty good. I hated when I got wooden spoons broken over me, but I've always been a piece of shit. It comes with the territory. Just promise me that when you finally become a parent, you'll actually treat your kid with respect and be a proper role model. Not all kids can turn out like me, you know, since "I am better than you."
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