Apple Was Named The World's Most Valuable Brand. Time To Move Out Of Liberal Earth

It's a really good thing I believe in extraterrestrial life because I think it's about time that I get the hell off of this planet. Today it was announced at the "I Could Give Two Shits Less About Liberals" press conference that Apple has become the world's most valuable brand. It surpassed the likes of Google, IBM, McDonald's, and Microsoft. Well, bravo Mr. Steve Jobs. You finally set out and accomplished your lifelong goal of turning conservative America into a haven for pompous liberals. You are, essentially, the living version of "The Brain".

(The similarities are uncanny)

It all started for me way back in high school. iPods became the cool, new trendy gadget to own and if you didn't own an iPod mini, you didn't have any friends. So instead of being my own unique person, I followed the trail set before me and got an iPod mini for Christmas. It was silver and a mighty piece of shit. Not only did the battery last for no longer than 45 minutes, it was only 4 gb. For those of you reading who don't know anything about technology, that's miniscule. It got me about 1,000 songs to listen to. Big whoopty do.

(Great color scheme)

Then I made it to college and my very Jewish and liberal friend owned a MacBook Pro. As if the standard issue Dell or HP wasn't good enough, he went out of his way to purchase a Macbook. Who do you think you are? Better than all your suitemates with your fancy, silver gloss laptop and remote control? As if laying in bed under the covers in 95 degree heat playing Tetris wasn't enough of a reason for us to hate you, you had to do it with an Apple product. The tide was beginning to turn for me on the Apple company in general. But wait, it gets worse.

I don't know if you've heard of it, but something called an iPhone? It's like an iPod, but it can surf the interweb and play music and according to the commercial, blow you. I've personally seen it rob the lives of two people close to me. It's like they put some sort of hypnotizing agent in the screen that prevents you from turning away. Anytime something is mentioned that you don't know it becomes, "Wait, let me look it up." I don't need to know at that exact moment of time because I'll forget about it in about 15 seconds. I also don't want to see your face when we're on the phone. There's a reason I'm talking to you on the PHONE. It's so I can hear your voice.

And last, but not least, my favorite Apple invention. The iPad. Too bad the iPad couldn't be used as a vehicle for girls to put in their underwear to soak up their period goop. Sorry I'm not sorry for being so vile and disgusting. That's how I feel about the product. It's a large iPhone that doesn't make phone calls. It's a flat MacBook that doesn't have a keyboard. What purpose does the iPad serve besides making you look like a pompous asshole? I know you don't have a reason. So why buy it? Sotomayor.

I guess I'm just tired of seeing Apple included in everything pertaining to the world. And I guess the writers of South Park feel the same because they mocked the Apple culture in their latest season premiere. I'm also upset that conservative America is becoming overrun by a bunch of hippie, tree-hugging liberal assholes. Apple is probably the biggest supporter of Obama and unless you want to see that guy in office again for 4 years, keep buying Apple products. I've officially quit because "I am better than you."