Why Being Afraid Of These 5 Things Makes You A Huge Pussy

Over the course of my supreme humanhood, I've come across a large amount of people who are afraid of things. Really stupid things. They tend to cringe up, panic, scream, turn red, and/or run away. Unfortunately for them, I was around while said outbursts happened. Not only did I make fun of them, but I embraced their fear just to show how much more mascular and awesome I am. There are many fears and phobias that people have that I could never really understand. I want to make it a point to show how stupid these people are for being afraid and make myself feel better all in a single blow. So don't be afraid of these 5 things.

Arachnophobia - The fear of spiders. This is probably the most common phobia that people have. Spiders. Those tiny little brown and black bugs that move like molasses. What is it about spiders that make people afraid? That they will get spun in a web and eaten? Bit and turned into Spider-Man? Really, I'd like to know. If they're on the floor, you can step on them. If they're on a wall you can hit it with a newspaper, or if you're really tough, your hand. But since we are humans we have the size advantage by about 1,000,000%. Taranchulas are a different story because they are big and fuzzy. But how often do you see them hanging around your home? Never would be the correct answer. I won't cite the loser who is afraid of them, but it rhymes with sneezer.

Agoraphobia - The fear of a specific place, usually in public. I know of people who are afraid to drive on the highway. But this takes the cake for being a loser. Let's take a restaurant, for instance. What could possibly scare you in a restaurant? The amount of delicious food you are about to consume? The high-quality service you are going to receive? The total number of people eating their own meals, having their own conversations not giving a flying fuck about you? Or how about a mall. Are there too many different stores there? Too many people walking around? This is such a joke of a fear that it upsets me just writing about it. Look at me, I'm afraid of going out in public because I'm a fucking weirdo. Asshole.

Claustrophobia - The fear of being trapped in a small space. This one almost makes sense to me because one time I was on a bus and it was so crowded that I couldn't move my legs, arms, or head, even if I wanted to. But that was only one time, and I'm better than that. But what about people afraid of the close quarters of elevators? How do they plan on ever having sex while someone else is inside of them? It's time to smell the roses and grow up a little bit. It's not like the small space you're in is going to start shrinking. The walls aren't going to become enclosed. The air duct isn't going to constrict you. Small spaces are just that. Small spaces. Good luck getting a walk-in closet in your future home.

Acrophobia - The fear of heights. How can anyone possibly be afraid of heights? Are you climbing the ladder to heaven and looking down? Are you on the top of a skyscraper and only surrounded by 5 foot fences? When was the last time you actually looked down from somewhere and realized "Holy shit, I can actually fall right now and be killed." Never. You have never been in that position because you never can be. Not while skydiving. Not while on a rooftop. Not while on the top of a 6 foot ladder. Let me know when you're on a cliff and the only thing keeping you from falling off is your balance. Only then will I give you the benefit of the doubt and allow you to be afraid of heights. Otherwise, I think you're just being a baby. A big baby.

Necrophobia - The fear of death. I hate to break it to you, but you are eventually going to die. There is nothing you can possibly do to prevent it. It's one of the conditions of being born in the first place. The only reason I can see someone being afraid of death is because they didn't set out doing the things they wanted to do. So really people are just afraid of their regrets, not the act of dying itself. But if you could only take your mom's tit out of your mouth and live your life the way you want to live it, there's no need to be afraid of death. It's going to happen regardless, so you might as well enjoy things before you shit the bed. People who think of dying are the lowest of the low.

Ophidiophobia - The fear of snakes. Nevermind. This is actually perfectly okay to be afraid of. My mistake.

Was your phobia on this list? Probably because I would say the majority of my readers are huge pussies. But since I knocked some sense into you, you don't have to worry about being afraid anymore. I'm actually doing you quite the favor. You can repay me with your continued dedication to reading the many reasons why "I am better than you."